AHreturn from detox
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep everything running as it did when he was not there.....don't bend your life around him......he needs to fit in. meanwhile, his family will carry on. it's up to him to join in or get left behind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Was this a detox, or an actual rehab program (usually lasts 4 weeks-6 months)? If it was a rehab, he probably has an aftercare plan. I'd give him plenty of space to concentrate on that. Of course, if he doesn't concentrate on it, or if he thinks a detox alone has "fixed" him, he's not likely to stay sober for too long.
As Anvil said, nothing special you need to do. Be patient if he's moody or irritable, but don't take any actual abuse from him. If he is nasty to you, just walk away--practice detaching. Most people are "off" for a few weeks to months--it takes time to learn to cope with life, sober, and most newly sober people really aren't that pleasant to be around. I know I wasn't, nor were the partners I was with when they got sober.
Concentrate as much as you can on your own recovery--if you're not going to Al-Anon, I suggest you try that. It will help you keep your feet on the ground regardless of whether he stays sober or not.
As Anvil said, nothing special you need to do. Be patient if he's moody or irritable, but don't take any actual abuse from him. If he is nasty to you, just walk away--practice detaching. Most people are "off" for a few weeks to months--it takes time to learn to cope with life, sober, and most newly sober people really aren't that pleasant to be around. I know I wasn't, nor were the partners I was with when they got sober.
Concentrate as much as you can on your own recovery--if you're not going to Al-Anon, I suggest you try that. It will help you keep your feet on the ground regardless of whether he stays sober or not.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by aspen1970 
Any advice in how to support my husband as he returns from an inpatient treatment program?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Wishing I had pushed harder for inpatient.
I Googled enabling and found this group and your posts. I see your husband went to inpatient treatment. How is it going now that he is out? My husband toof had a good job and is a functioning alcoholic, most don't know his extent of drinking and probably wouldn't believe it.
My AH was diagnosed with alcoholic pancreatitis on the 14th. The doctor wanted him to go to inpatient treatment. He of course convinced me that he did not need inpatient. Hearing...stop or you will die was enough for him, or so he said. This morninng he went and bought a case of beer...as in a 24 pack. I begged him not to, cried and told him how hurt and scared I am for him and our family. Didn't matter. He wants to have beers for the game he says...it's just sick. Now I am regretting not pushing for inpatient with the doctor.
I am now staying down stairs doing my own thing while he is upstairs in his office/game room. I don't know if he is drinking yet but I am not going to spend tI me with him while he is drinking.
Didn't mean to make this about me, question really is.....did the inpatient treatment work?
My AH was diagnosed with alcoholic pancreatitis on the 14th. The doctor wanted him to go to inpatient treatment. He of course convinced me that he did not need inpatient. Hearing...stop or you will die was enough for him, or so he said. This morninng he went and bought a case of beer...as in a 24 pack. I begged him not to, cried and told him how hurt and scared I am for him and our family. Didn't matter. He wants to have beers for the game he says...it's just sick. Now I am regretting not pushing for inpatient with the doctor.
I am now staying down stairs doing my own thing while he is upstairs in his office/game room. I don't know if he is drinking yet but I am not going to spend tI me with him while he is drinking.
Didn't mean to make this about me, question really is.....did the inpatient treatment work?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Nicki1130 -- it's good you found us but I'm sorry for the reason you had to come looking.
This thread is a few months old and aspen hasn't posted since then. If you started your own thread you'd be bound to get more responses! You SHOULD make it about you because your question is important and deserves to be seen!
I don't personally know anyone who's been in to inpatient, but I do know that you cannot control your husband's recovery (or lack thereof), so please stop beating yourself up over what you pushed or didn't at the doctor's office.
It's good that you've detached from his choices today, and I'm sorry your pleas fell on deaf ears. I've learned that until someone is ready to quit drinking there's nothing anyone can say or do to convince them that they have to. It's painful, but this is about him and his addiction, not you or your family. He is caught in something far beyond his control.
Lastly, I want to gently caution that that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, but rather a stage. Alcoholism is progressive. Untreated, it will get worse, and no one can predict the timeline.
I hope your husband finds the courage to fight through his addiction for the sake of his own health.
This thread is a few months old and aspen hasn't posted since then. If you started your own thread you'd be bound to get more responses! You SHOULD make it about you because your question is important and deserves to be seen!
I don't personally know anyone who's been in to inpatient, but I do know that you cannot control your husband's recovery (or lack thereof), so please stop beating yourself up over what you pushed or didn't at the doctor's office.
It's good that you've detached from his choices today, and I'm sorry your pleas fell on deaf ears. I've learned that until someone is ready to quit drinking there's nothing anyone can say or do to convince them that they have to. It's painful, but this is about him and his addiction, not you or your family. He is caught in something far beyond his control.
Lastly, I want to gently caution that that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, but rather a stage. Alcoholism is progressive. Untreated, it will get worse, and no one can predict the timeline.
I hope your husband finds the courage to fight through his addiction for the sake of his own health.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ditto what SparkleKitty said (we felines stick together, lol).
I do know people who have gone to inpatient (I've been sober 8 years and was married to two alcoholics). The biggest virtue of inpatient treatment is that it allows the person to focus on nothing but recovery. It's not a magic bullet, and it won't bring about sobriety in someone who isn't ready to quit drinking.
So "getting him into rehab" might not have done a bit of good. Maybe he has to fall further before he is ready; some people never are, unfortunately.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, since ultimately that is the only person over whom you have control. Al-Anon is terrific for that, and so is posting here (and yes, start a new thread--you will get more responses specific to your situation). Other things you can do include going over your financial/legal situation in the event you wind up on your own (either separating/divorcing or being widowed). It's scary to think about, but planning and making your own life secure takes some of the fear factor out of it. But it's important, because unless he comes around, either of those is a distinct possibility.
I do know people who have gone to inpatient (I've been sober 8 years and was married to two alcoholics). The biggest virtue of inpatient treatment is that it allows the person to focus on nothing but recovery. It's not a magic bullet, and it won't bring about sobriety in someone who isn't ready to quit drinking.
So "getting him into rehab" might not have done a bit of good. Maybe he has to fall further before he is ready; some people never are, unfortunately.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, since ultimately that is the only person over whom you have control. Al-Anon is terrific for that, and so is posting here (and yes, start a new thread--you will get more responses specific to your situation). Other things you can do include going over your financial/legal situation in the event you wind up on your own (either separating/divorcing or being widowed). It's scary to think about, but planning and making your own life secure takes some of the fear factor out of it. But it's important, because unless he comes around, either of those is a distinct possibility.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you for your response. I am glad I found this site. I searched for alanon meetings but the only one is over an hour away. :S
My dad was in the program so I know about powerlessness, just havent been able to accept it. He drank himself to death, literally. Ithe baffles me that his life and our family are not enough. I am distancing myself, and reading a lot right now.
My dad was in the program so I know about powerlessness, just havent been able to accept it. He drank himself to death, literally. Ithe baffles me that his life and our family are not enough. I am distancing myself, and reading a lot right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
I was just telling a friend I need to prepare for raising our kids alone. Because I know, either we will get divorced or he will die.
I did ask him today what color suit I should bury him in...didn't phase him. He thinks I am too upset and that every once in a whiletter he can drink. I know better and so does he if he would admit it. It's just sad. I hate not hanging out with him because we have watched the basketball tournament together all week, but I do not want to even be around him when he is drinking, he needs to know and should know I am 100% not OK with it.
It's like a betrayal to me, he said he was not ever drinking again so he can live, because he loves his family and I whole heartedly believed him.
I wish there were meetings closer to us.
I did ask him today what color suit I should bury him in...didn't phase him. He thinks I am too upset and that every once in a whiletter he can drink. I know better and so does he if he would admit it. It's just sad. I hate not hanging out with him because we have watched the basketball tournament together all week, but I do not want to even be around him when he is drinking, he needs to know and should know I am 100% not OK with it.
It's like a betrayal to me, he said he was not ever drinking again so he can live, because he loves his family and I whole heartedly believed him.
I wish there were meetings closer to us.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd stop trying to get through to him by making dramatic statements like what color suit he wants to be buried in. It won't have the desired effect, and it will just make him more defensive. I think you've made it more than clear to him that you are worried about him and don't condone his drinking. You don't have to keep repeating yourself.
Put some of that energy into doing some planning of your own. You can make an appointment with a lawyer. It commits you to nothing, but a lawyer can explain the law and what you can do to protect yourself financially and legally so you know your options.
How old are your kids? They are probably being affected by this situation, too. You might want to talk to them about Dad's drinking in an age-appropriate way. Maybe a counselor at school could give you some help with that. Even if you think they aren't affected or they don't see what's going on, you're probably wrong. It can be a big relief for kids to know it's OK to talk about how they feel. They should be reassured that both parents love them and that nothing that happens with their Dad or you is their fault.
Put some of that energy into doing some planning of your own. You can make an appointment with a lawyer. It commits you to nothing, but a lawyer can explain the law and what you can do to protect yourself financially and legally so you know your options.
How old are your kids? They are probably being affected by this situation, too. You might want to talk to them about Dad's drinking in an age-appropriate way. Maybe a counselor at school could give you some help with that. Even if you think they aren't affected or they don't see what's going on, you're probably wrong. It can be a big relief for kids to know it's OK to talk about how they feel. They should be reassured that both parents love them and that nothing that happens with their Dad or you is their fault.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Boy do I remember that "trying to get through to them" saga. Nothing I said made a difference as a matter of fact it often just made life worse. Anger, denial, frustration was my fuel that poured over him with me always throwing in that sarcasm match.
I learned in al-anon that if you say it more then once you are nagging. Nagging makes things worse for you. Try and find an al-anon on line or keep posting here. Look for al-anon books online, they do offer online meetings if getting to one is a distance away.
I learned in al-anon that if you say it more then once you are nagging. Nagging makes things worse for you. Try and find an al-anon on line or keep posting here. Look for al-anon books online, they do offer online meetings if getting to one is a distance away.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nicki....I have treated many patients who presented with acute pancreatitis.
the thing about pancreatitis is that, a full blown "attack" is extrodinarilly painful and the person is acutely ill. They usually come to the emergency room...even those who try to avoid doctors. and, it can come on quickly....
so, it is likely that he will come under the attention of a doctor, again....giving an opportunity for him to be admitted....and go through a detoxification...and get into further treatment (if he agrees)......
Whether he will stick with a recovery program is anybody's guess.....
You will have to make decisions about your own welfare, in any case......
I know that this is very hard. I am sorry that you age going through this....
the thing about pancreatitis is that, a full blown "attack" is extrodinarilly painful and the person is acutely ill. They usually come to the emergency room...even those who try to avoid doctors. and, it can come on quickly....
so, it is likely that he will come under the attention of a doctor, again....giving an opportunity for him to be admitted....and go through a detoxification...and get into further treatment (if he agrees)......
Whether he will stick with a recovery program is anybody's guess.....
You will have to make decisions about your own welfare, in any case......
I know that this is very hard. I am sorry that you age going through this....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
They are 2 and 3 years old. My daughter is definately a daddy's girl, when he is not here she cries for him. They are young and aren't around him much when he is drunk but it won't be long before they understand. I actually talked to a lawyer in November. Retainers for divorce are 4,000 here. I am a stay at home mom so I applied for legal aid, got approved and backed out because I didn't want to give up on him. But, at some point I know it's more than likely what needs to happen. He just told me he is only going to drink once a week....right, then two then three ... I know how that goes.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Nicky if he's had alcoholic pancreatitis, he's going to get it again if he keeps drinking. Being told by the doctor may not have the impact of his health breaking down, and painfully.
Some As drink of regardless, until they really do pass away. Time will tell with him and it could take precious time you don't have.
Some As drink of regardless, until they really do pass away. Time will tell with him and it could take precious time you don't have.
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