Tired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Tired
Just needed a place to vent. As my title states, I am tired, physically, emotionally, psychologically.
i married a "functioning" alcoholic 9 years ago...he hid his use very well prior to our marriage, he was helpful, kind, respectful...on and on and on. A "perfect" gentleman....someone I was happy to marry after being divorced for 28 years.
Long story short, after the marriage, his use was no longer hidden. For the first few years, i turned my back on the situation. After expressing my concern at the amount he drank compared to what he drank before we married...it tripled! He said it was due to stress, so I tried not to nag about it. Fast forward, after a couple of years, I mentioned a couple of sites explaining what happens to the physical body after drinking as much as he drank (26 oz of vodka a day/7 days a week). He didn't seem to care....I was worried sick, I loved this man and didn't want to have any of the horrible physical things happen to him.
Fast forward...9 years later. I am tired, do not feel love for him, would like to be rid of him...but at 60 unwilling to lose half of my assets to him. So resolved to ride it out. Roomates are what we are. I live my life, he retired, sits in his lazy boy and gets drunk, in bed by 6 p.m. everynight.
He now falls frequently before heading to bed, has showered twice in the past 10 months, musculature is becoming very flacid, and looks emaciated....diahrrea, I have grown accustomed to it all.
Today brought back a sense of amazement to me. He just found out that an old friend went to detox after finding out he had a seizure due to drinking a fifth of rum in two days.....he was shocked that his friend drank that much...like shocked. I asked why he was reacting so strongly to that info, as he drinks a fifth a day...Why does he think his friend drinks too much, and he doesn't....he kept stating his friend starts a 7 a.m.; I simply replied, it doesn't matter when you start your drinking day....it is the AMOUNT you drink in the day. He seems to think as long as he starts to drink at 2, he is ok.
Soooooo very tired of this b.s.
thanks for the space to vent
i married a "functioning" alcoholic 9 years ago...he hid his use very well prior to our marriage, he was helpful, kind, respectful...on and on and on. A "perfect" gentleman....someone I was happy to marry after being divorced for 28 years.
Long story short, after the marriage, his use was no longer hidden. For the first few years, i turned my back on the situation. After expressing my concern at the amount he drank compared to what he drank before we married...it tripled! He said it was due to stress, so I tried not to nag about it. Fast forward, after a couple of years, I mentioned a couple of sites explaining what happens to the physical body after drinking as much as he drank (26 oz of vodka a day/7 days a week). He didn't seem to care....I was worried sick, I loved this man and didn't want to have any of the horrible physical things happen to him.
Fast forward...9 years later. I am tired, do not feel love for him, would like to be rid of him...but at 60 unwilling to lose half of my assets to him. So resolved to ride it out. Roomates are what we are. I live my life, he retired, sits in his lazy boy and gets drunk, in bed by 6 p.m. everynight.
He now falls frequently before heading to bed, has showered twice in the past 10 months, musculature is becoming very flacid, and looks emaciated....diahrrea, I have grown accustomed to it all.
Today brought back a sense of amazement to me. He just found out that an old friend went to detox after finding out he had a seizure due to drinking a fifth of rum in two days.....he was shocked that his friend drank that much...like shocked. I asked why he was reacting so strongly to that info, as he drinks a fifth a day...Why does he think his friend drinks too much, and he doesn't....he kept stating his friend starts a 7 a.m.; I simply replied, it doesn't matter when you start your drinking day....it is the AMOUNT you drink in the day. He seems to think as long as he starts to drink at 2, he is ok.
Soooooo very tired of this b.s.
thanks for the space to vent
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad you're here.
Have you consulted with a lawyer? You've been married only 9 years--I seriously doubt he would be entitled to "half your assets"--more like half of what you acquired during the marriage. Depending on what you each brought with you when you got married, that might not be a great deal. As bad as his health is right now, it's going to continue to get worse, and he might just live a LOT longer than you think. Is this really what you had in mind for your retirement years? It sounds like a pretty miserable existence, especially with someone you no longer love. You can't even have friends over, I imagine.
If you haven't consulted a lawyer, I really, really recommend it. It never hurts to have a professional talk to you about your options.
ETA: As long as you continue to be married, you will be legally liable for his care and medical bills. That could eat up more of your assets than a divorce would.
Have you consulted with a lawyer? You've been married only 9 years--I seriously doubt he would be entitled to "half your assets"--more like half of what you acquired during the marriage. Depending on what you each brought with you when you got married, that might not be a great deal. As bad as his health is right now, it's going to continue to get worse, and he might just live a LOT longer than you think. Is this really what you had in mind for your retirement years? It sounds like a pretty miserable existence, especially with someone you no longer love. You can't even have friends over, I imagine.
If you haven't consulted a lawyer, I really, really recommend it. It never hurts to have a professional talk to you about your options.
ETA: As long as you continue to be married, you will be legally liable for his care and medical bills. That could eat up more of your assets than a divorce would.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi engine and welcome! Everyone needs a place to vent 
and that situation sounds terrible. It's amazing how alcoholics become unaware of the severity of their disease when they see it in others.. I've done that before too. It's in retrospect that I realize how hypocritical I could be about it!! Judging others for drug problems, meanwhile sneaking vodka around the house. It gives me shivers to think about it!
It's a shame he doesn't care more about his health. He should probably detox in a facility because of the risk of withdrawal. Of course, you can't force him unless you think he's a risk to himself or others... It's such a hard problem.
Glad you're here hugs!
and that situation sounds terrible. It's amazing how alcoholics become unaware of the severity of their disease when they see it in others.. I've done that before too. It's in retrospect that I realize how hypocritical I could be about it!! Judging others for drug problems, meanwhile sneaking vodka around the house. It gives me shivers to think about it!It's a shame he doesn't care more about his health. He should probably detox in a facility because of the risk of withdrawal. Of course, you can't force him unless you think he's a risk to himself or others... It's such a hard problem.
Glad you're here
hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies. As far as my assets are concerned; I fixed and flipped houses for years to provide for my family. Married, moved out of state, sold my last house after having a miserable experience with a property manager, (damage to my house ....10,000 dollars). Decided to sell that house, kept the assets in the bank for a very long time. At some point, formed the idea that I couldn't really tolerate this spouse of an alcoholic lifestyle, purchased another house in my home state and moved back home. Long story short, yes he is entitled to half of my assets as my asset is my house (300,000 in equity). Have sought legal help...so stuck for the time being. Trying to get him to agree to a separation....claim our own assets, own our own debt..etc. and not medically responsible for the other spouse. Will not divorce because of religious beliefs....I enjoy my life, I do not tether myself to his use. I do not take responsibility for his addiction, nor will I take responsibility for his recovery, if that should happen.For what ever reason, just really needed to share my astonishment of his admonition for what his friend drinks/time of day and is so short sighted with his own addiction. Just seemed crazy to me. I am tired, but I am ok.
Last edited by engineistired; 04-23-2017 at 06:52 PM. Reason: misspelling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
I think part of the trouble with him divorcing/separating is, he will be homeless. He used to take pride in being a "functioning" alcoholic because he held a job. Well he doesn't have a job now and so now is just an alcoholic, without a job, without a home, without a family....so he isn't cooperative with severing.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
You sound empowered to take positive steps!! I don't know anything about divorce, but I do know that alcoholics rationalize their abuse in some pretty ridiculous ways. My ex laid it all out for me and I still found ways to say no, that's not me, that's not who I am... I didn't have the tools to take action! It seems like a sad case, as he is obviously in denial and not ready to stop. I wish you all the best as you decide what to do
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Engine....alcoholism is the disease of DENIAL. Not only is it common, it is necessary for them....If not for denial, the cognitive dissonance would be excrutiating for them....
If you would like to get a good picture of the dynamics of how the alcoholic mind works....you might appreciate the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. I still find them among the best, on this aspect of alcoholism that I have read....
You can find them at this website....Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several....but, you might like...."The Addict's Dilemma"....."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"....."Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
If you would like to get a good picture of the dynamics of how the alcoholic mind works....you might appreciate the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. I still find them among the best, on this aspect of alcoholism that I have read....
You can find them at this website....Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several....but, you might like...."The Addict's Dilemma"....."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"....."Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I too was one who tried to ride it out. I wasted 34 years of my life. It was worth every ounce of pain, going through my divorce. I would never allow addiction in my home again.
Addiction is progressive, it will get worse, if you can believe that.
Addiction is progressive, it will get worse, if you can believe that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you're not inclined to divorce for legal reasons, why not get your own peaceful home where you could live away from the chaos? I don't see how living apart and married would be more detrimental than living with him, married. Yes, additional expense is involved, but given your penchant for improving the value of a house, seems like you ought to at least break even.
And I'd sure be thinking about divorce even if it winds up costing you. Depending on what happens, you could still wind up ahead of the game, financially. Peace is priceless.
ETA: You could always file and propose a settlement wherein you each keep your own "stuff"--Is he "together" enough to hire a lawyer? He can't prevent a divorce, but a legal battle over property requires a certain amount of organization and willpower--both of which he seems to have in short supply. If he doesn't oppose it, you could potentially wind up with a default judgment.
And I'd sure be thinking about divorce even if it winds up costing you. Depending on what happens, you could still wind up ahead of the game, financially. Peace is priceless.
ETA: You could always file and propose a settlement wherein you each keep your own "stuff"--Is he "together" enough to hire a lawyer? He can't prevent a divorce, but a legal battle over property requires a certain amount of organization and willpower--both of which he seems to have in short supply. If he doesn't oppose it, you could potentially wind up with a default judgment.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Great advice from Lexie. Also, depending on where you live, things aren't necessarily split 50/50. In my state the split is what's "just and fair". Also, in my state you can divorce for cause with addiction being one of the valid reasons - though I believe this is rarely done because of the cost involved. However, a person's cut of the assets may also be reduced by costs of their addiction if they are significant.
In my settlement I'm asking for more than 50% of assets, which my AH disagrees with. We will either need to come to an agreement on our own or he will have to get an attorney.
In my settlement I'm asking for more than 50% of assets, which my AH disagrees with. We will either need to come to an agreement on our own or he will have to get an attorney.
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