Kw0920

Last night "R"AH asked me to write down on his goals how or what I want/need from him. One of the things i wrote had him questioning me about my fear of him relapsing. I said the fear is there, especially when we aren't in a "good spot". This of course led to a longer conversation off topic of "what I need from him to work on" (HIS IDEA BY THE WAY) and led into a conversation about how I have changed, how I am not doing anything to gain understanding of his disease. How I haven't been there for him (like all the other times). We agreed on some things...not on others....when the conversation started to "spiral"...I halted it...and he agreed to take a breather....anyway....I didn't leave the conversation feeling like he gets my side or that he is even in a place to have these conversations...still. Also felt manipulated and icky.....
Fast forward to this morning....he messaged me about two hours ago about how it's been a bad morning...at work....(even though we had messaged throughout the morning and he seemed fine). I messaged back and was supportive (or at least I thought) and said i would try and send him extra love through the day....BUT OF COURSE i said and did it wrong...which i knew by his answer.....UGH.....I am getting to the point where i just don't even know how to be me....because apparently IT IS ALLLLL WRONG!!!!!!!!!
It's so frustrating because he is literally up and down so much that i keep saying I don't know how much more i can take....trying to be patient with the process...with the "recovery" but I am so tired of being so wrong ....and never knowing how to be right?

knowthetriggers

I don't know what kind of "recovery" program either of you are in but him asking you to take HIS personal inventory is crossing the line in my opinion. If he is working a program then this is HIS responsibility when the time is right.

It's almost like he is picking a fight. Honestly I would not have even entertained the idea.

If you haven't already I would suggest two books, Codependent No More and The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

LexieCat

You're still riding the roller coaster, aren't you?

Up to you when you get off--you don't need his permission or agreement. You can make this a real separation, at least until he's ready to stop blaming you for everything.

Kw0920

Yes LexieCat....It's the guilt...I know I need to go work harder on me...i need to find a way to get out...and let go....completely...

qtpi

Guilt made the wall much higher for me to jump over!

firebolt

(((HUGS)))

That just sucks. We spend so long fantasizing that 'if they could only sober up, we'd be perfect for each other.' The reality is tough - recovery takes a long time, and sometimes we just aren't perfect for each other. Hang in there, take care of you. <3

CaptainM

Couldn't have said it better myself and needed this reminder, too!

AnvilheadII

what kind of a job does he have that he can text/message you all morning?

might be good for both of you to reduce the amount of constant contact?

Bekindalways

KW, this sounds super tough. My qualifier never entered recovery and I left so I never even had much hope. Sometimes I think the recovering A is almost harder as you don't know which way to jump.

Big hug

hearthealth

Kw , you know how to be you. You need to stay in your hoola hoop. You can't control his reaction to your truths.

Lilro

Yada Yada Yada....

Listen! His recovery is HIS recovery. DO NOT let him pull you into his issues. What's he trying to do? Make you feel guilty so he can feel better about himself? Give me a break.
I know you are trying and I don't want to come off as being snarky but I think it's probably time for you to disconnect from HIS recovery. You work on yours..let him work on his. Please don't feed into it..

53500

If everything you say is "wrong" (and it isn't, btw, that he's taking it that way is HIS problem) then I suggest stop saying anything, particularly in text.

It does seem like he's trying to pick a fight. I totally, 1,000 percent get how you want him to see your point of view but sometimes it's just not worth the aggravation to keep trying.

Refiner

I guess I'm trying to grasp what has really changed in the last many months that makes you want to keep trying?

unsureoffuture

Hmm, his feeling are his feelings. They are not about anything you did or said or implied etc. It took me a long time to realize I am not responsible for other people's feelings. If he is feeling bad, he himself needs to fix it not you. You are not to blame. You did well by shutting it down. Continue to set boundaries about what behavior you will and will not accept.

Kw0920

Agggg...i know! I guess i see changes..good ones..and not so good ones....and when its good...well its really great....then there are the moments/days like this...which arent easy...does he deserve this effort from me...probably not...but there is a good man in there...

AnvilheadII

but it's not YOUR job to fire up the backhoe and go digging to find that "good man". and really, if there truly was a good man in there, he wouldn't be so hard to find................