What Moving On Feels Like Now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
What Moving On Feels Like Now.
Each time I left, I stayed away a little bit longer.
1st time - about 1 week
2nd time - about 3 weeks
3rd time - a year
4th time - only has been 90 days but there will never be another chance between us.
I feel it in my soul. Time #3, I thought I thought it was final but there was that lingering 'hope' that he would see things finally. My actions were saying to him, "hey look at me, I can go out and have fun. I can be a mom too. I can spend time with you, when you want or when I want. But what I really wanted was for him to have finally learned his lesson. I justified letting him move back with our son and me because I was sure that he would realize all we had to offer. I told him what his boundaries were with me. What I would not accept of him in relation to me. " I am chuckling because none of that worked.
This time has been so much different in that I feel in my bones it is final. Everyone thought I would be with him for another 7 years. Another year was all I could take as I longed for the freedom from the chaos that I had just experienced in the not too far distant path. I concentrated on my inner self and acceptance of what him and I had become. We always did have a treacherous path we followed together and nothing ever seemed easy between us. I am so thankful that I allowed myself to let go. I am thankful that 2017 will be here in just a few short days and I will be starting a new year with just myself and my son.
I also had this epiphany of late. I thought back onto the long struggle to try to love this man. It started in 2007 and we were together on/off until Sept 2016. I thought of the time before that, when I had another life. It seemed literally like another life. These big chunks of time pass where things are relationary to people I was spending my life with. Honestly, they seem like different lives in a way, all the memories. I was proverbially crying on SR about how I am 41 and may never get a chance to be loved again, blah blah. And someone(s) told me to just get that thinking out of my head. I moved on from that and in this epiphany I had, I realized that I am now able to create a new chunk of time consisting of memories made and shared with only myself and my son as the main focus. We get to be center-stage and I get the chance to create some really good times for us. He is just turning 7 next month, and for the next decade chunk of my life, I get to create something beautiful, serene, peaceful.
My son found some pics on his iPad that are linked up to his dad's picture account. I had no idea about it. But there were some pics taken at a Christmas party my xAbf attended. He was there with his new gf. She really is a lovely woman physically. I don't know much about her past to say anything else about her character. In one pic taken of the xAbf, he had a 1/2 finished glass of beer in front of him. He had a smile on his face, but his soul didn't look *happy* if that makes any sense. And I just thought to myself, well shoot, I am glad that I am not having to watch him drink anymore. The sound of the beer can or bottle popping off used to send me into a tailspin. I stepped off the merry-go-round. I am not jealous of his new gf. I am devoid of feelings for him. My pity is gone. My feeling of the need to help or offer any advice is gone.
I am here to tell all of the people who struggle with such painful relationships, that we can move on. The change begins within. The change begins with the desire and futility of pushing threw all the feelings of guilt that keep us trapped within something we have made up in our own minds. Truly, our hope and wish (they recover for US) is just not tangible. It is something that does not exist in reality. I can only take the reality of what I experienced in 10 years of living with my xAbf and apply it to my situation. I cannot pretend anymore that it was ever anything nice and romantic Anything I ever wished it was, it wasn't. There is hope though. It comes from within. It will transform the situation in ways that only oneself can allow it to.
And so much of that can be attributed to the support I found here on SR. I urge everyone who is struggling in the new year to keep coming back here and reading. Try to participate. Use this forum as a safe place because so many have been through this chartered territory of alcoholism. The stories are all so similar, that a course is attainable. There is an action plan in place and many will share ideas of their own experiences to help someone struggling to get out.
Wishing everyone a fantastic 2017. I intend for mine to be just that.
1st time - about 1 week
2nd time - about 3 weeks
3rd time - a year
4th time - only has been 90 days but there will never be another chance between us.
I feel it in my soul. Time #3, I thought I thought it was final but there was that lingering 'hope' that he would see things finally. My actions were saying to him, "hey look at me, I can go out and have fun. I can be a mom too. I can spend time with you, when you want or when I want. But what I really wanted was for him to have finally learned his lesson. I justified letting him move back with our son and me because I was sure that he would realize all we had to offer. I told him what his boundaries were with me. What I would not accept of him in relation to me. " I am chuckling because none of that worked.
This time has been so much different in that I feel in my bones it is final. Everyone thought I would be with him for another 7 years. Another year was all I could take as I longed for the freedom from the chaos that I had just experienced in the not too far distant path. I concentrated on my inner self and acceptance of what him and I had become. We always did have a treacherous path we followed together and nothing ever seemed easy between us. I am so thankful that I allowed myself to let go. I am thankful that 2017 will be here in just a few short days and I will be starting a new year with just myself and my son.
I also had this epiphany of late. I thought back onto the long struggle to try to love this man. It started in 2007 and we were together on/off until Sept 2016. I thought of the time before that, when I had another life. It seemed literally like another life. These big chunks of time pass where things are relationary to people I was spending my life with. Honestly, they seem like different lives in a way, all the memories. I was proverbially crying on SR about how I am 41 and may never get a chance to be loved again, blah blah. And someone(s) told me to just get that thinking out of my head. I moved on from that and in this epiphany I had, I realized that I am now able to create a new chunk of time consisting of memories made and shared with only myself and my son as the main focus. We get to be center-stage and I get the chance to create some really good times for us. He is just turning 7 next month, and for the next decade chunk of my life, I get to create something beautiful, serene, peaceful.
My son found some pics on his iPad that are linked up to his dad's picture account. I had no idea about it. But there were some pics taken at a Christmas party my xAbf attended. He was there with his new gf. She really is a lovely woman physically. I don't know much about her past to say anything else about her character. In one pic taken of the xAbf, he had a 1/2 finished glass of beer in front of him. He had a smile on his face, but his soul didn't look *happy* if that makes any sense. And I just thought to myself, well shoot, I am glad that I am not having to watch him drink anymore. The sound of the beer can or bottle popping off used to send me into a tailspin. I stepped off the merry-go-round. I am not jealous of his new gf. I am devoid of feelings for him. My pity is gone. My feeling of the need to help or offer any advice is gone.
I am here to tell all of the people who struggle with such painful relationships, that we can move on. The change begins within. The change begins with the desire and futility of pushing threw all the feelings of guilt that keep us trapped within something we have made up in our own minds. Truly, our hope and wish (they recover for US) is just not tangible. It is something that does not exist in reality. I can only take the reality of what I experienced in 10 years of living with my xAbf and apply it to my situation. I cannot pretend anymore that it was ever anything nice and romantic Anything I ever wished it was, it wasn't. There is hope though. It comes from within. It will transform the situation in ways that only oneself can allow it to.
And so much of that can be attributed to the support I found here on SR. I urge everyone who is struggling in the new year to keep coming back here and reading. Try to participate. Use this forum as a safe place because so many have been through this chartered territory of alcoholism. The stories are all so similar, that a course is attainable. There is an action plan in place and many will share ideas of their own experiences to help someone struggling to get out.
Wishing everyone a fantastic 2017. I intend for mine to be just that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Thanks to everyone for the kind words. I have to say that a few of you, in the beginning, I was like WUUUUT did he/she just say. Before I had the full understanding of what was going on. So truly, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I intend to keep coming here and reading/reinforcing what I know now. I also want to share my story with others to help them along.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Good for you and I feel sorry for him. He doesn't get it and if he ever truly entered recovery he would see life is much better on this side and he could have spent the remainder of his life creating great memories with you. Best of luck. You got this.
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