Can sponsor be family/ friend?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
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Can sponsor be family/ friend?
Hi everyone! I am new to sobriety and new here (I hope this thread is in the right place.) I finally broke down a few weeks ago and admitted I had a drinking problem. I have been going to AA, and people have been encouraging me to get a sponsor. I am really new to this so I'm not really sure how it works. My sister in law has been sober a few years and I really admire her recovery. I feel like we have really bonded, and she is my biggest encouragement so far in my sobriety. But I wonder if it would be inappropriate for her to sponsor me? I wouldn't want either of us to be uncomfortable, but I haven't really met too many people. At least not to the point where I'd feel okay asking them. I have social anxiety too so I'm really trying not to let that hold me back. Any advice or opinions would be much appreciated. How did you pick a sponsor and how did you ask them? Thank you so much!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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It would have caused issues for me, because lots of the harms and resentments on my inventories were about family, so it would have put her in a difficult situation.
Also, there were times when I griped and complained about my partner and my sponsor (rightly) gave me short shrift, and told me to focus on my own inventory if I wanted to get well. Times when he behaved like an arse and I ranted and raged, and my sponsor quietly said the serenity prayer to me and reminded me of the importance of acceptance. Times when his drinking infuriated me and I blurted out all the stuff that HE should do to turn HIS drinking round, and she told me to keep taking my own advise. Now, I could take that from her in every instance as she did not know my partner and there is no way that she isn't neutral. But if she was linked to my partner as in a family tie? Im not sure I'd have taken that valuable advise from her then.
Whether any of that is likely to be an issue for you, only you and she have an inkling of.
Thing is, your SIL is always likely to be in your support network anyway, so by asking her to do it you aren't necessarily building up that network. Do you think that there is a possibility that this idea is more about avoiding that horrible prospect of asking someone else to help you? Of having to make a decision about who to ask?
Have you asked her what she thinks of the idea of sponsoring you? I have made a policy (after a horrid experience) to not sponsor very close friends, and I think I'd say the same if it were ever a family member as well, unless there really were no one else to do it who would be a good sponsor. The blurring of boundaries is inevitable and can easily cause problems. Again, that's just me, and it's something I learned through experience.
Also, there were times when I griped and complained about my partner and my sponsor (rightly) gave me short shrift, and told me to focus on my own inventory if I wanted to get well. Times when he behaved like an arse and I ranted and raged, and my sponsor quietly said the serenity prayer to me and reminded me of the importance of acceptance. Times when his drinking infuriated me and I blurted out all the stuff that HE should do to turn HIS drinking round, and she told me to keep taking my own advise. Now, I could take that from her in every instance as she did not know my partner and there is no way that she isn't neutral. But if she was linked to my partner as in a family tie? Im not sure I'd have taken that valuable advise from her then.
Whether any of that is likely to be an issue for you, only you and she have an inkling of.
Thing is, your SIL is always likely to be in your support network anyway, so by asking her to do it you aren't necessarily building up that network. Do you think that there is a possibility that this idea is more about avoiding that horrible prospect of asking someone else to help you? Of having to make a decision about who to ask?
Have you asked her what she thinks of the idea of sponsoring you? I have made a policy (after a horrid experience) to not sponsor very close friends, and I think I'd say the same if it were ever a family member as well, unless there really were no one else to do it who would be a good sponsor. The blurring of boundaries is inevitable and can easily cause problems. Again, that's just me, and it's something I learned through experience.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
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Family is not usually too good at sponsoring family. I think the confidentiality could be quite a burden for a relative. On the otherhand, you are very taken with your sister in law's recovery which indicates she moves in AA circles which may have just what you are looking for. She is in a great position to help you find a suitable sponsor. This is a real blessing.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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I started out with a sponsor who is a long time friend. Due to a difference of opinion that had nothing to do with sobriety we parted ways. Now that I'm in the thick of step 4 I'm grateful it worked out that way and grateful for my new sponsor.
This is my own stuff I'm about to offer here but it's food for thought. I would never ask one of my sister in laws to sponsor me. Their brother will be always be their brother. Feeds right into what Berrybean said about harms and resentments putting her in a difficult situation. You as well because there has to be rigorous honesty.
How about asking her to help you to find a sponsor?
This is my own stuff I'm about to offer here but it's food for thought. I would never ask one of my sister in laws to sponsor me. Their brother will be always be their brother. Feeds right into what Berrybean said about harms and resentments putting her in a difficult situation. You as well because there has to be rigorous honesty.
How about asking her to help you to find a sponsor?
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Originally Posted by Lisas79 
My mother is my sponsor, I'm almost 9 months sober. She is 5 years sober, we read together and pray a lot. Hope things will work out for you, best of luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I haven't heard of it being "verboten" but my immediate response to your question was a resounding no.
There are a lot of reasons I'd never want the official sponsor role to be a family member or friend - that said, my sponsor has indeed become a friend. However, our relationship is primarily sponsor-sponsee. It is a leader-be-led dynamic. I echo the concern about sharing freely and/or sharing certain things with someone in your immediate/family circle. I wouldn't be comfortable having a rigorously honest dynamic with someone I'd see at family functions and have put complete trust in....it's a separate thing for me.
I keep my (ever growing) circle of folks who have what I want in sobriety as a wonderful group of resourceful help, and my sponsor is a special one in that group.
There are a lot of reasons I'd never want the official sponsor role to be a family member or friend - that said, my sponsor has indeed become a friend. However, our relationship is primarily sponsor-sponsee. It is a leader-be-led dynamic. I echo the concern about sharing freely and/or sharing certain things with someone in your immediate/family circle. I wouldn't be comfortable having a rigorously honest dynamic with someone I'd see at family functions and have put complete trust in....it's a separate thing for me.
I keep my (ever growing) circle of folks who have what I want in sobriety as a wonderful group of resourceful help, and my sponsor is a special one in that group.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
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Absolutely not! Like mentioned above, she can be a great source of help and encouragement but not a sponsor. I agree with asking her to help you find a sponsor though.
Also, I'm not sure what sex you are but it is pretty universally agreed that your sponsor needs to be the same sex as you. Men sponsor men and women sponsor women. Again, not doing this can lead to a host of issues that you don't want to worry about.
Good job getting involved in AA and going to the effort to take action to fix your life!!!
Also, I'm not sure what sex you are but it is pretty universally agreed that your sponsor needs to be the same sex as you. Men sponsor men and women sponsor women. Again, not doing this can lead to a host of issues that you don't want to worry about.
Good job getting involved in AA and going to the effort to take action to fix your life!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. I appreciate it! I think I will keep her as the friend and encouragement that she is... but not ask her to officially sponsor me. I think I would like someone who doesn't really know me (yet.) Thanks all!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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icoi, I also meant to add, if you're not familiar with the steps at all you will be doing an inventory in step 4. Part of the reason for this inventory is to help you to release resentments and things that you've been harboring within. This can get excruciatingly personal. It's important to be rigorously honest when doing this work. In order to not hinder that honesty it's best to have a sponsor who isn't personally close to you (family members etc) because this could make it harder for you to be honest.
I wish you the best.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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At first I was going to say "absolutely not".
But then I reread your post and wondered about it being a sister in law, vs a sister. So it's not really "family" but "family by marriage". This isn't someone who knew you your entire life.
If I were you, I'd ask myself honestly: Do I have any resentments I'm still harboring about my brother, parents, or other families that I'd be embarrassed for my sister in law to know, or could I live with this?
I'd also ask myself: Do I trust that my sister in law would keep everything I'd share with her in my 4th/5th step confidential?
Would anything we might talk about cause family friction?
If not, then I'd do it, because it sounds like she would be an amazing sponsor for you. :-)
But then I reread your post and wondered about it being a sister in law, vs a sister. So it's not really "family" but "family by marriage". This isn't someone who knew you your entire life.
If I were you, I'd ask myself honestly: Do I have any resentments I'm still harboring about my brother, parents, or other families that I'd be embarrassed for my sister in law to know, or could I live with this?
I'd also ask myself: Do I trust that my sister in law would keep everything I'd share with her in my 4th/5th step confidential?
Would anything we might talk about cause family friction?
If not, then I'd do it, because it sounds like she would be an amazing sponsor for you. :-)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
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AAWS has a great pamphlet on sponsorship. You can read it online here:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
I would say "no" about a family member, even an in-law, but "yes" to a friend you have absolutely no resentment towards.
A few things....
The friend would have to have very solid recovery (not just abstinence), and excellent boundaries.
The reason I would suggest against the sister-in-law is that it's a family member. I wouldn't want to see your sobriety compromised in any way since your new; either by you or anyone else.
It sounds to me like this is a great opportunity to do what most of us do, and face your discomfort and reach out to someone else in the rooms. We all have anxieties about this, but you will grow!
A few things....
The friend would have to have very solid recovery (not just abstinence), and excellent boundaries.
The reason I would suggest against the sister-in-law is that it's a family member. I wouldn't want to see your sobriety compromised in any way since your new; either by you or anyone else.
It sounds to me like this is a great opportunity to do what most of us do, and face your discomfort and reach out to someone else in the rooms. We all have anxieties about this, but you will grow!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
IMO, do what ever you have to do to get in the program and start working the steps, short term, it's a great idea as you grow and get some time under your belt you might seek someone else to work with you.. you do the work not your sponsor.. wishing you the best!!
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