Anxiety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Anxiety
Left AH on Monday. Had to communicate with him by text yesterday about financial matters.
Blood pressure increased, and I felt immediate anxiety and frustration. This happened at 8 last night. I'm still awake at 4 am. Cannot relax or calm down. How did I live like this for 7.5 years?! It's a state of perpetual anxiety and stress. Being away from it for two days allowed me to relax. The stress was painfully acute as soon as I had to interact with him. I don't know how my mind and body made it through that constantly elevated anxiety for so long.
It will be wonderful when there's nothing left to discuss except our son.
Blood pressure increased, and I felt immediate anxiety and frustration. This happened at 8 last night. I'm still awake at 4 am. Cannot relax or calm down. How did I live like this for 7.5 years?! It's a state of perpetual anxiety and stress. Being away from it for two days allowed me to relax. The stress was painfully acute as soon as I had to interact with him. I don't know how my mind and body made it through that constantly elevated anxiety for so long.
It will be wonderful when there's nothing left to discuss except our son.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi musiclady,
Time...it takes time for that adrenaline anxiety rush to be reduced each time you have to have contact. I know it did for me with my ex-husband. I would steel myself for a conversation telling myself that "hey, then I don't have to talk to him for another couple of weeks!"
The downtime between contact became longer. Each conversation I 'survived' made it so my anxiety lessened with time.
Hang in there! It gets better!!
Time...it takes time for that adrenaline anxiety rush to be reduced each time you have to have contact. I know it did for me with my ex-husband. I would steel myself for a conversation telling myself that "hey, then I don't have to talk to him for another couple of weeks!"
The downtime between contact became longer. Each conversation I 'survived' made it so my anxiety lessened with time.
Hang in there! It gets better!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
It does get better. I went from panic attack anxiety when dealing with my exah, to rage, to annoyance and now only anger if he tries to manipulate my kids. He's not a feature anymore. I found as soon as we were out of the equation and he got what the wanted from a financial point of view he rarely makes any contact. He's enjoying drinking in peace.
I also wondered how I'd done it for 20 years when I cannot stand him on the phone for 2 minutes.
I also wondered how I'd done it for 20 years when I cannot stand him on the phone for 2 minutes.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
The adrenalin crash was my first thought too - my physical crashes always left me feeling more vulnerable & sensitive emotionally as well. At my worst, the acupressure points in my hands that related to the adrenals literally throbbed day & night; I was so depleted & imbalanced.
OH!.... and let's not forget you just moved an entire farm. Relocating animals & your household all while he was working - then drove nearly half a day before resting. No Big.
My 2nd thought is that you are already seeing why time & space are so important sometimes. It gives you the distance to shift perspective, just enough. Things look differently through these filters once you've embraced awareness/acceptance, IMO.
Hang in there, you really are doing great!
OH!.... and let's not forget you just moved an entire farm. Relocating animals & your household all while he was working - then drove nearly half a day before resting. No Big.
My 2nd thought is that you are already seeing why time & space are so important sometimes. It gives you the distance to shift perspective, just enough. Things look differently through these filters once you've embraced awareness/acceptance, IMO.
Hang in there, you really are doing great!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow do I understand. My X actually gives me full blown panic attacks. It's all to do with my children now, as we are past all the financial and other stuff. It's been three years.
I wish I knew the solution. I am going to try to access a therapist that practices EMDR as I believe that can greatly help, however, I found out the person I was going to do it with does not take insurance, and I cannot afford it, so I am back to square one with that.
Tight hugs to you.
I wish I knew the solution. I am going to try to access a therapist that practices EMDR as I believe that can greatly help, however, I found out the person I was going to do it with does not take insurance, and I cannot afford it, so I am back to square one with that.
Tight hugs to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
ML, this seems entirely natural although its frustrating not being able to sleep. You are away from immediate 'threat' and as the levels of stress reduce you'll have the time and energy to deal with emotions that were suppressed by the need to keep going.
Your reaction to having to contact AH gives you some idea what level you were existing on before.
Have you considered learning meditation?
Your reaction to having to contact AH gives you some idea what level you were existing on before.
Have you considered learning meditation?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
*BIG HUGS*
Boy-o-boy do I know about anxiety and panic attacks where it concerns my XAH. So thankful that is all over now.
I am sorry you are still feeling that stress, but as other have said, it will subside. The longer and farther away you are from him and his behaviours, the less your body will react with that flight or flight response. It just takes time.
I practiced some breathing exercises that helped me get my heart rate under control and focus my racing brain. One was the really deep controlled "belly" breathing with my hand on my belly so I knew I was breathing really deep and not high in my chest, and the other was called box breathing...The pattern is simply a box, where you inhale to a count of 5, hold for a count of 5, exhale to the same 5 count and hold again for 5, repeat. Both really helped me get myself back under control.
Things will be much more peaceful very soon. Hang in there.
Boy-o-boy do I know about anxiety and panic attacks where it concerns my XAH. So thankful that is all over now.
I am sorry you are still feeling that stress, but as other have said, it will subside. The longer and farther away you are from him and his behaviours, the less your body will react with that flight or flight response. It just takes time.
I practiced some breathing exercises that helped me get my heart rate under control and focus my racing brain. One was the really deep controlled "belly" breathing with my hand on my belly so I knew I was breathing really deep and not high in my chest, and the other was called box breathing...The pattern is simply a box, where you inhale to a count of 5, hold for a count of 5, exhale to the same 5 count and hold again for 5, repeat. Both really helped me get myself back under control.
Things will be much more peaceful very soon. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Thank you so much, everyone. By 7, I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours. I've messaged my AH, asking him to set himself up an email account for our future communications (except in emergencies). I told him that talking or texting with him isn't working for me. I just can't believe the physical reaction I had to him from texts last night.
All of your input makes so much sense. Adrenaline...fight or flight...living in this state for an extended period of time. Well, let's just say it...for years. This is a process, too. Just like leaving was a process. A journey. And I'm embracing it as well as helping my children to do the same.
Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. Calm again today. Thanks again for your wonderful input. It continues to help me through challenging times. ❤
All of your input makes so much sense. Adrenaline...fight or flight...living in this state for an extended period of time. Well, let's just say it...for years. This is a process, too. Just like leaving was a process. A journey. And I'm embracing it as well as helping my children to do the same.
Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. Calm again today. Thanks again for your wonderful input. It continues to help me through challenging times. ❤
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
My daughter's counselor recommended bilateral music from you tube, needs to be listened to with earphones that switch from left to right (apple iphone ones do this, and many others).
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Musiclady- first, I want to say what an amazing person you are! You've accomplished so much...hugs to you.
Second- if you set up an email address for him to communicate with you, I did two things that might help--
1) Notified him when I'd be checking it (no more than once a day, in the evening), so he needed to think in advance if he had a need for a quick response, and limited my exposure.
2) After a while, I needed more help. I didn't tell him this was happening, but I gave my sister access to the account and didn't ever read the emails myself. You'd be surprised how much those could still trigger the fight/flight. My sister would read them, cut through the crap, and call me to tell me what he asked or what needed a response. She didn't share any of his garbage, and hearing his requests from my sister's voice and words took away the reactions, even if he was being ridiculous. She also helped me reduce my responses to only what was necessary. If you have anyone who can do this for you, it REALLY changed things for me. I monitor it now, and I can't remember when I took it back...but it was after his power was gone. My sister was grateful for the chance to help (at the time I felt it was an imposition, but I didn't realize how much others wanted to help me).
This may not work for you, but I know that feeling all too well, and I can't send enough hugs!
Second- if you set up an email address for him to communicate with you, I did two things that might help--
1) Notified him when I'd be checking it (no more than once a day, in the evening), so he needed to think in advance if he had a need for a quick response, and limited my exposure.
2) After a while, I needed more help. I didn't tell him this was happening, but I gave my sister access to the account and didn't ever read the emails myself. You'd be surprised how much those could still trigger the fight/flight. My sister would read them, cut through the crap, and call me to tell me what he asked or what needed a response. She didn't share any of his garbage, and hearing his requests from my sister's voice and words took away the reactions, even if he was being ridiculous. She also helped me reduce my responses to only what was necessary. If you have anyone who can do this for you, it REALLY changed things for me. I monitor it now, and I can't remember when I took it back...but it was after his power was gone. My sister was grateful for the chance to help (at the time I felt it was an imposition, but I didn't realize how much others wanted to help me).
This may not work for you, but I know that feeling all too well, and I can't send enough hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Thanks, Firesprite. Your post comment gave me a good giggle at times, but it also made me see how strong I've become as a result of that chapter of my life. Monday was a HUGE day and, with the help of friends and family, it happened. Looking back, it sounds nutty...lol. But it all came together and life is already infinitely better.
Thanks again!
QUOTE=FireSprite;6369270]The adrenalin crash was my first thought too - my physical crashes always left me feeling more vulnerable & sensitive emotionally as well. At my worst, the acupressure points in my hands that related to the adrenals literally throbbed day & night; I was so depleted & imbalanced.
OH!.... and let's not forget you just moved an entire farm. Relocating animals & your household all while he was working - then drove nearly half a day before resting. No Big.
My 2nd thought is that you are already seeing why time & space are so important sometimes. It gives you the distance to shift perspective, just enough. Things look differently through these filters once you've embraced awareness/acceptance, IMO.
Hang in there, you really are doing great!
[/QUOTE]
Thanks again!
QUOTE=FireSprite;6369270]The adrenalin crash was my first thought too - my physical crashes always left me feeling more vulnerable & sensitive emotionally as well. At my worst, the acupressure points in my hands that related to the adrenals literally throbbed day & night; I was so depleted & imbalanced.
OH!.... and let's not forget you just moved an entire farm. Relocating animals & your household all while he was working - then drove nearly half a day before resting. No Big.
My 2nd thought is that you are already seeing why time & space are so important sometimes. It gives you the distance to shift perspective, just enough. Things look differently through these filters once you've embraced awareness/acceptance, IMO.
Hang in there, you really are doing great!
[/QUOTE]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Great advice, Praying. I will definitely try that. Thank you!
Originally Posted by Praying
Musiclady- first, I want to say what an amazing person you are! You've accomplished so much...hugs to you.
Second- if you set up an email address for him to communicate with you, I did two things that might help--
1) Notified him when I'd be checking it (no more than once a day, in the evening), so he needed to think in advance if he had a need for a quick response, and limited my exposure.
2) After a while, I needed more help. I didn't tell him this was happening, but I gave my sister access to the account and didn't ever read the emails myself. You'd be surprised how much those could still trigger the fight/flight. My sister would read them, cut through the crap, and call me to tell me what he asked or what needed a response. She didn't share any of his garbage, and hearing his requests from my sister's voice and words took away the reactions, even if he was being ridiculous. She also helped me reduce my responses to only what was necessary. If you have anyone who can do this for you, it REALLY changed things for me. I monitor it now, and I can't remember when I took it back...but it was after his power was gone. My sister was grateful for the chance to help (at the time I felt it was an imposition, but I didn't realize how much others wanted to help me).
This may not work for you, but I know that feeling all too well, and I can't send enough hugs!
Second- if you set up an email address for him to communicate with you, I did two things that might help--
1) Notified him when I'd be checking it (no more than once a day, in the evening), so he needed to think in advance if he had a need for a quick response, and limited my exposure.
2) After a while, I needed more help. I didn't tell him this was happening, but I gave my sister access to the account and didn't ever read the emails myself. You'd be surprised how much those could still trigger the fight/flight. My sister would read them, cut through the crap, and call me to tell me what he asked or what needed a response. She didn't share any of his garbage, and hearing his requests from my sister's voice and words took away the reactions, even if he was being ridiculous. She also helped me reduce my responses to only what was necessary. If you have anyone who can do this for you, it REALLY changed things for me. I monitor it now, and I can't remember when I took it back...but it was after his power was gone. My sister was grateful for the chance to help (at the time I felt it was an imposition, but I didn't realize how much others wanted to help me).
This may not work for you, but I know that feeling all too well, and I can't send enough hugs!
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