autumngreen

Hi, I wondered if I could ask a question about a friend who has an alcohol addiction. I will try to explain as simply as I can.

I have been in close contact with this friend for over a year, he is a strictly platonic, very dear old school friend. With his help and support Via messaging and phone calls, I have come to realise that my partner of 22 years has been abusing me, and with my friends help and support, I am in the process of separating from my partner.

My friend has been very intrumental in helping me, we have been in close contact. However, he began to drink again (I understood that he was a recovered alcoholic of over 12 months when we began to communicate), and he has now has two episodes of drinking for several weeks and then stopping and returning to 'normal life'. When he drinks he loses co tact somewhat, but when he is recovering, he disappears completely, no communication at all..he won't reply to simple messages asking if he is safe or okay..I know he isn't necessarily 'ok', but I need to know he is safe..he will not respond.

I fear that I have perhaps come to rely on him too much, albeit only over the phone or in messages, but nonetheless, I find it difficult to not have his support and contact now that I have had that for so long. Recently he has disappeared again, no replies to messages, voicemails..nothing, he won't reply to let me know if he is safe etc. this hurts a lot because I have become close to him and I worry for him, it isn't all about me and him helping me, I also am concerned for him.

I wanted to ask, is this usual for a person who is struggling with quitting alcohol, or someone who has just stopped drinking? He has never asked me for anything at all, he has been a true friend and support and I have always told him how grateful I am and how fortunate I am to have a friend like him. I ho early have not asked him for anything or pushed him to help me..

Any suggestions or guidance would be most appreciated as I am so worried about him and the lack of response. He lives in a different country so it is impossible for me to visit to check.
Thank you.

FeelingGreat

Hi AG, I can see how his behaviour would be puzzling and hurtful. My guess is he's feeling ashamed of his relapse, and doesn't want contact with friends who would try to help or pity him.
If he had 12 months sober he may have had enough confidence to develop a friendly relationship, but he doesn't want to show you his other drunken self.
All you can do is let him know you're here for him if he needs you, and then keep your distance. If he does make contact and isn't sober, be very careful about how involved in his life you become.

autumngreen

Hi, feelinggreat, Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it a lot.

I guess this is really what I'm trying to work out : is he disappesring and ignoring me because of alcohol, or is there something else going on..i.e. Am I burdening him..is he trying to disconnect from me without having to tell me. Is it a classic behaviour, to disappear when drinking? I am learning from many helpful replies like yours, as well as some research and reading online, that it seems to be the case.

Before my friend ended contact with me, he did call me on the phone a few times while he was drinking. I'd describe him as sounding 'jolly' and carefree. I think this was probably right at the very start of him returning to alcohol...is this common? To be happy and feeling in control to begin with but as the days pass and the more alcohol he has, the more negative the behaviour and the less jolly or happy? Sorry, I am just trying to get a picture of what he is going through.

Thank you again for your reply..and hope you're having a lovely Christmas.

FeelingGreat

Everyone's different, but yeah that is pretty common. Either through shame, or not wanting to be helped.