"Recovery looks like recovery"
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
"Recovery looks like recovery"
A few people here have said (written) this to me. But what does recovery look like? I've been lied to for so very long ... about things big and small... lying became my son's go-to response. Even ridiculous things, he'd just make something up, something I suppose he thought I wanted to hear. I could have called the house from work and asked, "can you please fold the towels that are in the dryer?" And he'd say sure, but when I got home, the towels would still be in the dryer and he'd tell me, "they were still damp so I had to turn it on again" and I'd know there was no way that was true. It was just easy to say "sure" and then do anything but -- and make up a lie about why it didn't get done. Of course, I wish towels in the clothes dryer was the biggest issue... but that's an example of how lying was just what he did automatically.
Now he was supposed to get back into his IOP program, and he told me that he'd called several times and was diligently following up, but you just know when something makes no sense. So today I said to him that I didn't understand how he called, did a phone interview and within 24 hours they'd verified his insurance benefits and got an authorization and he was in patient several months ago... and now to continue with an out patient program (so much cheaper than being in!!) it was taking well over a week for them to verify benefits and get an authorization??? It simply makes no sense. So he called "again" in front of me this morning and did an intake interview and has an appointment scheduled for next week to meet with a counselor and re-join the program.
He TOLD me he was diligently trying to get back into the program, but obviously he wasn't because this morning his excuse was that he was "sick of it" and the meetings are not particularly helpful, so he prefers NA or even AA meetings. OK, but then DON'T TELL me you're trying to get into IOP, tell me the TRUTH that you're preferring the 12 step meetings... it's HIS recovery, he ideally should be able to do it as it works best for him, except for the little fact that his probation officer thinks he's still in IOP and as I've tried to explain to him, "THAT MAN OWNS YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW".
It's frustrating because he was in IOP right through the day before his insurance authorization ran out. Now he's not in because he and they dropped the ball. He got a letter in the mail a couple weeks ago,
slapping his wrist for not continuing to attend, but the letter was dated three days after his insurance auth ran out, so he couldn't (financially) attend -- so his fault for not crawling up their butts and making a total pain of himself until they got the auth, but their fault too because hello they're dealing with someone in early recovery so GET THE AUTH so he can continue to attend!
Aw, I'm just venting. Probably because I'm also so darn frustrated about this vivitrol injection, which is a total HURRY UP AND WAIT situation -- finally FINALLY he was supposed to have the dose yesterday, but the doc's office pushed his appt to Monday because we had snow. I just want to scream!
Back to how I started this, if "recovery looks like recovery" and he LOOKS like he's doing what he's supposed to be doing -- he's bright eyed, keeping regular hours, going to job interviews, going to meetings (he's near his goal of 90 in 90)... he's got almost no money to buy anything and I never see/hear him being dope sick, he says he's been clean and has to stay clean or else when they FINALLY call him in, he won't be able to take the vivitrol...
I guess the "I'm trying so hard to get into IOP" when he really only called ONCE and was sitting around for well over a week waiting on them to make the next move just isn't sitting right with me and re-awakened any of the doubts/wounds that had even begun to mend.
Hey, thanks for reading :-)
Now he was supposed to get back into his IOP program, and he told me that he'd called several times and was diligently following up, but you just know when something makes no sense. So today I said to him that I didn't understand how he called, did a phone interview and within 24 hours they'd verified his insurance benefits and got an authorization and he was in patient several months ago... and now to continue with an out patient program (so much cheaper than being in!!) it was taking well over a week for them to verify benefits and get an authorization??? It simply makes no sense. So he called "again" in front of me this morning and did an intake interview and has an appointment scheduled for next week to meet with a counselor and re-join the program.
He TOLD me he was diligently trying to get back into the program, but obviously he wasn't because this morning his excuse was that he was "sick of it" and the meetings are not particularly helpful, so he prefers NA or even AA meetings. OK, but then DON'T TELL me you're trying to get into IOP, tell me the TRUTH that you're preferring the 12 step meetings... it's HIS recovery, he ideally should be able to do it as it works best for him, except for the little fact that his probation officer thinks he's still in IOP and as I've tried to explain to him, "THAT MAN OWNS YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW".
It's frustrating because he was in IOP right through the day before his insurance authorization ran out. Now he's not in because he and they dropped the ball. He got a letter in the mail a couple weeks ago,
slapping his wrist for not continuing to attend, but the letter was dated three days after his insurance auth ran out, so he couldn't (financially) attend -- so his fault for not crawling up their butts and making a total pain of himself until they got the auth, but their fault too because hello they're dealing with someone in early recovery so GET THE AUTH so he can continue to attend!
Aw, I'm just venting. Probably because I'm also so darn frustrated about this vivitrol injection, which is a total HURRY UP AND WAIT situation -- finally FINALLY he was supposed to have the dose yesterday, but the doc's office pushed his appt to Monday because we had snow. I just want to scream!
Back to how I started this, if "recovery looks like recovery" and he LOOKS like he's doing what he's supposed to be doing -- he's bright eyed, keeping regular hours, going to job interviews, going to meetings (he's near his goal of 90 in 90)... he's got almost no money to buy anything and I never see/hear him being dope sick, he says he's been clean and has to stay clean or else when they FINALLY call him in, he won't be able to take the vivitrol...
I guess the "I'm trying so hard to get into IOP" when he really only called ONCE and was sitting around for well over a week waiting on them to make the next move just isn't sitting right with me and re-awakened any of the doubts/wounds that had even begun to mend.
Hey, thanks for reading :-)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sorry, but that doesn't even resemble recovery.
Recovery looks like someone whose actions back up their words...and they don't lie or make excuses.
Recovery looks like someone who can be responsible for themselves and their own recovery.
Recovery looks like good health, good eating habits, and some kind of support in place such as meetings of any kind or counselling or a church group...support by others who understand the disease of addiction and how to stay sober.
Recovery looks clean, sober and healthy.
Recovery doesn't look like someone who follows instructions to meet demands of anyone else or even pretending to.
I know how much you want him to find recovery, really I do, I wanted the same for my son so much I would have given my life for his.
The thing is, they either embrace recovery or they don't and nothing we say, do, manipulate, beg, cry or scream in frustration will make anyone do that. I know because I tried. I wore my codie detective badge with pride and felt validated each time I caught my son in a lie or found dope in the lining of his jacket. The thing is, I only proved what I already knew and that was just sad that I couldn't believe my own instinct.
We can't love them clean, if we could not one of us would be here.
I hope you take very good care of yourself. It is too easy to lose "us" when we try to save "them".
Hugs
Recovery looks like someone whose actions back up their words...and they don't lie or make excuses.
Recovery looks like someone who can be responsible for themselves and their own recovery.
Recovery looks like good health, good eating habits, and some kind of support in place such as meetings of any kind or counselling or a church group...support by others who understand the disease of addiction and how to stay sober.
Recovery looks clean, sober and healthy.
Recovery doesn't look like someone who follows instructions to meet demands of anyone else or even pretending to.
I know how much you want him to find recovery, really I do, I wanted the same for my son so much I would have given my life for his.
The thing is, they either embrace recovery or they don't and nothing we say, do, manipulate, beg, cry or scream in frustration will make anyone do that. I know because I tried. I wore my codie detective badge with pride and felt validated each time I caught my son in a lie or found dope in the lining of his jacket. The thing is, I only proved what I already knew and that was just sad that I couldn't believe my own instinct.
We can't love them clean, if we could not one of us would be here.
I hope you take very good care of yourself. It is too easy to lose "us" when we try to save "them".
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
100% applies to him: Not making excuses or lying about making effort to get back into IOP).
Whether he likes it or not, he's stuck with the program to keep his probation officer happy... and I think that's someone you have to keep happy and do things just because he says so. Regardless of how redundant he thinks the meetings are, I am certain he's learning skills there to enhance and protect his recovery.
I think these are the positives he's got going on: He enjoys the NA/AA meetings, sometimes he'll talk about the topic of the meeting after he gets home. He's got a good relationship with his sponsor and finally found someone (else) who helped him get over something he was stuck on in working through the steps. He had a good relationship with his counselor at IOP and consulted her and asked for her help to find out about vivitrol. He's finding jobs to interview for, his hygiene is good, he's got a good appetite, he sleeps, he's pleasant to be around, I've not see any signs of drug use. I have gotten to the point where I (finally) have not gone into his room unless invited, and I have not poked through his room since he came home from rehab. (This was huge for me!!)
Whether he likes it or not, he's stuck with the program to keep his probation officer happy... and I think that's someone you have to keep happy and do things just because he says so. Regardless of how redundant he thinks the meetings are, I am certain he's learning skills there to enhance and protect his recovery.
I think these are the positives he's got going on: He enjoys the NA/AA meetings, sometimes he'll talk about the topic of the meeting after he gets home. He's got a good relationship with his sponsor and finally found someone (else) who helped him get over something he was stuck on in working through the steps. He had a good relationship with his counselor at IOP and consulted her and asked for her help to find out about vivitrol. He's finding jobs to interview for, his hygiene is good, he's got a good appetite, he sleeps, he's pleasant to be around, I've not see any signs of drug use. I have gotten to the point where I (finally) have not gone into his room unless invited, and I have not poked through his room since he came home from rehab. (This was huge for me!!)
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i want to say this gently, but do you think perhaps you are TOO involved in HIS stuff? i understand what motivates you to do so, but when we stay enmeshed in another's life, and have strong opinions on what they SHOULD be doing, we are setting ourselves up for lots of angst and anxiety because NO ONE will do things exactly the way WE would, or in the precise manner that WE think they should.
if that worked, my husband wouldn't have a 42 item TO DO list, sigh.
he's in his 20's, he's graduated college. he's going to need to figure out for himself how to navigate life - and probation - and following the rules. and he's going to have to continue to decide if he wants to remain clean off drugs. you can't keep him home and under your watchful eye forever. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO.
what if you hadn't pressed the issue about him calling to get the authorization? what if he doesn't comply with the requirements of HIS probation? what if he does get in trouble?
he would have consequences. and he'd either learn from it.......or not. he's been clean for a while now right? he's not in withdrawals. the vivitrol shot isn't not a cure....it is one tool. he will need to use ALL his tools to stay clean.
his tools.
his recovery.
what are you doing for YOU?
if that worked, my husband wouldn't have a 42 item TO DO list, sigh.
he's in his 20's, he's graduated college. he's going to need to figure out for himself how to navigate life - and probation - and following the rules. and he's going to have to continue to decide if he wants to remain clean off drugs. you can't keep him home and under your watchful eye forever. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO.
what if you hadn't pressed the issue about him calling to get the authorization? what if he doesn't comply with the requirements of HIS probation? what if he does get in trouble?
he would have consequences. and he'd either learn from it.......or not. he's been clean for a while now right? he's not in withdrawals. the vivitrol shot isn't not a cure....it is one tool. he will need to use ALL his tools to stay clean.
his tools.
his recovery.
what are you doing for YOU?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
Hi, the thing is... I have a job that I really like, with coworkers who have become friends. My husband and I have Saturday night dinners (but not tonight because he worked today). I have a therapist. I have a couple of very close friends and a cousin and a SIL who I talk to frequently, have coffee, lunch or dinner with occasionally. I go to meditation class and have massages. I read, walk, cook, watch movies. I enjoy time spent with/phone calls with my other son and DIL. I have a lot also going on, but don't talk about that so much here, because I'm looking for support "here" as the mom of someone in recovery from substance abuse.
Work can be exhausting, and Mon-Thurs nights I'm usually "here" in my living room in the evening watching TV or reading, and when my son comes home from a meeting or IOP or from seeing friends, he's got to walk right past me to get to his room - and if he's in a talkative mood and wants to share his day/talk about his meetings with me, then I'm going to listen!
I agree -- he is clean, he is healthy and now he has to follow through with all the parts of recovery as he pieces them together, his way. But my ensuring he got registered back into his IOP program is not "too involved" -- The program has a family component, and his counselor called me about once/month to keep in touch. If they didn't want family involvement, she would not have done that.
Work can be exhausting, and Mon-Thurs nights I'm usually "here" in my living room in the evening watching TV or reading, and when my son comes home from a meeting or IOP or from seeing friends, he's got to walk right past me to get to his room - and if he's in a talkative mood and wants to share his day/talk about his meetings with me, then I'm going to listen!
I agree -- he is clean, he is healthy and now he has to follow through with all the parts of recovery as he pieces them together, his way. But my ensuring he got registered back into his IOP program is not "too involved" -- The program has a family component, and his counselor called me about once/month to keep in touch. If they didn't want family involvement, she would not have done that.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think there is no person walking the face of this earth who demonstrates more courage, dignity, honesty and integrity on a daily basis then an addict in recovery. The addict who truly wants recovery will move heaven and earth to accomplish that. They will make their recovery a top priority and do every single thing to make it happen.
Getting into IOP wasn't a top priority of his but it was a priority for you! And I would say, yes, that is too involved. When we push the addict in a direction they are not willing to take themselves, we are attempting to control the outcome and usually that outcome is "resentment" towards us from them.
I agree -- he is clean, he is healthy and now he has to follow through with all the parts of recovery as he pieces them together, his way.
He TOLD me he was diligently trying to get back into the program, but obviously he wasn't because this morning his excuse was that he was "sick of it" and the meetings are not particularly helpful, so he prefers NA or even AA meetings. OK, but then DON'T TELL me you're trying to get into IOP,
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
So in one thread someone looked at my scenario and commented it sure looks like son is serious about his recovery, then inside a week, he doesn't look at all like recovery.
I am fully aware that vivitrol which is HIS INDEPENDENT CHOICE is not magic; it's another tool. I get it.
Clean, meetings, job hunting... But less than thrilled with IOP. You bet I'm going to remind him to get himself enrolled.
No need to "correct" me further because despite what you might think none of you has THE answer either, or YOU wouldn't be here either.
I am fully aware that vivitrol which is HIS INDEPENDENT CHOICE is not magic; it's another tool. I get it.
Clean, meetings, job hunting... But less than thrilled with IOP. You bet I'm going to remind him to get himself enrolled.
No need to "correct" me further because despite what you might think none of you has THE answer either, or YOU wouldn't be here either.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm here because of my sister, but I have another close relative is a recovering addict. I rarely post about her. You'll figure out why soon enough.
The difference between my sister and my relative is night and day.
When she travelled overseas, my relative took it upon herself to find AA meetings close to the hotel (It ended up being pretty funny - she said the accents were so thick she couldn't understand half of what people were saying.). When she interacts with doctors, she makes it very clear right off the bat that she's a recovering addict and opioids are off the table. She'll talk about past arguments that occurred in her non-sober phase and she will admit quite readily she was at fault.
Your son sounds like he's getting to recovery, but he's not quite 100% there yet.
There's a fine line between encourage and do. You'll know down deep when you've crossed that line.
The difference between my sister and my relative is night and day.
When she travelled overseas, my relative took it upon herself to find AA meetings close to the hotel (It ended up being pretty funny - she said the accents were so thick she couldn't understand half of what people were saying.). When she interacts with doctors, she makes it very clear right off the bat that she's a recovering addict and opioids are off the table. She'll talk about past arguments that occurred in her non-sober phase and she will admit quite readily she was at fault.
Your son sounds like he's getting to recovery, but he's not quite 100% there yet.
There's a fine line between encourage and do. You'll know down deep when you've crossed that line.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Here is my thoughts on this.
Recovery looks like recovery in that the truth is the truth. No making excuses. Utilizing everything in their tool box to reach for that recovery, every. single. day.
Telling the truth about where you are. Not trying to cover up for bad behaviors. Admitting that in your stupor of using you screwed up your loved ones, and TELLING THEM YOU ARE SORRY for that. Owning that.
Owning that you got yourself into this mess and that it will be hard to get out, but committing to do whatever it takes to get out of the cycle of use.
I guess to me that's recovery.
Recovery looks like recovery in that the truth is the truth. No making excuses. Utilizing everything in their tool box to reach for that recovery, every. single. day.
Telling the truth about where you are. Not trying to cover up for bad behaviors. Admitting that in your stupor of using you screwed up your loved ones, and TELLING THEM YOU ARE SORRY for that. Owning that.
Owning that you got yourself into this mess and that it will be hard to get out, but committing to do whatever it takes to get out of the cycle of use.
I guess to me that's recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
No need to "correct" me further because despite what you might think none of you has THE answer either, or YOU wouldn't be here either.
wow - you DID ask this question, right?
But what does recovery look like?
you sought this forum out, we didn't come find you and force anything upon you. you posed a question, and got a variety of responses. sort of how it works..............
wow - you DID ask this question, right?
But what does recovery look like?
you sought this forum out, we didn't come find you and force anything upon you. you posed a question, and got a variety of responses. sort of how it works..............
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I've been here 15 years this month and need to tell you that it's not because it's taken me that long to "get it". It's because I did get it and all the good stuff that comes from my own recovery here and I remain to give back what was so freely given to me.
You don't have to take it, I wish you well no matter what you choose.
Every single member here is trying to help you, sometimes help hurts but you would be wise to take a deep breath and realize that you are among friends here. We don't have to hurt you, you are already hurting enough.
There will come a day, I promise, when you will look back and realize how helpful what is shared here can be.
Good luck, dear, it took me a while to get it too.
You don't have to take it, I wish you well no matter what you choose.
Every single member here is trying to help you, sometimes help hurts but you would be wise to take a deep breath and realize that you are among friends here. We don't have to hurt you, you are already hurting enough.
There will come a day, I promise, when you will look back and realize how helpful what is shared here can be.
Good luck, dear, it took me a while to get it too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear CherryVanilla,
I can feel your pain and frustration thru the thread...I was and still am where you are, Ann is so wise and she has helped me so much...because I AM AN ENABLER and control freak. And what AndvillheadII said, so gently rings so true.
Our job as a parent is to teach our children to be independent so they can fly away....and only come back to visit.
Go read "The Note" my thread over in the parent forum, feel my pain see what recovery looks like on my 22 yr old daughter, recovery looks, acts, talks and feels like recovery, with a plan.
What we say here....take from what you can use and cast the rest away. Every child is different, and I believe every recovery plan is different too.
Please take care of yourself, because we care about you!
TF
I can feel your pain and frustration thru the thread...I was and still am where you are, Ann is so wise and she has helped me so much...because I AM AN ENABLER and control freak. And what AndvillheadII said, so gently rings so true.
Our job as a parent is to teach our children to be independent so they can fly away....and only come back to visit.
Go read "The Note" my thread over in the parent forum, feel my pain see what recovery looks like on my 22 yr old daughter, recovery looks, acts, talks and feels like recovery, with a plan.
What we say here....take from what you can use and cast the rest away. Every child is different, and I believe every recovery plan is different too.
Please take care of yourself, because we care about you!
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
OMG. In my original post I even wrote "I'm just venting."
I was annoyed at my son being passive about getting continued IOP sessions, I was annoyed at the IOP for not doing THEIR job to get additional sessions authorized. I was annoyed that he was telling me "yeah yeah" so that I wouldn't ask more because in his opinion he was handling it, though not in the uber fast in your face crawl up your butt and get it done way that I get things done.
I answered the first several responses very politely but enough is enough is enough. Not all, but some of the answers and phrasing were very condescending and passive aggressive.
On a good note, my son made a further commitment to his continuing recovery by taking a vivitrol injectioin today -- something he has continuously and diligently followed up on with the doc, the specialty pharmacy and his insurance company. He's got zip in his step, is happy and I think is feeling pretty damn proud of himself.
I was annoyed at my son being passive about getting continued IOP sessions, I was annoyed at the IOP for not doing THEIR job to get additional sessions authorized. I was annoyed that he was telling me "yeah yeah" so that I wouldn't ask more because in his opinion he was handling it, though not in the uber fast in your face crawl up your butt and get it done way that I get things done.
I answered the first several responses very politely but enough is enough is enough. Not all, but some of the answers and phrasing were very condescending and passive aggressive.
On a good note, my son made a further commitment to his continuing recovery by taking a vivitrol injectioin today -- something he has continuously and diligently followed up on with the doc, the specialty pharmacy and his insurance company. He's got zip in his step, is happy and I think is feeling pretty damn proud of himself.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Cherry, I think it's super easy in a forum to take things the wrong way.
I don't think anyone here wishes you anything but hope and happiness. As I said in the other thread, I am hoping for your son that having this tool in his tool box, combined with the other things he is doing, will be what gets his life in line.
I think I'm a lot like you Cherry. I control things, and when I have a time line, I like for everyone to stick to it LOL.
I know you were just venting. No one wants to see you hurt is all.
Hugs to you and your son. I hope you both have a great day and that the one moments at a time are great ones today!
I don't think anyone here wishes you anything but hope and happiness. As I said in the other thread, I am hoping for your son that having this tool in his tool box, combined with the other things he is doing, will be what gets his life in line.
I think I'm a lot like you Cherry. I control things, and when I have a time line, I like for everyone to stick to it LOL.
I know you were just venting. No one wants to see you hurt is all.
Hugs to you and your son. I hope you both have a great day and that the one moments at a time are great ones today!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
CV...I think sometimes we can get caught up in the wording. Recovery, to many, is not at all the same as being sober.
My son has been clean for some time, however, he did not embrace the principles of "recovery". That's his business, not mine. He is now a hard working tax paying, responsible father and I can live with that.
My son has been clean for some time, however, he did not embrace the principles of "recovery". That's his business, not mine. He is now a hard working tax paying, responsible father and I can live with that.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
In my husbands experience and other people who are in the rooms... IOP is not a great place to "get help". If he wants to go to NA or AA then help him gain access to getting there. Just my 2 cents.
I get that he needs to do it for probation... but maybe he can talk to his probation officer about getting a paper signed that he attended AA or NA 3 times a week instead. Just an idea.
I get that he needs to do it for probation... but maybe he can talk to his probation officer about getting a paper signed that he attended AA or NA 3 times a week instead. Just an idea.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
Hi, KIR. Thanks for taking the time to make that suggestion. He has just completed 90 meetings in 90 days since coming home from rehab. YAY! He's attended NA meetings every day, even on his IOP days. The plus with attending IOP is that while he's in the program, he does not have to report to probation.
The best news is that he's been back at IOP for a little over a week and has approx a month of approved (insurance) visits.
The best news is that he's been back at IOP for a little over a week and has approx a month of approved (insurance) visits.
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