Desperately need someone to actually listen and speak to me .... Low Point
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Desperately need someone to actually listen and speak to me .... Low Point
Thank God for this site! I literally have no friends left to even talk to!
Let's begin. A bit long winded, but 4 years in one post.
I've been a daily smoker for about 4 years now. I was living with a cheating, lying boyfriend who also sold weed. Bad mix! He rarely smoked, but I fully indulged in the endless free supply. This is where my smoking began! I was numbing everything I thought he was doing to me, but I realize now that I had done it to myself.
He eventually left me for his ex gf and asked me to move out immediately. She ended up moving in without me fully moving out. YIKES!
Fast forward 2 years and I started dating a close friend I had known since high school. I was so blinded by the weed that I completely lost sight of my self worth. He was a complete LOSER! I never in a million years would've dated him, but suddenly coming home to him and rolled blunts seemed to be "the life". In 2 short months, the "high" was no longer fun. He had fully moved in without it being discussed. Oftentimes coming over unannounced as if he lived with me. He paid NOTHING, ran up my utilities, and ate 3x more than I was used to. To make it worse, he had a 3 year old son that he would bring with him sometimes , also unannounced.... and I was just expected to accept all of this.
Here I am a successful gal in her 30s with no children, grad student, and I'm being used by a bum! I allowed all of this to happen simply because he filled the void, and he was also my smoking partner.
I then started getting highly disgusted with the way my life had turned. He was like a parasite. Sucking my resources and life DRY! I allowed and even encouraged every second of it by not saying NO. I knew I was at a low point when he knew my debit card pin and would get money for late night weed pickups.
Once I put my foot down and asked him to give me my space back and consider cutting down on weed, things went LEFT! He called me controlling for trying to help him get his life in order. I saw in him what I started to see in myself... an addict. He had mood swings, I had mood swings, he would say the absolute worse things to me, I would scream and yell at him, he threw my past childhood abuse in my face, and would make references to my past abusers. He blamed ME for his reactions, and I started feeling like things were my fault, and I was being shallow for expecting everyone to be financially stable before 30 like I was.
Things eventually ended when I finally reached my breaking point and called him a bum. He disrespected me several times, yelling and screaming obscenities in the hallway of my building and I told him he wasn't allowed in my house anymore. He called me the worst names after that and exited my life and never returned.
Over the years of my smoking, I have lost nearly every friend, both smokers, and nonsmokers. My emotions were all over the place. I yelled at people and became so angry inside. There were times I would just rant and rant about things because they bothered me so deeply and I felt so alone. Eventually it was me and my bud(dy). The suddenly, it no longer killed the pain. I was super lonely and depressed.
So here I am ... Day 1 of a sober new EMPTY life. I'm hurt and confused about it all. I'm finally FEELING everything I've gone through in 30 years. I never thought this would be my life.
Let's begin. A bit long winded, but 4 years in one post.
I've been a daily smoker for about 4 years now. I was living with a cheating, lying boyfriend who also sold weed. Bad mix! He rarely smoked, but I fully indulged in the endless free supply. This is where my smoking began! I was numbing everything I thought he was doing to me, but I realize now that I had done it to myself.
He eventually left me for his ex gf and asked me to move out immediately. She ended up moving in without me fully moving out. YIKES!
Fast forward 2 years and I started dating a close friend I had known since high school. I was so blinded by the weed that I completely lost sight of my self worth. He was a complete LOSER! I never in a million years would've dated him, but suddenly coming home to him and rolled blunts seemed to be "the life". In 2 short months, the "high" was no longer fun. He had fully moved in without it being discussed. Oftentimes coming over unannounced as if he lived with me. He paid NOTHING, ran up my utilities, and ate 3x more than I was used to. To make it worse, he had a 3 year old son that he would bring with him sometimes , also unannounced.... and I was just expected to accept all of this.
Here I am a successful gal in her 30s with no children, grad student, and I'm being used by a bum! I allowed all of this to happen simply because he filled the void, and he was also my smoking partner.
I then started getting highly disgusted with the way my life had turned. He was like a parasite. Sucking my resources and life DRY! I allowed and even encouraged every second of it by not saying NO. I knew I was at a low point when he knew my debit card pin and would get money for late night weed pickups.
Once I put my foot down and asked him to give me my space back and consider cutting down on weed, things went LEFT! He called me controlling for trying to help him get his life in order. I saw in him what I started to see in myself... an addict. He had mood swings, I had mood swings, he would say the absolute worse things to me, I would scream and yell at him, he threw my past childhood abuse in my face, and would make references to my past abusers. He blamed ME for his reactions, and I started feeling like things were my fault, and I was being shallow for expecting everyone to be financially stable before 30 like I was.
Things eventually ended when I finally reached my breaking point and called him a bum. He disrespected me several times, yelling and screaming obscenities in the hallway of my building and I told him he wasn't allowed in my house anymore. He called me the worst names after that and exited my life and never returned.
Over the years of my smoking, I have lost nearly every friend, both smokers, and nonsmokers. My emotions were all over the place. I yelled at people and became so angry inside. There were times I would just rant and rant about things because they bothered me so deeply and I felt so alone. Eventually it was me and my bud(dy). The suddenly, it no longer killed the pain. I was super lonely and depressed.
So here I am ... Day 1 of a sober new EMPTY life. I'm hurt and confused about it all. I'm finally FEELING everything I've gone through in 30 years. I never thought this would be my life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Things will improve from here. This is a really great place of support.
You've definitely made the right decision to put smoking behind you and get rid of toxic parasites.
You'll have the time and presence of mind to develop new and healthier interests and meet new, better quality people.
Take yourself seriously and work hard on your recovery and you'll be shocked at how much better your life will be in a year!
You've definitely made the right decision to put smoking behind you and get rid of toxic parasites.
You'll have the time and presence of mind to develop new and healthier interests and meet new, better quality people.
Take yourself seriously and work hard on your recovery and you'll be shocked at how much better your life will be in a year!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,599
Welcome, and it sounds like you're ready to make the changes you need to make in your life to be sober. Yes, it will be hard feeling everything that you've been hiding from, but you can do it. I'm glad you found us.
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 809
I started posting here a few years ago when I first quit drinking. Almost immediately afterwards, I substituted addictions with pot. At first I saw it as harmless, almost therapeutic. It seemed to keep me in that alternate universe I was still craving without all of the negative side effects that came with drinking. My use in short order became chronic. Every evening, every day. Over time, I became withdrawn, angry, delusional. My self esteem was at a low. I didn't even see it happening. After all, there has been a big push in the U.S. to legalize it. Almost pushed as a cure all. I'm not here to bash weed. It may be fine for some people, but if you smoke it like I was, it can really mess your mind up. I am on my second attempt to quit now. At 3 weeks. Get off the stuff. You will be so thankful you did. And don't think you can go back to the occasional smoke and be fine. I have found out the hard way, you can't. It'll bring you right back in. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome BunRen.
I'm happy you've decided to make this change. You deserve much better treatment then what you've been getting.
One thing that stood out to me was your childhood abuse. Have you talked with a professional about this? Abuse has a way of weaving itself into our lives without us realizing. This may or may not be the cause of your low self esteem and addiction. Numbing ourselves not to feel is very typical behavior. This guy had no heart throwing that in your face. Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but you may want to address this issue at some point.
I'm glad you've reached out. This is a very supportive community. You're not alone anymore.
I'm happy you've decided to make this change. You deserve much better treatment then what you've been getting.
One thing that stood out to me was your childhood abuse. Have you talked with a professional about this? Abuse has a way of weaving itself into our lives without us realizing. This may or may not be the cause of your low self esteem and addiction. Numbing ourselves not to feel is very typical behavior. This guy had no heart throwing that in your face. Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but you may want to address this issue at some point.
I'm glad you've reached out. This is a very supportive community. You're not alone anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,599
Welcoem to the forum BunRen
I don;t think any of us expected to end uup on a recovery site.
In a way I'm glad I did tho...I was leading a very unhappy self destructive life. It feels so good to finally leave all that behind
I'm the happiest I've ever been as anb adult.
No matter how deep the hole you're in, keep climbing up and you'll soon feel the sun again
D
I don;t think any of us expected to end uup on a recovery site.
In a way I'm glad I did tho...I was leading a very unhappy self destructive life. It feels so good to finally leave all that behind
I'm the happiest I've ever been as anb adult.
No matter how deep the hole you're in, keep climbing up and you'll soon feel the sun again
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
You have no idea how my childhood abuse has shattered my insides. I'm so high strung, very nervous all of the time. The abuse was sexual, physical, emotional, and mental. I was taught to live constantly in fear of the worst that can happen, and weed finally calmed me down after 26 years of torture. Once finally moving away from my abuser, my "rescuer" then abandoned me for a man, I was 14 and on my own. That was a knife in the back after enduring such pain and feeling as though I was finally free. I have severe abandonment issues because of this I find myself dating men who NEED me , rather than love or genuinely WANT me. I set myself up to be used every single time. I have finally seen that pattern today after finally waking up and not lighting up.
I have never built a lasting relationship. I don't form healthy bonds with many people. People can't understand my severe insecurity, and that makes it worse. I'm struggling and I'm just trying to find my way. I went from being a high school dropout, to a physical therapist by 27, no children, a relationship with God, and I believe the biggest heart on the planet. When I leave work it's my 4 walls and my weed. I often just cry myself to sleep. My physical beauty and accomplishments mean nothing because of how damaged the abuse has left me. I know God will see me through so I remain faithful and hopeful.
Unfortunately the men I dated were my "therapists" and I confided in them. Worst mistake of my life. My abuse was used against me and even thrown in my face during fights.
I have never built a lasting relationship. I don't form healthy bonds with many people. People can't understand my severe insecurity, and that makes it worse. I'm struggling and I'm just trying to find my way. I went from being a high school dropout, to a physical therapist by 27, no children, a relationship with God, and I believe the biggest heart on the planet. When I leave work it's my 4 walls and my weed. I often just cry myself to sleep. My physical beauty and accomplishments mean nothing because of how damaged the abuse has left me. I know God will see me through so I remain faithful and hopeful.
Unfortunately the men I dated were my "therapists" and I confided in them. Worst mistake of my life. My abuse was used against me and even thrown in my face during fights.
Originally Posted by Opivotal 
Welcome BunRen.
I'm happy you've decided to make this change. You deserve much better treatment then what you've been getting.
One thing that stood out to me was your childhood abuse. Have you talked with a professional about this? Abuse has a way of weaving itself into our lives without us realizing. This may or may not be the cause of your low self esteem and addiction. Numbing ourselves not to feel is very typical behavior. This guy had no heart throwing that in your face. Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but you may want to address this issue at some point.
I'm glad you've reached out. This is a very supportive community. You're not alone anymore.
I'm happy you've decided to make this change. You deserve much better treatment then what you've been getting.
One thing that stood out to me was your childhood abuse. Have you talked with a professional about this? Abuse has a way of weaving itself into our lives without us realizing. This may or may not be the cause of your low self esteem and addiction. Numbing ourselves not to feel is very typical behavior. This guy had no heart throwing that in your face. Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but you may want to address this issue at some point.
I'm glad you've reached out. This is a very supportive community. You're not alone anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Thank You so much for your kind words. It means the most to me at this low point in my life. I'm moving to a new state so it's a perfect time to start fresh and rebuild a circle that's more supportive, kind and loving. I need feel comfortable being myself. I long to feel safe inside.
Originally Posted by Gilmer
Things will improve from here. This is a really great place of support.
You've definitely made the right decision to put smoking behind you and get rid of toxic parasites.
You'll have the time and presence of mind to develop new and healthier interests and meet new, better quality people.
Take yourself seriously and work hard on your recovery and you'll be shocked at how much better your life will be in a year!
You've definitely made the right decision to put smoking behind you and get rid of toxic parasites.
You'll have the time and presence of mind to develop new and healthier interests and meet new, better quality people.
Take yourself seriously and work hard on your recovery and you'll be shocked at how much better your life will be in a year!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Our stories are reversed. I decided to quit smoking to pass a drug test for a new job. I didn't smoke today and then I got dressed to go to the liquor store. I am a person that doesn't drink whatsoever. The smell and taste of alcohol makes me nauseous. I can barely handle a wine cooler. But here I was, ready to head to the liquor store. It then hit me so painfully as I reached for my keys what I was actually doing. I couldn't be sober. I needed something to numb myself. This is how today became Day 1 of my sobriety.
Ironically, I was an occasional user for YEARS. I used to smoke about 3-5 times a year, and never got addicted. I lived a pretty healthy normal life and everything was smooth. My childhood abuse was so suppressed I had forgotten it happened!! (The power of what the brain can do when so severely traumatized) It wasn't until I began dating, and having terrible relationships that my abuse appeared in my dreams until I realized what had happened to me. The emotions were too much to bare and I rediscovered weed. Only this time, I was a shattered, broken, insecure person and weed numbed the pain. It allowed me to have confidence, be social, and I was able to have sex again. It was the cure to my problem, or so I thought. I'm now dealing with my issues sober and single.
I'll be praying for you and rooting you on! Addiction is no fun and I still find myself taking a deep breath when I come to the realization that I too am an addict.
Ironically, I was an occasional user for YEARS. I used to smoke about 3-5 times a year, and never got addicted. I lived a pretty healthy normal life and everything was smooth. My childhood abuse was so suppressed I had forgotten it happened!! (The power of what the brain can do when so severely traumatized) It wasn't until I began dating, and having terrible relationships that my abuse appeared in my dreams until I realized what had happened to me. The emotions were too much to bare and I rediscovered weed. Only this time, I was a shattered, broken, insecure person and weed numbed the pain. It allowed me to have confidence, be social, and I was able to have sex again. It was the cure to my problem, or so I thought. I'm now dealing with my issues sober and single.
I'll be praying for you and rooting you on! Addiction is no fun and I still find myself taking a deep breath when I come to the realization that I too am an addict.
Originally Posted by duane1
I started posting here a few years ago when I first quit drinking. Almost immediately afterwards, I substituted addictions with pot. At first I saw it as harmless, almost therapeutic. It seemed to keep me in that alternate universe I was still craving without all of the negative side effects that came with drinking. My use in short order became chronic. Every evening, every day. Over time, I became withdrawn, angry, delusional. My self esteem was at a low. I didn't even see it happening. After all, there has been a big push in the U.S. to legalize it. Almost pushed as a cure all. I'm not here to bash weed. It may be fine for some people, but if you smoke it like I was, it can really mess your mind up. I am on my second attempt to quit now. At 3 weeks. Get off the stuff. You will be so thankful you did. And don't think you can go back to the occasional smoke and be fine. I have found out the hard way, you can't. It'll bring you right back in. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
My plan is to just stop. I haven't built a high tolerance to it I believe. I use a small one hitter and one pull is all I need. I spend about $40 every 2-3 weeks. I smoke only to numb the pain when I'm alone. I'm pretty productive and busy. Idk if my addiction is unique or not, but I am still able to function pretty well... or so I think.
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Good for you for deciding to make some changes. It can only get better.
Do you have a recovery plan? AA maybe, or Nar-Anon? Better to have support as you move forward.
Do you have a recovery plan? AA maybe, or Nar-Anon? Better to have support as you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Hey BunRen- former smoker here. I'm glad you didn't grab a drink cuz sober is the way to really heal and grow. I quit when I was 30 and have many gifts and blessings from quitting. Stay busy, take some deep breaths when you feel upset or a little "crazy", and try to eat healthy. I ate breakfast everyday when I quit which was new for me (smoothies are always good). Add some tools: exercise, nutrition, counseling, maybe meetings, try some new things if you already do these:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Oregon, West Coast, U.S.
Posts: 393
Hi and welcome. I just wanted to say, I understand not having anyone to talk to. The people on here offer a lot of advice and support, sharig their experiences, and I really don't know where I would be without it. I am back on Day 1 as well from drinking Saturday and Sunday, and I know it's hard. I have an abusive background as well, and it's hard to let go of those bad feelings. But just remember it's in the past. The anxiety is terrible, but it will get better. I can honestly say that my sober days are the best days. Wishing you much success in your sobriety!
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