Received Breakup Letter From My Fiance in Recovery
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Received Breakup Letter From My Fiance in Recovery
Hello everyone.
My fiance has been in a recovery facility for about a month. Her and I had gotten addicted to opiates a few months ago. We planned on stopping, and had started to ween ourselves off. Her parents and family found out and sent her to the facility. Our relationship, in every aspect other than our mistake with opiates, was perfect and loving. She sent me a letter about 21 days in breaking up with me. She said she could not separate me from her addiction, and that she had discovered she was co-dependent. Also, I know in most recovery programs you are supposed to focus only on yourself and let go of friendships and relationships while you are recovering, so I suspect this as a reason, too.
Before she went in, I had a different attitude toward recovery. I have dabbled in a lot of things in my life, had my fun, put them down and walked away no problem. So, I treated this the same way. The only thing that kept me using opiates were the dreaded withdrawals. My point here is that her last impression of me is that I didn't care about recovery because I never needed it before and didn't need it now.
I don't want to lose her, and I know that she needs to see that I'm working as hard as she is. So, I have began taking this recovery thing more seriously. I want her to see that I'm working on myself, too. I have not used opiates since she had to go into recovery. I took a few days off work and went through the withdrawals. I have been going to meetings, and have decided to move into a sober living house since my roommates still use and no one will believe that I'm clean as long as I stay here.
I know it will take a lot of time, but I'm prepared to wait months, even a year, for the opportunity to start a new life with her. I just have never been through anything like this before and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if she could change her mind when she comes home in a few months. I don't know how much of her letter was her and how much was recovery literature/therapy. I don't know what kind of place she is in or will be in psychologically. All I know is that if there's a way to repair things between us, I need to know what it is. Any advice would help. My ultimate goal is to be a part of her life in the future, and eventually have a romantic relationship with her again.
Thanks
My fiance has been in a recovery facility for about a month. Her and I had gotten addicted to opiates a few months ago. We planned on stopping, and had started to ween ourselves off. Her parents and family found out and sent her to the facility. Our relationship, in every aspect other than our mistake with opiates, was perfect and loving. She sent me a letter about 21 days in breaking up with me. She said she could not separate me from her addiction, and that she had discovered she was co-dependent. Also, I know in most recovery programs you are supposed to focus only on yourself and let go of friendships and relationships while you are recovering, so I suspect this as a reason, too.
Before she went in, I had a different attitude toward recovery. I have dabbled in a lot of things in my life, had my fun, put them down and walked away no problem. So, I treated this the same way. The only thing that kept me using opiates were the dreaded withdrawals. My point here is that her last impression of me is that I didn't care about recovery because I never needed it before and didn't need it now.
I don't want to lose her, and I know that she needs to see that I'm working as hard as she is. So, I have began taking this recovery thing more seriously. I want her to see that I'm working on myself, too. I have not used opiates since she had to go into recovery. I took a few days off work and went through the withdrawals. I have been going to meetings, and have decided to move into a sober living house since my roommates still use and no one will believe that I'm clean as long as I stay here.
I know it will take a lot of time, but I'm prepared to wait months, even a year, for the opportunity to start a new life with her. I just have never been through anything like this before and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if she could change her mind when she comes home in a few months. I don't know how much of her letter was her and how much was recovery literature/therapy. I don't know what kind of place she is in or will be in psychologically. All I know is that if there's a way to repair things between us, I need to know what it is. Any advice would help. My ultimate goal is to be a part of her life in the future, and eventually have a romantic relationship with her again.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 103
Most likely you are a big trigger for her especially if you both were in your active addiction with one another.
I would give her the space she needs and respect her wishes. Let her focus on her recovery as you should focus on yours as well.
I would give her the space she needs and respect her wishes. Let her focus on her recovery as you should focus on yours as well.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Do your recovery for you, it's hard work but worth getting clean and staying clean and will mean not using any substance now or in the future, so you will learn how to live life on life's terms and be healthy and happy again.
She will do the same for herself.
If, when you each have been clean for a significant amount of time like a year, you want to renew your relationship under different recovery boundaries, then this relationship can perhaps continue.
If it doesn't work out that way, at least you will be clean and well on your way in recovery and you will have the tools to handle disappointments without using.
This is a good time for each of you to give the other space (and respect her wishes) and just work on yourselves individually.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
She will do the same for herself.
If, when you each have been clean for a significant amount of time like a year, you want to renew your relationship under different recovery boundaries, then this relationship can perhaps continue.
If it doesn't work out that way, at least you will be clean and well on your way in recovery and you will have the tools to handle disappointments without using.
This is a good time for each of you to give the other space (and respect her wishes) and just work on yourselves individually.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when a couple uses/abuses together, it can be VERY hard to parse out the "using together" from the "being together". one comes to see the other as a portal to drugs. that's the fallout of addiction......everything becomes a trigger. in recovery we talk about changing People, Places and Things formerly associated with using.
at this time, for her, your relationship represents drug use. similar to you deciding to leave your current living situation, in order to preserve and protect your own sobriety.
opiate use can get out of hand real quick. heroin use/overdose is at epidemic proportions and it is a short jump from opiates (pills) to H. regardless of how unsettling her letter is, BOTH of you are seeking recovery from a potential fatal illness. that in and of itself is a miracle and true Godsend.
if you two never do reunite, but you both stay clean for the rest of your lives, you have given each other and yourselves a GREAT gift.
at this time, for her, your relationship represents drug use. similar to you deciding to leave your current living situation, in order to preserve and protect your own sobriety.
opiate use can get out of hand real quick. heroin use/overdose is at epidemic proportions and it is a short jump from opiates (pills) to H. regardless of how unsettling her letter is, BOTH of you are seeking recovery from a potential fatal illness. that in and of itself is a miracle and true Godsend.
if you two never do reunite, but you both stay clean for the rest of your lives, you have given each other and yourselves a GREAT gift.
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