Sinderos

I hate having an issue with alcohol. I wish I could have a "normal" life. Whatever that is. I know I will eventually have more of a normal life, but for now it is a battle of learning how to live sober.

It is absolutely beautiful here today. Tonight I will take my pups to the park for a nice walk along the bay.. I apologized to them for being a bad dog mom. They just looked at me with their sweet little faces.. I want to give them a more meaningful life too. They are spoiled rotten but I haven't done as much with them as I should.

I feel so sad and lonely. I'm going to a meeting tonight, but don't really want to. I know I need to though so I am.

Just feeling blah...

ScottFromWI

We all have good days and bad, even people who don't have alcohol issues - that a "life" thing, not an addiction thing. The only guarantee we have though is that if we drink it will get worse....so keep your head up and remember that. Hope you have a good meeting tonight!

Ariesagain

You're in withdrawal. You're going to feel kinda bad and hopefully that's the worst of it.

If I may gently remind you...you're focusing on feeling deprived. That will bite you sooner or later.

Turn it around...would you be enjoying that beautiful day with a screaming hangover? Or would you be at home with the covers over your head wincing at the sunshine?

Today you are sober and the day is beautiful and your dogs will be happy.

Tomorrow you will not wake up with a pounding heart, terrible anxiety, and feeling sick.

Liberation, not deprivation.

Jojay

Hi Sinderos.You will feel better soon.Recovery is gradual and its normal to feel pretty exhausted.Take care,keep posting

AlaskaGirl

Hi Sinderos,

I don't have any earth shattering words of wisdom for you, but I will say that I don't think any of us are "normal". We (humans) are all unique and everyone struggles with their own stuff. Addiction can feel very lonely sometimes, but we aren't alone. Just look at how many people are on this site, everyday, supporting one another and getting support in return.

I think your puppies are very lucky they have such a loving Mom. I hope you enjoy your walk in the park. Hugs.

kel08

I listened to a debate today with Russell Brand talking about his recovery and something he said just sat with me 'I didn't know how to cope with life without drink and drugs, it was my anaesthetic'. We are right now without our anaesthetic, and like when you have been in hospital sedated, you feel a little woozy, out of sorts and confused for a few days after. I believe that many of us are addicts because we self medicate some sadness/pain/overwhelming emotion within us, then one day we (hopefully) finally wake up and take the anaesthetic away, but the reason we drank to begin with is still there, and that's hard to learn to live with and to feel the enormity of it all so suddenly.

Be gentle with yourself, take in the day, hour by hour or minute by minute. This is a huge chemical change occurring within you as well as physiologically and its going to feel overwhelming some days. walking the dogs today in the sunshine was a 'normal' day, a 'normal' activity, and you achieved it! Have a good evening and I hope you come back from your meeting feeling a little less lonely after being able to offload.

Sinderos

Thank you so much Ariseagain. You are right. I am looking at this the wrong way. I should be thinking of how awesome that it is that I won't be stuck at home because of alcohol. I have the opportunity to get outside in 70 degree sunshine to get some fresh air.

I will work on my attitude regarding sobriety. It will be whatever I make it.

entropy1964

Hey Sinderos

I think you're on day 3? Try to hang in there. And yes, go to AA. Do you have a big book? Read about Step 1. Surrender, acceptance. Wishing to be a normal drinker is only going to lead you right back to the bottle again. And make you miserable along the way....maybe work on gratitude. Think of all the things you DO have, not the thing you don't (booze). I know I have the problems of luxury, the problems of people that don't have problems. Frankly, I'm even lucky to have some of the things I 'perceive' as problems.

Hang in there.

MLD51

It's hard in the very beginning not to focus on deprivation. But you have to try. You'll thank yourself later for re-training your brain in this way. It will truly serve you very well as you go forward to force yourself to have gratitude. Even if you can only think of one thing every day. Write one thing down, and you might be surprised how many other things you can think of as you sit there looking at the paper. There's a daily gratitude thread here somewhere - sorry I can't link it - I think it's under daily support threads. Take a look there, and maybe even start posting something every day. Just make yourself find something to be thankful for every day.

mecanix

For as long as i was wishing for things that wer'nt in my life i felt disatisfied and unforfilled .
Focusing on the glorious things in my life makes me feel content and happy .

m

Scruffanie

Hi Sinderos,

Thank for your very honest post. It reminded me of my earlier early days (I'm on day 55). I too went through a grieving process, feeling like I was missing out some how. I guess we all wonder why we can't drink like 'normal' people. My own truth, though, is that one drink will never be enough - and for me I would be 'missing out' on feeling exhausted all the time, hung over everyday, avoiding life and those I love all because I was a slave to alcohol.

What I have now is freedom and although not everyday is easy, if I don't drink I always go to bed with one wonderful acheivement for that day - I stayed sober! Great advice from Ariesagain and everyone else.

I can also relate re. being a better 'Mum' to my pet parrot who needs more than just having a clean cage and fresh food. I'm able to give that to her now...and it brings me joy, our bond is growing stronger everyday.

You are doing very well Sinderos keep going, one day at a time, it does get better.

I hope you found some peace at your meeting.

xx Scruff

Ultramarathoner

Keep in mind that cultures and societies define "normal" differently.

In the SR 'society', it is normal to choose to take positive steps to change something that may be holding one back from living their ideal life- and fellowship with others who walk beside you in this worthy goal.

That's a pretty good kind of normal!

tomsteve

normal????
some time ago i was wanting to be normal in that i didnt want the thoughts kf drinking in my head.
old fart i said that to said,"ya know where i find normal? on a washing machine. set it on normal, push the button, it fills up. then what happens- it agitates.
wanna be agitated?"

nova84

👍👍👍

nova84

Great response Ariesagain x

Ultramarathoner

One other thought. By surrounding ourselves with others who see the pursuit and achievement of a given goal, normal and expected, we condition ourselves to feel similarly.

I surround myself with stories of people running incredibly long distances. Such achievements have become normal to me (though I've only run a beginners ultra marathon).

We have the awesome opportunity to define our own "normal"

August252015

You doing great, Sinderos.

Time takes time - and in time, I have found a new normal that is better than any I had before. Even pre-alcoholic drinking days. With a program, a sponsor, a support system I treasure, self-care, good drs and meds, all of it .... has gotten me to this better life. I LOVE being a recovered alcoholic because of the peculiar gift of life it has brought me, now.

I wish that for you. Just focus on today. Even smaller increments. Whatever you need to do not to drink.

We're here for you.

ABetterWay1

Hanging on to the mentality of wanting to be "normal" (a term I'm not a fan of anyway) was what kept me from staying sober many times. I convinced myself over and over again that I could drink like everyone else, but I proved myself wrong, every...single...time.

I came to believe that my body is just not biochemically designed to handle ethanol, so what's "normal" for me is to be without it.

The acceptance is liberating.

ABW1

Doug39

I know this feeling because I have it now.

Today I am 102 days sober. Every hour of all of those 102 days have been filled with thoughts of my alcoholism, my anxiety, my depression, and my sobriety.

I wish I could just move on with my life.

I am finally going back to work on Monday after a 3 month leave of absence - so I will be more busy. I also went back to night school 3 weeks ago so I can finish my degree. I am also going to a lot of AA meetings.

The fact that I have been off of work for anxiety and depression made me feel like I wasn't normal.

Ariesagain

There's a useful expression... "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." Many, many people are struggling with depression and anxiety...they just hide it well. Honestly, these days, being anxious is pretty much a mark of intelligence!

There are those who seem to breeze through life without a consequence or clue, but they're the exception. To quote "Bull Durham," "This world was made for those who are not cursed with self-awareness."

Point is...you may be more "normal" than it seems. And for sure, continuing to drink would have made things worse. At nearly 400 days, there are truly crappy days...but two things that help me are first, naming three things that I am grateful for (or on really tough days, three things that don't entirely suck) and second, trying to stay focused on what I can affect today, not tomorrow or next week.

And one of those things is staying sober.

Wishing you brighter days.