jjnorris

Things came to a head tonight. After 2 days of not talking we had a fight and I told him to leave. It didn't start out that way. I have been upset and frustrated since his tantrum about not getting enough attention. Then the day after that, he tells me "Oh by the way a friend is coming by with pot, are you mad".
I always felt like it would be something big that caused this break. But instead it was little things, 2 beers a night turned into 6 into more sometimes, I won't smoke became "whoops, my bad, just this one time" tonight it was him deciding to turn spare room into a bedroom for him instead of trying to talk. Him telling me I am not happy and never will be, never owning that his actions are what are making me unhappy.
I feel like he is simply trying to take an inch at a time. Tonight I just could not see an end to it. He is not getting drunk, although the quantity is slowly increasing and have had a few nights of him "falling asleep" in the chair (which was status quo before) and now pot is back in the mix. It has only been 3 wks since he started drinking again. In many ways I feel I am being petty. Nothing major has happened. But I am afraid of where this road leads and he refuses to hear me. And I don't mean he won't do what I want, but more that he won't even acknowledge my fears or concerns. That he writes it off as me never going to be happy, I can't say anything, I can't be upset or worried and when he messes up a quick I'm sorry is supposed to fix everything. That, above all else is what finally had me saying I am done. I love him, I want more than anything for him to not go, to not end our life together. But I can't keep this up.

SparkleKitty

It's not petty; it's your life.

You get to live your life the way you want, as does he. It seems as though if you try to do that together, at least one of you will be unhappy. It is kinder to both of you to let go.

FeelingGreat

JJ it's not petty it's the accumulation of many years of addiction. You know you can't go back to it. Slowly but surely he's pushing the envelope, and soon you'll be back where you started.

What are your next steps?

honeypig

You know why you feel like that? B/c that is EXACTLY what is happening. You are not imagining it, you are not overreacting to it, you are not some horrible person w/unreasonable demands that can never be met. Experience has taught him that there is a pattern: Things gradually get worse and worse, until you reach your breaking point and make a fuss. Then he makes some minor concessions, just enough to settle you back down. As soon as that happens, he maintains that lower level for a bit, then begins ramping up his use again. Lather, rinse, repeat, right?

XAH and I did this dance too. And it worked well for him for more years than I care to admit to. Until eventually I came here, got to Alanon, and learned how to stop the cycle by changing MY actions.

It will change for you when you come to the realization, painful though it is, that he is NOT going to do anything different, and if you want a different life, YOU are going to have to make it happen for yourself.

I hope you're able to spend some time reading around the forum, since we have a couple of members now who are in the process of doing just that. Check out threads from MusicLady and OT4Kids, among others.

I miss XAH very badly sometimes, or perhaps I should say I miss the man he used to be. It seems such a shame and a waste of a life, but I don't get to decide how he lives his life, only how I live my own.

Seren

Compromise is part of every relationship. Maybe you don't fold the socks the way he likes, maybe he doesn't put the dishes away the way you like, maybe you have to go to his vacation choice this year so you can go to yours the next.

Drugs use and drinking to excess to escape, throwing tantrums when things don't go his way, disrespecting you...these are not things over which I would personally compromise. He has not shown any indication that he is unhappy with his own behavior, so there is no motivation to change as long as you put up with the status quo. Unfortunately, you can't assume that he will come to his senses and become the man you love just because you have asked him to leave. Would that it were that simple.

I am sending you hugs and prayers and support. I wish him well on his journey.

Please take good care!

dandylion

jjnorris......to whom does it seem like a petty thing? Are you imagining (future tripping) as to what he will say...or, what you will say when people ask why you are split? Are you fearful of what other people, who don't know what you have been living with, will think about you? That you might be labeled as petty? that you will have to wear the black hat?
That they will believe him...and, not you?

If this is, possibly true.....then I wonder who is the one being "tortured" (your word..)....and, I wonder who lies awake at night, wondering how to go on...you or them. How much have they really had to suffer at the hands of his alcoholism?

Whose truth do you need to live by.....His truth..their truth...or your own truth?

Maudcat

Well, jj, you know what you know. You have experienced it. Agree with the other posters that if you want a change, you have to make it. As Ann Landers used to say, "Are you better off with him or without him?"
It's kinda sad that I remember Ann Landers. Hugs to you. I know it's not easy.

LexieCat

I think I know what you mean, jj. I don't think you're trying to say what he's doing is "petty," I think you're afraid that this straw that broke the camel's back is petty.

That's sometimes how it works. I endured years of lies and irresponsible behavior from the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic). The awareness had slowly crept up and I'd told him I wanted to break up and he was "looking" for a place to live (but clearly not very hard). For me, the last straw was finding out he had lied to me about his AGE, of all things, for five years. He'd always claimed to be two years younger than I was, and I discovered, late one night, that he was actually five years OLDER than me.

Now, this was decidedly NOT an earth-shaking revelation, but it symbolized all the disrespect for all those years. And I literally woke him up in the middle of the night and told him he was getting his stuff OUT the next day. The next morning he came in with his coffee as if nothing had happened. I told him I meant what I said and he was getting out that day and I was staying home from work to see that he did. He whined, "I've got no place to GO." I said, "Not my problem."

And he left. He found a place to go (cheap motel for a few days then found an apartment). He took most of his stuff and came to get the rest a few weeks later. It was all boxed up for him.

Sometimes you stand what you can stand, and eventually, as Popeye used to say, you "can't stands no more."

atalose

I agree with LexieCat, it's been a build up of many things and repeated issues that have given you the courage to push that "end things" button.

I think when we begin to learn things from others we begin to see things we were unable to see before and once we do see them we cannot un-see them.

I think it's sinking in that HE is not going to change, he doesn't want to he wants drinking and smoking pot to be the center of his life and that doesn't leave much room for you unless of course you stuff your wants, needs and concerns down and away as he wants you to.

That's not a healthy loving caring relationship, having him stay would make you more his hostage then as his loving partner

maia1234

I agree with the other posters JJ, this is what he wants to do with his life. You are trying to change him to make you happy. He is a grown man, and even if you feel he is making a mistake, he is entitled to do what ever he pleases.

I am sorry, it is so hard to surrender but let God take care of him and you need to start rebuilding. There is an amazing life out there for you!! Hugs my friend!!

AnvilheadII

it's not petty. you had your "moment of clarity" where you could clearly see what IS and also where this is headed, again. you've seen this movie, you've LIVED this movie and you know how it ends. he isn't going to "see the light" - in fact he's wearing black out sunglasses to assure he can't.

the ending of these things is never easy. but if you can take your focus of what you wish HE would do, and embrace what is best FOR YOU and follow that path, you WILL be ok.

and we're here for you!

Lovelost4ever

Another Sunday night ended the same way as so many before. Me in tears, my ABF passed out, and I feel so alone. I've read and reread so many articles hoping to find and answer that fits my situation. This is the first one.

My ABF lies about his drinking, where he is and about how much he drinks. This last break up came with the promise "I'll quit drinking to save our relationship" and he did for a week. I knew better but I had hope, again. The last straw tonight was one sentence. He told me "he will never quit because he loves alcohol" and he would stop drinking "if I would stop nagging him." Honestly, I usually don't say anything because as long as I don't say anything about his drinking, life is bearable.

He is not physically abusive. He is a hard worker. He is very caring. So my question is, why does it make me so angry that he drinks? Money? Verbal abuse? Drunk affection? The screaming?

I know in my heart what I need to do. My love is lost for him. But why can't I say goodbye and move on? Why do I feel guilty? If anyone can shed some light for me, share a story, give me a suggestion, I would be so thankful.

Maudcat

Very sorry, Lovelost, for your trouble.
You sound about done in. I get that. I have an alcoholic sib. They wear us out.
I think that often we don't like to give up on a person because we have a lot of years with them. Hard to admit that it is a crap investment.
Also, we want the life with them that we think we should have. We want them to be the person they were before drink took over.
With all respect and with kindness: this is not the life you want, and you only have one.
He is not the man with whom you can share good things, bad things, day to day things.
He is alcohol dependent. That is what he loves and wants.
You are way second.
You know what you know. He is not going to change. If you want a different life for yourself, then you must create it. Peace.