XavierYZZ

Wow, here I am and doing my first post. I just found this group and I'm not sure it's the home for me. Thoughts are appreciated. Let me start by saying I've had a problem for sometime, and it's only getting worse. It's bad enough that I'm pretty sure I have cirrhosis. I won't go to the Doc of course because I can still function (home based job) at a pretty high level (I'm a six figure earner). At the end of the day though, I'm losing what faith I had when I was younger. My wife is a wonderful mother, but we have nothing in common, and therefore, nothing to talk about. There is no intimacy so at this point I'm hanging on until the kids get through school. All of that being said, there are relational issues that are two sided.

I am full of resentment because I'm always been the earner and I work a commission job (there are many other reasons, but this isn't the forum for them). My wife just tells me that "God will provide". Sure he will if I bust my ass and bring in the money, but folks he ain't paying the bills, and she sure as **** isn't helping me.

As far as my recovery goes, I'm probably a bit different than all of you. I've quit for months, even years at a time, but I can't do it anymore. I've tried everything, read every book, some resonated, and some didn't. Rational Recovery kept me sober for longer than any other methodology or program. I guess my biggest fear is being "labeled" as a defective. Once you admit to being an alcoholic your life is forever changed in the eyes of the world meaning; your children, your health insurance provider, your co-workers or employees, and anyone else you choose to share with. I'm a proud guy with some self discipline, but I can't seem to beat this thing. My biggest hangup is being labeled and also to think that I am somehow cursed with a disease for the rest of my life.

Sorry for the rant, but I wanted to share where I'm at.

NewLife310

Hi Xavier, While I'm not really new here, been coming and going for several years, I do resonate A LOT with some of the things you've said. I too have quit in the past for months at time and each time I convince myself I no longer have a problem. But then I find myself right back in the same bad habits and often times even worse.

My biggest problem is that I'm a binge drinker. I often lose 2-4 days a month, sometimes up to a week a month, with my binges. It often takes me a full day to recover as I'm in my early fifties now. I also work from home and am capable of making good money, but I'm irresponsible with it and am drowning in debt due mostly to my lack of discipline.

I hope that you'll stay here, even if you can't stop drinking completely. Knowing this site exists and coming here for help now (it's only day one for me) is the only thing I can think of right now that will at least help me get through this day. I like the chat rooms as well when I need to be immediately talked out of drinking.

I'm feeling more and more confident that I will get through today, and will worry about tomorrow...tomorrow. Hopefully you'll find several others here who are willing to help and who can relate. What I do know is that your odds of success will decrease if you don't stay. :-) Welcome.

least

Welcome to the family! I too was 'cursed' with the malady of alcoholism, but I got sober for good over 7 yrs ago and now have the best life possible. At first, I felt like I was 'missing out' because I couldn't drink, but now I see it as having the gift of sobriety.

I hope our support and experiences will help you get sober for good.

SimplyFree

Xavier....welcome! You sound like most people here....I just can't beat this thing (alcohol). So whatever label you want to call yourself or whatever anyone else wants to call you, the truth is alcohol is a problem for some people. Like me. If you think you are ill already, but won't get treatment for the cause (alcohol) or the damage (your liver), then "pride comes before the fall" and it sounds like you are in mid flight, how do yo want to land? Sorry for sounding so harsh, but if you are killing yourself, I want to be brave enough to tell you, get past your pride. You're kids already know your troubles, your family wants and needs the guy you are sober. Being an alcoholic doesn't make you any more defective than other medical conditions like diabetes, or allergic to penicillin, or dairy, or being afraid of the water or heights. It's ok to be human, especially here. I hope you take care of yourself.....soon!

Anna

I don't tell people that I'm an alcoholic. Why would I? I see no purpose. I know that I can never drink alcohol. That doesn't make me defective or a misfit. It makes me someone who chooses to not drink alcohol. Alcoholism is not a character defect.

My suggestion would be to stop drinking and to live a sober life. You will likely need to make lifestyle changes in order to support your recovery. We are here for you.

Dee74

Hi Xavier

I think I was far more 'defective' as an active alcoholic, in fact I know I was.

I thought I'd be cursed for the rest of my life too, but I manged to stop drinking with the help of SR.

My drinking made me cynical angry and resentful...for so long I thought that was the natural me...I forgot what I was like before I drank.

I was an all day everyday drinker and ruled by the opening and closing of the liquor store. Before that tho I wasn't much different to you.

I can't recommend this place enough Xavier - you'll always find someone here whose story resonates

Read around, post a little, find out what other people are doing and hopefully find a way that makes sense to you.

If I could turn my life around, anyone can

D

ps I hope you will face your fears and see your Dr - at least then you'll know whether your fears are ill founded.