A lost mom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 44
A lost mom
I am so scared at the moment but I am also hoping that I get scared straight. I have been drinking for a while and have tried to get sober many times. Sometimes for a week and other times for months. At some point all sees right with the world and I have 1 glass of wine. After about a week, there is a gradual increase and we all know what happens after that.
Last night I must have had about 3 glasses of wine, so not a lot at all. The scary thing is that I have had the worst night after those innocently looking 3 glasses of wine. My husband is away on business and I was sleeping in the same bed as my kids because it's cold and we like to snuggle.
All of a sudden a thought comes into my head to harm my kids. My kids are the most important part of my life. I live for them, so why am I lying there thinking about doing something horrifying? After that, I was awake past midnight because I feared I might do something in my sleep.
I woke up several times with a trembeling body. I would just start shaking, but not like trembeling hands. My entire body was shaking and I know for a fact that this is caused by my wine consumption. I drink daily. Sometimes more and sometimes less. I do not play with my kids anymore because as soon as I get home, I pour a glass of wine.
I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like such a fraud and a failure. My kids have anxiety and last night my 8 year old told me that he does not think he looks good so now there are insecurity issues. How can I help them if I'm spaced out? So today is day 1 again and it is difficult not to drink when my husband is away.
I prayed so hard last night and asked God to give me one more chance, because I felt like either I was going to die or my kids will. I threw out the remainder of the wine this morning and promised myself that this is it. I've done all of this before but death was never in the equation before. Maybe I can actually do this because for the first time, I am angry at alcohol for ruining the person I use to be. Then again, I keep on inviting it back into my life.
Last night I must have had about 3 glasses of wine, so not a lot at all. The scary thing is that I have had the worst night after those innocently looking 3 glasses of wine. My husband is away on business and I was sleeping in the same bed as my kids because it's cold and we like to snuggle.
All of a sudden a thought comes into my head to harm my kids. My kids are the most important part of my life. I live for them, so why am I lying there thinking about doing something horrifying? After that, I was awake past midnight because I feared I might do something in my sleep.
I woke up several times with a trembeling body. I would just start shaking, but not like trembeling hands. My entire body was shaking and I know for a fact that this is caused by my wine consumption. I drink daily. Sometimes more and sometimes less. I do not play with my kids anymore because as soon as I get home, I pour a glass of wine.
I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like such a fraud and a failure. My kids have anxiety and last night my 8 year old told me that he does not think he looks good so now there are insecurity issues. How can I help them if I'm spaced out? So today is day 1 again and it is difficult not to drink when my husband is away.
I prayed so hard last night and asked God to give me one more chance, because I felt like either I was going to die or my kids will. I threw out the remainder of the wine this morning and promised myself that this is it. I've done all of this before but death was never in the equation before. Maybe I can actually do this because for the first time, I am angry at alcohol for ruining the person I use to be. Then again, I keep on inviting it back into my life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi and welcome LayEDla 
I'm willing to bet that come the light of day you'd never think about harming your kids
Alcohol makes us think the craziest most outlandish things.
I genuinely thought many times I was losing my everlovin' mind.
I'm glad that you've decided that alcohol has to go - thats the first step back towards recovery.
I'm really glad you found us
D
I'm willing to bet that come the light of day you'd never think about harming your kids
Alcohol makes us think the craziest most outlandish things.
I genuinely thought many times I was losing my everlovin' mind.
I'm glad that you've decided that alcohol has to go - thats the first step back towards recovery.
I'm really glad you found us
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 44
Thank you Dee. I would never ever hurt my kids. We are a loving family, but alcohol is taking that away from me and I won't allow it. I am scared, upset, horrified and losing my mind this way. There has to be something better. Please don't think I'm some crazy person but I've lost my way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 296
Hi there, I'm a mum too trying to get and stay sober. I don't have much advice as I'm only on day 4 but I want to let you know your not alone. I love my son so much and it scares me the grip alcohol has on me. Let's do this for our kids. Here for you x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by SoberNunn 
Hi there, I'm a mum too trying to get and stay sober. I don't have much advice as I'm only on day 4 but I want to let you know your not alone. I love my son so much and it scares me the grip alcohol has on me. Let's do this for our kids. Here for you x
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi LayEDLa, good to meet you. I'm a mum too and a recovering alcoholic so we have much in common already. The love that I feel for my kids is so all consuming that when I was drinking, alcohol made me feel that I wasn't good enough or deserving enough to have these amazing little people in my life. Alcohol has a way of twisting everything in your mind and the only way to see everything clearly is to get and stay sober.
Sobriety gives me loads more time and patience to be the kind of mum my kids deserve. I'm not perfect, nobody is but the mistakes I make now are regular, human mistakes. Not mistakes fuelled by a mind altering drug.
Just take it one day at a time. Don't drink today. Deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. I feel for you and am sending you lots of positive vibes and strength. You can do this. And your kids need you to do this. Good luck xxx
Sobriety gives me loads more time and patience to be the kind of mum my kids deserve. I'm not perfect, nobody is but the mistakes I make now are regular, human mistakes. Not mistakes fuelled by a mind altering drug.
Just take it one day at a time. Don't drink today. Deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. I feel for you and am sending you lots of positive vibes and strength. You can do this. And your kids need you to do this. Good luck xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Welcome LayEDla,
You've come to the right place. You'll find a lot of support and advice here.
Sounds like you have god in your life. He will give you as many chances as you need. But asking him for help without putting in the work nothing will change. I suggest finding a recovery program such as AA, SMART, etc.
Good luck and many prayers
You've come to the right place. You'll find a lot of support and advice here.
Sounds like you have god in your life. He will give you as many chances as you need. But asking him for help without putting in the work nothing will change. I suggest finding a recovery program such as AA, SMART, etc.
Good luck and many prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 44
Thank you Kenton. Your message almost had me in tears because I desire nothing more than to be a good mother. My kids are so incredible and love me so dearly. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve the 'I love you's". I want to be better and that is why I am trying to get better. I think last night's episode resulted from a lot of things. My anxiety was high and alcohol made it 10 times worse. I want to be able to sit down at the dinner table with them and not hide in the kitchen getting drunk. I want to bath them at night and not just leave it for the next evening. I want to read them bedtime stories and not damage them any more than I have. I am telling myself now that if I drink, I will surely die and my kids cannot be without me. This leaves me with a powerful choice. Either my family or alcohol. It's sad to be at this place but I do believe that I really scared myself into sobriety. I wish you nothing but happiness and beautiful memories with your little ones.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ny
Posts: 739
Hi LayEdla,
I too am a mom and have been struggling with this for many years. My kids are much older now..adults in late teens and early 20's. My addiction was terrible when they were younger. I did terrible things...drove drunk with them in the car, forgot to pick them up a birthday parties, showed up drunk at soccer games...it was awful.
I finally got sober and stayed sober for almost 7 years...I kept praying that they would forgive me. My life was great then...not perfect. Teenagers are difficult, $ and business problems blah blah blah BUT I knew I would only make things worse by drinking.
Unfortunately, I did drink again and have been struggling the past few years. I have months of sobriety at a time. SR has been a terrific support system for me.
I am just on day 4 myself after drinking for a good 4-6 weeks straight. My family doesn't know, or at least didn't catch me this time.
I actually just took the last of the hidden wine bottles out to recycling garbage before the sun comes up. I could do that today because my husband left before dawn to pick up my youngest from college.
How sick and sneaky this disease is? That I had to wait for this day?
I wish you the best..you're a good mom that you want to get better.
Join the May 2017 group. We are all just starting out and it is great daily support..
Hugs to you xo
I too am a mom and have been struggling with this for many years. My kids are much older now..adults in late teens and early 20's. My addiction was terrible when they were younger. I did terrible things...drove drunk with them in the car, forgot to pick them up a birthday parties, showed up drunk at soccer games...it was awful.
I finally got sober and stayed sober for almost 7 years...I kept praying that they would forgive me. My life was great then...not perfect. Teenagers are difficult, $ and business problems blah blah blah BUT I knew I would only make things worse by drinking.
Unfortunately, I did drink again and have been struggling the past few years. I have months of sobriety at a time. SR has been a terrific support system for me.
I am just on day 4 myself after drinking for a good 4-6 weeks straight. My family doesn't know, or at least didn't catch me this time.
I actually just took the last of the hidden wine bottles out to recycling garbage before the sun comes up. I could do that today because my husband left before dawn to pick up my youngest from college.
How sick and sneaky this disease is? That I had to wait for this day?
I wish you the best..you're a good mom that you want to get better.
Join the May 2017 group. We are all just starting out and it is great daily support..
Hugs to you xo
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
You sound like a wonderful person LayEDla and you sound like someone who wants this bad enough to do it. So do it. Next time you think about pouring a glass of wine think about how you felt last night. And then try to imagine a time when you feel free of all the fear and anxiety associated with alcohol. It can happen and it will happen. You just need to stay strong. And try not to beat yourself up too much. Parents feel guilty about everything, it's part of the job. Especially parents like us. But being humble enough to accept we have a problem and being strong enough to face that problem head on is a great example to set for our kids. You can do this. Now you just have to do this. Much love and support to you xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Alcohol will turn good people into monsters. That's good you dumped what is left and today is day one to get things right to stop drinking and be there for your family.
Perhaps try hitting up AA on a regular basis to get a solid support group around you. They have women's only meetings as well with others in your shoes.
Perhaps try hitting up AA on a regular basis to get a solid support group around you. They have women's only meetings as well with others in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Sounds like now might be a good time to eliminate alcohol from your life....permanently. It sounds as if you realize that as well. I believe you will enjoy sobriety. Its tough at first, but worth it.
As an aside, I used to get really really crazy thoughts laying in bed at night half drunk. Not good. Sometimes I wonder how myself and those around me are still alive after some of the thoughts I had. Just terrible. Now I dream of puppies. haha.
As an aside, I used to get really really crazy thoughts laying in bed at night half drunk. Not good. Sometimes I wonder how myself and those around me are still alive after some of the thoughts I had. Just terrible. Now I dream of puppies. haha.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hoping and praying definitely don't hurt. There is room for and power in both Hope and Prayer.
That said - what REALLY gets and keeps us sober and growing a deeper, richer, happier life is CHOICE and ACTION.
1 - you sound like you could use a qualified therapist. Thoughts of self harm or harming others are definitely worth sharing with and exploring with a therapist. Even though you 'would never' do that.... the fact you're having those thoughts could be an alarm bell. YOU would never. But some part of you is crying out. This probably ought not to be taken lightly. Coupled with your struggles to curtail your drinking - these things definitely can't be made worse by getting a therapist and doing some honest digging. Choice = "I choose to take this scenario as a sign and follow that sign to better myself and my life". Action = pick up the phone TODAY and make an appointment with a therapist.
2 - When it comes to drinking - nobody ever got "scared straight" and successfully got sober. Sure, fear and scary incidents can help lead us to a choice and an action.... but fear will never keep anyone sober. If you don't want your life to get scarier, more painful, uglier and truly devastating - then now is a great time to CHOOSE. Choice = "I choose to stop the progression of this inevitable alcohol trainwreck and instead chose sobriety for myself". Action = "Find a recovery-based group meeting, go there TODAY, and get started on active sobriety".
You cannot hope and pray your way to a better life.
Only choice and action will do that for you.
2 -
That said - what REALLY gets and keeps us sober and growing a deeper, richer, happier life is CHOICE and ACTION.
1 - you sound like you could use a qualified therapist. Thoughts of self harm or harming others are definitely worth sharing with and exploring with a therapist. Even though you 'would never' do that.... the fact you're having those thoughts could be an alarm bell. YOU would never. But some part of you is crying out. This probably ought not to be taken lightly. Coupled with your struggles to curtail your drinking - these things definitely can't be made worse by getting a therapist and doing some honest digging. Choice = "I choose to take this scenario as a sign and follow that sign to better myself and my life". Action = pick up the phone TODAY and make an appointment with a therapist.
2 - When it comes to drinking - nobody ever got "scared straight" and successfully got sober. Sure, fear and scary incidents can help lead us to a choice and an action.... but fear will never keep anyone sober. If you don't want your life to get scarier, more painful, uglier and truly devastating - then now is a great time to CHOOSE. Choice = "I choose to stop the progression of this inevitable alcohol trainwreck and instead chose sobriety for myself". Action = "Find a recovery-based group meeting, go there TODAY, and get started on active sobriety".
You cannot hope and pray your way to a better life.
Only choice and action will do that for you.
2 -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 44
Thanks to everyone for the amazing advice and support. It makes me feel like I belong and that someone out there cares.
Dee I am doing good today. I did not drink last night. Instead, I sat with my kids and actually cooked a nice dinner. Then I had my first shower in 4 days (I was not functioning as good as I thought I was).
I hit the bed early because I was so exhausted from the previous night. No bad thoughts and my anxiety seemed less extreme last night. Today I am feeling okay. I need a plan and a good one going forward. Reading as many stickies as I can to help me formulate a good one.
Dee I am doing good today. I did not drink last night. Instead, I sat with my kids and actually cooked a nice dinner. Then I had my first shower in 4 days (I was not functioning as good as I thought I was).
I hit the bed early because I was so exhausted from the previous night. No bad thoughts and my anxiety seemed less extreme last night. Today I am feeling okay. I need a plan and a good one going forward. Reading as many stickies as I can to help me formulate a good one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,672
With work and support- a better way of living is there for you. That means doing work- not just hoping, wishing and praying. For me- i had to change- , thinkng and by action. Meetings, doc, therapist. Empathy and support to you. Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Great to hear LayEDla. Have a plan to deal with rough days ahead. Early in sobriety we have to fight through insomnia, anxiety, depression, and cravings. Have plans to deal with these without a bottle. Try to create healthy habits. Read with your kids, go for a walk in the morning or after your meals. Drink lots of water, eat clean healthy meals, minimize caffeine/nicotine, find sober friends that you can have actual conversations with. Stay in the moment and don't future trip this increases anxiety. What may or may not happen next month can wait to deal with next month. Good luck and many prayers.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I know for sure, that being a mother is the hardest job, ever. You did the right thing by coming here and making a decision to stop drinking. This is the right decision for your kids and for you. I hope you continue to read and post here because you will always find support.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
