Just Spent 2 hours on the phone
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Just Spent 2 hours on the phone
with exah who is sober at the moment. He texted my son and asked if I'd phone him about holidays arrangements so I did. I am still mavelling at his ability to be who he was before all his insanity began just 3 months into his sober stint. It was just like old times. His happy, positive, unselfish self is back. The man I hardly remember. It was a timely reminder that I was not a complete idiot for marrying him cos this is how he used to be before him and his drinking caused carnage. Complete and utter carnage..........
I know it won't last ( I maybe wrong. I can hope for my boys sake am wrong but I've no expectations and it doesn't matter to me personally anymore) but it was nice to chat to him like old times instead of arguing, recriminations and wondering if he would remember the convo the next day. I think I've forgiven him. I will never be involved with him again but this time he is truly trying and for that I can only give him a high five. I feel like a weight lifted off me cos I hate feeling hatred towards him and despising him.
I know it won't last ( I maybe wrong. I can hope for my boys sake am wrong but I've no expectations and it doesn't matter to me personally anymore) but it was nice to chat to him like old times instead of arguing, recriminations and wondering if he would remember the convo the next day. I think I've forgiven him. I will never be involved with him again but this time he is truly trying and for that I can only give him a high five. I feel like a weight lifted off me cos I hate feeling hatred towards him and despising him.
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Hi Ladybird,
Not sure of your original story with your exah and how bad it got...so please forgive me if I step out of line with my response...
As an alcoholic myself and an ACOA who's mom had 2 decades of sobriety before she died, we really ARE completely different people once we begin to find recovery. We hate who we were when alcohol was part of our lives ...the shame, humiliation, regret, depression and all the relationships we destroyed in the wake of our alcoholism is what we live with every day. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of this dam disease.
I guess my point is...you weren't an idiot for marrying your exah. No doubt, the man he was when you married him was a completely different person than he became as his disease progressed.
As the wife of an A, I know your pain. I am currently on the fence in regards to making a decision on whether I'll remain in this marriage. My AH is trying to stop drinking (again)... AH being able to successfully "make it stick" this time, find true recovery and ultimately become the man I married 16 yrs ago would make a huge difference on my final decision.
Thanks for you post ...it really made me *think*!
Not sure of your original story with your exah and how bad it got...so please forgive me if I step out of line with my response...
As an alcoholic myself and an ACOA who's mom had 2 decades of sobriety before she died, we really ARE completely different people once we begin to find recovery. We hate who we were when alcohol was part of our lives ...the shame, humiliation, regret, depression and all the relationships we destroyed in the wake of our alcoholism is what we live with every day. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of this dam disease.
I guess my point is...you weren't an idiot for marrying your exah. No doubt, the man he was when you married him was a completely different person than he became as his disease progressed.
As the wife of an A, I know your pain. I am currently on the fence in regards to making a decision on whether I'll remain in this marriage. My AH is trying to stop drinking (again)... AH being able to successfully "make it stick" this time, find true recovery and ultimately become the man I married 16 yrs ago would make a huge difference on my final decision.
Thanks for you post ...it really made me *think*!
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ladybird, I know how you can forget why you liked someone after constantly encountering them drunk. My sister went through a shocking patch with drinking, and unfortunately she's a drunk dialler.
She still drinks in the evening, so now I make sure I only get in touch during the day, and then I remember how much fun she is. I wish she was like that all the time.
Yes you were right to leave because, like me, you can pick and choose when to talk to him (as in refuse to if he's not sober), and you don't have to hang around for the drunken bits.
She still drinks in the evening, so now I make sure I only get in touch during the day, and then I remember how much fun she is. I wish she was like that all the time.
Yes you were right to leave because, like me, you can pick and choose when to talk to him (as in refuse to if he's not sober), and you don't have to hang around for the drunken bits.
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I'm glad you're not second-guessing your decision to leave, though!
Not a chance Lexie.
One thing I have learnt is we are both better apart. I don't like what I become when am with him anymore than he likes how he is when with me. If he continues in his recovery he needs someone who does not know that alcoholic part of him. I've too many bad memories for us ever to pick up again.
Not a chance Lexie.
One thing I have learnt is we are both better apart. I don't like what I become when am with him anymore than he likes how he is when with me. If he continues in his recovery he needs someone who does not know that alcoholic part of him. I've too many bad memories for us ever to pick up again.
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I guess my point is...you weren't an idiot for marrying your exah. No doubt, the man he was when you married him was a completely different person than he became as his disease progressed
Yes he used to be funny, sweet and kind. He was good to be around. I felt safe with him back then. After 20 years I forgot that as he became gripped by his addictions ( he took sleeping pills and painkillers he got illegally as well).
He never made any effort to get sober while I was with him. He came close to to death cos of his drinking and was hospitalised on a life support more than once and at that time I felt I was making him worse. I remember standing looking out of the icu window. It was dark so I could see my own face reflected back and telling myself, with tears pouring down my face, that this had to stop. One way or another I couldn't do it anymore. My daughter was sat behind me and she went home and told all her siblings I was too busy looking out the window to care about her dad. She had no idea I was in bits and was trying to hide it from her so she wouldn't be scared. She went back to university shortly after and I've never seen her since...3 years later. I lost 3 of my daughters by being brave cos they thought I didn't care. I did but I was passed it by then. so worn down by it all.
Now he is arranging our son's passport to take him to Germany in October. He couldn't have organised a food shop at one time so yes totally different off the alcohol.
Yes he used to be funny, sweet and kind. He was good to be around. I felt safe with him back then. After 20 years I forgot that as he became gripped by his addictions ( he took sleeping pills and painkillers he got illegally as well).
He never made any effort to get sober while I was with him. He came close to to death cos of his drinking and was hospitalised on a life support more than once and at that time I felt I was making him worse. I remember standing looking out of the icu window. It was dark so I could see my own face reflected back and telling myself, with tears pouring down my face, that this had to stop. One way or another I couldn't do it anymore. My daughter was sat behind me and she went home and told all her siblings I was too busy looking out the window to care about her dad. She had no idea I was in bits and was trying to hide it from her so she wouldn't be scared. She went back to university shortly after and I've never seen her since...3 years later. I lost 3 of my daughters by being brave cos they thought I didn't care. I did but I was passed it by then. so worn down by it all.
Now he is arranging our son's passport to take him to Germany in October. He couldn't have organised a food shop at one time so yes totally different off the alcohol.
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Yes you were right to leave because, like me, you can pick and choose when to talk to him (as in refuse to if he's not sober), and you don't have to hang around for the drunken bits.
It good he in his own place and I don't have the worry of what he is or isn't doing, what housekeeping he is spending and if there is enough for bills or if he will burn the place down smoking while drunk is no longer my problem. As you say if he's sober I'll talk to him and if he's not I put the phone down.
Deep down you know despite everything he did and all that happened I still love him. I hate admitting that and would never ever act on it but it's true. :/
It good he in his own place and I don't have the worry of what he is or isn't doing, what housekeeping he is spending and if there is enough for bills or if he will burn the place down smoking while drunk is no longer my problem. As you say if he's sober I'll talk to him and if he's not I put the phone down.
Deep down you know despite everything he did and all that happened I still love him. I hate admitting that and would never ever act on it but it's true. :/
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