Cahabr

Hey all,

I was sober 6 months in 2013 and 4 months in 2016. I really enjoyed sobriety but it was always a struggle. Time with family and friends was the worst. To be sober I had to become a recluse and I had to remind myself daily of the reasons to be sober. I think things were better for myself and my kids but I'm not sure. I'm waging an internal battle on whether drinking is ok or not.

When not sober, I always ended up slipping at least every once awhile though into dangerous decisions. For example a few months ago I visited an old high school friend, we went bar hoping, drank way too much, smoked some weed, and I blacked out. I remember running away from a fight, losing my phone (took me hours the next day to find it), and driving home while seeing double lines on the road, struggling to stay awake. But those instances are very rare. Usually I have 2-3 drinks and call it a night.

I have so many addictions in my life it's ridiculous. I'm addicted to alcohol, addicted to tobacco, addicted to gaming (wasting my time), addicted to porn, addicted to social media, addicted to bad videos I find on the internet. I can fight off a few of them at a time. It just seems like there is too much in the world to fight off and I have to choose what to give in to. When I drink, it's very hard to resist any of them at all.

I'm not sure what this post is for, I just thought I'd share my situation here and figured I've been sober so far in 2017, guess I'll at least continue it through this weekend and see how it goes. I'm at least considering taking another shot at sobriety but wondering again what's the point?

Dee74

I faced that decision many times and kept putting off doing something about it until things got horribly and irrevocably worse.

That progression is inevitable.

If you're addicted to not just one thing but several, what do you think that says Cahabr?

What hole are you trying to fill with stuff?

Wouldn't you like to have that void healed?

why wait?

D

PhoenixJ

Welcome Cahabr. Read around the threads. If you were not you- and someone read your story to you- what would you say/think?

Berrybean

Glad youre here and posting.

Sounds like you tried abstinence rather than working on a plan for recovery. I'd suggest getting a plan together that will help you address the addictive mindset so you can learn to deal with life on life's terms rather than white knuckle it til you cave in and grab for external comfort that results in compulsive behaviour and thinking.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Munchkin94

I too have more than one addiction so I'm tackling them one at a time. Alcohol is the biggest offender causing massive destruction in my life so it's the first to go. I've already found, in my short 8 days sober, that the other vices aren't as loud in my head as they were when I was drunk. I can talk over them when I have a clear mind.

silentrun

I've had plenty to work on myself. 4 & 6 months would not have been enough time for me to heal. I had to recover from the damage alcohol caused before I could work on those other things.

emjay2017

Cabhar, from the way you describe things it sounds like there is a real disaster waiting (either for you or for someone else on the road) to occur at some point, even if 'most of the time' you can control your drinking. Is drinking really worth that risk?

August252015

Welcome.

Good points above.

I am an avid-AAer and your post made me think of the part of the BB that talks about "when I stopped drinking, all my other problems seemed to disappear" (paraphrase, p 416 4th ed). I found this to be highly accurate; my BPD diagnosis, for example, is pretty much a moot point now that I am sober as my alcoholic behavior was the bulk of what looked like/was/is borderline behavior.

I am not saying that your other addictions or issues will be magically cured.

I am saying that by removing the drink, a lot of good things can happen - and you will be clear to better assess what else you do need to work on.

Good luck.

(PS....your title....do you really feel like you are "managing it?")

Cahabr

Hey all, thanks for the replies, helpful stuff. Dee, I think you bring up a good point with me trying to fill something with all that other stuff. I'm not sure what it is. Probably hurt and regret from the past. I'm not sure where to go with that. Any time I've seen a therapist in the past I always felt like they are amateurs and I know more than them and thought the $ spent was a waste. Been there, done that with therapy since I was a troubled teenager 25 years ago.

As for all the other addictions, it does always seem to start with alcohol. When I didn't drink, it was much easier to avoid most of them (all of them for periods of time). With alcohol, I'm doing all my bad behaviors, even if I'm moderating the alcohol to just a few drinks. Maybe I just need to take that approach with alcohol, even if it's being moderated, it's negatively affecting everything else.

Cahabr

During the first 6 months I was sober in 2013 my marriage nearly fell apart. I started feeling like I did everything in my life drunk and my life was a sham, my marriage a mistake. We have 3 young children that I love very much and sobriety played a part in almost breaking us apart. That's part of why I'm not huge on sobriety. I almost feel like social drinking just enough to maintain the status quo is a good thing.

Doug39

I remember feeling like this hundreds of times during my 27 years of daily drinking.

I would be at work and say to myself "today after work I will go straight home and not stop for alcohol" but I would always stop. I remember opening that first beer or whatever and thinking "whats the point, I am an alcoholic and this is my life".

It got to the point that I didn't even enjoy drinking and sometimes had to force it down. I was self medicating - it was pathetic.

Today at 74 days sober I feel good and do not want to ever go back to my old ways.

Doug39

I was sober 4 months in 2013 and my marriage almost fell apart as well. One of the reasons I started drinking again was to save my marriage. My wife and I met in a bar and our life and relationship centered around booze.

This time I see things differently; my wife still drinks everyday and she doesn't support me going to AA but too bad - I need to change. Tonight she is going to the bar and I am going to an AA meeting.

I sometimes also feel my marriage is a sham and with booze out of the mix it will end - if so, oh well.

LadyBlue0527

I was convinced I could manage it too Cahabr. Your post about driving has my hair standing on end. I just went to court on Wednesday and it took all the way up through today for me to begin pulling myself out of the doldrums of the outcome. It could have been worse, far worse.

$2500 lawyer (only because I know him, this is usually more expensive)
$300 DEEP evaluation fee
$1700 so far in counseling fees that will be ongoing
6 months loss of license for refusal to take breathalyzer test
Addtl 3 months loss of license (BMV administrative)
I can't even tell you what I've paid in Uber fees and money to take the bus and what a complete inconvenience it's been. As it should be.

Think it ends there? No, no, no, that's just the beginning.

I ended up with a deferred sentence in exchange for the following

In ONE year, yes, next January, I must go back for formal sentencing.

For this period, no use of alcohol (not a problem, this will never be a problem again).

Once I get my full license back in March, if I ever get stopped for any reason I have to tell the cop I am on deferred disposition. I can expect they will search me, go through my vehicle, and possibly require me to take a test. I have no problem with any of these things, it's being treated like a common criminal when I am a person who wouldn't hurt a fly. I am also subject to random searches at any time of my house. They basically own me as a human being for the next year.

I will be paying a monthly administrative fee of $10 to $15 for them to "watch over me". I'm not joking, I am serious.

When I go back next January I must pay a $600 fine

I then do a weekend (72 hours actually) of alternative sentencing which I must pay $300 to do. Yup, I have to PAY to do this, which is essentially going to a school and painting or cleaning, whatever it is they need done.

Then, I get to lose my license for another 150 days (5 months). After 30 days I am eligible to "PAY" to have a device installed in my car which I must blow into in order for it to start.

I now will have an OUI on my record.

This is my FIRST OUI. I will never have to worry about it again but I ask you. Are you sure you want to risk getting behind that wheel again?

Don't think it can't happen to you, because it can. If you're lucky it will be just dealing with all of the above and you don't kill yourself or anybody else.

So when you tell your story about driving the way that you did a few months back and then you talk about sobriety and ask "what's the point?" Well, the above is part of the point. If you think it can't happen to you you're wrong. I didn't think it would happen to me either.

SweatyHands

My drinking was always manageable, until it wasn't. Even when I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol, and could go days or weeks without drinking, I still drastically increased my chances of making horrible decisions when I drank. When I relapsed last fall, I was absolutely convinced that I carefully examined where I was with my relationship to alcohol, and could follow ground rules to keep from getting back to where I was when I had to be medically detoxed. The truth was, as soon as that first drink passed my lips, I had zero control over what I did next.

I finally accepted that I just simply can not control myself when alcohol is in the picture. I can't stop drinking once I start. And I can't trust myself to make good decisions when I am under the influence. It took a shockingly small amount of time to become physically dependent again. And in fact, my drinking quickly got worse and more dangerous that it was before I quit the first time.

For me, the answer is crystal clear. I can not drink. I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.

Fly N Buy

Really good questions
Your signature picture is dead on.......plant flowers, yes!


Recently heard this;
A recovering alcoholic, Bob, was attending a boxing match with his friend, a priest.

As one of the boxers entered the ring he knelt and crossed himself.
Father, asked Bob - does that really work, I mean let go and let God?

Well, yes - it helps more if you take boxing lessons though.........

ScottFromWI

Perhaps if alcohol is the gateway addiction to all the rest of them you should just concentrate on that one first? We can only do so much, and I think a lot of us are simply addictive personalities. Learning how to tackle the big one first might also help you with the others.

It's pretty clear to me at least though that there's no way you can be a "social drinker" anymore , would you agree?

Cahabr

LadyBlue rough story. I'm sorry for what you're going through. If anything can get me to never drive drunk again this would be it. I really don't think I'll ever risk it again.. but when I have a drink (even one) my judgement get's horrible.. so I guess this means I cannot drink at all.

I didn't drink last night, got up early this morning for a long bike ride, fixed breakfast, had some coffee, and the family is still asleep. It's definitely one of the things I love the most about sobriety, the long quiet mornings with a head that isn't pounding. Hangover weekends were nothing but stress and anger.

D122y

Great post,

For me...the mental addiction lasts forever.

It took years of me being drunk, embarrassing, and pathetic before i physically could not take it.

Once i quit, i realized the progressive damage i had done to myself.

Mentally i still get anxious and want a drink. Physically, i have recovered for all i know.

The mental damage, brain damage, has lingered for my 20 months clean and counting.

Yay....

Thanks.

Dee74

I'm sorry for the problems in your marriage, I'm not sure how tolerating them by drinking will work tho.

D