dontburntheday

My mom has been gone for almost 13 years. She found sobriety for the last 11 years of her life and we were able to rebuild our relationship. We were very close and I still struggle with her being gone. She died sober. I've held on to all of her AA & NA things for all this time - because they were so important to her. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I'd one day need them myself.

I'm on day 3 of not drinking. I've gone to 2 meetings. I'm ready to give this my all. I got out her copy of the big book tonight thinking I'd start reading. She has passages marked, business and index cards marking pages, a photo of her from 1982!!!, notes to herself in her handwriting, notes to her from other folks who were at in-patient treatment with her in 1992 when she got sober for the final time... When someone has been gone as long as she has, you don't really expect to receive communication from them. It was like a gut punch in the most bittersweet way.

I think maybe the most difficult thing for me in getting to where I am today has been that by admitting I have a problem with alcohol, I am admitting that I have the same problem she did, which brings up many emotions and feelings I haven't dealt with about my childhood, my young adulthood with her, the choices I have made since, and what life has been like for my own children. I didn't want to face any of those feelings.

I'll get my own copy of the book so I can form my own understanding of the materials but I'm so grateful that I have these notes from her as I embark on a journey she took in her own life. It's like she's with me as I begin to try and untangle how I got here and how I can get better.

Grateful.

sugarbear1

"I didn't want to face any of those feelings"

Yep, I also didn't want to face my feelings, but I sure am glad I did by working those 12 steps!

I wish you well on your sober journey!

site1Q84

Incredible! I've never been a hugely spiritual person, but I do have a little list I keep of things like this that seemed to start happening to me after I got sober. Little things that popped up right when I needed them to stay on my path. I call it my HP list

I'm so glad you shared this! It definitely made me smile. I'm sure she would be proud of you!

columbus

Powerful, powerful stuff.

A gift from beyond, I'd say.

Hevyn

Dontburn - What a treasure that book must be, filled with inspiration.
Admission was the hardest part for me - and it took me decades to do it. All the needless damage. I'm so glad we've decided not to live like that anymore.

NewRomanMan

I'm with you, don'tburn. I followed in my father's footsteps. Not that I wanted to, but part of me didn't know any better. Luckily, my father also found recovery. I hope we both can maintain it. I'm glad you got some quality years with your mom. It's a blessing.

Cleomie

Your mom must be proud of you, looking down and smiling.

Anna

I so relate to this. My mother was an alcoholic (in denial) and I lived my early adulthood determined to be 'not like my mother'. Ironically, I failed to focus on what I did want to be like, and focused on family and job. I lost myself and began drinking. It was horrible to have to admit I was an alcoholic. The good news is that you can recover. It's lovely that you have your mother's old writings but I'm also glad you are looking for you own take on things. One thing I know for sure is that my recovery journey is very personal.

Chifan7

How wonderful that you discovered these writings from your mom. .

MythOfSisyphus

Great post, don'tburntheday.