Changingways36

Hello all, this is my first post here. My husband is about 4 months into his recovery. I've started attending alanon because I'm barely holding it together some days. I thought things would get easier when he started recovery and I'm realizing that so much has to change. He is digging through unaddressed past trauma and identifying emotions behind his need to drink. It feels like I don't know him and he is pretty miserable working through the process. I know he needs time to get through this, but god it's so hard dealing with mood swings and feeling like he doesn't even like me anymore. We are annoyed with each other constantly and barely talk. I'm suppose to just focus on myself but easier said then done with a 1 & 2 year old and a full time job. I don't know how to just accept him for who he is right now and to stop being critical. How the hell does this marriage thing work? Will we ever find our way back to each other? How do I stop taking everything personal and remember he is going through an intense life changing process? I feel like I need some time of mantra. The unknown future causes me much anxiety. I'm not sure how to wait to see where this goes.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! You have my sympathy--living with a newly sober alcoholic is NO picnic. My first husband (now sober 37 years) tells me that I told him a few times, "Go call Joe [his sponsor] and tell him not to bring you back till you're FIXED." I don't have a specific recollection of that, but it sounds like something I'd say, so I have no reason to doubt him.

What you're experiencing now--the mood swings, withdrawing from you, etc.--are really par for the course. It is NOT a predictor of how things will work out once you've both progressed in your recoveries. I had a pretty decent marriage until it eventually seemed we had grown apart. I'm still good friends with my ex--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit my grown kids.

Nobody can predict with certainty what will become of your marriage. Yes, uncertainty is difficult, but what choice do you have? Focusing on your own recovery in Al-Anon will help a LOT. I'm really glad to hear you're doing that. Hope you will stick around here, too--this is a great place for support.

Glad you're here.

maia1234

Welcome cw,
We all have choices in life. Can you move out for a couple months just to have a breather from your addict? Early sobriety is as bad as a drunk husband. Selfish, miserable, and self centered, I hear it is part of the packsge. Is he working a program or is he just white knuckling it?

Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing all of the above? If he is, good formyou, if ne is not I think you need a plan B, because A is not working.

Hugs my friend, take care of you and the kiddos and give him to God to deal with

Bekindalways

Welcome Changingways. I hope you find sober recovery helpful.

It does sound like you have a full plate. Little kids AND a husband in recovery.

My qualifier was no where near seeking recovery when I left so I have no experience with it. I have heard it is tough to live through.

PinkPetuna

Hi Changingways36,

Welcome. I have learned a lot from reading here on SR. I am knew to this too. My husband is about 2 1/2 months sober (this time). The first time he quit drinking, it was without the help of a sponsor. He was moody, angry and would snap at me. I had to tell him that I wouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment. Speaking up for myself was very unlike me, because, as I am now learning, I have codependent tendencies.

This time, with AA & a sponsor, he is much more focused. He's calm and seems very introspective. He shares very little of his thoughts with me. At first this really concerned me. I felt like he was starting to grow apart from me. To be honest, I still have days where this bothers me. However, I do see a difference in his attitude. He's not so angry. We are trying to make more time for us. We don't have a lot of extra time in our schedule, but it can be as simple as going for a walk after dinner or pulling weeds together in the garden. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. It's amazing how these little things have helped me. I know we are not far along in the journey, but as days pass, I am not so apprehensive about the future.

One thing you mentioned that stood out to me is that you are having difficulties trying to just focus on yourself, especially with 2 little ones. The concept of detachment is something I've had trouble wrapping my mind around. To say I worried about how to do this and maintain a marriage is an understatement. I stressed over this and had many sleepless nights. I became overwhelmed, angry, sad, exhausted trying to learn as much as I could about sobriety and recovery. Over this short period of time the approach that has evolved and is working for me is that I am not so much "focusing" on me (I can only handle so much), but for now just taking care of me, just the basics: Al-Anon, exercise, eating well, and reconnecting with friends. I've come to look at it as just letting go of his sobriety. This has not been easy for me. I don't ask questions or bring attention to his sobriety, but if he does, I'm open to discussion. This approach has brought me some peace.

It's not easy. I wish you find peace on your journey. ((hugs))

involved

Changingways I dont have much advice but can def relate to what you are feeling. My qualifyer and I lived together for a year and a half and had a disasterous long distance relationship previous to that! When he moved in he decided to quit... he went to 1 meeting a week and had no sponsor. He drank 3 times in the first 10 months the last drunk earned him a DUI with a 9 month loss of license and when he gets reinstated he will have to blow to get the car started. He still resents me for this because when the cops showed up at my door looking for him after the hit and run, (the hitting wasnt all his fault but the running was)....told told them where to find him. This episode spurred him to get serious...did 90 in 90 (and is still making it to 5 meetings a week more iff possible) got a sponsor and started the AWOL program, which is almost completed and seeing a court ordered councelor and has been taking zoloft...But he has a TBI and somethings come slowly to him...And it is a "sometimes quickly sometimes slowly" program! I had to make him leave last week. I try to detatch but it comes out as just being cold and aloof...we fight about things that should be simple. He still has little respect for boundries, although I have seen some signs of self control start to show up, but there is still far too much of his will and not Gods will when it matters most... I still have no trust and am in limbo with the wait and see mode! He suggested counceling but I declined because I feel like if we cant sit on the couch and have a simple conversation I can not schedule an apointment to have a he said she said battle every week! For me I am still seeing the lies of omission and lack of forthcoming honesty... amongst other behaviors,. We fight about letting go, and all we have is today... but I have learned from the past. 9 months of sobriety isnt much in the big scheme of things...but I just had to seperate for both our sakes and recovery opportunities. I feel like seperating IS taking care of me. The situation had gone on so long that my emotionally charged fight or flight reflex was not lessening. And the neurotic response that comes with living with alcoholism was always right there...which helped no one! I dont know what will happen tomorrow but just for today I have some tools that I have picked up in Al Anon to help me thru... I wish you peace and happiness. The programs are there for both sides and will help to the extent to which we use them...but we can only control ourselves.

Forward12

Welcome to the forum. Being with an alcoholic is a platefull to say the least. The good thing is that he seems to be serious about his sobriety and taking the steps to keep it that way.
In situations like this you may feel isolated. but sobriety comes 1st, 2nd, and everything, with the rest far down the line, including marriages, kids, etc,..
He sounds to have a ton on his plate which he is working with, it sounds like you may need to as well.

Changingways36

Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not alone and that this behavior is kind of normal. I haven't really connected with alanon yet but I'm giving it a go.

Changingways36

I can relate to everything you said here. The detachment feels impossible. It feels like I have to make myself feel dead towards him to be detached. I'm trying to focus on taking care of myself instead of that word "detachment".

NYCDoglvr

Your husband sounds like a fairly typical alcoholic in early recovery . Learning how to feel comfortable in your own skin takes longer than anyone imagines. Alanon was a safe place I could talk openly with others who understood what I was going through. A big hug!

aliciagr

I can relate to everything you wrote above. My husband is still deeply involved on working on previously unaddressed issues and all the emotions behind it. It is critical work because its at the core of his need to drink and use drugs. His stopping the substances was not the hard part for him it seems, but this deeper work is tough. Its always been his Achilles Heel.

I guess I do have a couple of mantras that help me. One is that I feel in a supportive relationship you need to allow your partner the freedom to grow and change. Sometimes this means he will have less to give to me during this process of working on himself.

I also remove the part about addiction and look at it as a mental health issue. And it can even help sometimes to think as in - what if he had a broken leg and he was laid up for a while. I would be tolerant of this because I could see the ailment. Well its tougher with mental health and addiction issues because I cant see that.. I can only see the change in behaviors that come from the ailment. I dont know if that comparison will make sense to you, but its helped me.

Working on my own anxiety, coping skills, has also been important.
Working through the trauma I experienced when he was in active addiction was important ( chaos, episodes of abuse). Taking time to find my core self again - focusing on my needs, doing nice things for myself, opening up to my family, reconnecting with friends have all been really good things for my overall well being.

This last part is also very important to me: marriage involves two people and both do have to make an effort. Especially when you have kids to raise and care for on a daily basis. Resentments can grow when there are wide gaps between what the two people think should be happening in the family. With most major events in life, or when one spouse faces a medical issue (a major event in life) Ive heard couples either grow closer, or they allow it to tear them apart.

Both of us in individual therapy with really good doctors, and a combined family therapist. That is the route to recovery that we have picked and overall its been doing us both a lot of good.