ja85

Hello! I am new to this site. I am seeking advice about my Mom.

She has been a functional alcoholic all of my life. Growing up, her behaviors were embarrassing, but did not cause huge problems for me. Now, I am 31, married, and have two young children.

Mom has a boyfriend, (that I will call Jay), that is an alcoholic and possibly a recovered drug user. Our relationship issues arise from his behavior. When drinking he is horrible. Very controlling, easy to anger, rude. Even when sober, which occurs during the day, he is not easy to be around. He will attack you if he does not get what he wants.

This year, I have tried to improve the relationship I have with Mom, which has always been good. I went to a counselor, and he suggested I write a letter expressing how I feel about Jay and their drinking. My Mom ignored it until I asked her about it. Told her on many occasions that Jay hurt me and my family, that I do not want to be around him, especially when drunk. Every time, the results were the same. She told me I cannot see her without him.

Whenever I seem them, I get stressed. I do not want to be around Jay. He has caused me much pain, over the 10+ yrs they have been together. I do not want to see him again, ever! Only problem is Mom. I do not want to loose her. I love her, and she has always been a great Mother to me. Jay has changed her through his emotional abuse. It is so hard to watch. I want her to be around her grand-kids, when not drinking. So, every time I say I will set boundaries, I fail. I even tried staying at a hotel for our last visit, but they ended up deciding to stay there too, and drinking.

My question is, how can I preserve my relationship with Mom? I have been told, by my Dad, that I should be the better person. Keep seeing both of them for the kids. This is so hard and causes me much stress. Should I listen to my Dad's advice, or cut them out of my life temporary?

I have tried talking about this with Mom many times, not sure what else I can do.

Thanks for reading this!

Maudcat

Hi, ja85. Welcome.
I know how you are feelng. My mother and brother have an enmeshed relationship that is hard to watch and harder to be part of. He drinks, she enables.
When I first put the situation out on this site, I got compassionate and wise answers.
They were that my mother and brother have this relationship of long standing, and it is not going to change. It is my mother's life and her choice to have her son live with her.
I accept that. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
I practice detachment as much as I can. My mom is almost 92 and has dementia, so she needs some help. I try to help her without engaging in my sib's alcoholic craziness.
My sib sometimes speaks impatiently to my mother. I confront him about this, but really, it does no good. They are locked in a toxic behavior pattern that I cannot undo.
I guess you have to decide how much you can take of your mother's partner. She has made her choice. What can you live with? What can you not?
Sometimes it helps to step away for a bit. Ease back on the contact with mom and her partner.
Often greater clarity comes when we are away from the drama.
Again, mom has made her choices. You can make yours.

makomago

When I accepted that an alcoholic is incapable of having a meaningful relationship with another human being my relationship with the alcoholic got better... it got better not because it necessarily changed but because I had the relationship on my terms and not theirs. It got better because i recognised their sickness, I stopped enabling and I made and stuck to my own boundaries.

I'd like to tell you it was that simple... it wasn't. I attended the aca fellowship and recovered myself first. And when I came out of denial, focused on myself and dealt with my old hurts from being brought up by an alcoholic at some point I slowly discovered that my relationship improved.

Much happened in the intervening time too, including learning what the hell boundaries were. Equally important was dealing with my own abandonment issues. When I no longer feared abandonment, I became prepared and capable of letting them go... ironically, once that was possible for me it was no longer necessary.

Eauchiche

In spite of your Dad's advice, he decided to cut her out of his life too at some level.
Your Mom chose to ignore you. I feel deeply sorry for your situation, but if you superimposed her behavior onto a home where abuse is currently going on, she might be guilty of illegal activity in some states.
You must protect your own children from her influence. Your sanity is also more important than your interactions with her.

tromboneliness

This is so typical of the manipulation we get from People Who Do Not Get It. Basically, "you're never going to change them, so just be a doormat and put up with their cr*p, no matter how bad it is, because you're better than they are."

You have every right to set boundaries. And the boundary you're setting is not unreasonable at all -- you're not "cutting Mom out of your life," you're just cutting Jay out. Mom may claim you're cutting her out -- but all she has to do is suck it up and tell Jay, "Sorry, but my rotten kid is being stupid and saying she'll only see me alone -- so I'm going to have to go along with it if I want to see my grandkids." They can just roll their eyes, then Mom comes to see you by herself (while Jay stays home and gets as hammered as he d*** well pleases), and everyone gets on with their lives. But to do that -- again, in the eyes of People Who Do Not Get It -- is to admit that there's a problem, that there's some reason why a sane person might not like to be around Jay. And we can't have that, can we?

This Al-Anon Bill of Rights sums it up pretty well (disclaimer: probably not Conference Approved Literature, not sanctioned, your mileage may vary, use at your own risk, take what you like and leave the rest): My Personal Bill of Rights - Al-Anon Family Group

Good luck!

T

Kialua

This makes absolutely no sense. Like others said, did your Dad stick it out for his kids, you? Why would you want your kids exposed to this craziness, and this mean guy? Protect your kids and trust your gut. Yes you will miss the mom you think you should have had, but you won't miss the mom you really have. This is her journey now. Let her go. Sorry this is happening to you.

thotful

You have a right to decide what you will accept in your life and not. Your mother has that right too, and she may decide that if seeing you requires Jay to be gone - then she won't see you. I have done the same with some siblings (albeit the situation is different - my wife isn't an addict). They refuse to be around my wife (unlike what you've explained, I've gotten poor responses like 'I don't like her' and she doesn't fit in with "the family")

Being on the other side, my suggestion is to separate person from behavior. Insult Jay as a person, as a partner, etc - you will definitely lose that battle. Your mother is choosing him as her partner. That's not your decision to make - don't go there. However, concrete examples of situations you didn't like - how you've been spoken to, cursed at, yelled at, etc. Things that can actually change (ie, behaviors) may help her understand where you're coming from and actually have a way to respond that still respects her partnership.

It sounds like you've already done that with your letter. I'm assuming the letter is about things he's done that you feel upset by and don't want to be exposed to anymore. It's not him you want to avoid - it's all the abusive behavior he's exhibiting - I once phrased it like that for my mom. "I love my brother and he is welcome in my life - his judgment is not."

Anyways, if she can't sit at the table with you for some discussion to come up with a compromise - then, you need to decide what your boundaries are - how much are you willing to accept? Is the very sight of him unacceptable to you?

Depending on the situation, you may be unable to keep your mom in your life and cut Jay out completely as well. Your mom may believe that they're a package deal. But, I don't speak for her, and if she's not communicating with you, negotiation seems really not available - so, you may be left to decide for yourself what you'll accept and not, and just act on that. It's up to you what that would be.