Time to post...
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Time to post...
Where to begin?
I'm new here and new to sobriety. I have been waiting until today to post as today is day 43, the longest period without a drink for me for 20 years.
Like many others I'm sure, it has been surprisingly difficult for me to start posting in these threads, but I have been relying on this forum heavily for the last 6 weeks. Thank you all.
My drinking career began when I was sixteen and was out of control before I even left school. In retrospect, I was already drinking alcoholically from age seventeen or eighteen, with the intention of blocking things out and avoiding reality. I had already spent a night in the police cells for being drunk and incapable, and a night in hospital with alcohol poisoning before I left school. [Partly I blame this on attitudes in the UK where all of this was "normal" rites of passage stuff but I felt it was different for me even then.]
I attended university at an infamous party city in the northeast of England (not a coincidence) and was already playing the "moderation game." Tracking units; cutting back so I could binge heavily later etc.(Somehow) I went along happily enough for 4 or 5 years, an alcoholic under the heavy camouflage of the university drinking culture.
But hit a wall when I went on the take a doctorate. I was lucky enough to be given a completely free ride to study something esoteric and self-indulgent for 3-4 years. I don't want to be too ungrateful but it was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me under the circumstances. It allowed me the time and money to drink as much as I wanted (which was all day every day, of course).
Anyway, one day I had a panic attack and it was as if something broke permanently in my brain. I'm not sure I'd ever really been an "anxious" person before, but suddenly, and unexpectedly, I was almost completely agoraphobic. This led to more drinking and eventually self injury and hospitalization with the DTs. Absolutely terrifying. Harrowing, in fact. This was all around 2005. I was able to ride this out, but it was a long process involving SSRIs (I have to credit my GP with saving my life) and addictions counselling. It was a tough, tough time but the anxiety eventually subsided. Stupidly, I carried on drinking as obviously "drinking wasn't the problem after all"/ "I just had anxiety and depression issues that have cleared up now" etc.
I really wasn't serious about quitting and was "graduated" from my alcohol counselling as someone without an honest intention to actually quit. I freely admit I was playing a game of being an "alcoholic," and was even enjoying being a difficult client. I thought I knew better and was convinced I could just quit later. Childish, really, and not something I am proud of now. (Particularly as there were no doubt others in need of support from the under-funded organization that was providing the counselor.)
I was was able to finish my doctorate (after several threats from the university to kick me out) and was lucky enough to get myself in good enough shape to risk falling in love and getting married and moving to Canada.
Motivated by my new life and new jobs etc., I was able to "moderate" (i.e. still drink compulsively and dangerously but with little periods of abstinence). Now in my 30s, I was certainly consuming less alcohol. However, I was still on a downward slope as this was taking more and more effort and I was still drinking regularly and as much as I "could" given the circumstances. (For example, before the kids were born my wife would go away for work 3-4 times a year for perhaps a week at a time; I would call in sick and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink, almost as if I was trying to catch up on all the beer I had had to "miss out on" by being married.)
Eventually we had two kids, and that frankly made it impossible to binge irresponsibly all the time. It was a constant battle, though.
Anyway, fast forward a few years and we moved the the US. Things were starting to slip again during 2016. The obsession seemed to be getting stronger again. I'm sure you all know the things that addicts do: lots of secret drinking; hiding bottles; making sure that any cash money that comes into your possession is tucked away as secret beer money; a few in the morning why the wife enjoys a lie-in; drinking a quick beer or two before the wife gets home and then pretending the open one is the first one; and so on. Pathetic, right?
I finally went to my family doctor to speak about my latest grinding battle with (really pretty mild but irritating and debilitating) depression and almost inadvertently started telling him about my drinking. After a disastrous attempt to start a regimen of Zoloft (another frankly harrowing story best kept for another day), I decided maybe it would be better to attack the drinking as the likely source of depression. That was six weeks ago.
I don't really know why I choose now to finally quit; I am between jobs and wanted to use the time I have to fix the depression to be a better, more easy and "natural" father to my son and daughter. Somehow it has finally clicked for real that alcohol is the root of my problems and that I will never be able to drink "normally."
Things have not been easy emotionally (and my marriage still needs a lot of repair work) but I'm happy to be facing things sober. I'm a little upset as I thought quitting would magically fix everything and I'd feel 100% "fixed" by now. Stupid, right? I guess it takes a bit longer than six weeks to adjust after twenty years of hard drinking.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
I'm new here and new to sobriety. I have been waiting until today to post as today is day 43, the longest period without a drink for me for 20 years.
Like many others I'm sure, it has been surprisingly difficult for me to start posting in these threads, but I have been relying on this forum heavily for the last 6 weeks. Thank you all.
My drinking career began when I was sixteen and was out of control before I even left school. In retrospect, I was already drinking alcoholically from age seventeen or eighteen, with the intention of blocking things out and avoiding reality. I had already spent a night in the police cells for being drunk and incapable, and a night in hospital with alcohol poisoning before I left school. [Partly I blame this on attitudes in the UK where all of this was "normal" rites of passage stuff but I felt it was different for me even then.]
I attended university at an infamous party city in the northeast of England (not a coincidence) and was already playing the "moderation game." Tracking units; cutting back so I could binge heavily later etc.(Somehow) I went along happily enough for 4 or 5 years, an alcoholic under the heavy camouflage of the university drinking culture.
But hit a wall when I went on the take a doctorate. I was lucky enough to be given a completely free ride to study something esoteric and self-indulgent for 3-4 years. I don't want to be too ungrateful but it was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me under the circumstances. It allowed me the time and money to drink as much as I wanted (which was all day every day, of course).
Anyway, one day I had a panic attack and it was as if something broke permanently in my brain. I'm not sure I'd ever really been an "anxious" person before, but suddenly, and unexpectedly, I was almost completely agoraphobic. This led to more drinking and eventually self injury and hospitalization with the DTs. Absolutely terrifying. Harrowing, in fact. This was all around 2005. I was able to ride this out, but it was a long process involving SSRIs (I have to credit my GP with saving my life) and addictions counselling. It was a tough, tough time but the anxiety eventually subsided. Stupidly, I carried on drinking as obviously "drinking wasn't the problem after all"/ "I just had anxiety and depression issues that have cleared up now" etc.
I really wasn't serious about quitting and was "graduated" from my alcohol counselling as someone without an honest intention to actually quit. I freely admit I was playing a game of being an "alcoholic," and was even enjoying being a difficult client. I thought I knew better and was convinced I could just quit later. Childish, really, and not something I am proud of now. (Particularly as there were no doubt others in need of support from the under-funded organization that was providing the counselor.)
I was was able to finish my doctorate (after several threats from the university to kick me out) and was lucky enough to get myself in good enough shape to risk falling in love and getting married and moving to Canada.
Motivated by my new life and new jobs etc., I was able to "moderate" (i.e. still drink compulsively and dangerously but with little periods of abstinence). Now in my 30s, I was certainly consuming less alcohol. However, I was still on a downward slope as this was taking more and more effort and I was still drinking regularly and as much as I "could" given the circumstances. (For example, before the kids were born my wife would go away for work 3-4 times a year for perhaps a week at a time; I would call in sick and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink, almost as if I was trying to catch up on all the beer I had had to "miss out on" by being married.)
Eventually we had two kids, and that frankly made it impossible to binge irresponsibly all the time. It was a constant battle, though.
Anyway, fast forward a few years and we moved the the US. Things were starting to slip again during 2016. The obsession seemed to be getting stronger again. I'm sure you all know the things that addicts do: lots of secret drinking; hiding bottles; making sure that any cash money that comes into your possession is tucked away as secret beer money; a few in the morning why the wife enjoys a lie-in; drinking a quick beer or two before the wife gets home and then pretending the open one is the first one; and so on. Pathetic, right?
I finally went to my family doctor to speak about my latest grinding battle with (really pretty mild but irritating and debilitating) depression and almost inadvertently started telling him about my drinking. After a disastrous attempt to start a regimen of Zoloft (another frankly harrowing story best kept for another day), I decided maybe it would be better to attack the drinking as the likely source of depression. That was six weeks ago.
I don't really know why I choose now to finally quit; I am between jobs and wanted to use the time I have to fix the depression to be a better, more easy and "natural" father to my son and daughter. Somehow it has finally clicked for real that alcohol is the root of my problems and that I will never be able to drink "normally."
Things have not been easy emotionally (and my marriage still needs a lot of repair work) but I'm happy to be facing things sober. I'm a little upset as I thought quitting would magically fix everything and I'd feel 100% "fixed" by now. Stupid, right? I guess it takes a bit longer than six weeks to adjust after twenty years of hard drinking.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Welcome! I'm glad you posted and congratulations on your 43 days of recovery!
Quitting drinking sure doesn't fix everything, because life happens. But, as you see, it will help you to manage life's ups and downs and to be the person you want to be.
I would encourage you to not give up on medication for your depression. If the depression doesn't lift on its own, I hope you would be open to trying different medication. It took several tries for me to find something that worked well and it has levelled the playing field for me, so I have a fighting chance.
Quitting drinking sure doesn't fix everything, because life happens. But, as you see, it will help you to manage life's ups and downs and to be the person you want to be.
I would encourage you to not give up on medication for your depression. If the depression doesn't lift on its own, I hope you would be open to trying different medication. It took several tries for me to find something that worked well and it has levelled the playing field for me, so I have a fighting chance.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Welcome! And congratulations on 43 days! You're through some of the worst of it...and you never have to go through that again.
Yes, it's annoying how life doesn't magically turn into flower meadows and bunnies when we put the poison down. I'm currently on day 420ish and have discovered that life continues to insist on being....life. I have frequently found this to be most unreasonable of it. But what has changed is it doesn't mess with me nearly as much and I am far more resilient sober.
You're off to a great start!
Yes, it's annoying how life doesn't magically turn into flower meadows and bunnies when we put the poison down. I'm currently on day 420ish and have discovered that life continues to insist on being....life. I have frequently found this to be most unreasonable of it. But what has changed is it doesn't mess with me nearly as much and I am far more resilient sober.
You're off to a great start!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Glad you found SR Mr. It's changed my life. Your right the positive Changes come slowly but they do come. The really cool thing is that at several months sober, each day is better then the last.
Please don't be ashamed of your past. We all have similar pasts and we can't change that. We can stay sober and improve the way we live and treat our families.
Keep going my friend soon all the pain and suffering will be a distant memory. We are here for you. Post often. It really helps
Please don't be ashamed of your past. We all have similar pasts and we can't change that. We can stay sober and improve the way we live and treat our families.
Keep going my friend soon all the pain and suffering will be a distant memory. We are here for you. Post often. It really helps
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Welcome to SR MrMcTell! It's a wonderful place and I'm sure you'll find lots of support here.
Your story touched me and reminded me of my own struggle with alcohol. I'm in my late twenties now and still sometimes catch myself thinking there'll be times when I can drink again and then "over do" it for a bit before I'll stop finally. I know it's my addiction talking and it has its roots in the fact that I didn't hit rock bottom yet. But to be honest I don't want to go down that road again ever.
Thanks for sharing your story.
And it will require lots of time and active work for us to feel "fixed" again. But reading and posting here turned out to be a huge help for me
I hope it will be for you too.
Your story touched me and reminded me of my own struggle with alcohol. I'm in my late twenties now and still sometimes catch myself thinking there'll be times when I can drink again and then "over do" it for a bit before I'll stop finally. I know it's my addiction talking and it has its roots in the fact that I didn't hit rock bottom yet. But to be honest I don't want to go down that road again ever.
Thanks for sharing your story.
And it will require lots of time and active work for us to feel "fixed" again. But reading and posting here turned out to be a huge help for me
I hope it will be for you too.
Wifeofteoyearssober
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
As the wife of recovering alcoholic I want to thank you for the courage to battle against the addiction. Your future self will thank you too! I hope you are going to some AA meetings so that you can have everything that you need to continue your journey, and perhaps your wife can attend some Alanon meetings so that she can get the support she needs.
Things will be different now, but different doesn't have to be bad, it's just different. Usually the alcoholism comes with other things like depression, but the main thing is that when you are clear headed you can finally learn healthy coping skills so you can be free to enjoy life.
Give yourself a year at least to get used to the new you. Go to AA meetings, you'll see you're not alone or the first person to have your life. And you'll receive the guidance you need to make sure that you can live a life without the bottle.
It's an exciting time for you. Just take life one day at a time. Maybe start saying the Serenity Prayer. Seek out support from others like yourself.
Congratulations on your current sobriety!
Things will be different now, but different doesn't have to be bad, it's just different. Usually the alcoholism comes with other things like depression, but the main thing is that when you are clear headed you can finally learn healthy coping skills so you can be free to enjoy life.
Give yourself a year at least to get used to the new you. Go to AA meetings, you'll see you're not alone or the first person to have your life. And you'll receive the guidance you need to make sure that you can live a life without the bottle.
It's an exciting time for you. Just take life one day at a time. Maybe start saying the Serenity Prayer. Seek out support from others like yourself.
Congratulations on your current sobriety!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
Welcome to SR!
Yes, it takes longer than 6 weeks to fix 20 years of drinking. But the good news is, it doesn't take 20 years. If you need to regain the trust of your wife (which I'm guessing is likely) it's going to take some time. And it's going to take some time to recover your health. A change in your diet and exercise habits can help immensely.
But take it one day at time. As long as you stay sober, the results will come.
Yes, it takes longer than 6 weeks to fix 20 years of drinking. But the good news is, it doesn't take 20 years. If you need to regain the trust of your wife (which I'm guessing is likely) it's going to take some time. And it's going to take some time to recover your health. A change in your diet and exercise habits can help immensely.
But take it one day at time. As long as you stay sober, the results will come.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Thanks Anna!
It sure is strange to be speaking about these things on a Sunday night rather than debating with myself how much I could get away with drinking tonight.
I know I need to tread carefully around medical issues on these forums but I'm definitely not against using medications for depression. I do credit Lexapro with saving my life when things were really bad many years ago, but it wasn't without its problems.
I have this nagging feeling I should be able beat the depression at the moment through eating well and exercising but I'n still a bit up and down at the moment and struggling to get started on that part of my recovery.
Thanks again!
It sure is strange to be speaking about these things on a Sunday night rather than debating with myself how much I could get away with drinking tonight.
Originally Posted by Anna 
I would encourage you to not give up on medication for your depression. If the depression doesn't lift on its own, I hope you would be open to trying different medication. It took several tries for me to find something that worked well and it has levelled the playing field for me, so I have a fighting chance.
I have this nagging feeling I should be able beat the depression at the moment through eating well and exercising but I'n still a bit up and down at the moment and struggling to get started on that part of my recovery.
Thanks again!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Yes, it's annoying how life doesn't magically turn into flower meadows and bunnies when we put the poison down. I'm currently on day 420ish and have discovered that life continues to insist on being....life. I have frequently found this to be most unreasonable of it.
Congratulations on 420+ days. I'm very eager to emulate this. Some of the posters on this site have already shown me it is possible, which I just dismissed as ridiculous before.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 30
Welcome MrMCTell and thanks for sharing your story! I have been drinking 20 years as well. We have a lot in common. I would always down about 5 beers before I cracked open my "first one of the night." I had to get on SR tonight because I just caught myself pacing in the garage looking at my empty beer fridge. Keep posting/replying/reading SR because it really helps.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Originally Posted by Mattq2
Please don't be ashamed of your past. We all have similar pasts and we can't change that. We can stay sober and improve the way we live and treat our families.
I have always been fairly introverted and all my drinking was directed at myself. I've never been abusive/ violent/ never drove under the influence etc. (Not that you suggested I did any of these things.)
Over the last ten years I've remained fairly high-functioning and never did anything to actively hurt anyone other than myself.
I won't lie, though. I am saddened that I haven't been a great husband and father, and my marriage does need some work. Naturally, alcohol has always been an issue in my marriage but mostly from the time and energy it stole from our relationship rather than anything else.
I'm hoping that I'll have a surplus of tie and energy now and things will be better all round.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Thanks kevlarsjal ---
I wish I'd quit in my late twenties! At that time I didn't care about anything, really. I was such a know-it-all punk, frankly. I was fully confident that I'd "just quit later" if things started going wrong or if a health problem arose.
It's sad to think how much better off I would likely be if I hadn't recklessly (arrogantly, even) put quitting off.
Congrats on figuring things out quicker than me!
I wish I'd quit in my late twenties! At that time I didn't care about anything, really. I was such a know-it-all punk, frankly. I was fully confident that I'd "just quit later" if things started going wrong or if a health problem arose.
It's sad to think how much better off I would likely be if I hadn't recklessly (arrogantly, even) put quitting off.
Congrats on figuring things out quicker than me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Thank you all for making me feel so welcome.
Twoyearssober --- thanks, yes, I'm actually considering AA. It's something that has been on my mind on and off for years. I've been extremely reluctant for many of the common reasons, but it might be time. Like many people who slip into drinking, I'm not really a "joiner" or a natural people person, so it would be a big step for me. Congratulations on your spouse's sobriety. I'm sure your support has been vital!
Zebra --- Hi! I have new running shoes in the post just in time for spring. I'm determined to implement a real exercise plan and I'm hoping to make time for this (not easy).
Twoyearssober --- thanks, yes, I'm actually considering AA. It's something that has been on my mind on and off for years. I've been extremely reluctant for many of the common reasons, but it might be time. Like many people who slip into drinking, I'm not really a "joiner" or a natural people person, so it would be a big step for me. Congratulations on your spouse's sobriety. I'm sure your support has been vital!
Zebra --- Hi! I have new running shoes in the post just in time for spring. I'm determined to implement a real exercise plan and I'm hoping to make time for this (not easy).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Welcome MrMcTell,
We all wish we had stopped sooner. But, at least we have stopped.
My advice would be to search out any info from trusted websites,like this one, about improving health and well being.
Find a hobby that you might like to pursue so that it helps when cravings or mostly boredom happens. I found this helpful as let's face it, we spent(wasted) a great amount drinking or thinking about it.
So glad you found your way here. In July it will be 4 wonderful/sober years for me. And I thank this site SR for helping .
We all wish we had stopped sooner. But, at least we have stopped.
My advice would be to search out any info from trusted websites,like this one, about improving health and well being.
Find a hobby that you might like to pursue so that it helps when cravings or mostly boredom happens. I found this helpful as let's face it, we spent(wasted) a great amount drinking or thinking about it.
So glad you found your way here. In July it will be 4 wonderful/sober years for me. And I thank this site SR for helping .
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Originally Posted by Albyalbright
Welcome MrMCTell and thanks for sharing your story! I have been drinking 20 years as well. We have a lot in common. I would always down about 5 beers before I cracked open my "first one of the night." I had to get on SR tonight because I just caught myself pacing in the garage looking at my empty beer fridge. Keep posting/replying/reading SR because it really helps.
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Welcome to SR Mr - congrats on 43 days!
Your drinking patterns sounded very similar to mine. I can remember the obsession and planning in regards to WHEN I could drink. Always thinking about when I could get away with it unnoticed. All that energy, and all that shame.
Although facing life sober is tough, it sure beats where we came from. At least IMHO.
Your drinking patterns sounded very similar to mine. I can remember the obsession and planning in regards to WHEN I could drink. Always thinking about when I could get away with it unnoticed. All that energy, and all that shame.
Although facing life sober is tough, it sure beats where we came from. At least IMHO.
Guest
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Thank you Resolute50. And congratulations on closing in on 4 years! It really does help just to hear that it is possible.
I'm repeating myself, but I always assumed that alcohol would be central to my life and posters like you are showing me it doesn't have to be that way at all.
I'm repeating myself, but I always assumed that alcohol would be central to my life and posters like you are showing me it doesn't have to be that way at all.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Posts: 374
Originally Posted by shortstop81
All that energy, and all that shame.
I'm hoping that I can if I can put just a fraction of that energy to good use in future then things will improve in my life a great deal. (I'm still wicked tired and moody all the time but looking forward to getting better).
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 150
Hi and welcome MrMcTell.
Alcohol has always been cental to my life and while it's always been in my head I've never admitted that or that I do have a genuine drinking problem out loud until I joined here yesterday.
Seeing you write twenty years made me realise just how long I have been drinking also, 20+ years!! I think it is wonderful and inspiring how many days you have come so far, for me it is just the beginning. I wish you the best with your journey and thank you for sharing your story.
Alcohol has always been cental to my life and while it's always been in my head I've never admitted that or that I do have a genuine drinking problem out loud until I joined here yesterday.
Seeing you write twenty years made me realise just how long I have been drinking also, 20+ years!! I think it is wonderful and inspiring how many days you have come so far, for me it is just the beginning. I wish you the best with your journey and thank you for sharing your story.
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