crying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 45
crying
*** This post doesnt make much sense. But I think it is better I post it and let these feelings out. I have bad social anxiety. I would prefer to pretend I dont and that it is OK. But, i think it has destroyed me. ***
I am crying right now. I am 34. I just had my birthday. I messed up my life. I never DID anything. Literally. Fear and irrational thinking has ran my life. I met a guy when I was 22. That was 12 years ago. And I still beat myself up over the fact that I couldn't date him. That I froze up and acted coldly. WHY DO I DO THAT? Because I was afraid of intimacy. Or was I just not interested? I STILL dont know. And why am I thinking of this? I had friends then. Well, really one. I have went back and forth cutting one friend off for another. And now I really have none. I COULD HAVE been normal. but I put ZERO effort.
I wasted so much time. ANd I am afraid of getting older and not having a family. I am scared it is going to wreck me.
My mind is so jumbled. I did nothing because it was easier. So now I have nothing. HOW the F am I 34?
I remember when I was 24. I dated a guy for a month. But it was all wrong. I then was depressed for an entire year. Very bad anxiety. I was a mess. I gave up on life. But I still went to the temp job. Even thought I hated it. I didnt know what else to do. Then I met Andy and that was all wrong. And I just havent been the same since.
I didnt write any of this in any logical order and its makes no sense. but I am still going to post it. I need to talk to someone so bad.
I think I messed my life up. I think I kept saying to myself --- OH its okay. I dont need that. OH its okay, I cant do that anyway.
I am crying right now. I am 34. I just had my birthday. I messed up my life. I never DID anything. Literally. Fear and irrational thinking has ran my life. I met a guy when I was 22. That was 12 years ago. And I still beat myself up over the fact that I couldn't date him. That I froze up and acted coldly. WHY DO I DO THAT? Because I was afraid of intimacy. Or was I just not interested? I STILL dont know. And why am I thinking of this? I had friends then. Well, really one. I have went back and forth cutting one friend off for another. And now I really have none. I COULD HAVE been normal. but I put ZERO effort.
I wasted so much time. ANd I am afraid of getting older and not having a family. I am scared it is going to wreck me.
My mind is so jumbled. I did nothing because it was easier. So now I have nothing. HOW the F am I 34?
I remember when I was 24. I dated a guy for a month. But it was all wrong. I then was depressed for an entire year. Very bad anxiety. I was a mess. I gave up on life. But I still went to the temp job. Even thought I hated it. I didnt know what else to do. Then I met Andy and that was all wrong. And I just havent been the same since.
I didnt write any of this in any logical order and its makes no sense. but I am still going to post it. I need to talk to someone so bad.
I think I messed my life up. I think I kept saying to myself --- OH its okay. I dont need that. OH its okay, I cant do that anyway.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 178
So start fresh today. Make an appointment with a Dr and tell them about your anxiety. They can do so much for you now. Trust me I know. I'm the anxiety queen. Oh and at 34 you're just starting out. You have plenty of time! You're young with your whole life ahead of you! I'm 52 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Cheer up girl!!! The best is yet to come!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 45
Yeah. My head isn't right today. I keep saying, this will pass. This will pass. I am not working right now. I am not sure what doctor I could see. And to be honest, my social anxiety is so bad, I really most likely wouldnt go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Littlesongbird,
Hope you're feeling better today. I had a terrible problem with anxiety and drinking only made it worse. A visit to the doctor could be just what you need.
As for being 34, you are still very young. I wish I had stopped drinking when I was your age. It would have saved me a lot of negative consequences in my life.
Be well!
Hope you're feeling better today. I had a terrible problem with anxiety and drinking only made it worse. A visit to the doctor could be just what you need.
As for being 34, you are still very young. I wish I had stopped drinking when I was your age. It would have saved me a lot of negative consequences in my life.
Be well!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
lsb- my empathy to you. I have felt 'wrong' my whole life. Not that I was wrong about stuff- but my existence was wrong. A have just started getting some sort of awareness why. Why did I always f-up/ At work, by drinking, friends.....And of course- now a divorce. With a counsellor using CBT I have started looking at the past- feeling safe- now, as an observer and sorting the carp- one thing at a time. Perhaps this may be of help to you. Support to you. PJ
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Little,
Basd on what you just wrote, one of the things I learned in the miltary was this....
When things appear beyond your control...get help.
I am not trained to offer advice for what you offered.
I have an Associates Degree in Addiction.
So knowing that I will only say...Stay Clean...it makes everything else easier. Try to count your blessings (health being #1).
Try to get pro help w your thoughts and feels.
Basd on what you just wrote, one of the things I learned in the miltary was this....
When things appear beyond your control...get help.
I am not trained to offer advice for what you offered.
I have an Associates Degree in Addiction.
So knowing that I will only say...Stay Clean...it makes everything else easier. Try to count your blessings (health being #1).
Try to get pro help w your thoughts and feels.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Littlesongbird, it sounds like you are looking for love outside of yourself. You see it as something that someone will give you and it will make things good. That's what I did too. It doesn't work. The love has to come from within. You are enough. It's great to dream of having a family one day and hopefully you will. But either way, you are enough and you will be okay. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 45
Thanks Anna. I think that is what I do too. I was looking at stupid Facebook too and comparing myself. Stupid thing to do as it only makes me feel bad. I was literally thinking I wasn't good enough this morning. And you are right, I have to think I am. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Toronto
Posts: 268
Littlesongbird,
You have not messed up your life. I just turned 35 in March and I can relate to so many things you’re feeling. Two years ago my whole section at work got laid off and I’ve been working freelance ever since. I went into a state of depression. I kept looking online comparing my life to others….getting angry as other people were traveling the world and having families…..I also felt that I had wasted my life!! To be honest though this feeling was happening even when I was working. Way before. For years I’d spend my nights drinking in depression and make all these great plans for my life but by morning, they were gone. As far as social anxiety, yup, had that too. At the bar while drinking I’d be fine and dandy…but walking down the street or at work meetings my confidence was pretty much non-existent!! I felt like a shell of a human being who wanted to crawl and hide under a rock.
I’m now almost 5 months sober and things are SO much better!!!!! I feel genuine enthusiasm for what the future brings. I’m finding passion in things I forgot I liked. I can finally look people in the eye again. I’m laughing again. Really laughing! In a way I feel like I'm getting to know myself again….and I actually kinda like this person.
Sure, there are still tough days and I still get mad at myself for wasting those years away…but we still have SO many years left to do so much!!!!!
And I’ll admit I've lost a few “friends" or "drinking buddies” along the way, and sometimes it feels a bit lonely, but that’s when I come on SR and chat with others and listen to advice from people who’ve been where we are. Right now it’s more important for me to work on loving myself before I can worry about other people liking me. That will come. New friendships will be made.
I just want you to know that you’re not alone and you ARE good enough!!!
You have not messed up your life. I just turned 35 in March and I can relate to so many things you’re feeling. Two years ago my whole section at work got laid off and I’ve been working freelance ever since. I went into a state of depression. I kept looking online comparing my life to others….getting angry as other people were traveling the world and having families…..I also felt that I had wasted my life!! To be honest though this feeling was happening even when I was working. Way before. For years I’d spend my nights drinking in depression and make all these great plans for my life but by morning, they were gone. As far as social anxiety, yup, had that too. At the bar while drinking I’d be fine and dandy…but walking down the street or at work meetings my confidence was pretty much non-existent!! I felt like a shell of a human being who wanted to crawl and hide under a rock.
I’m now almost 5 months sober and things are SO much better!!!!! I feel genuine enthusiasm for what the future brings. I’m finding passion in things I forgot I liked. I can finally look people in the eye again. I’m laughing again. Really laughing! In a way I feel like I'm getting to know myself again….and I actually kinda like this person.
Sure, there are still tough days and I still get mad at myself for wasting those years away…but we still have SO many years left to do so much!!!!!
And I’ll admit I've lost a few “friends" or "drinking buddies” along the way, and sometimes it feels a bit lonely, but that’s when I come on SR and chat with others and listen to advice from people who’ve been where we are. Right now it’s more important for me to work on loving myself before I can worry about other people liking me. That will come. New friendships will be made.
I just want you to know that you’re not alone and you ARE good enough!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi LSB, I sympathize with your plight. Many people have awoken one day and said to themselves "what the hell happened? How did it come to this?" I was one of those people. At 29 I had no money, car, home, college degree, job....nothing. I should have been dead or in prison. By 35 I was married and the following year started my own company. I'm 49 now. I share this with you to let you know that you can't change the past, but you can have a hand in shaping your future. We are all capable, our paths are different but we can achieve more than we think.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 123
I'm 48 right now and I wish I could start over again at 34! I've been struggling with depression and anxiety my whole life. It isn't easy but give yourself a break. Don't criticize yourself too harshly, you deserve kindness!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I try not to future-trip, but I try not to dwell on the past either. Try to drop the mentality of fretting over what you have or haven't done *so far*.
"So far" is ONLY "so far". It's time >>>up to this point. But then "this point in time" will soon be over. Then what? It just goes on...and we go on...
The past is the past and there is absolutely NOTHING any of us an do about it. Learn from it, but that's about it. Don't beat yourself up. Don't compare yourself to others in a way that makes you think you are missing what they now have that you don't have. That doesn't do you any good. Not one damn bit of good.
Don't worry too much about what others think of you. No, you don't want to be a freakazoid, but it simply doesn't matter what others think for the most part. You are good enough. You really are. Embrace yourself. Love yourself. You are worth it.
Seek out the help you need...humble yourself and accept help. But also learn that it's okay to be alone to an extent. Other people can just muck us up sometimes anyway. I'm not trying to promote being anti-social. But there really can be a lot of beauty and peace in just being alone.
We love you just the way you are.
"So far" is ONLY "so far". It's time >>>up to this point. But then "this point in time" will soon be over. Then what? It just goes on...and we go on...
The past is the past and there is absolutely NOTHING any of us an do about it. Learn from it, but that's about it. Don't beat yourself up. Don't compare yourself to others in a way that makes you think you are missing what they now have that you don't have. That doesn't do you any good. Not one damn bit of good.
Don't worry too much about what others think of you. No, you don't want to be a freakazoid, but it simply doesn't matter what others think for the most part. You are good enough. You really are. Embrace yourself. Love yourself. You are worth it.
Seek out the help you need...humble yourself and accept help. But also learn that it's okay to be alone to an extent. Other people can just muck us up sometimes anyway. I'm not trying to promote being anti-social. But there really can be a lot of beauty and peace in just being alone.
We love you just the way you are.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 40
Dont worry evryone has bad times. Im 30 years old also. In past 30 years i learbed one thing clearly, you should forget your past and look to future alll the time.
Living in bad memories doesnt help really. Live today think about future. It was addictions which wasting my time and yours too maybe.
Living in bad memories doesnt help really. Live today think about future. It was addictions which wasting my time and yours too maybe.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
dwelling on events that happened so far in our past is never healthy for our state of mind. ruminating over one guy that you didn't date......or another that you did for a short time keeps you from paying attention to your HERE and NOW.
you are 34....that is still very young. just because you haven't accomplished some preset notion of success doesn't mean you cannot go seize the day now. pick something and go for it. nothing to lose!
you are 34....that is still very young. just because you haven't accomplished some preset notion of success doesn't mean you cannot go seize the day now. pick something and go for it. nothing to lose!
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