Letting go of the small stuff
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Letting go of the small stuff
Letting go is a process. No one can expect to let go of "him" or "her" right out of the gate. Even in healthy relationships we have to allow ourselves to get out of the other person's way.
There is a lot of talk of baby steps and that applies to letting go just like every other aspect of growing and recovering. Baby steps are tiny. When you are holding a baby's hand you have to slow waaaay down.
The first time you try something new it seems foreign. A new software, a new language or a new class at school in advanced quilt making...who knows.
As stupid as it might sound the first thing I actively let go of was telling my family what to wear. It was HARD! I was in still in the "put the best face forward" mode of denial and we were going to look like my yuppie sister-in-law's family if I had to kill them to do it. I KNEW that appearance was everything and how they looked (and acted) reflected directly on me. So was is my job...no it was my life's work...to shop , iron crisply and color coordinate our collective image. Oh the fights! Ward and the Beav were having none of it. Every time we went anywhere we were all pissed at each other. Those were fun times.
So, when I stopped they were suspicious. They were sure that once we were in the car I would start screaming about what slouches they were. Ward refused to get dressed until I laid his cloths out for the longest time.
But after that one change there was also one less fight in my house.
My point?? I wasn't all that trusting in the program early on so this was kind of an experiment for me. The success of that one small first step is what has kept me around as long as I have been.
Is there anything small that you have let go of??
Anything small that you can think of to try this little experiment on?
Have fun with it!!
Hugs,
JT
There is a lot of talk of baby steps and that applies to letting go just like every other aspect of growing and recovering. Baby steps are tiny. When you are holding a baby's hand you have to slow waaaay down.
The first time you try something new it seems foreign. A new software, a new language or a new class at school in advanced quilt making...who knows.
As stupid as it might sound the first thing I actively let go of was telling my family what to wear. It was HARD! I was in still in the "put the best face forward" mode of denial and we were going to look like my yuppie sister-in-law's family if I had to kill them to do it. I KNEW that appearance was everything and how they looked (and acted) reflected directly on me. So was is my job...no it was my life's work...to shop , iron crisply and color coordinate our collective image. Oh the fights! Ward and the Beav were having none of it. Every time we went anywhere we were all pissed at each other. Those were fun times.
So, when I stopped they were suspicious. They were sure that once we were in the car I would start screaming about what slouches they were. Ward refused to get dressed until I laid his cloths out for the longest time.
But after that one change there was also one less fight in my house.
My point?? I wasn't all that trusting in the program early on so this was kind of an experiment for me. The success of that one small first step is what has kept me around as long as I have been.
Is there anything small that you have let go of??
Anything small that you can think of to try this little experiment on?
Have fun with it!!
Hugs,
JT
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
I have big ones too.
1. I quit yelling when he goes to the bar. I do nothing, but say okay.
2. I do not keep track of his spending.
3. I do not call him if he does not call me.
4. I do not tell him to eat, not smoke, not drink, nothing.
5. I do not ask when he is coming home.
6. I quit trying to plan our schedule or what to do.
It is just like I told him too. When I stop yelling and complaining then you have something to worry about. I still love him, but I do not care about his health like I did. I do not want him sick, but if he does get sick then it is his problem. The last couple of times he has been real drunk, it did not bother me a bit. I used to be scared and worry. Nothing now. The only thing that does bother me is that I might do something where he will leave again. I know he will not stay gone, but he used to leave his x all the time. He told me it was because she was jealous and was mean to him. He left me twice and both times it was because I was not worshipping the ground he walked on.
1. I quit yelling when he goes to the bar. I do nothing, but say okay.
2. I do not keep track of his spending.
3. I do not call him if he does not call me.
4. I do not tell him to eat, not smoke, not drink, nothing.
5. I do not ask when he is coming home.
6. I quit trying to plan our schedule or what to do.
It is just like I told him too. When I stop yelling and complaining then you have something to worry about. I still love him, but I do not care about his health like I did. I do not want him sick, but if he does get sick then it is his problem. The last couple of times he has been real drunk, it did not bother me a bit. I used to be scared and worry. Nothing now. The only thing that does bother me is that I might do something where he will leave again. I know he will not stay gone, but he used to leave his x all the time. He told me it was because she was jealous and was mean to him. He left me twice and both times it was because I was not worshipping the ground he walked on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
The first thing I did was let go of the talking about our "situation". I didn't tell myself that I would stop forever. I just told myself I was going to take a break from it. It never accomplished anything.
I found that it was so much easier on my recovery to not have all the confusing quacking going on while I was trying to sort things out. I knew it would be a relief for him but I never knew what a relief it would be for me.
L
I found that it was so much easier on my recovery to not have all the confusing quacking going on while I was trying to sort things out. I knew it would be a relief for him but I never knew what a relief it would be for me.
L
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
The next experiment I tried was leaving when the Beav and Ward would start fighting. I kept my books in my car and got A LOT of reading done during that time or I would go to a meeting. In my area there is a meeting almost every night so 3 or 4 times a week was not uncommon. When I would come home it would be quiet which got me thinking about my part in it.
And Brightlight...living in fear of him leaving is no way to live. You just be yourself...find out who that is. Real relationships go both ways. Everyone deserves to be worshipped a little.
Hugs,
JT
And Brightlight...living in fear of him leaving is no way to live. You just be yourself...find out who that is. Real relationships go both ways. Everyone deserves to be worshipped a little.
Hugs,
JT
Exhaling
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Medway, MA
Posts: 2
letting go
The first thing I have done to let go, is stop talking with my husband about how WE were going to deal with his A mother. I do not want the stress of wondering if I push him to remove her from our lives(and our house)how it will affect our relationship later on. Right now we are on the same page, but I choose to let him decide what is the best way to deal with her. It has relaxed the home greatly. She still irritates me, but I do my best to take care of ME instead of worrying about HER.
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Well done Daisy! When you start paying attention to what belongs to you and what doesn't it has a way of creating a little calm in the storm.
Something you said about the "Stress of wondering..." is so true. When I am tempted to stick my nose in where I shouldn't I often feel like "What do I know??" or "Who do I think I am??" What if something I did made the big picture worse??
Hugs,
JT
Something you said about the "Stress of wondering..." is so true. When I am tempted to stick my nose in where I shouldn't I often feel like "What do I know??" or "Who do I think I am??" What if something I did made the big picture worse??
Hugs,
JT
Guest
Posts: n/a
Lorelai
Did you mean you stopped talking about your situation with your husband.......I have been thinking alot about that lately........isnt it okay just to have different opinions and respect each other for our differences.......
I have let go of telling him what to do......I am letting him make his own choices......
Did you mean you stopped talking about your situation with your husband.......I have been thinking alot about that lately........isnt it okay just to have different opinions and respect each other for our differences.......
I have let go of telling him what to do......I am letting him make his own choices......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
JT - I'm laughing at your post because the clothes thing is one of the first things I let go of too! I realized I was trying to 'normalize' our appearance to people on the outside. And you are so right - it was one less fight and one less stress on everyone! most of all, me!
I'm not there yet, but what I need to do is let go of the 'advice giving'. I seem to think I know how he should fix his problem. He did ask, and told him. But, then I realized I was tyring to control the situation by telling him what he needed to do. I am my own worst enemy at times! So, that's what I will try and get rid of - the advice giving! Thanks for the post!
I'm not there yet, but what I need to do is let go of the 'advice giving'. I seem to think I know how he should fix his problem. He did ask, and told him. But, then I realized I was tyring to control the situation by telling him what he needed to do. I am my own worst enemy at times! So, that's what I will try and get rid of - the advice giving! Thanks for the post!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Before I let go of anything...
I need to let go of "self"
Many times my prayer is... Lord guide me to Your will and if I get in the way...push me out of Your way.
Me, Myself, and I are the 3 people who get in the way to doing what I need do so may times.
It isn't all about me either. I need accept me for who I am. Seek changes in me where changes can be made. Then when I learn to love myself...with that love I can love others and learn to let go.
I need to let go of "self"
Many times my prayer is... Lord guide me to Your will and if I get in the way...push me out of Your way.
Me, Myself, and I are the 3 people who get in the way to doing what I need do so may times.
It isn't all about me either. I need accept me for who I am. Seek changes in me where changes can be made. Then when I learn to love myself...with that love I can love others and learn to let go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
jt-I can relate to what you said. My daughter and I just had that talk today. I told her I was working my program, not questioning her every move, as long as she honored our boundries, and treated us with respect she could come back home. The sad thing is she knows she is an alcoholic and that she needs help but isn't sure she wants it right now. Says there is no young sober people! Hang in there and keep posting, it sure helps
Hugs, frustrated1
Hugs, frustrated1
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Isn't it funny how much of our stories (behaviors) are so a like.
I did the "leave the house" bit. At the end of the first year in alanon I had half a freezer full of bread. but it surely did get me out of the middle of two people who needed to decide whether they wanted a relationship without me in the middle.
I don't know where I got the notion I had to have the answer to everything, I may have been born that way. I love having the knowledge in my head and heart that I don't have to have the answer for anyone ( sometimes even myself) today. It is so great just to say "I don't know, we'll have to wait and see" rather than "I'll fix or die trying."
When I am in someone's else's business I lose so much of my own life one minute at a time. I miss seeing moments of joy in the small things I have been given, especially all of natures wonders. Has anyone looked at the beautifully dressed trees out there yet today? The geese and ducks are gathering to fly south and they make the most wondrous V's in the sky. There's no way I can see the woolybear caterpillars when I am so busy looking for someones else's faults, behaviors, choices, or failings. According to my H.P. plan all of them need to go though all of the consequences of their choices and behaviors to get to where they can find a H.P. of their own.
Good thread JT. Thank you for starting it.
I did the "leave the house" bit. At the end of the first year in alanon I had half a freezer full of bread. but it surely did get me out of the middle of two people who needed to decide whether they wanted a relationship without me in the middle.
I don't know where I got the notion I had to have the answer to everything, I may have been born that way. I love having the knowledge in my head and heart that I don't have to have the answer for anyone ( sometimes even myself) today. It is so great just to say "I don't know, we'll have to wait and see" rather than "I'll fix or die trying."
When I am in someone's else's business I lose so much of my own life one minute at a time. I miss seeing moments of joy in the small things I have been given, especially all of natures wonders. Has anyone looked at the beautifully dressed trees out there yet today? The geese and ducks are gathering to fly south and they make the most wondrous V's in the sky. There's no way I can see the woolybear caterpillars when I am so busy looking for someones else's faults, behaviors, choices, or failings. According to my H.P. plan all of them need to go though all of the consequences of their choices and behaviors to get to where they can find a H.P. of their own.
Good thread JT. Thank you for starting it.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
cwohio,
It's true, where we live with the family disease of alcoholism, our stories are so close in a general way. I think it's why we understand each other and our behaviors so much.
Most of our friends could understand the alcoholics behavior but they certainly could never have understood my sulking, silent treatments nor my need to try to control the uncontrolable, Then when the drinking got really bad, I was already in alanon and was using the tools of the program, some of those same friends couldn't understand why I didn't do something to stop them. Catch 22! I can laugh about it now but at the time I certainly couldn't.
It's true, where we live with the family disease of alcoholism, our stories are so close in a general way. I think it's why we understand each other and our behaviors so much.
Most of our friends could understand the alcoholics behavior but they certainly could never have understood my sulking, silent treatments nor my need to try to control the uncontrolable, Then when the drinking got really bad, I was already in alanon and was using the tools of the program, some of those same friends couldn't understand why I didn't do something to stop them. Catch 22! I can laugh about it now but at the time I certainly couldn't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
daffodil - right - i think people who don't know about al-anon would think that we are being selfish and non-caring by focusing on ourselves, but we know that that's what will really help us in our recovery. thanks! :laugh2:
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: lost in the wilderness
Posts: 4
WOW I never realized until I read these posts that we wives, husbands, sons and daughters of alcoholics become control freaks in our own way. Now I see it's a coping mechanism much like an anorexic. In an out of control world we need to cling to something we can control, but that control is an illusion. As a daughter and now wife (GEEZ ) of A's I am beginning to see a pattern. I've read that there are 3 personalities of the A's children: 1. the person who is caretaker, normalizer, and control freak, 2. the one who must be sicker than the alcoholic to get attention and 3. the one who says "What problem? I don't see a problem". Obviously we are all the#1 type.
COSMIC!
COSMIC!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
