Gracefor8

Why is it so hard to walk away ? Just when I feel strong from having time away from him , I see him again and all the feelings , good and bad, come flooding back.

PhoenixJ

Grace- I can offer no advice on this one. I do offer compassion, empathy and support.

Gracefor8

Thank you . That really does help , just knowing that .

FeelingGreat

Grace, what is holding you back? Is it fear or love? Or something else?

It takes a long time away from someone you're attracted to before you can see them again without being sucked in. Make sure you don't see him.

dandylion

Grace...."Why is it so hard?"......seriously, if you want the answer to this question, there is a great deal written about "pair bonding" and "attachment bonding" in humans. You can do a google search, and find extensive discussions....
In a nutshell...it is a bio-social thing....and involves evolutionary biology....the neurotransmitters in the brain are involved---mainly, vasopressin, dopamine, and oxytocin. Yes, it is physical as well as psychological.
Once we establish these bonds with another...it is exquisitely painful to break them....and,it doesn't matter if the person was a prince or a scoundrel...the pain is the same....
Just about anybody on this forum can attest to this, including myself.
We do accommodate and recover...but, it takes time and abstainence from the other one.....
Any contact can herald a whole new cascade of the powerful neurotransmitters, again! Back to square one.....

I hope that his sheds some l ight on why it is so hard.....

***I have long noticed, though, that, just knowing the why does not make it hurt any less when one is going through it.....It takes time and space away from the other one to do that.....

batchel9

I am having this same issue so also have no advice. I'm hanging on by a thread and won't let that damn last thread break. Reflecting on my own situation, there is a lot that I love about this man. The reasons I married him are still there. It just comes with all of this other BS. There are good days that make me feel like maybe this will all get better? But he still isn't really trying it doesn't seem like to me.

I found an apartment, have all the forms, and just need to pull the trigger and that is where I am stuck. I think one of these days I'm just going to have to force myself to take them in and at that point I'm locked in.

maia1234

It's not easy, if we weren't these type of people we all would have walked out a long time ago. It's who we are.

I am 2 1/2 years divorced and I stay as far away from my axh as possible. If I see him on the street I get heart palpations and can't think straight. It is almost like something takes over my body and I melt. No contact gives me the strength to stay away from "fire", and not get burned.

I wish I had a better suggestion, but that is what works for me. Hugs to you both, in time you will have the strength to do what you need to do.

Katchie

I don't know all of your story, but it took me a long time to finally walk away. It was painful and sometimes still is. I didn't always think I was doing the right thing and I still struggle with trusting myself. The peace I have now I wouldn't trade for anything, but even driving back to my old hometown can make me misty eyed. Its normal so don't beat yourself up. Give it time. Find new hobbies and new friends that you don't share in common and rebuild. The rebuilding is very helpful to creating separateness.

dandylion

^^^^^^^Yes, Yes, Yes....it hurts because it is normal for it to hurt. It is written in our nature and biology.....
If it didn't hurt...there would be something wrong with you....
(except for cases where a person has done the grieving before the split)...even then, it takes some adjustment to the new environment....

Ladybird579

I think Dandylion has nailed it. We are hard wired to bond and we bond with unsuitable people as well as good ones. Then we forget the bad and only remember the good and, in my case, the good was exaggerated beyond all recognition....for a very long time.

It was only when I forced myself to focus on the bad and admit the good was never that good and force myself to remember how that person had made me feel ( belittled, sad, depressed, scared, lonely, angry, exasperated, let down, worried, unloved....etc) that I managed to break away.

atalose

I believe that this is one of the main reasons why “no contact” is such an important tool for our own recovery.

It is much harder when there are children involved or divorce, but given the opportunity, we really need to take it.