strongerinfl

Hi everyone,
I am totally new here but not to alcoholism or addiction. I grew up with a highly functional alcoholic and addicted father who no one would even believe drank so much alcohol behind closed doors. He was also very emotionally(never physically) abusive. Thankfully, my mom was able to leave him when I was 11 but most of the damage had already been done. I still maintain a fairly "close" relationship with him as he lives like 10 minutes from me (not my choice but his).
I have been to many Al-anon, AA, ACOA meetings since the age of 10. My profession is health-related and I directed a health promotions and wellness department years ago, worked in college with health promotions presenting alcohol and drug prevention chats and promoting mental and physical health.
So my discussion here is about my current boyfriend. He is 12 years younger than me and we met online. He was/is very charming. The second date we went on I noticed he was an alcoholic--he was already drunk at 12:00 p.m. on a work day in the middle of a park where we were "walking to get to know each other better" date. So, I thought, well this guy is very intriguing, extremely loving, caring and there is NO way in Hell I will consider him for anything serious....but let me just try this for a month or so, so here I am 1 year and 3 months later not able to let go.....Why? I don't get it. I have the knowledge to understand there is no future with this guy but he has a hold on me that I can't let go of...I have left him about 15 times (not exaggerating) like "good bye, have a nice life, move on" yet a day later I am at it again answering his calls and getting involved. Oh, I have tried soooo much to delete, block, erase, turn off phones, computers, change locks, go out with new people, seek the support of good friends, etc....yet I go back. I have offered to go to AA meetings with him, search for inpatient programs, hidden alcohol from him, etc... to no avail--and I know that I can't change him but at least I offered to help.
He has stolen from me (pills, money from my wallet, cel phone chargers , etc...) He has convinced me to pay for many dates out to pubs, beer, gas, food and occasional bills. Last July, his car was repo-ed and he was behind on all his bills and he begged me for a loan, $2K which I eventually gave in and gave him because he was literally shaking, sweating and nauseous on my bed because he had no money for alcohol and hadn't drank for 2 days and I felt sorry for him. He still owes me $1300 of that money. He lies about everything (and I know about it) but.....and here comes the hook--he gives me emotionally what I believe I need and missed out on from my dad--he is sooo loving, caring, attentive and he has never cheated..I know for a fact because I have a gps monitor on his phone he has no clue about ever since we started dating...and he actually is a loner who drinks at home or at his mom's--He also makes some changes every time I give him an ultimatum like giving me some money, buying me gifts, taking me out and he has never again hit me after he did once. It seems like he truly loves me--he treats his mother the same as me (lying, stole from her) and I know he loves her. But I know enough that alcohol and weed (forgot to mention that) will always be first. He has wanted to marry me and have kids with me since 3 months after we met....
Well, here I am a Saturday night writing about him while he is passed out drunk at his mom's (GPS verified) and wanting to be with him so bad but I told him to not come over after he promised me yesterday we were going out on a date tonight, got my hopes up, even told me he had money to give me towards the loan--and then dropped the bomb after I told him to come over that he only has $8 on him and can't do anything. That he loves me so much, how can I be so mean to him, why do I hate him? What is he doing wrong? Tell him how to change and he will do it, etc....He is literally begging to come over....I need help, I know--any thoughts would be much appreciated.

SparkleKitty

All I can tell you is that for me, growing up with an alcoholic mother and codependent father, when I eventually got involved with an alcoholic myself, it was absolutely, 100% because part of me had to put myself in a position where I could prove, for good and all, that my mother's drinking had nothing to do with me. That I couldn't fix her, that I didn't make her drink, that there was no perfect version of me that she could have been a good mother to. I was never able to work that out directly with her, so I found an alcoholic I could be with everyday, with whom I could try EVERYTHING: screaming, reasoning, threatening, bribing, boosting, supporting, whatever tactic I could think of to make him choose ME over the booze. And eventually, I not only understood, but accepted, that his drinking (and by extension, my mother's) had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. With that acceptance, I was able to walk away from him completely and literally never look back. Because I understood, finally, in my heart, that I deserved to be with someone who was present, reliable, and capable of loving themselves. And if that person had to be me? Well that was good enough too.

This man treats you terribly, but no worse than you are treating yourself right now. You deserve better, and you have the power to give that to yourself. Sending you strength, patience, and courage to find that out for yourself.

merhaba

Sparklekitty - Thank you. I had never considered this perspective but it makes perfect sense to me.

We all deserve better - someone who is present, reliable and able to love themselves - let it begin with US

Hugs

Bekindalways

Welcome Strongerinfl. I'm glad you found us. This can be a great support forum.

It is amazing that all the knowledge in the world only goes so far. Still we fall for addicts/alcoholics. When I met my qualifier, I knew he was bad news. We dated on and off (we probably topped those 15 breakups ( - ; ). I did finally make leaving stick.

In many ways, I was as addicted to him as he was addicted to meth. A lot of it was that he mirrored mechanics that injured me in my FOO.

To leave him I had to make it the number one priority in my life. Everything else had to be secondary.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

Ariesagain

Lots of women who grow up with alcoholic fathers end up with alcoholic partners...dunno if it's the familiarity that feels comfortable, the subconscious urge to fix the past, or the need to succeed where others "failed," but its a definite thing.

Do you have a therapist who can work with you to resolve your past? Because this has "lost decades propping up a mama's boy nightmare alcoholic" written allllllll over it otherwise. Al anon would be another potential source of support and information.

I hope you'll stay and do some reading here so you can see how very typical this is. There are people here who spent 30 years of their lives trying to fix the unfixable.

In the name of all that is holy, do NOT have a child with this man. It's bad enough you're holding yourself hostage to this sad imitation of a relationship (tracking him with a GPS? ), but a child shouldn't be anywhere near it.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

strongerinfl

That really resonated in me..Thank You ..I hesitated so much to write on this forum but I really need to hear other perspectives and experiences to open my eyes and for strength....

strongerinfl

Ariesagain: Interestingly, I was so convinced I had worked with my past and never had to re-open that door again, I am seeing how important it is to still resolve issues since I am a magnet for the abusive and alcoholic/addictive types...Thanks for your comment

PhoenixJ

Hi there St. I am sure you know all the info on such things. Perhaps co-dependency, memories of childhood- it really does not matter what has been in so much as it is now. What is best for you? Investing so much time into this situation is not good for you. Do you FEEL as if you have put your life on hold? In a staying pattern around the airport- never landing? Some outside advice and support may help. You do not want to be like this in a year- or 5 years. Look after you- remember HALTS, stay safe. Emotional blackmail seems to have a hold here from your words. My gran used to tell me 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. A desire to stop drinking- well, I was the most sincere and remorseful drunk on the planet- until I reaffirmed everything would not change- then ...where is that next drink? Action, over time is necessary. The loss of trust and living on the edge of hope- only to be dashed at the next binge. For example checking his where-a-bouts with GPS. How does that help you? You perhaps need to look at YOU, not him.
Emotions and logic seldom meet well with addictive behaviours, because the addiction is all- even to death, something which I am guilty of. Keep looking, reading- finding. My empathy and support to you. Keep posting and stay safe. PJ

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Casseopia

I'm just starting on the journey of letting go so I totally get how difficult you are finding it. I feel your pain.

I've been around addicts all of my life and they are often charismatic and larger than life. When times are good - they are simply amazing. But do the good times outweigh the pain and lasting damage this kind of life can do to your spirit?

Hugs.

FallenAngelina

You went to meetings as a kid, but are you active in Al-Anon now? When you find a meeting that feel right, you can explore the emotional aspects of your attraction. You've got the intellectual part down cold and don't need that part. Something about sitting with all of this in a community can be incredibly healing and can really move the ball down the field in a way that working on it alone cannot.

You're starting from the premise that you should offer to help and this is where Al-Anon can really help you with your intense attraction to this situation. SparkleKitty's post is also especially astute, IMO, and gets to the heart of what this attraction might be about.
Understanding your intense attraction to him is where your helping energy needs to be, not on efforts to get him well or to change his behavior.

AnvilheadII

The second date we went on I noticed he was an alcoholic--he was already drunk at 12:00 p.m. on a work day in the middle of a park where we were "walking to get to know each other better" date. So, I thought, well this guy is very intriguing, extremely loving, caring and there is NO way in Hell I will consider him for anything serious....but let me just try this for a month or so,

SO much conflict in that statement. Date #2, he shows up DRUNK, yet you think he is "intriguing, loving and caring". you say to yourself No Way But i'll give him a CHANCE.

this actually has very little to do with HIM.....he'd showed you clearly what his priority is by arriving to a date intoxicated. and yet.....you layered on a whole other level of persona upon him.....believing the frog to really be a prince.

you engage in the "come here, go away" dance.....and crave the begging and pleading, acts of contrition and promises of luvvv and happily ever after. and yet you KNOW it's not possible.

your fight is within. he is simply a representative of that fight. he has nothing to OFFER you, but he feeds a need - an unhealthy need. you think he LOVES you........but i have to ask.....does this LOOK like love? lying, stealing, choosing drink, hitting, abandoning, irresponsibility, using you, doing the same to his own MOTHER.

you cannot fix or change him. you CAN fix and change you tho!

madgirl

May I ask why you installed a GPS without his knowledge or consent?

Ladybird579

I know for a fact because I have a gps monitor on his phone he has no clue about ever since we started dating.

I am also wondering why? You clearly don't trust him and never have but if my boyfriend put one on my phone without my permission ( and they'd never get it cos to me it's a form of stalking) I'd break up with them when I found out.

LexieCat

I don't know the OP's story, but when you have phones on a joint plan, or certain settings enabled on things like FB, it's possible for someone to monitor another person's whereabouts without installing anything--you're simply accessing something that the other person has explicitly permitted.

Even assuming that's the case, though, monitoring someone else is not a healthy thing to be doing.

strongerinfl

It's actually his google timeline account which has gps if you activate it on the account. A month after we started dating, he gave me his passwords to Facebook, emails and IM--he did this so I could "trust" him after I found out he had lied about most of his past (finances, trips he never made, why his ex-gf's all left him, him being much more than what his life really was, etc...) and his ex-gf contacted me about a call she claimed was to go see her but I was able to verify it really wasn't---Major red flag, I know....In these past 15 months his timeline shows nothing that indicates he is cheating or has but his lying has me obsessed with what is real and what could be a lie of his whereabouts...It does show him going to the local bars for an hour or 2 before and after work...He has no idea and it is a major invasion of privacy but to protect myself from any "disease" and the one thing I would absolutely NOT tolerate, I check his whereabouts. To make it worse, the google account shows any incoming calls, outgoing calls, IM's and they mainly match with our calls and IM's to each other.
Anyway, this is no way to live and I realize I need to get out asap....I will be looking for Al-Anon meetings tonight---I've been dreading it--because I thought I was over the meetings but it is time--there is no way I can do this on my own...

Thank You all for your responses, they are really and truly helping

dandylion

stronger...this might be a mute point, by now...but, don't forget that it is possible for a guy to get a disease in just about any setting that one can imagine....

AnvilheadII

He has no idea and it is a major invasion of privacy but to protect myself from any "disease" and the one thing I would absolutely NOT tolerate, I check his whereabouts

ahem, actually the appropriate way that we protect ourselves from contracting a disease is to not engage in sexual behaviors with ANYONE we do not trust. not to track their whereabouts.

for so many reasons, this "relationship" needs to stop.