patience15

Hi all. Ive been doing a lot of reading and soul searching. And I've spoken to a few folks in recovery i have been told I have codependancy...I looked up the word co dependant....that I am not. But when you reserach the world affilated with addiction I belive I am. Which breaks my heart. I've been fighting within myself over this only to realize that I am.

I have put my wants and needs last for the last 2.5 years. But then again that's me. I had kids so I am used to being last, however they are grown adults now.

While I am truly in love with this man I feel as if I really don't matter (know what I mean??) Our sex life is non exisitant and has been since 12/2015. He blames it on various things, tells me it's not me but how can I not feel like it's me? I have brought it up I was told he doesn't care if he ever has sex again, he said you've already had it..it must have been good because you're still here. (I'm here because i'm in love with him engaged to be married in September). Now I believe he has ED. He got sober for 120 days then fell! He now drinks on the weekends, but it's the entire weekend from Friday after work until it's gone on Sunday. Which leads to him passing out (tells me it's because he's tired from work) but that's just his excuse to continue I know this!!! I don't drink and I want to do things together but he is content with isolating at home with his computer with his "friends" chat room in politics. The onlt affection I seem to get is a kiss goodbye, a hello when I walk through the door or honlding my hand and touching feet while in bed, once in while I get snuggling in bed. I am starting to feel like I am not good enough and that i am only around to do the cooking and cleaning etc... and I have expressed this OUT LOUD and he said "no i love you we are a team Im sorry you feel that way...." he hasn't told his friends(real life) about getting married but talks about it with my family and his online friends...talk about feeling like a heel or unwanted. I have said many times if this is not what you want speak up now so I can return my dress before it gets altered and if you have to think about it we don't need to be doing this at all. He said i'll tell you (while he had booze in his system) and I said then I have my answer. When he becomes "sober" it changes he didn't mean it..blah blah blah

He gets loud and angry when things don't go his way while drinking (very much a narcissit and egotistical even when sober, he has to hear how good his music is or how he's dressed constantly looking at hmself in mirrors) he gets loud and swears at me I have begun to fire right back and saying stop swearing at me. He gets a chuckle and mocks me about the word swearing.....I simply walk away from it. When he becomes too much I just leave the area. I am a nonconfrontational person, I always have been. I was domestically abused in my first marriage some 25+ years ago. So if I have learned one thing....just walk away and defuse it.

When he's not drinking I am sitting in the same room and we really don't even talk (sometimes I don't mind) when I do say something I feel as if I am bothering him. Just a few days ago I brought it up and he said it's because I really don't care about that topic...and I'm like wow I listen to everything you have to say whether or not I'm interested (just regular respect).

I am beginning to see it now!

I just had a MAJOR surgery done, a tunny tuck after a 175 pound all natural weight loss that took me 3 years then I maintained it for a year before i decided to do this. He did really well the first 5 days, then it was like I was expected to be back to normal cooking and cleaning etc...I am supposed to just sit for awhile (weeks/month) sigh!!!!

He's in a band (just joined) he was talking about how he needs to get clothes to fit in, i told him you aren't getting anything until I get clothes that fit including bras and underware he made a humph noise and shook his head and i said I'm being serious. I have gone without and I'm not anymore. Then I shut up. I mean it's to the point he needed his "eyebrows" shaped and I was in desprate need of a haircut and I said I can't even afford a cut right now....he went to the store and ran some errands and when he came back low and behold guess what he did while he was out? Yep! I didn't even bring it up....It's about him! And I am sick to death of it...when is it my turn??? I have decided I come first for awhile I can not take this. I am at my wits end, I'm getting frustrated ....One thing you need to understand everyone.....I am TRULY MADLY DEEPLY in love with this man.....that's what keeps me here otherwise I would have been gone long ago.....I need advice I need support....

what can I do to change this? I have begged him to stop and seek help....I know he deeply loves me I feel it and get glimpses....HELP

Ariesagain

What exactly do you love about him? Because nothing you've said says anything love-worthy about him...he's vain, self-absorbed, verbally abusive, hiding your engagement (while you're buying a wedding dress), doesn't want sex, has no respect for you, doesn't converse and is drunk much of the time?

Sometimes I think that being "in love" as a concept has brainwashed way too many people into staying with the wrong person.

This is who he is. It has nothing to do with you...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The question becomes whether settling for this is what you really want to do.

At the least, postpone the wedding and return the dress while you decide?

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

Hi there, and congrats on the weight loss. I had a tummy tuck after losing 60 pounds over the course of a year (and also had had two kids) and I think you'll be happy you did it.

I can't say the same about marrying this guy. I would NOT make plans (or continue with plans) to marry right now. I'm not saying you have to leave immediately, just that your life becomes immeasurably more complicated (and most definitely NOT BETTER) once you are legally tied to him.

I don't think everyone who is in love with an alcoholic is "co-dependent"--the labels really don't matter, though there are some people who have a history of relationships that satisfy common characteristics. It sounds, though, as if you are just stuck on this guy. The thing is, you seem to have no problem standing up for yourself. Your biggest problem seems to be that you are settling for an unsatisfying relationship.

I'm just gonna throw out an idea, which may be way off base. Is this possibly related to issues having to do with your weight problem? I know I was overweight up until high school, and I was so thrilled with the prospect of someone's finding me attractive that I overlooked a lot of indicators that the person I was with really wasn't a suitable partner.

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics. I can tell you that it is progressive. Unless your guy gets a hundred percent committed to recovery, this is the BEST you can ever expect him to be. More likely, your life will become progressively more miserable as he continues to drink. I doubt he has "ED"--alcoholism messes with the libido. It probably has nothing to do with you, or with physiological problems (other than those related to alcohol).

But he's selfish and, as you describe him, narcissistic. Those characteristics, which you've noted even when he's not drinking, are notoriously resistant to change.

So I get that you have this strong "in love" feeling for him, but you are looking at a miserable future with this guy. I think, if I were you, I'd think about valuing yourself as much as you do him.

And whatever you do, don't get pregnant until/unless he has been solidly sober for a year or more. Life with an alcoholic parent is HORRIBLE for children, and they have no say in the matter.

honeypig

If you mean what can you do to change the situation, the answer is EVERYTHING. You can decide at any point that you want and deserve better for yourself and go about getting it.

If you mean what can you do to change him, the answer is NOT A SINGLE THING. He is who he is. Ask yourself why you'd want to marry him.

You know he deeply loves you based on what? You've described someone who treats you with disrespect, someone who is selfish and inconsiderate, someone who claims he wants to marry you but hasn't even told his friends about it. There is an incredible amount wrong w/this picture, and I see nothing that would come close to "love" in it.

I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you can take some time to read around the forum. I also hope you are able to ask yourself why you'd settle for someone who treats you this poorly.

NewRomanMan

So... .exactly why are you in love with this man? Because I have to tell you, I would be running away as fast as I could screaming. You think things are horrible now? Wait until you get married.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but this guy doesn't sound sober, sane or even very nice.

patience15

I love him for the person I KNEW and KNOW he can be. It's very hard to explain. It's the kind of love you only feel once in your life.....do you understand what I mean?

I haven't set an exact date due to this....and the dress is at my dad's in another town put away. He grew up in that era of drugs and alcohol. All of his real friends are in recovery or are recovered per say,,,all go to meetings still. I have some big decisions to make! That's why I reached out I need guidance from others who might be going through the same thing....

I don't want to just settle....I'm worth more than that!

There's a lot to this whole story...from his sister's suicide last year to him losing his childhood best friend (brother to him his whole life)two weeks later.... Thank you for getting back to me I need to hear things even if I don't agree I need to hear them! I have NEVER covered for him and I won't I make him own it that's one thing I have always done....I won't lie. And I'm not gonna make excuses for his awful behavior either....he can be a total ******* or the sweetest man alive. I guess i hang onto the man I fell in love with because I know he's in there.....SOMEWHERE RIGHT?

aliciagr

How long have you been together, and was he always as you described above? Has your quality of life improved or got worse since being with him?

edited: looks like you just posted before me, so he wasnt always this way, and thats the man you fell in love with. ok got it.

honeypig

Patience, the man he is showing you is the man he IS. There is not some split personality/evil twin thing going on.

LexieCat

People can, and do change--and sometimes the change is for the worse. I agree with Honeypig--there is not some multiple-personality thing going on. It's not like you remove the alcohol and the "real him" shines through. You've acknowledged that he's a jerk even when he's not drinking.

I do know that "soulmate" feeling. I felt that way when I met my second husband--it was like, "Wow, now everything in my life makes sense--we were DESTINED to be here and to be together." He was charming and sweet. But he also drank himself nearly to death (was comatose for several days, liver/kidneys shut down, they were talking need for a liver transplant if he could stay sober long enough to qualify), was sober for a short time (during which time I married him) and then he went back to drinking, lost his job, and showed zero prospect of getting sober or finding another job. I finally had enough and left a matter of months after we got married. 25 years later, and I have no idea how he's alive but he is, and he's still drinking so far as I know. I'm only thankful I didn't stick around for the rest of the show.

Ariesagain

I hope you'll hang around with us...if you do some reading of other threads here you'll see that your story is very textbook and many of us have been there.

It follows a pattern...there's an initial whirlwind courtship that's magical and other-worldly and never-felt-like-this-before. Then things start crumbling around the edges as the alcoholic partner starts withdrawing and drinking more. Naturally enough, the other partner starts desperately scrambling around trying to make things magical again. Now the power is all the addict's...so they instinctively use that power to manipulate. They blame the partner for "making them" want to drink because stress. They deflect...others think they're fine so it's all in their partner's head. And they withdraw more and more...first because their drinking/using is demanding more and more of their energy and second because it keeps their partners groveling and taking more and more abuse.

This is a really unhealthy situation. The man you saw in the beginning may have been only an act...most of us put our best foot forward in the early days. And addicts are incredibly charming and romantic because it helps in recruiting partners. Then the veneer wears thin.

This is the guy you're going to get, manicured eyebrows, zero sex and all. Is that what you want, is the question.

Sending you strength and clarity.

P.S. I once thought I was with my once-in-a-lifetime love and put up with much too much for much too long. In the end, I found enough self-respect to boot him out and resigned myself to a single life.

Three years later I met my actual once-in-a-lifetime. We've been together 29 years last month.

Just sayin'.

patience15

Hi thanks for the little giggle! I am WAY past having children. I have grands!

I had already lost the weight before I met him and I had been dating around, however when we met....it was like a HUGE lighting bolt hit us both. Short version....he told me he loved me twice and i left his house both times freaked out, we split apart for a month and a half "HE" called me....we talked and it went from there.

I am getting better about standing up for myself....I express my feelings when I feel the need. I let him know that I don't approve of this or that. According to his friends he's ALWAYS been an egotistical naracisitic person (sorry I am using talk text and she thinks for me). I am the first woman who will not give him what he needs in that manner! I refuse to feed an ego....if you are that insecure deal with it! I have been giving him testostrone shots when i moved in I asked what was it for he said his doctor said it was good for him since he was a little low (this was even when sex was there). He has been through some rough crap the last year (not an excuse but the truth) he now works for my cleaning company (he cleans houses and I don't) that's his job now, so his ego is bruised a LOT. He's been on interviews only to not get the job which doesn't help an egotistical materialistic person. Where I make money and can run my own business. I have this plus I have an office job. I have always been self funding! I refuse to rely on a man!

That's one of the things he truly admires about me....I have an idea and I want to do it....I do it!

As I had had time to think while being down after this surgery (thanks for that boost by the way, again my self determination) I have had time to think about all of this. I am a very soft spoken kind hearted person. I give my all to everyone and everything that I do. I always have....but I think I might need to make that change.

I agree with you that is just a word...one those in recovery seem to like. I don't like discord, i won't fight or argue unless it's definetely warranted! I'm not wasting my breath and time on nonsense. But my heart feels and I can not control this....I wish I could I'd just walk away.....he has a lot of good qualities too not all evil and bad.....he never had kids so he's got that selfish streak...his mother babied him so that doesn't help either and every female out there that has oo'd and ahh'd over him well...fed his ego. I'm not going to lie he's EXTREAMLY good looking....but that's not what attracted me in the first place, it was his musical talent and his brain that drew me in. Then I looked at his outside and thought holy crap the jackpot! His marriage only lasted under two years and I see why.....

His real friends say I'm good for him and that he truly loves me he's just difficult...I tell them no ****! He has cut WAY down.....he was a big bottle of vodka a day guy to one big bottle for the weekend and they all see that progress.....I don't understand addiction because I don't have it....but I am learning.

I try to be supportive without being....enabling...which that in it's self is a fine line.....

Thank you for your time I'm gonna be posting on here more and more so that I can figue this out with help!

patience15

Thank you....I am starting to see a lot now. As i read each of y'all responses I am learning......I've lost myself in this whole mess and I have to find her again.....it sucks when you REALLY love someone and there is an addiction there.....

thousandwords53

I'm going to also agree to not marry this man...marrying him will not make those issues go away...you will be married to them. Not fun. At all. (I am saying this from a place trying to end/repair/confusion on my own marriage)

Congratulations on your weightloss and tummy tuck. I also had one done along with the weightloss... Go shopping for some new garments and enjoy the heck out of your new lease on life. That's big thing!!

You are better than what you described above.

Ariesagain

So you gave him a job, gave him his testosterone shots, are willing to deal with his only-child narcissism, and are postponing things like your haircuts because money is tight...but he spends what he wants.

As one woman of an age to another, arm candy isn't all that, particularly if you're not even getting a little loving now and again.

patience15

His friends have said he's always taken care of himself in that way.. we've gotten mani's and pedi's together. I knew that coming in...at first i was like are you gay? he said hell no! I just take care of myself. I got that and thought humm nice change....he's greek so he's hairy and he shaves everything from his bald head to his toes....which i ahve asked him to leave everything but his head alone I prefer a man's look to a 14 year old boy. He's done that...even though he hates it ...he says it's gross. But so far he's kept it for me. :-)

I am definately putting the wedding on hold I can not live this way confused and questioning myself. While I have a "friend" who i dated before him who wants me to move to California with him and be with him....the thought is there. We stoped dating because he moved there and took a great job with Facebook. We have always been in contact as friends he knows where my heart is and I have been completely honest about this with him. He tell me this man is nuts that he doesn't want sex with me or to go and do things with me but he'd rather sit and play on the computer with his "friends". So he too has been giving much to think about....I'm just very lost and confused and hurt, I sit here in tears and type my respones because I know this isn't healthy and I know i deserve more. The more I want is with HIM....not anyone else this is why I stayed single 8.5 years! Now my heart is involved...as I roll my eyes. I'll keep coming back in here I need the support and guidance I'm so lost and so hurt....I can't talk to girlfriends because they don't understand addiction and what we go through they seem to have all the simple easy answers of "just leave" and they don't get it at all!

LexieCat

OK, well, what I'd suggest is that you devote a LOT of time to learning about alcoholism. It sounds as if the two of you have "clicked" on some level, but it is a whole different thing from having a healthy relationship. And the fact that he may, at the moment, be drinking less, does not mean AT ALL that you are "good" for him. It may be that he is making an attempt to rein it in, for the sake of keeping you around, but that doesn't work. If he is an alcoholic (and it sure sounds to me like he is--and in addition to my having been married to two alcoholics, I'm sober 8 years, myself and I've been around AA and Al-Anon for 37 years [since my first husband got sober]), then "cutting back" does not equal recovery. The "cutting back" is not sustainable for an alcoholic.

I'd suggest reading the stickies up top, and to learn more about alcoholism, read "Under the Influence" as well as "Alcoholics Anonymous" (the AA "Big Book" which you can read online here). It is also worthwhile to go to some open AA meetings, yourself, so you can find out what it is you're dealing with. Open meetings are ones anyone can go to--family, friends, students, whoever.

I'm glad you don't have to consider having children together. You should be aware, though, that being in a marriage to an alcoholic can impact your credit, your legal interests (e.g., he drives drunk in a care registered in your name, you are on the hook legally), your friendships (my second husband used to drunkenly insult my friends even when he didn't mean to--"You're too pretty to be wearing all that makeup, it looks awful on you.") And, in my experience, there is nothing lonelier than sharing a home with an alcoholic, who will never "be there" for you. You mentioned his lack of empathy about your surgery. And that was for a cosmetic procedure. Suppose you were on chemo? Had cancer surgery? I wouldn't count on him to step up when your life is at stake.

patience15

Thank you! That's why I am reaching out for help and guidance because I'm so lost and I feel like I'm the only one going through this....until now!

patience15

He is only spending his $12 on eye brows just as an example. The money got tight when I had my surgery....because I am off with no pay except the cleaning business which pays all the bills but no play money per say....

But that was my point to him.....

No I am NOT willing to put up with this that's why I am on here....

Eye candy yes he is...but he's not all that and a bag od chips if you know what I mean....I am the kind of person who goes for brains...if looks happen then great if not give me that conversation and laughter that lasts looks and change and fade but a heart is pure.

patience15

I'm seeing things more now!

patience15

I'm not going to allow myself to become his...doll! That's why i'm on here asking for help....I don't want a life like this. I want him to want to change and get help. I have given myslef 6 months. If after that he's still like this I HAVE TO WALK AWAY