New..scared...feeling alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 11
New..scared...feeling alone
Well...here I am. At 0100 looking for somewhere to turn. Never did I imagine I'd be seeking support for something like this.
26 days ago I checked him into residential treatment. 28 days ago I discovered he was using.
We lived a wonderful life. I met C through work. I'm a nurse, he's a paramedic. I was living in a different hell then. Miserably married to a man that I hated. Raising a son who I prayed every day would turn out to be nothing like his father. And then..there it was. This undeniable connection with this amazing person. We became best friends, and very shortly after my divorce became much more. Fast forward to 1 month ago.
I was home with our two week old son and my six year old. C had been at a meeting for work then went to have a few drinks with the guys. I decided to empty and repack his work bag for him since he was on shift the following day. That's when I found it.
Inside of a snus can I saw capsules filled with a white powder, a razor blade, and a straw. I think I stared at it for a solid 10 minutes before I could even move. I knew it was A) coke or B) heroin.
Now let me say, I had ZERO suspicions or reasons to think he was using any substance. Our life was great. We have great jobs, a beautiful Home, a new baby, and...he never seemed high or strung out...how could this be?
I confronted him the second he walked through the door. Demanding an answer. He looked as if he'd seen a ghost and I knew it was game over. He first told me it was coke, then changed his story to say it was a synthetic drug of sorts. I knew in my guy he was lying.
I demanded he take drug test (by the way he had fake urine in his bag as well and I had dumped it out) and he agreed. (He refused to let me watch him take it) He apologized over and over and assured me he hadnt used this mystery substance for months. I knew better.
I had this substance tested. Heroin. He had been using for over nearly a year and I had NO IDEA. In my home. With my children. I have never felt such betrayal or disgust.
He broke down. He told me he wasn't using it for fun anymore and that he simply needed it to survive. He arranged treatment himself for the following morning.
As if this wasn't a big enough blow..his sister calls me later that evening after he had spoken to her, and reveals to me that this is a RELAPSE, not a new addiction. He had this dark secret that I had never known about...i then started connecting dots and recognizing behaviors that I wouldn't questioned HAD I KNOWN about the first go round.
I drove him to the residential treatment center the next morning. It's a 30 day program and I've realized that while he's been getting help...I haven't. He's broken...and so am I. Ive been left with our newborn, six year old, and lives in general. The shattered pieces are so small and so many that I'm not sure where to start.
How do I begin to recover as a support person? How do I work through the anger and fear? Where do I go from here? I've been attending family groups but I haven't connected with anyone, mainly because I haven't met anyone in a similar or near similar circumstance. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.
26 days ago I checked him into residential treatment. 28 days ago I discovered he was using.
We lived a wonderful life. I met C through work. I'm a nurse, he's a paramedic. I was living in a different hell then. Miserably married to a man that I hated. Raising a son who I prayed every day would turn out to be nothing like his father. And then..there it was. This undeniable connection with this amazing person. We became best friends, and very shortly after my divorce became much more. Fast forward to 1 month ago.
I was home with our two week old son and my six year old. C had been at a meeting for work then went to have a few drinks with the guys. I decided to empty and repack his work bag for him since he was on shift the following day. That's when I found it.
Inside of a snus can I saw capsules filled with a white powder, a razor blade, and a straw. I think I stared at it for a solid 10 minutes before I could even move. I knew it was A) coke or B) heroin.
Now let me say, I had ZERO suspicions or reasons to think he was using any substance. Our life was great. We have great jobs, a beautiful Home, a new baby, and...he never seemed high or strung out...how could this be?
I confronted him the second he walked through the door. Demanding an answer. He looked as if he'd seen a ghost and I knew it was game over. He first told me it was coke, then changed his story to say it was a synthetic drug of sorts. I knew in my guy he was lying.
I demanded he take drug test (by the way he had fake urine in his bag as well and I had dumped it out) and he agreed. (He refused to let me watch him take it) He apologized over and over and assured me he hadnt used this mystery substance for months. I knew better.
I had this substance tested. Heroin. He had been using for over nearly a year and I had NO IDEA. In my home. With my children. I have never felt such betrayal or disgust.
He broke down. He told me he wasn't using it for fun anymore and that he simply needed it to survive. He arranged treatment himself for the following morning.
As if this wasn't a big enough blow..his sister calls me later that evening after he had spoken to her, and reveals to me that this is a RELAPSE, not a new addiction. He had this dark secret that I had never known about...i then started connecting dots and recognizing behaviors that I wouldn't questioned HAD I KNOWN about the first go round.
I drove him to the residential treatment center the next morning. It's a 30 day program and I've realized that while he's been getting help...I haven't. He's broken...and so am I. Ive been left with our newborn, six year old, and lives in general. The shattered pieces are so small and so many that I'm not sure where to start.
How do I begin to recover as a support person? How do I work through the anger and fear? Where do I go from here? I've been attending family groups but I haven't connected with anyone, mainly because I haven't met anyone in a similar or near similar circumstance. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Errn, I am sorry for your circumstance but glad you joined us.
The first support you should seek is for yourself, finding your balance again and thinking with clarity about what is best for you and the children will take support and help for you. This place may help, also many of us found our sanity again by attending meetings that were about us, not our addicted loved ones. Al-anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon are three similar fellowships that helps us heal and teach us to take good care of ourselves...regardless of how our loved ones are doing.
Others will be by to welcome you and share their stories. Take a good read around, particularly the "Sticky" threads at the top of this forum, and you may find helpful information that will give you a grasp of what you are in for.
First and foremost, take good care of yourself and your children. Living with addiction in the house is dangerous and unhealthy for everyone.
Hugs
The first support you should seek is for yourself, finding your balance again and thinking with clarity about what is best for you and the children will take support and help for you. This place may help, also many of us found our sanity again by attending meetings that were about us, not our addicted loved ones. Al-anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon are three similar fellowships that helps us heal and teach us to take good care of ourselves...regardless of how our loved ones are doing.
Others will be by to welcome you and share their stories. Take a good read around, particularly the "Sticky" threads at the top of this forum, and you may find helpful information that will give you a grasp of what you are in for.
First and foremost, take good care of yourself and your children. Living with addiction in the house is dangerous and unhealthy for everyone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That is an awful lot to deal with all at once, maybe a “family group” is not the best support you need right now. You need support for just you, even therapy could help you sort out all of the emotions you must have about not only discovering the drug use but the fact he has lied to you from the beginning.
His drug history is an extremely relevant part of who he actually is and who he will always be, a drug addict. Now he is a drug addict who has relapsed and you do not actually know when or how long his drug use has been hidden from you.
I would suggest that you take time for you, and figure out what you even want moving forward.
His drug history is an extremely relevant part of who he actually is and who he will always be, a drug addict. Now he is a drug addict who has relapsed and you do not actually know when or how long his drug use has been hidden from you.
I would suggest that you take time for you, and figure out what you even want moving forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I say this gently, 30 days is not very long for a H addiction. That is just my opinion.
Keep reading. There are many people here who have no idea and when they find out are absolutely blown away. Sadly, by then usually have a life and children together, just like you.
I can only say that his recovery is his. It's time to start working on YOU, and your healing. It would likely be a good idea for you to get a counselor to walk you through this time, one that specializes in helping families with addiction. For you. Separate from him.
Hugs to you. So sorry.
Keep reading. There are many people here who have no idea and when they find out are absolutely blown away. Sadly, by then usually have a life and children together, just like you.
I can only say that his recovery is his. It's time to start working on YOU, and your healing. It would likely be a good idea for you to get a counselor to walk you through this time, one that specializes in helping families with addiction. For you. Separate from him.
Hugs to you. So sorry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Hello and welcome. I say this gently, 30 days is not very long for a H addiction. That is just my opinion.
Keep reading. There are many people here who have no idea and when they find out are absolutely blown away. Sadly, by then usually have a life and children together, just like you.
I can only say that his recovery is his. It's time to start working on YOU, and your healing. It would likely be a good idea for you to get a counselor to walk you through this time, one that specializes in helping families with addiction. For you. Separate from him.
Hugs to you. So sorry.
Keep reading. There are many people here who have no idea and when they find out are absolutely blown away. Sadly, by then usually have a life and children together, just like you.
I can only say that his recovery is his. It's time to start working on YOU, and your healing. It would likely be a good idea for you to get a counselor to walk you through this time, one that specializes in helping families with addiction. For you. Separate from him.
Hugs to you. So sorry.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You cannot control his future choices, his future actions, or know what road he will go down. That was super hard for me to digest. I thought when my XAH went to rehab he was going to come out a new and improved man. I should have taken that time to work on ME. I did eventually, but not when I should have. I needed to do some work to understand addiction and how it affects families, and to become strong enough to handle it for myself and my children.
A therapist who helps families deal with addiction (for me, not for him, I needed this as a codependent), the Celebrate Recovery program, and the fine people here at SR have helped me through my darkest days.
Big hugs. It's one day, and sometimes one moment at a time.
A therapist who helps families deal with addiction (for me, not for him, I needed this as a codependent), the Celebrate Recovery program, and the fine people here at SR have helped me through my darkest days.
Big hugs. It's one day, and sometimes one moment at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 16
Hi. My husband too is in substance abuse treatment right now about three weeks in. He too was my second husband and the love of my life. We have a beautiful four year old son and we're both working. Sadly unlike you, I couldn't confront my husband as I was afraid for my safety. I had to get a Protective order and am now also too a single mother who works full time. We had such an amazing connection in the beginning..... I never wanted any of this either my heart goes out to you. I am too afraid to go to a group so you go girl you are a gutsy chick 🐥
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