hopelove123

I am back and embarrassed to say not much has changed. Things are actually worse since my last post. I am back with ABF. Finally in a home and I get to work from home and kids are back at home...but I am sitting here crying because I just got paid and ABF is downstairs on the phone chatting away on cell. I am sitting here crying because I know better than this and I am now deeper in the midst of chaos. Things are okay when we have zero money. He is quiet and lays in the bed most of the day watching television. I got paid today and we went to a bar last night (kids were at grandparents) and he has been up drinking since 8am this morning. And I must admit that I have had some drinks too to cope with the lies and disrespect I have endured since he got back from the store this morning. I am sitting in my kids room crying because I know this is bullcrap and I did this to myself. I don't know what to do at this point. I am embarrassed to right this post but really have no one else to turn to honestly. I have alienated all my family and friends. I am a mess. I just wrote this post to vent honestly because I feel so alone. I pray no one ever feels this way.

LexieCat

OK, first off, don't be embarrassed. Every one of us has done similar things at some point.

Number two, drinking doesn't help anybody--least of all, you. I understand drinking to "cope," but in my case it led to my own alcoholism--the last thing you and your kids need. You need a clear head right now, even if sometimes it's painful and you want to escape. You and your kids both need you.

Third, things are NOT "okay" when he lays in bed all day watching TV. That's no relationship and you are supporting his sorry butt.

So. Start thinking of a plan. You can do this. He is contributing zero to your life--and is actually sucking away the energy you need for yourself and the kids. Note I keep mentioning the kids. This is a terrible situation for them, as well as for you.

If you aren't already going to Al-Anon, I suggest you start. And the sooner the better.

Many hugs--stick around and keep posting (and reading!). There is a way out, and staying connected to others while you are figuring it out will be the key to your own sanity.

hope778

I agree with everything Lexie said.

I have, myself, struggled with drinking to cope with what I have dealt with with my husband. It only makes me backslide, and it will do nothing to help you either. I understand the desire to escape from it all in that way, trust me. It is something I have really had to fight off, because I know it would easily be a slippery slope for me. You and I both know it will not help. It will not help you or your children. Or your bf for that matter.

Take one step today in the direction you want your life to go. How do you want your life to look a year from now? Not worse again. Nothing changes in your life if you don't change it.

Stick close to us here. We will help in any way we can.

hopelove123

Thank you for your words LexieCat. I am going to find a meeting and get a clear head. Truth is, I don't even know how to get a plan together at this point...I am going to stop the drinking too. It is really hard when he is drinking any chance he gets. It's almost like I am jealous he gets to be so carefree and I am stuck living alone. You are RIGHT this is NOT OKAY and it is blaring truth. I just feel stuck. Stuck in my job. Stuck in this relationship. Stuck supporting him. It hurts the most because the last thing I want is to hurt my kids. I told my mom to get them from school today because I know the rest of the day likely wont play out well. I am going to pray and try to find a meeting. Honestly, I dont know where to begin to fix the mess I have created. I know its not in a bottle, or in someone-else. It begins with me making changes but I am not sure why I can't seem to get out of this fog I am in. I used to be so strong and would walk away from anybody who hurt me or wasnt worthy. I feel so weak and stupid for having done this to myself and now can't seem to just walk away ?

dandylion

hopelove....you got away from it before and you can do it again.....

You certainly not the first person to go through more than one attempt before they get a destructive person out of their life....

do you know what to do to get him out?.....what are the reasons that you feel so "stuck"?

LexieCat

I have a feeling that once you start taking some positive steps to take care of yourself, things will gradually become much clearer. We feel "stuck" when it all feels overwhelming. Once we get moving, though, solutions tend to appear and suddenly the way becomes clear.

You don't have to figure it all out now. Just do a few positive things for your own recovery each day. Go to a meeting--great idea. When you go, get some phone numbers from other women so you can have that personal connection in between meetings. It isn't a burden--most people are happy to do it because it helps THEM.

Get some recovery books and start reading. There is a list of recommended reading in the "sticky" threads up top.

Start making lists of things you will need to address. Do you have separate accounts? Have you talked to a lawyer about child support? Those are things you can start doing to put things in motion. For now, just get some information.

You can do this. I totally understand feeling stuck, but that will subside as you begin taking some positive actions in the right direction.

hopeful4

Aw sweetie...don't be embarrassed. Good grief, I waivered back and forth for YEARS. I quite SR after a while at first because I just wanted someone to tell me how to fix him, there was nothing wrong with me....LOL. I came back a while later with a different attitude and my eyes much more open.

So...start today. Now. What can you do to make you feel more in charge. First off, stop the drinking yourself. It won't help. Nor will being jealous that he gets off so easily. I thought that about my X for so long, and still do so many times. Here I am meeting myself coming and going taking our kids to the doctor and everything else. Think he helps....NO. I have accepted that. It's up to me. And that's ok.

If you have alienated your friends and family, tell them you are sorry. Be truthful about where you are and humbly ask for their help, even if it's just to listen and be there for you. Go to a meeting for YOU. Get a counselor for YOU. Detatch and get yourself where you need to be so that no matter what happens you can handle it.

Tight hugs. Don't ever be hesitant to be here at SR. We all understand and are here to support you.

NYCDoglvr

I can relate entirely. I stopped talking about the situation entirely because there were too many times I was definitely leaving and then didn't. Alanon was a huge help because I got support from people who had walked my path. Big hug!

maia1234

HL,
Glad you are back!!! We all get it on this forum. If everyone did what they were "suppose" to do, then this forum wouldn't exist. We are all flawed, my friend. Its ok!!

I agree with everyone else. Deep breaths, hit a meeting and think about only today. You just need to get a clear head when the kids come home, because that is always your number one priority.

When you have time keep reading all over this forum. Your ABF is not a "special" snowflake, he is no different then any of the other addicts on this forum. Education is power. You reached out and we are here to build you up so you can make the best decisions that you need to make as a Mom.

Sending Big Bear hugs, we do care!!

hopelove123

I thank you all for your replies. It TRULY helps. You all are right. In my mind, it has been over for a while. I just keep hoping one day he will wake up. I cant stand standing by and watching his destruction, literally killing himself. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I received not 1 hug or kiss. Sometimes I wonder, should I initiate the affection? Then I am like, why the hell should I be the one to initiate acts of love.

I know this is terrible, but I know that he has a warrant for his arrest and I think to report him sometimes? In hopes that may wake him up. Although, I know this is a lie. He is a great man behind bars and its a downward spiral once he is set free. Im over it.

I am going to stop the drinking to cope too. I can feel the depressing and anxious after effects of trying to "numb the pain" I have gained weight from the stress and drinking to get through it all. I want to be there for my kids. I want to be free. I am making a change.

Thanks again for everyone's input. It has made me stronger. Its funny how even the most anonymous connection can make one feel better and stronger to move in the right direction.

AnvilheadII

I know this is terrible, but I know that he has a warrant for his arrest and I think to report him sometimes? In hopes that may wake him up

it's truly best if you do NOT try to manipulate, regulate or direct HIS path - or try to create some "wake up call."

it is by far more important that you take care of YOU. take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your finances. get the F2F support you need, and work to get him out of the picture.

honeypig

Ah, but we are so NOT anonymous here--yes, in the sense of not knowing each other's real names or where we live, but once we begin talking, it becomes pretty clear that we all know each other pretty well, and that we're all living in the same skin to some extent.

For me, it was huge to know that I wasn't alone. It was the first thing that gave me any clue that things could be different and better.

And you are so far from alone, hopelove!

atalose

Anger and embarrassment were two of my biggest motivators to get me to change my thinking, my attitude and eventually my behaviors. All of those things kept me locked inside a self-imposed prison and often I could never see a way out.

But there is a way out, al-anon can help guide you, SR can help bring reality into a picture of fantasy and wishful hope.

As it was mentioned, you left him before and you CAN do it again.

maia1234

You sound like you have a new lease on life!! You can never keep a "Mom" down for very long.

I agree with Anvil about not calling the cops, regarding the warrant. Our addicts get themselves into enough trouble with out our help. You need mind your side of the street, thats hard enough.

Baby steps and you will get to the finish line.

Bekindalways

Welcome back Hopelove. Pretty much all of us have had to do several "takes" of the getting-the-hell-out-of-Dodge scene. No worries.

You did well to come here and post and plan to go to a meeting. Looking into the future may look pretty foggy but just keep taking the "next right step" and the path will clear.

Seren

Hello hopelove, and Welcome back...

Please, no embarrassment, OK? We could all share stories...trust me on that one.

It seems to me everyone begins in a similar place...grief and sadness at the dawning realization that our loved one just isn't going to do anything, so we have to.

Then, assess...what can I do to make this better for myself today. Just one thing. And you reached out!! Yay you!!

Next may come the nuts and bolts, a few reads through a good book like "Codependent No More", or maybe attend an Al-Anon meeting or check in here every day to begin to lift the fog and think clearly about what you may want to do next.

We are open 24/7--you are not alone!

hopelove123

Good Morning all. Today I am feeling better and more clear. I just read over your posts and it has given me a new prospective on this day THANK YOU. I am working on staying strong for my kids and I...and that's just it.

I will continue to post. I am so thankful for this Forum and the lovely souls that pour their hearts, love and support to those in needs. ANGELS are real.

velma929

Google Answers: divorce, related to being married to an alcoholic and me being a wuss!
I stayed with my AH until he died. It didn't help him any,and wasn't any good for me, either. For the last couple years we were together, many of my things were boxed together on one side of a spare room, in case I left. The very day I made the decision to leave, I arrived home to have him tell me he had lung cancer. I didn't leave or tell him, the prognosis being that he had about two years to live at that point, Heck, I had stayed 25 years, what was two more. It turned out that he died about six weeks later.

It's hard being widowed. It's hard getting past the bitterness that comes from beating oneself up for spending the last eight or ten years *just trying to get through the day. * My home wasn't a respite from the world, just a place I had to deal with more garbage. I have to tell you, the older you are when you find yourself free (through leaving or death) the harder it is to change jobs, move, or rebuild your support system and a social life.

Your love for him won't change him. You don't have to stop loving him, either, but you can rebuild your life so it isn't ruled by his drinking.

When I was very young, an older woman who was the admin for our department at college told us she had divorced her first husband, but she still loved him. I thought that was a bunch of hogwash at the time. If you love someone, why not work things out? It turns out love doesn't conquer all. There are storms that can't be weathered.

honeypig

Velma, I would not have understood this either until very, very recently, and I am 56 years old. I truly think it's something that, until it happens to you, just doesn't make any sense.

Thanks for your wise and helpful post and the truths it contains.

PhoenixJ

My support to you. Keep posting