Marissa41

I really started to want my sobriety at the end of October. Did better but not perfect, but improved to being almost functional.
Well that didn't last long .
I just keep running circles around myself. My alcohol of choice used to be Vodka until it almost killed me. Since then I've managed to stay away from hard liquor. I drank mostly wine or beer.
I feel so good when I can stay away from all of it!
But this December I managed to bring myself back into a dark place I'm sorry I went.
Not only have I been drinking massive amounts of beer but dove into some hard liquor too. Not much of the hard stuff but enough to throw me into feeling unwell.
Unwell as in extreme anxiety and depression with some physical symptoms too.
It just hasn't been worth it. I think back at how much I manage to accomplish sober. I almost had my house in good shape and now it looks like a complete chaotic mess. It's sad because I had worked so hard on it. Then I got drunk and just didn't care anymore. About anything. Not even myself. I only manage to survive. Not really living when I'm drinking, just existing. I'm a terrible mother when I drink. Not really mean just neglectful in a sense.
This has to be my year to quit. AA here I come!
Now to make myself do it.

Berrybean

I'm so glad you're back, and that you made it though this last moderation experiment. I'm taking it that the scientific conclusion that you reached is that it's not possible. It took me years and years to get to that point, as it did many of us.

Sounds like you have the starting salary of a plan. That's exciting stuff when you peer around the edges of your fear. When is your first meeting?

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

https://youtu.be/9aCe6jPxH6I

finaltime

Welcome. I know exactly where you are coming from. I am a mother and have been in and out of recovery for years. Just look through my posts and threads and you will see this. When I am clean life is great, mothering is great, work is great, house is great. Then BAM slip back into taking the pills then booze and constant smoking.

I am picking myself up again as well. Looking to the threads for support and to help others. We can do this. One day at a time to not pick up. Can you reach out for help? Tell others you are getting clean? Go to meetings?

Keep posting please.

Dee74

good decision Marissa - whens your next meeting?

D

Berrybean

PS ...should have said 'startings of a plan', not sure how I managed to type 'starting salary' instead. I shall put it down to the mysterious workings of autocorrect. Apologies for any confusion.

Anna

Hi Marissa,

I hope that you decide to do this and to make a plan that works for you. It's not better to drink wine or beer rather than hard alcohol and I think that's something your AV is telling you to keep you hooked. Alcohol is alcohol, and you will feel so much better if you stay sober.

Marissa41

Thanks everyone.. Meeting is Monday evening.
Not looking forward to PAWS! Luckily I have some medication to help.

Midwest1981

I am glad you made the decision to quit.

best of luck to you in 2017!

Delilah1

Hi Marissa,

Glad you came back. As you can see from my join date it took me a while to finally get sobriety right. I was a wine drinker as well, and it didn't matter what the alcohol was the effect was the same, I wasn't as good of a mom/wife/employee as I could be, and I deserved better.

Last year at this time I was not happy with myself, I was constantly fuzzy headed, I had gained weight, and my free time was consumed with either drinking too much, or battling with myself about how much was acceptable to drink.

I have not had a single drop of alcohol during 2016, and I feel better than I have in years. SR was my biggest tool, I joined the January of 2016 class, I started checking into the 24 hour thread each day, I read books about recovery, journaled, exercised, and spent time working on mindfulness. I am so excited to continue this work during 2017.

You can do this. Read around on here and write down your plan. If you are tempted to drink log in here first, check out AA meetings, or other face to face support groups. Do whatever it takes.

My first few weeks I planned out every minute of my free time, I didn't want to have any time where drinking was even a remote possibility.

You can do this Marissa, looking forward to seeing you on here.

❤️Delilah

Marissa41

Too much time is my problem! I desperately need to get my house in order. Right now I just don't have the will or energy to do it. I can't seem to concentrate on anything and I have severe back pain. It's just hard to get going and keep going.
Tomorrow's plan is waking up to coffee, toast, anxiety and pain meds and get busy.

Dee74

Not everyone gets PAWS...you may get through a week or two of withdrawal and never look back

Good luck for Monday evening - have you got a New Years sober plan in place?

D

bemyself

Marissa, given you're on anxiety and pain meds - on top of trying to get / stay sober, it's probably a good idea to pace yourself with the housework and similar physical jobs.

Perhaps just think about one or two achievable things you can do tomorrow, for example - vacuum one room, not the whole house; OR wipe down a couple of bathroom / or kitchen areas, eg. just a couple of sinks or benches, not the entire room; OR sweep the kitchen floor, not try to attack the entire kitchen; OR put away or in the rubbish various bits of stuff from one or two tables / coffee table / bedside tables, whatever.....get the drift?

I've had to learn to pace myself with household tasks increasingly in order to manage other (non-addiction) medical conditions. So for me, even in my various periods of sobriety, trying to maintain my version of a 'perfect' house and garden (each person has their own version about what degree of 'perfect' feels ok for them) is an exercise fraught with unnecessary angst. And physical pain and / or exhaustion.

The 'state' of our homes can be rectified through various means over a period of time, with others' help if you have someone who's willing, or by simply accepting that we can only do what can be done for today. Or for this hour. The rest will still be there to have a go at tomorrow. It can be done. After all, there are many recovering / recovered people who have other medical conditions and who have also learned this.

If you can get and stay sober again (as I have to, so I'm with you on that), you'll notice that the house / outdoors will indeed Get Done....eventually, at a nice slow pace. One no longer needs to be Good Housekeeping's Mother and Housekeeper of the Year....SUCH a blessed relief.

Just take some care of yourself. Do what you can tomorrow. And no more. Again, the next day......In between the chores, watch a movie, have a bath, a nap, whatever gives you a break.

PhoenixJ

If you do get PAWS, M- get medical help. I got seizures going cold turkey.

SWTPEA61

The longer you stay away from the booze the back pain will be gone and your energy will return the PAWS will be less and less.
Don't forget.....you have been slowly poisoning yourself and your body needs time to heal.
May ST. MICHAEL ARCHANGEL PROTECT YOU MARISSA41 AGAINST THE WICKEDNESS OF SATAN. AMEN

Marissa41

I was sober for months before and was on a liver diet, which is essentially just eating healthy, and the inflammation did subside. It's amazing how changing your diet along with sobriety can help.

Delilah1

Start tomorrow with a short list of things to do, I k ow you want everything done, but think of two-three priorities and start there. Make sure staying sober is in your list.

You've got this Marissa!

Marissa41

I drank yesterday but not as much as I had been. I feel a little better physically. Not hungover, but not very motivated. I'll get there though!
First on my list today is myself. Shower and food! Then I'll go from there.
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to help others!! This place truly is a blessing..

PurpleKnight

You can do this Marissa, it all starts from a Day 1 and go from there!!