Should I tell him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Should I tell him?
Hi all.. I have been reading posts for the past few weeks, and I am so thankful to have found this site! I have a question that you may all be able to answer for me..
My boyfriend left for rehab a little over 3 weeks ago. Last week, I was finally able to write him.. he was allowed to call me for a few moments, and now I am awaiting his reply to my letter.
So a little back story: I met my boyfriend at a bar, where I was working. I decided to leave the bar once things got serious, so we could spend more time together. I did not know of that my boyfriend had been struggling with a narcotic addiction for years, at that time. The bar is where my boyfriend would acquire things.. there are a lot of bad people there. For two months, I joined my boyfriend in his vices (I had never done anything before that).
Since my boyfriend went away, I've been working toward my own recovery.. Journaling, and what not. And I plan to attend NA meetings. I have been 100% sober.
The problem is, when my boyfriend left, I was left with nothing. My boyfriend was the bread winner. I owe my dad for a car he bought me, had to move out of our apartment.. back in with my parents. I had no money to pay my remaining bills. I applied for jobs with no luck.. so my old boss offered me my old position at the bar, so that I could make some quick cash.
The way I see it, I need to survive. I have never had a problem with addiction in the past, and I feel strong right now. No urges.. I have recognized that my boyfriend was actually my main trigger (complicated story). But the thing is, now that we are able to communicate.. I'm terrified to tell my boyfriend that I'm bartending again. I'm scared that just mentioning the bar will be a trigger (since we bought and used there). Or that he'll be thinking that I am getting back into that lifestyle. When really, I am just trying to survive.. while also saving up money for a fresh start once he gets out.
How would you suggest I bring this up to him? I thought about not telling him.. but with us both "starting over", I do not want to be dishonest with him. I am just scared that the thought of me being there will be a trigger for him. Please help!
-T
My boyfriend left for rehab a little over 3 weeks ago. Last week, I was finally able to write him.. he was allowed to call me for a few moments, and now I am awaiting his reply to my letter.
So a little back story: I met my boyfriend at a bar, where I was working. I decided to leave the bar once things got serious, so we could spend more time together. I did not know of that my boyfriend had been struggling with a narcotic addiction for years, at that time. The bar is where my boyfriend would acquire things.. there are a lot of bad people there. For two months, I joined my boyfriend in his vices (I had never done anything before that).
Since my boyfriend went away, I've been working toward my own recovery.. Journaling, and what not. And I plan to attend NA meetings. I have been 100% sober.
The problem is, when my boyfriend left, I was left with nothing. My boyfriend was the bread winner. I owe my dad for a car he bought me, had to move out of our apartment.. back in with my parents. I had no money to pay my remaining bills. I applied for jobs with no luck.. so my old boss offered me my old position at the bar, so that I could make some quick cash.
The way I see it, I need to survive. I have never had a problem with addiction in the past, and I feel strong right now. No urges.. I have recognized that my boyfriend was actually my main trigger (complicated story). But the thing is, now that we are able to communicate.. I'm terrified to tell my boyfriend that I'm bartending again. I'm scared that just mentioning the bar will be a trigger (since we bought and used there). Or that he'll be thinking that I am getting back into that lifestyle. When really, I am just trying to survive.. while also saving up money for a fresh start once he gets out.
How would you suggest I bring this up to him? I thought about not telling him.. but with us both "starting over", I do not want to be dishonest with him. I am just scared that the thought of me being there will be a trigger for him. Please help!
-T
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tenacious....I know that this is the last thing that you want to hear...because, you are still a bit "high" on the attraction of a young relationship...but, you need to be thinking of YOURSELF, first.
He has to deal with his addiction, as his first priority...and, he has been addicted to narcotics for years....It is going to take him a long time of dedicated work on his program...it should be his main concern.
I suggest that he find his own sober living situation, when he finishes rehab. It is going to take him one or two years to get some serious recovery under his belt. If he doesn't, relapse is extremely predictable.....and, you will be back to this same position, if you are with him....(won't your parents love to hear that..lol).
Whether you tell him about where you are working is beside the point, I think.
Your bigger issue is your whole life. You really don't need to be with a struggling drug addict as you are trying to get your own life together......
Now, I know that I sound harsh....but, there is nothing...nothing....about drug addiction that is not harsh....
I hope that he is one that does put his sobriety over all else....and, I hope that you will listen to what I am telling you....
You don't have to take my word, only, on this....
Do get to NA meetings and ask the others what they think about what I have said.....
He has to deal with his addiction, as his first priority...and, he has been addicted to narcotics for years....It is going to take him a long time of dedicated work on his program...it should be his main concern.
I suggest that he find his own sober living situation, when he finishes rehab. It is going to take him one or two years to get some serious recovery under his belt. If he doesn't, relapse is extremely predictable.....and, you will be back to this same position, if you are with him....(won't your parents love to hear that..lol).
Whether you tell him about where you are working is beside the point, I think.
Your bigger issue is your whole life. You really don't need to be with a struggling drug addict as you are trying to get your own life together......
Now, I know that I sound harsh....but, there is nothing...nothing....about drug addiction that is not harsh....
I hope that he is one that does put his sobriety over all else....and, I hope that you will listen to what I am telling you....
You don't have to take my word, only, on this....
Do get to NA meetings and ask the others what they think about what I have said.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Do what you have to do to make some money, but, yes, try to get away from the bar in the long term.
Take care of you and try not to worry about your SO. Rehab is good, but he has a long road ahead.
Being with an addict is hard, hard work. Visit some of the threads on this site and you will learn what others are going through.
Peace.
Take care of you and try not to worry about your SO. Rehab is good, but he has a long road ahead.
Being with an addict is hard, hard work. Visit some of the threads on this site and you will learn what others are going through.
Peace.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob 
Be truthful in all relationships.
Start looking for a different job.
Work a recovery program.
M-Bob
Start looking for a different job.
Work a recovery program.
M-Bob
You have a lot of future ahead of you. Getting sober was a good start...staying sober may be a matter of life or death for you. Please focus on you and distance yourself from people and places that led you to use in the first place.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the kind words.
I was able to visit with my boyfriend yesterday, and he's doing well so far. I decided to be honest with him about the bar, which upset him, but I think he understands. I told him I did not want to lie to him.
But one of you were right.. the bar was really beside the point.
He is learning all sorts of things that will benefit him in the long run.. But I feel like he is focusing more on US, than he is his recovery. In his letter, he had written that he told one of his new friends that he was worried about us.. and that it was the only thing holding him back from recovery. And he said that my first letter came an hour after, so it gave him the extra push. That didn't worry me too much, since everything else in our letters were light and positive.
But during our visit last night, he said he had wished he brought his journal down with him.. he said he was writing it "to me", about his day to day events. That didn't worry me all that much either.. When I bought him the journal before he left (I read that a journal is a good gift to give someone going into rehab), he said he hated writing, and wouldn't use it.. but so far he's written 50 pages in 2 weeks. So I'm glad he's writing, and maybe he feels more motivated to write if it's aimed toward someone? He said he finds it very relaxing, but I wish he would use it to dig deeper into himself.
What really concerned me.. is that when I asked about what he'd been learning in group, he told me that in one group, they asked what his motivation was for getting clean. He named being there for himself, his kids (from a previous partner), reconnecting with his family, and becoming the man his "queen" deserves.
Before, I would have thought that was romantic. I have not yet made it to an NA meeting, but I have read a book called An Addict in the House, which really opened my eyes. And now, I am in the process of reading a book called Co-Dependent No More, to learn my own coping skills. I now see this as an unhealthy coping mechanism that he is using.
I'm not sure what to do.. I know some of you had said I need to work on myself (which I am), but I don't want to abandon my boyfriend. I love him very much, and promised I'd stick by his side.. My mother suggested not visiting again for a while.. and writing less. But I'm worried he will then think that I am abandoning him. His family has visited him once, but they are all enablers and addicted to some things themselves. His dad has a prescription for Xanax, and his brother is an alcoholic. His mom seems to be the only other person kind of on board. She has said she is going to give up her medical Marijuana, and is willing to read the books I've mentioned. Other than us, my boyfriend has no one else. All of his friends are addicts, and unwilling to change.
I know that I can't save him, and that he has to want to change. And he seems wiling. But I'm worried if I distance myself, he will be too distracted to focus on his recovery. Which I'm not sure why he is focusing so much on us anyways because he had broken up with me in the days leading up to his entering rehab. We only reconciled the day before he left. Im not sure what to do? I still have a lot of learning to do, I guess.
I was able to visit with my boyfriend yesterday, and he's doing well so far. I decided to be honest with him about the bar, which upset him, but I think he understands. I told him I did not want to lie to him.
But one of you were right.. the bar was really beside the point.
He is learning all sorts of things that will benefit him in the long run.. But I feel like he is focusing more on US, than he is his recovery. In his letter, he had written that he told one of his new friends that he was worried about us.. and that it was the only thing holding him back from recovery. And he said that my first letter came an hour after, so it gave him the extra push. That didn't worry me too much, since everything else in our letters were light and positive.
But during our visit last night, he said he had wished he brought his journal down with him.. he said he was writing it "to me", about his day to day events. That didn't worry me all that much either.. When I bought him the journal before he left (I read that a journal is a good gift to give someone going into rehab), he said he hated writing, and wouldn't use it.. but so far he's written 50 pages in 2 weeks. So I'm glad he's writing, and maybe he feels more motivated to write if it's aimed toward someone? He said he finds it very relaxing, but I wish he would use it to dig deeper into himself.
What really concerned me.. is that when I asked about what he'd been learning in group, he told me that in one group, they asked what his motivation was for getting clean. He named being there for himself, his kids (from a previous partner), reconnecting with his family, and becoming the man his "queen" deserves.
Before, I would have thought that was romantic. I have not yet made it to an NA meeting, but I have read a book called An Addict in the House, which really opened my eyes. And now, I am in the process of reading a book called Co-Dependent No More, to learn my own coping skills. I now see this as an unhealthy coping mechanism that he is using.
I'm not sure what to do.. I know some of you had said I need to work on myself (which I am), but I don't want to abandon my boyfriend. I love him very much, and promised I'd stick by his side.. My mother suggested not visiting again for a while.. and writing less. But I'm worried he will then think that I am abandoning him. His family has visited him once, but they are all enablers and addicted to some things themselves. His dad has a prescription for Xanax, and his brother is an alcoholic. His mom seems to be the only other person kind of on board. She has said she is going to give up her medical Marijuana, and is willing to read the books I've mentioned. Other than us, my boyfriend has no one else. All of his friends are addicts, and unwilling to change.
I know that I can't save him, and that he has to want to change. And he seems wiling. But I'm worried if I distance myself, he will be too distracted to focus on his recovery. Which I'm not sure why he is focusing so much on us anyways because he had broken up with me in the days leading up to his entering rehab. We only reconciled the day before he left. Im not sure what to do? I still have a lot of learning to do, I guess.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tenacious.....just so you know.....they will be telling him over and over and over, in rehab...that his sobriety has to become the first priority in his life--for the rest of his life...regardless of anything or anyone else. sobriety first.
If he works his program right...it will take up lots and lots of time...especially in the first year or two....very frequent meetings, meeting with sponsor, maybe, a counselor, also. and doing outreach work for others.....(since he has been addicted for years, recovery is going to be a long road of very focused work, if he is to make it)
If he doesn't adhere to that..relapse is extremely likely.....
Trust me,,,it will be a lot easier on everyone if he goes to a sober living situation on discharge for a while and then, live separately from you.
Likewise, it would be better for y ou to be free to work just as hard on your own program and getting more insight into your own self......
(it takes two healthy people who have their feet o n the ground to make a happy relationship.
It is never abandoning someone to put yourself first......
As you know...his recovery does not depend on what you do or don't do....
He left you...then "got back together" one day before he left? Phffft---
You don't "owe" him anything!
I am so happy to see that you are eager to continue learning!!
Knowledge is power....you go, girl!
If he works his program right...it will take up lots and lots of time...especially in the first year or two....very frequent meetings, meeting with sponsor, maybe, a counselor, also. and doing outreach work for others.....(since he has been addicted for years, recovery is going to be a long road of very focused work, if he is to make it)
If he doesn't adhere to that..relapse is extremely likely.....
Trust me,,,it will be a lot easier on everyone if he goes to a sober living situation on discharge for a while and then, live separately from you.
Likewise, it would be better for y ou to be free to work just as hard on your own program and getting more insight into your own self......
(it takes two healthy people who have their feet o n the ground to make a happy relationship.
It is never abandoning someone to put yourself first......
As you know...his recovery does not depend on what you do or don't do....
He left you...then "got back together" one day before he left? Phffft---
You don't "owe" him anything!
I am so happy to see that you are eager to continue learning!!
Knowledge is power....you go, girl!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Things will evolve. People are all over the place emotionally in rehab. The next time you visit or talk he may have decided that you are not central to his recovery. Something or someone else is. Let's see what happens. Try not to invest too much in his recovery. As I said earlier, he has a long way to go.
Focus on you. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy. Build friendships. This is an opportunity for you to focus on what is best for you, without the sound and fury of an addict in your life.
Focus on you. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy. Build friendships. This is an opportunity for you to focus on what is best for you, without the sound and fury of an addict in your life.
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