Csswan

Hi hi. First post but I've really been struggling with this and was hoping that someone here could share their experiences and give me a bit of guidance.

Have had a very very tumultuous affair with a man I met at university. We were both in relationships, although I left mine as soon as the affair started. Looking back, I can't really believe how naive I was - he was emotionally manipulative, fostered codependency, the works, but I fell pretty deeply in love with him - and I still very much am. Anyway his girlfriend eventually found out and there was a lot of drama and he got help and started AA and he's doing so so well. We see each other a few times a week and he's apologised for how he treated me and I'm incredibly proud of him. He so wants to make amends and be better and all I want to do is help him with that.

However, a friend recently heard on the grapevine that the ex-girlfriend told her friend that among other things like robbing her etc., he raped her. Now I obviously find it very difficult to hear this - he's always been solicitous to a fault with me - I don't see why she would lie to a friend and honestly I can imagine him being so drunk that he could do something like that without fully realising what he was doing.

There are so many things that I am willing to forgive him for - he's stolen and lied and we've talked about how much he's changed and how important his sobriety is - but i feel like this is different. I trust him 100% now he's sober, and for myself I'm not afraid that he'll ever do something like that, but I feel as though there is something so awful in committing an act like that that needs to be addressed.

This is all compounded by the fact that I've promised not to talk to him about it - I was told in strict confidence and my friend really doesn't want him confronting the ex-girlfriend and bringing up painful and difficult subject that might be traumatic for her.

I was just wondering if anyone has had any past experiences of rape allegations against alcoholics. Obviously alcoholism isn't an excuse for doing something like this, but what can I do to address it in a way that will be supportive of him and his sobriety whilst acknowledging that what he did was potentially criminal? I care so much about him and I want to give him a chance to do things the right way and treat people how they ought to be treated, to start again and draw a line underneath the past, but I can't just forgive this in the same way - particularly because it's not my place to forgive, it's his ex gf's.

Anyway. Any thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated.

SparkleKitty

If you have promised to maintain this secret, then I don't think you have any place talking to him about this.

This information will undoubtedly inform your future relationship with him, but other than that, this has nothing to do with you. It's not your job to teach him to "do things the right way."

Sasha1972

I don't think you should speak to him about the rape allegations. That puts his former girlfriend at risk. I think you have to figure out how you yourself are going to live with this knowledge about your friend, because I don't see any way you can "address it" with him.

atalose

You can’t have it both ways, blame it on the alcohol then say it’s not an excuse.

I also don’t see that you need to address this with him but you do need to resolve your own ambivalence about it moving forward. I imagine not only this rape allegation but the robbing her and cheating on her must also weight heavy on your mind because if he did that to her then he could do all of that to you as well because remember – alcohol is not an excuse for bad behavior.

LexieCat

I agree, you should not address this with him.

If he did this to her (and as you've acknowledged, you have no reason to doubt it), he could do it to you, or to any other future partner.

Rape is fundamentally different from taking someone's property. It evidences disrespect, at best, for another individual's personal integrity. Most rapists don't do it only one time.

Alan6154

I spent some time in Japan. They have a different outlook on drinking and being drunk. In Japan you are expected to go drinking with your boss anytime he wants to. Failure to do so is a career killer. You are considered "not a team player", that being said if you act improperly when you are drinking they believe that is the real you and you just have the where with all to conceal it better when you're sober.

Might be some truth in that thought process.

AnvilheadII

i'd really re-think this whole thing. you already admitted that he lied and stole from you. and that he maintained his existing relationship when you two first hooked up. and now an allegation of rape from the last person he was with. you also say that he is a classic manipulator.

i'm not sure how much more you can lower the bar on acceptable behaviors?? lying? eh, possibly. stealing? uh no, i don't care WHY, stealing is a crime. assuming we aren't talking about snagging that 5 dollar bill one time. and now a possibility you say you can imagine happening - that you can "see" him perpetrating sexual violence against a woman.

there are some things that are dealbreakers.

his ex has NO reason to forgive. he cheated on her with you AND now we have the allegations of rape. that is just about as serious as it gets.

Ladybird579

and for myself I'm not afraid that he'll ever do something like that,

Why? Why are you different to his ex girlfriend? If he has raped once he will do so again. Being drunk or on drugs or any other substance abuse does not excuse rape. Most alcoholics do not go around raping people. There are alcoholics that are ALSO abusive and there are alcoholics who are not.

He cheated on his girfriend with you, as you did with him. Either one of you could do this again. She probably thinks you deserve each other, sorry to say. He steals and he lies. How low do you really want to go ?

tbeit

whilst acknowledging that what he did was potentially criminal?

Um rape is not potentially criminal. Rape is not about sex its about control. From what you say control is one of his main issues.

I've been drunk and high out of control but I dont think you could get so high or drunk that you can commit a violent crime against someone that you love or at least had feelings for at one time. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you're making excuses for him.

I get that he is doing better but its up to him to make amends to this person. I'm sorry but he has defects of character and no matter how much progress he has made he sounds dangerous.

I'm sorry but rape I dont know kind of unforgivable in my book

OT4Kids

My "ex" fiancee was falsely accused of rape. He was out drinking with co workers and one woman got really drunk. He let her crash at his place on the sofa. She later accused him of rape though they never had sex. He was later arrested and later charges were dropped but he never got reimbursed for lawyer fees which were 30,000

heartcore

I disagree about this being "non-talk able about."

You kind of need to know where he stands on this!

Perhaps this is why I am single (!) but I want a relationship in which I can openly discuss a concern or fear. I believe this is an appropriate discussion (if you are also able to hear his perspective...).

heartcore

There are false allegations & very real allegations.

Do all your homework!

Watch the eyes during this discussion...

Is this person trustable??

FallenAngelina

All of this about what kind of person he is is just a huuuuuge distraction from what's going on in yourself. Nobody can manipulate you unless you emotionally hook into them. Nobody can foster codependency unless you are codependent yourself. You fell deeply in love with this man and you're still deeply in love with him - someone who makes it clear that you're susceptible to emotional manipulation and codependency. Not were - are. This is what you would benefit from thinking about, not all this concern over the alleged rape. This man continues to be a huge distraction and excuse (it seems to me) for your not focusing on your own personal development. Nobody can foster codependency in a relationship unless you foster it right back.


You may have stopped having sex with him (have you stopped having sex with him?) but you're as emotionally involved with him as if the affair were still going hot and heavy. Why do you see him a few times a week and why are you so very devoted to helping him?

LexieCat

Just a reminder, folks,

The OP posted this single post a month ago, and has not posted since. So it's possible she's still reading, but this isn't really an active discussion right now.