Sasha1972

Hi all,

(I won't bother to recap my story). It's the Friday before the long weekend. My lawyer was supposed to have a letter out to ex's lawyer proposing to initiate binding arbitration on changing our child's custody from joint to sole custody (to me), following a series of crises precipitated by ex while drunk (long story). Ex does not know yet that he will be receiving this letter. I am concerned that ex will be extremely unhappy when he hears from his lawyer about this.

Ex has asked to see Kid on the weekend for a few hours. I have been allowing short (2-hr) visits during daylight in which I drop Kid off and pick her up to confirm that he's sober while she's there.

I am worried about ex's state of mind once he knows that I'm seeking sole custody AND he has Kid for a couple of hours on the weekend. I am trying to think of how to strategize this so that Kid gets to see her father but also stays safe during this period of heightened risk.

(And before people start telling me that I just shouldn't allow Kid to see her father at all - parent/child relations are not that simple, and if I completely forbade all visits, I would be playing right into ex's parental-alienation hand, as he keeps telling Kid that I am trying to keep her away from him).

Any ideas or strategies would be welcome. I hope this isn't too vague.

AnvilheadII

what about meeting somewhere for lunch? some place neutral and OPEN.

hearthealth

Hello.Do you know that he will receive this letter today? That his lawyer will act on it today? Events sometimes happens slower than we think they may? Have a talk with your lawyer to ask him the possibility.

LexieCat

Both good suggestions, and I'd add this one. If you sense anything "off" when you meet with him to bring child, leave. Missing one visit won't bring down any legal wrath, but better safe than sorry. I'd discuss it with your lawyer and see what s/he suggests you do if you feel there's a real danger.

Sasha1972

I have a call in to my lawyer to see if he will/won't have the letter done to send to ex's lawyer before the long weekend, because that will change the calculatio of ex's propensity for bad bahevior. I'm also arranging to have a (large male) friend come with me to drop/pick up Kid, in case there are any issues.

I hate this drama.

Ariesagain

This is why supervised visitation with a neutral third party might be a good option. My concern is that he's going to keep manipulating her and it wouldn't be the first time a parent has disappeared with a child who has been convinced it's the right thing to do.

Not to be all scary, but he does seem to be able to get in her head at this point?

Sasha1972

That's one reason I'm keeping the visits short (and I have her phone set up so I can track its location from my phone). (I was also glad to note the last time I took her for a visit that he appears to have lost his car). Supervised visitation might be a good idea while custody is a live issue - I'll talk to my lawyer about how that might work.

I don't know how far inside her head he is able to get. Certainly he tries (texts her reminding to keep secrets from me, tells her to tell "your a$$hole mom" how much she wants to see him on the weekend, etc). But I can't tell how much she absorbs. Her responses are monosyllables ("ok", "meh", "fine") and her behavior towards me is pretty normal.

And then when I go to take her for a visit, he is super-friendly and affable, even wanting to reminisce with us about "when your mom and I were pregnant with you", and tell funny pregnancy stories. He's Mr Reasonable Nice Guy, except when he's Mr Drunk Anger-Filled Woman-Hating Psycho.

Forward12

Your daughter and child's father may not even be here now if it wasn't for the quality staff at her school. He sounds like an out of control drunk, and keeping her safe at all means is a hell of a lot better than putting her in harm's way that he will say bad things about you,..

Sasha1972

I don't care if he says bad things about me. The reason I allow any visits at all is not because I'm unaware of his condition, but because if I cut visits off altogether, two things happen:

-a big wedge is driven between Kid and me, which pushes her closer to her whackjob father and makes her less likely to come to me if things really start going badly with her father;
-increased likelihood that he will turn up at my home, my work, her sports, her school, etc because he's being "denied access".

So it's not as simple as "out of control drunk therefore no visits". I wish it were that simple. I am playing for the long term as well as the immediate present, with as many safeguards as I can build in.

And I am very grateful for the quick reactions and presence of mind of the parents and staff on the day he came to pick her up drunk.

Hangnbyathread

You already know how I feel about tracking her phone. Good job on that. Does she know you can do this? If she does my hopes are he doesn't learn of it from her knowing.

Big male friend is a good idea. If he is drunk either when he picks up or drops off, I'd call the cops to make a written record of it.

And ask if the atty could hold off til the long weekend is done.

Offer to pick up and drop off at his place, so you can prevent the need to subject daughter to him being drunk and driving her.

Hopefully she will text you if she feels it's going bad.

Sasha1972

Check, check, check and check!