association
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
association
Hi all.Well I have been with SR for 7mths,posting and contributing regularly last summer and again now.Like all of us,I hit low points in my recovery,especialy dealing with bouts of depression.After some very supportive replies to one of my recent posts I now can admit to myself the reason for this current bout of the doldrums.I hate living alone and associate my home with feeling trapped ans lonely.I am only happy when I am not in it.I've only lived here for a year,living on my own for the first time on my life after my youngest child became independanr.I live in my home town,see family almost daily,but can't cope with an empty house.apart from my cat.Does anyone else associate their home in this way?
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
My wife died of cancer less than two years ago. Yes I feel like you do about my home. I try to do different things, de-clutter, take trips, focus on work, etc., but it is lonely. You have had a big shift, you focused on raising your family, now that job/purpose is over. Your youngest has left. When my wife died, I lost my purpose as well.
Now you and I need to re-define ourselves and find a new purpose. A lot of folks find volunteering helpful. Right now, I am trying hard to remain sober and taking care of myself. That's my new purpose. Focusing on me. That's why I am writng on this board.
I wish I had more to offer you, I would encourage you to stay close to family or whatever gives you the most sense of calm/strength through this time.
Now you and I need to re-define ourselves and find a new purpose. A lot of folks find volunteering helpful. Right now, I am trying hard to remain sober and taking care of myself. That's my new purpose. Focusing on me. That's why I am writng on this board.
I wish I had more to offer you, I would encourage you to stay close to family or whatever gives you the most sense of calm/strength through this time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
After over 20 years of a household of children, then teens, partners (2 marraiges through those decades), the kid's friends, dinners and music and joy and chores and busy-ness...silence & an empty house after my youngest left.
It was (& still is sometimes, 7 years later) profoundly lonely.
I've had to reshape myself & my life. I had to figure out what I wanted & where I needed to be. I moved to Alaska & had a challenging & awesome adventure of many years there. Last year, I moved to New Orleans & am building my life here.
I've had to get used to silent evenings - silent from when I return from work until I go to sleep, except for the radio. I've had a couple of major relapses, trying to fill those silent & lonely spaces with alcohol & drugs. I've built active & meaningful relationships with my adult children. I've dated a fair bit, & had a number of experiences in which I realized that I was being compelled by a hunger for companionship rather than really wanting or loving that particular person, & let them go.
It is a different stage of life. It requires a lot of us that is new.
My best choices in this period have been - sobriety (because the drink just makes me lonelier), getting a dog (keeps me active & out of the house & gives me lots of cuddles & needs me), & really putting myself out there to make friends beyond the people at work.
I still don't have as active of a friend community as I'd like, am still learning to connect, and am still single. But a shift that has happened is that I have learned to appreciate being home - I read, do yoga, take baths, connect here at SR. I do try to make concrete plans with new friends at least a couple of times a week - to go hear live music or meet in a cafe & play cribbage. This has helped a lot.
It was (& still is sometimes, 7 years later) profoundly lonely.
I've had to reshape myself & my life. I had to figure out what I wanted & where I needed to be. I moved to Alaska & had a challenging & awesome adventure of many years there. Last year, I moved to New Orleans & am building my life here.
I've had to get used to silent evenings - silent from when I return from work until I go to sleep, except for the radio. I've had a couple of major relapses, trying to fill those silent & lonely spaces with alcohol & drugs. I've built active & meaningful relationships with my adult children. I've dated a fair bit, & had a number of experiences in which I realized that I was being compelled by a hunger for companionship rather than really wanting or loving that particular person, & let them go.
It is a different stage of life. It requires a lot of us that is new.
My best choices in this period have been - sobriety (because the drink just makes me lonelier), getting a dog (keeps me active & out of the house & gives me lots of cuddles & needs me), & really putting myself out there to make friends beyond the people at work.
I still don't have as active of a friend community as I'd like, am still learning to connect, and am still single. But a shift that has happened is that I have learned to appreciate being home - I read, do yoga, take baths, connect here at SR. I do try to make concrete plans with new friends at least a couple of times a week - to go hear live music or meet in a cafe & play cribbage. This has helped a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by HTown 
My wife died of cancer less than two years ago. Yes I feel like you do about my home. I try to do different things, de-clutter, take trips, focus on work, etc., but it is lonely. You have had a big shift, you focused on raising your family, now that job/purpose is over. Your youngest has left. When my wife died, I lost my purpose as well.
Now you and I need to re-define ourselves and find a new purpose. A lot of folks find volunteering helpful. Right now, I am trying hard to remain sober and taking care of myself. That's my new purpose. Focusing on me. That's why I am writng on this board.
I wish I had more to offer you, I would encourage you to stay close to family or whatever gives you the most sense of calm/strength through this time.
Now you and I need to re-define ourselves and find a new purpose. A lot of folks find volunteering helpful. Right now, I am trying hard to remain sober and taking care of myself. That's my new purpose. Focusing on me. That's why I am writng on this board.
I wish I had more to offer you, I would encourage you to stay close to family or whatever gives you the most sense of calm/strength through this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by heartcore
After over 20 years of a household of children, then teens, partners (2 marraiges through those decades), the kid's friends, dinners and music and joy and chores and busy-ness...silence & an empty house after my youngest left.
It was (& still is sometimes, 7 years later) profoundly lonely.
I've had to reshape myself & my life. I had to figure out what I wanted & where I needed to be. I moved to Alaska & had a challenging & awesome adventure of many years there. Last year, I moved to New Orleans & am building my life here.
I've had to get used to silent evenings - silent from when I return from work until I go to sleep, except for the radio. I've had a couple of major relapses, trying to fill those silent & lonely spaces with alcohol & drugs. I've built active & meaningful relationships with my adult children. I've dated a fair bit, & had a number of experiences in which I realized that I was being compelled by a hunger for companionship rather than really wanting or loving that particular person, & let them go.
It is a different stage of life. It requires a lot of us that is new.
My best choices in this period have been - sobriety (because the drink just makes me lonelier), getting a dog (keeps me active & out of the house & gives me lots of cuddles & needs me), & really putting myself out there to make friends beyond the people at work.
I still don't have as active of a friend community as I'd like, am still learning to connect, and am still single. But a shift that has happened is that I have learned to appreciate being home - I read, do yoga, take baths, connect here at SR. I do try to make concrete plans with new friends at least a couple of times a week - to go hear live music or meet in a cafe & play cribbage. This has helped a lot.
It was (& still is sometimes, 7 years later) profoundly lonely.
I've had to reshape myself & my life. I had to figure out what I wanted & where I needed to be. I moved to Alaska & had a challenging & awesome adventure of many years there. Last year, I moved to New Orleans & am building my life here.
I've had to get used to silent evenings - silent from when I return from work until I go to sleep, except for the radio. I've had a couple of major relapses, trying to fill those silent & lonely spaces with alcohol & drugs. I've built active & meaningful relationships with my adult children. I've dated a fair bit, & had a number of experiences in which I realized that I was being compelled by a hunger for companionship rather than really wanting or loving that particular person, & let them go.
It is a different stage of life. It requires a lot of us that is new.
My best choices in this period have been - sobriety (because the drink just makes me lonelier), getting a dog (keeps me active & out of the house & gives me lots of cuddles & needs me), & really putting myself out there to make friends beyond the people at work.
I still don't have as active of a friend community as I'd like, am still learning to connect, and am still single. But a shift that has happened is that I have learned to appreciate being home - I read, do yoga, take baths, connect here at SR. I do try to make concrete plans with new friends at least a couple of times a week - to go hear live music or meet in a cafe & play cribbage. This has helped a lot.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Jo,
Between work and sleep there are about 8 hours of time.
Add 1 activity...golf, gym, volunteer work, gardening, painting, day school etc, there is only time left to eat and watch tv.
I understand the loneliness though.
I'm 21 months clean and my outlook has changed significantly in the last 6 months.
As my brain heals, happiness seems to appear where there was sadness before.
For example...coming home from work on 3 day weekends I used to start drinking in my driveway. When I quit drinking, I would feel a sense of loss as I came home...I would begin obsessing.
Now, I come home and can't wait to get into my home clothes, then have some food, wash dishes or whatever.
I understand being alone. It is lonely sometimes. I got married and am raising my 13 year old. But, I waited until I was 37 to do it. So I drank through my loneliness before.
My plan for the future is to travel more. Until I can't because of old age.
I am a bit bored right now....so I posted.
Thanks.
Between work and sleep there are about 8 hours of time.
Add 1 activity...golf, gym, volunteer work, gardening, painting, day school etc, there is only time left to eat and watch tv.
I understand the loneliness though.
I'm 21 months clean and my outlook has changed significantly in the last 6 months.
As my brain heals, happiness seems to appear where there was sadness before.
For example...coming home from work on 3 day weekends I used to start drinking in my driveway. When I quit drinking, I would feel a sense of loss as I came home...I would begin obsessing.
Now, I come home and can't wait to get into my home clothes, then have some food, wash dishes or whatever.
I understand being alone. It is lonely sometimes. I got married and am raising my 13 year old. But, I waited until I was 37 to do it. So I drank through my loneliness before.
My plan for the future is to travel more. Until I can't because of old age.
I am a bit bored right now....so I posted.
Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Jojay,
I felt quite lost when my children left home, too. It's really life-changing and I was not prepared for the loss I felt. Know for sure that things do get better and easier as time goes by. I hope that you can find some ways to make your home feel comfortable to you.
I felt quite lost when my children left home, too. It's really life-changing and I was not prepared for the loss I felt. Know for sure that things do get better and easier as time goes by. I hope that you can find some ways to make your home feel comfortable to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi Jojay,
I felt quite lost when my children left home, too. It's really life-changing and I was not prepared for the loss I felt. Know for sure that things do get better and easier as time goes by. I hope that you can find some ways to make your home feel comfortable to you.
I felt quite lost when my children left home, too. It's really life-changing and I was not prepared for the loss I felt. Know for sure that things do get better and easier as time goes by. I hope that you can find some ways to make your home feel comfortable to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
You can create new memories where you are and then the old ones aren't so much at the forefront of your mind. Or you can get a change of scenery. Or you can stay and change your scenery. Paint! Get rid of old crap!
Last edited by Jojay; 01-22-2017 at 01:20 PM. Reason: spelling error
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by D122y
Jo,
Between work and sleep there are about 8 hours of time.
Add 1 activity...golf, gym, volunteer work, gardening, painting, day school etc, there is only time left to eat and watch tv.
I understand the loneliness though.
I'm 21 months clean and my outlook has changed significantly in the last 6 months.
As my brain heals, happiness seems to appear where there was sadness before.
For example...coming home from work on 3 day weekends I used to start drinking in my driveway. When I quit drinking, I would feel a sense of loss as I came home...I would begin obsessing.
Now, I come home and can't wait to get into my home clothes, then have some food, wash dishes or whatever.
I understand being alone. It is lonely sometimes. I got married and am raising my 13 year old. But, I waited until I was 37 to do it. So I drank through my loneliness before.
My plan for the future is to travel more. Until I can't because of old age.
I am a bit bored right now....so I posted.
Thanks.
Between work and sleep there are about 8 hours of time.
Add 1 activity...golf, gym, volunteer work, gardening, painting, day school etc, there is only time left to eat and watch tv.
I understand the loneliness though.
I'm 21 months clean and my outlook has changed significantly in the last 6 months.
As my brain heals, happiness seems to appear where there was sadness before.
For example...coming home from work on 3 day weekends I used to start drinking in my driveway. When I quit drinking, I would feel a sense of loss as I came home...I would begin obsessing.
Now, I come home and can't wait to get into my home clothes, then have some food, wash dishes or whatever.
I understand being alone. It is lonely sometimes. I got married and am raising my 13 year old. But, I waited until I was 37 to do it. So I drank through my loneliness before.
My plan for the future is to travel more. Until I can't because of old age.
I am a bit bored right now....so I posted.
Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Jojay 
I don't have kids but my home was my prison too.
Have you thought about volunteering in your community? I found it a great way to help others, while also feeling useful and getting out of your house (and head) for a while?
D
I don't have kids but my home was my prison too.
Have you thought about volunteering in your community? I found it a great way to help others, while also feeling useful and getting out of your house (and head) for a while?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Jojay
I don't have kids but my home was my prison too.
Have you thought about volunteering in your community? I found it a great way to help others, while also feeling useful and getting out of your house (and head) for a while?
D
I don't have kids but my home was my prison too.
Have you thought about volunteering in your community? I found it a great way to help others, while also feeling useful and getting out of your house (and head) for a while?
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
