Holiday resentment
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Holiday resentment
Husband comes home and asks me what day would work best to go to his family for the holiday celebration. I told him which day would work best and why. He started arguing my choice. It is so apparent that I really didn't have a choice. That it's going to be the day I'd rather it not be since I want to spend the day with the children. I don't plan to go anyway. This is my first family in law party ive been incited to in two and and half years and I know I will be ignored. They haven't done anything to discuss how I've been treated. I'm suppose to just go to a party with all of them and accept it. It's not like I can even talk to him about it or address it with the in laws. Husband and I have so many relationship issues that he doesn't take the time to deal with.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Didn't you go through the exact same scenario at Thanksgiving? You stayed home, as I recall. Why not do the same thing this time?
And it would probably save yourself a lot of aggravation if you would stop expecting him to consider your feelings. He doesn't, and he won't.
And it would probably save yourself a lot of aggravation if you would stop expecting him to consider your feelings. He doesn't, and he won't.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Your husband doesn't deal with them because why should he?? You my love are living HIS life.
If you don't want to go then don't go. If he wants to go then he can go. I'm sure he can make an excuse for you and the children. Let him figure it out. You already told him which you would prefer, this is YOUR holiday too. Stick to your guns... Just one more thing for him to be annoyed about...whatever.....
( he's trying to intimidate you and you are letting him).
If you don't want to go then don't go. If he wants to go then he can go. I'm sure he can make an excuse for you and the children. Let him figure it out. You already told him which you would prefer, this is YOUR holiday too. Stick to your guns... Just one more thing for him to be annoyed about...whatever.....
( he's trying to intimidate you and you are letting him).
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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It's not about choices. It's about letting go of the resentment and hurt. I just found a wonderful post about letting go in classic reading. I guess I have to do more reading and less venting and asking.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Resentment generally comes from expectations not being met. Why would you have expectations of consideration from someone who abuses you? He's shown you, hasn't he, over and OVER, that he doesn't care how you feel? Maybe it's time to believe him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not about choices.
yes it is......he "asked" you for your choice, you gave it, and he shut it down. he is saying your choice is not valid.
IT IS VALID. a real partner would value and respect your choice, even if it was directly opposed to his choices. then you two would have a discussion, sharing thoughts and ideas. and reaching a mutally agreed upon compromise.
he cannot give you that. he does not see your thoughts, opinions, wants, needs, desires or dreams as valid or relevant.
that is a problem.
yes it is......he "asked" you for your choice, you gave it, and he shut it down. he is saying your choice is not valid.
IT IS VALID. a real partner would value and respect your choice, even if it was directly opposed to his choices. then you two would have a discussion, sharing thoughts and ideas. and reaching a mutally agreed upon compromise.
he cannot give you that. he does not see your thoughts, opinions, wants, needs, desires or dreams as valid or relevant.
that is a problem.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's really difficult, because we have very natural and reasonable expectations of a marriage / partnership. OUR problem is that we keep having those expectations despite being shown they they cannot live up to even the most reasonable ones.
This in a sense is very similar to the alcoholic. They keep doing the same things that cause them pain, but refuse to associate it with their drinking.
We keep having expectations, and trying to get reciprocal respect, understanding and love from someone that does not even respect or love themselves. We refuse to accept that we are trying to drink from an empty cup.
THe process of quitting drinking and repairing the damage and emotional issues that led them there is long and difficult.
It is the same for us - its a new way of thinking. It is detaching from the person that causes us pain. It is relying on only ourselves for our happiness....none of which is intuitive for people like us. Keep posting, venting and asking questions....you will know you are getting better when your posts shift from his misdeeds to all about you. We've all been there - we keep reminding you that your expectations of him are unreasonable based on who he is today because people did it for us, that THAT is what helped us to see our part.
(((HUGS))) the holidays really blow with an alcoholic, I know. But they don't have to. You bail on his family like a bucket in a leaky canoe....and have YOURSELF a great Christmas. You do not need to sacrifice your happiness for him or his family.
This in a sense is very similar to the alcoholic. They keep doing the same things that cause them pain, but refuse to associate it with their drinking.
We keep having expectations, and trying to get reciprocal respect, understanding and love from someone that does not even respect or love themselves. We refuse to accept that we are trying to drink from an empty cup.
THe process of quitting drinking and repairing the damage and emotional issues that led them there is long and difficult.
It is the same for us - its a new way of thinking. It is detaching from the person that causes us pain. It is relying on only ourselves for our happiness....none of which is intuitive for people like us. Keep posting, venting and asking questions....you will know you are getting better when your posts shift from his misdeeds to all about you. We've all been there - we keep reminding you that your expectations of him are unreasonable based on who he is today because people did it for us, that THAT is what helped us to see our part.
(((HUGS))) the holidays really blow with an alcoholic, I know. But they don't have to. You bail on his family like a bucket in a leaky canoe....and have YOURSELF a great Christmas. You do not need to sacrifice your happiness for him or his family.
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