Breaking Up with an A...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Breaking Up with an A...
....has a lot to do, I have found, with trusting. Trusting yourself and maybe trusting your higher power.
I kept telling myself that I needed him. Afterall, he rescued me when I ran out of gas, helped shuttle my kids to and from school, sometimes took us out, put things together for me, helped me move THREE times, hung stuff up on the walls, stuck bt my side and was emotionally available for me in my times of need....
I overlooked so many instances when he was not there, however. I think the cognitive dissonance kicks in when there isn't a clear cut and dry picture of it being all wrong or bad. And the little by little changes and insidious progression of the disease had us up and down and on and off and so unsure of what to do... Because you can see that person, underneath the addiction. You CAN remember when he was present... and sometimes the changes are so subtle and slow that your original image is what your mind has clung to... But inevitably, he changed. He knows it. I know it. My kids can see it.
Let me post a positive update about all this. It took me time to break up with him. The ideas I had of our perfect match, I found, became non existent over time. And all I had signed up for disappeared. Still, I cared... I loved him... I STILL DO. But the facts are: I'm giving and he's taking, he hasn't changed except for the worse, and all the love in the world won't help him... he has to find his bottom.
Only 2 days after I had asked him to leave, I decided to pull all of our beautiful FB pics down. Many of them made me cry and hurt over what I was now letting go of... But at the same time, I was remembering 'Oh this was thst time he was supposed to be there, but wasn't, because he was drinking.' Or, 'oh he was "secretly" drunk in this pic.' Or, 'this was that time he was extremely hung over'... there were lots of those....
Fast forward a week. In my stress, I completely forgot that I had been heating a small breakfast item in the oven before work, and I left it there ALL DAY on accident. This was yesterday. I was soooo worried, I thought about calling him. It was an emergency. I argued with myself the whole way home, and I prayed... A LOT, that I hadn't burned the house down! I did not call him. I didn't "need" to. The house was fine. My breakfast, burnt to a crisp.... but I evaded calling him for what I almost thought was necessary.
And then today. My check engine light came on. I know nothing about cars. He's been the one to take care of car needs. Again, I told myself I don't need him. I Google autozone, figured out how to run that code scanning machine, and found out it was only a gas cap! I. Don't. NEED. Him.
And this week has proven that to me... Maybe in the future I'll find myself wishing I had a man... life can be hard as a single mom... but my brain is at ease knowing that I was simply over stressing and listening to my worse case scenario anxiety that partly kept me clinging to a relationship where he was SOMETIMES a great partner.
I'll probably be back on some dark night when I feel despair... but not today. Ha! And today happens to be four years that my step dad passed of liver cancer... Alcoholism sucks ars!
I kept telling myself that I needed him. Afterall, he rescued me when I ran out of gas, helped shuttle my kids to and from school, sometimes took us out, put things together for me, helped me move THREE times, hung stuff up on the walls, stuck bt my side and was emotionally available for me in my times of need....
I overlooked so many instances when he was not there, however. I think the cognitive dissonance kicks in when there isn't a clear cut and dry picture of it being all wrong or bad. And the little by little changes and insidious progression of the disease had us up and down and on and off and so unsure of what to do... Because you can see that person, underneath the addiction. You CAN remember when he was present... and sometimes the changes are so subtle and slow that your original image is what your mind has clung to... But inevitably, he changed. He knows it. I know it. My kids can see it.
Let me post a positive update about all this. It took me time to break up with him. The ideas I had of our perfect match, I found, became non existent over time. And all I had signed up for disappeared. Still, I cared... I loved him... I STILL DO. But the facts are: I'm giving and he's taking, he hasn't changed except for the worse, and all the love in the world won't help him... he has to find his bottom.
Only 2 days after I had asked him to leave, I decided to pull all of our beautiful FB pics down. Many of them made me cry and hurt over what I was now letting go of... But at the same time, I was remembering 'Oh this was thst time he was supposed to be there, but wasn't, because he was drinking.' Or, 'oh he was "secretly" drunk in this pic.' Or, 'this was that time he was extremely hung over'... there were lots of those....
Fast forward a week. In my stress, I completely forgot that I had been heating a small breakfast item in the oven before work, and I left it there ALL DAY on accident. This was yesterday. I was soooo worried, I thought about calling him. It was an emergency. I argued with myself the whole way home, and I prayed... A LOT, that I hadn't burned the house down! I did not call him. I didn't "need" to. The house was fine. My breakfast, burnt to a crisp.... but I evaded calling him for what I almost thought was necessary.
And then today. My check engine light came on. I know nothing about cars. He's been the one to take care of car needs. Again, I told myself I don't need him. I Google autozone, figured out how to run that code scanning machine, and found out it was only a gas cap! I. Don't. NEED. Him.
And this week has proven that to me... Maybe in the future I'll find myself wishing I had a man... life can be hard as a single mom... but my brain is at ease knowing that I was simply over stressing and listening to my worse case scenario anxiety that partly kept me clinging to a relationship where he was SOMETIMES a great partner.
I'll probably be back on some dark night when I feel despair... but not today. Ha! And today happens to be four years that my step dad passed of liver cancer... Alcoholism sucks ars!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great job, LG! Yup, it's always possible to figure things out, or to deal with them, without calling/contacting the person from whom we have moved on. There are friendly experts everywhere. And friends who CAN be counted on in case of a true emergency.
I'm so glad to hear you're moving on from this relationship. It's been a very long time, and you've given him every opportunity to deal with his issue--he's simply not THERE--not for you, and not for himself.
And I know one of the big motivators for me, when I left, is that I didn't want to get to the point where I hated someone. For me, it was better to leave while I still cared and could feel some compassion. I just made sure I had compassion for myself, first.
I'm so glad to hear you're moving on from this relationship. It's been a very long time, and you've given him every opportunity to deal with his issue--he's simply not THERE--not for you, and not for himself.
And I know one of the big motivators for me, when I left, is that I didn't want to get to the point where I hated someone. For me, it was better to leave while I still cared and could feel some compassion. I just made sure I had compassion for myself, first.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Oh Lexie! Yes! I too wanted to leave before I ended up hating him. I should also add that I finally moved out of my alcoholic mom's house. It has been MUCH healthier for our relationship to be able to continue.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
This is a great post and very true. My ex was very unreliable but he had other qualities I thought I needed. It's hard to trust yourself when you remember all the good things. The reality is that deep down we know what's right.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
I love this!! I have the same issues and fears. I am still in the very beginning stages of proving to myself that I don't need him.
In my case, I just left a few weeks ago and haven't encountered anything too big yet, but certainly a few things and there will certainly be more. I'm nervous of all of these things. So thanks for sharing your strength!!
In my case, I just left a few weeks ago and haven't encountered anything too big yet, but certainly a few things and there will certainly be more. I'm nervous of all of these things. So thanks for sharing your strength!!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
This is awesome for all of you. Keep doing what you're doing. Each win, no matter how small, builds experience and strength for the next situation.
Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
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