Lovebug7

It's been a few days so I thought I would update everyone. We sat down and talked. Really talked. Of course we both have more things to say. We stayed up super late until we were both tired. We decided to get back together.

Everything was fine for a few days. On his first day off, he completely ghosts me. Doesn't reply to my texts or phone calls. The next day I get a text saying that he needs some time alone to think. I was worried he was dead or something. Is this normal behavior for alcoholics? I was also worried his best friend might have hooked him up with another girl or something.

I've put those books mentioned in the last thread on my reading list. I'm going to be doing a lot of reading .

SparkleKitty

It's actions, not words, that tell you who someone really is and what someone really wants. Whether addiction is involved or not.

He may have said that he wanted to get back together, but his actions are showing you otherwise.

honeypig

Yup, those "real talks" that seem so honest and open and heart-to-heart aren't worth a thing if they don't go along w/the actions. Looking at the actions will give you the truth of the matter, and not only in your dealings with an alcoholic but in your dealings with the world at large. It's an important principle to learn and will stand you in good stead in the rest of your personal life as well as work and/or school matters.

Seriously, being able to do that has changed the way I view and relate to the world so much...

Even if it WAS normal, is it what you want to live with?

Sasha1972

My ex-husband is really good with the sincere, heartfelt talks, and then he goes off and does something that makes no sense at all (like your boyfriend "ghosting" you). Like everybody else says, it's not the talk that matters, it's the actions. I heard a saying somewhere: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. It sounds like this is what you boyfriend is doing.

atalose

I wouldn't say its normal behavior for alcoholics but I would say it's HIS normal behavior. Nothing at all has changed with him in this past month. Nothing at all has changed for you either. You are still holding onto "what could be with him" instead of accepting the reality of what is.

I am sorry he continues to do this to you and I am sorry you keep allowing it.

LexieCat

You said, on your other thread, that taking the MOSAIC assessment really opened your eyes.

So you have this "heart-to-heart" with him, decide everything is OK, he disappears on you, and you're still thinking about staying with him?

This isn't about his being an alcoholic. This is about his being a controlling, manipulative creep and your being willing to settle for that and risking your own safety in the process.

This is a very bad scenario for you. I hope you will reconsider.

AnvilheadII

Everything was fine for a few days. On his first day off, he completely ghosts me.

absolutely NOTHING changed. did it? you may have thought you two really had THE TALK, but from his side? eh just words. and now back to old tricks.

this is exactly what you get from this guy. with the bonus of abuse, accusations, demands. the minute you can't locate him, you disasterfy the outcomes - either he's a) Dead or b)Cheating.

that is not healthy or sustainable. your attachment TO him is not healthy for you.

NYCDoglvr

As long as you continue to accept this behavior it's what you'll get.

Maudcat

Nah. He's drinking. No changes. Sorry.

OT4Kids

I am sorry you are going thru this. Get out while you can. I can't tell you how many times my bf did this to me. It took me losing money, time, and my mind to realize that my bf wasn't going to change. It's not ok to disappear on someone.

PuzzledHeart

Is grass green? Are clear skies blue?

Just spend enough time here and you'll realize that your story repeats itself again and again and again on other threads.

I had similar issues with my sister, and it hurt so much when she would turn on me. When I came here, I realized that I didn't have to take it so personally because she was acting just like any other non-recovering addict. My response to her behavior - that was completely up to me. What was also up to me - if I was willing to expose myself to her behavior in the first place.

I almost married somebody who was emotionally cruel. He broke things off with me the day after I mailed out the wedding invitations. I was devastated and humiliated. And you know what, he did me a FAVOR. Because, in the end, I ended up with my current husband. And the difference between my old relationship and my current one is night and day.

You can do much much better, but you have no idea what better is because you haven't experienced it yet.

You said once:
His place was ALMOST a safe haven. But it wasn't. And you know it.

Take the energy you've been investing in your BF and channel it towards your own future, towards your own safe haven. Don't be afraid to be alone for now, because you can have some pretty amazing adventures.

My son recently found some pictures of me crossing a river on a three wire bridge and that has apparently earned me some Awesome Points. What he didn't know was that the picture was taken two months after my ex-fiance had broken up with me, and my heart was screaming each morning I woke up. But I determined that I needed to do something that I could label as an adventure or else I was going to go insane. And now it's almost funny, when I think back to that time, I have a hard time even remembering the heartbreak. What I do remember is the kindness and generosity of strangers who didn't even know what I was going through, and still opened their hearts and homes nonetheless.

PhoenixJ

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