sauerkraut

As those who have been following my story know, yesterday a judge ruled that my STBXAH no longer has to do sobriety monitoring when he has custody of our kids because he has blown sober on alternate weeks for the past year.

The judge ruled that "The children are old enough to understand what is going on and to report any incidents of alcohol use by [their dad]."

Needless to say, I'm horrified that a judge thinks it's appropriate to put children in charge of monitoring their parent's alcohol use. (I presented tons of evidence that STBXAH is an alcoholic; the judge ruled my journal and the doctor's diagnosis hearsay and dismissed them both.)

STBXAH doesn't claim to be in recovery. He remains in denial about being an alcoholic now thinks he can drink moderately.

Given this situation, I'm trying to figure out how to continue doing the best job I can to protect my kids, who are 10, 15, and 16.

Those of you who grew up with an alcoholic parent, what helped? What do you wish your other parent had done, or what did your other parent do that was helpful? Or what do you wish you had that you didn't? Any good book recommendations? Any suggestions from parents who have navigated this?

I'm already trying to get my kids in Alateen and therapy.

Thank you in advance for suggestions and advice.

SparkleKitty

I can only tell you that because of the complete and utter SILENCE around my mother's alcoholism, I wasn't even able to acknowledge her addiction until I was 19 years old, and it would be another 11 years before I actually was able to admit it was at the root of all of my dysfunctional relationships.

After that, for me it was therapy, therapy, and therapy,

I wish one or both of my parents had ever been able to recognize that they needed to recover from something (be it alcoholism or codependency) while we were growing up. So you are way ahead of the game there.

I wish I had been able to understand that my mother's emotional unavailability, anger, and depression were not my fault nor was there anything I could do to control those things (because they sure as hell made sure that their kids believed there was).

Openness about alcoholism and your own recovery will go a long way. Alateen and therapy, if they are ready, would be good too.

Mostly, making sure they know that it's not okay for dad to be drinking when he is taking care of them, and that it's not their fault if he does, and they are not to be blamed for making the call to get picked up if and when it happens.

SmallButMighty

My father was alcoholic, my mother codependent. Looking back in the branches of my family tree on both sides there are "issues".

I don't have much in the way of advice though. As a child I never saw my Dads drinking as a problem. Dad drank and he was happy, Mum didn't drink and she was grumpy with Dad. Seemed like her problem, not his and not mine or my brother's. I do know now that my mother shielded us from some things, though my dad was never angry or violent when he drank to excess occasionally. He was fun, playing his guitar along to his records. He drank beer every day after work and I just thought that was normal and what every daddy did. In truth, in our blue-collar community, it was very much the norm.

It wasn't until I was an adult, married to a drinker, with a child of my own ( and another one on the way) that I could see the "problem" with my Dad...and my husband. It took me many more years and a whole lot of codependent chaos before I realized I was repeating a cycle and my kids were watching it all happen. Devastating to realize I was contributing to that.

My XAH and I had been broken up just over a year when our daughter(21) moved away to the big city with her bf(26) who was going to university. She was working full time. His drinking started to get out of hand. She did not tell me or her dad or anyone... she just suffered through it. Of course it got worse. I noticed she had gained weight and was unhappy, I thought maybe just homesick, but she kept telling me all the fun, multicultural stuff she was getting to do in the City and I thought she was enjoying it..... of course the crash finally happened and all the truth came out about his drinking, and how she was trying to manage it, and put on a happy face ..and, and , and... OMG... I was so sad for her, and so angry with myself thinking that, that was the role model I had been for her.

Up until this point she had still been mad at me for breaking up with her Dad, because of course I'd shielded them from the worst of his drinking and they had no real idea what had been going on for years. I had her read Codependent No More.. and I asked her to do it with a very broad mind set, not just for her romantic situation, but to apply it to other family members and situations as well. She came away from that book a very changed young woman. She also came out of it a lot less angry at me. When we would talk about what was happening with her , I would try not to trash talk her Dad, but did let her know some things she didn't and point out some similarities. She came to the ultimate decision that she didn't want to wait it out and hope for the best because she didn't want to be "20 years in with a couple kids and stuck with an alcoholic"... I was so proud of her and I told her so, she said, " see I can learn from someone else's mistakes"... I am sorry she went through that hell, but I am DAMN glad she learned at 20 what I didn't learn until 40.

So like I said, I don't have any real advice, but I do see that in our family, we are breaking the pattern... my mum never did, never will,"get it", she is hopelessly codependent to my brother... I was middle aged when REALLY I figured it out... and my girl was a young woman... hopefully by the time she has children they will never see the sick cycles all generations before them did. My fingers are crossed... but not only that, eyes are open, ears are listening and mouths are talking sense instead of quacking codependent babble.

I've asked my young adult children to be open and honest...and I've told them there is no shame in asking for help or support when you need it. I wish I had known more when they were younger so maybe I could have done some things differently. But I didn't.

Good on you for getting a jump on this sauerkraut. I'm sure you will do a great job making sure your kidlets have healthy outlooks going forward.

hugs!

FireSprite

I always think of Brene Brown's parenting manifesto when this question comes up, because it has become my guideline for not raising a codependent child in a lot of ways. From my own recovery I have learned to see the codie habits I do not want to pass on to DD, (people pleasing, perfectionism, burying emotions, etc.) but this manifesto helps me remember what I DO want her to inherit & that I have to model this behavior if I expect her to learn it:


The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brene Brown)

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.



I cry every time I read it, and I know when the day arrives that I don't, I'll have made major headway on my ACoA damage. The biggest thing lacking for us as children was the understanding that our emotions were valid & could be expressed & managed rather than stuffed down internally.

If you use the search engine & click on "advanced" you can keyword search "children", "kids" & "ACoA" for old threads on this topic too - there are a lot of great shares buried in our history.

sauerkraut

FireSprite,
I'm printing that out and making copies for each of my daughters, for when we discuss this new situation this evening. I'm devastated today; thank you to you and everyone else for helping me to see a way forward.

FireSprite

There are free 8x 10 printables on her website:

Downloads - Brené Brown

I keep a copy in our kitchen, on the wall in DD's room & she carries a copy on the inside of her school binder.

Maudcat

That is beautiful, FireSprite. Thank you.
Sauerkraut, just make sure your children know what to do if Dad is impaired. Just have a plan.
Be matter of fact about. It. Much as you would be if one of them had a condition that required specific response protocols, like diabetes or severe allergy shock.
This will, I think help to empower them so they don't feel tossed around in a storm of dad's making. Peace.

LifeRecovery

I don't have kids and I did not grow up in an addicted household.

I did grow up in a codependent one however.

Probably the biggest thing for me would have been that feelings are relevant, and important. It is not about being perfect, it is about being yourself, and feelings are important in knowing who you are. They are also mine and mine alone and not about anyone else. There was not a lot of feelings allowed in my home, and though we learned to try and feel other's feelings it was not encouraged to have our own.

I carry a copy of Brene's manifesto. Not because I have kids, but because every time I read it I heal (and cry a little too).