JustWow

Hi,
I've been lurking here for awhile but this is my first time actually writing anything.

Today I actually managed to pull my head up and stop worrying about my stbxaf and work on me. I took care of a bunch of household type stuff, got my truck fixed and new one booked in and started cleaning up the mess he created in my garage. And then, I did the really hard thing I've been working up to and went to my first al anon meeting. I even talked a little bit.

When I left the meeting I felt better than I have in years. And then, it started. I felt so guilty for not thinking about how to help him with the problems he's created since I told him he couldn't be here anymore. I feel guilty for feeling better when he's not getting any better. I feel guilty for cutting him off when I know he needs help. And I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

What new level of hell is this?! I can't shake the guilt. I feel nauseous and don't know why... is it normal to feel like this? How on earth do I stop it? Help!

HeartbrokenGuy

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum.

Congrats on attending your first al anon meeting and making your first post. Those are really big steps.

I felt and continue to feel guilt. I have been told by others that it is very normal.

Others will be along shortly to share their experiences with you. I just wanted to welcome you and tell you that you are not alone.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome,

The way you're feeling right now is temporary. There's nothing you can DO to help him--he has to do that for himself. There are plenty of resources out there--AA, rehabs, etc.--when and if he decides he's had enough.

Loving someone doesn't mean being obligated to stick around when they are on a path of self-destruction and dragging you along with them. You were wise to walk away, and VERY wise to go to Al-Anon.

Happier days--without guilt--are ahead. I promise.

firebolt

You feel guilty because we are sick. Whatever had lead us to feel guilty for feeling GOOD will pass. Hang in there, keep going back! You deserve to let it go and move forward to better things that were meant for you!

FireSprite

I recognize these words, I've heard myself say them many times in this process. (although, I tend to describe it as a fresh, new hell )

IME, everything you describe is unfortunately normal. It's the feeling of going against the grain of what has been "normal" for so, so long. New = Discomfort & sometimes that discomfort gets so big that it physically manifests. (headaches, nausea, etc.)

The more you create a "new normal", the more that discomfort will ease off - it was a process for me & often hit me when I wasn't expecting it, making it seem more difficult to manage than it sometimes was in reality. I like to think of it like computer programming - we don't have a great way to just wipe our hard drives clean of the programming that is in place, but we can rewire new data by staying consistent with the new programming you're trying to write. If I got to the old normal via 100,000 bad thoughts, it's going to take 200,000 new ones to rewire that synapse, in my thinking.

TimeForMe

Hi JustWow - I recently came across this post on the ACoA board and found it really helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html