rustynuts

Hello all. I have been through a most harrowing learning experience in life. I have been friends with an alcoholic girl for the past 5 years. Got to know her through work.
You hear about alcoholics and what their like but until you befriend one I don't think you can truly know how horrific their existence is. I was I admit naive when I first got to know her. Thought her drinking was just to get her through rough patches. Then the more I got to know her the more I realised she was actually dependent on alcohol. I don't drink myself so in that sense her consumption was always going to seem stark.
Initially she was very pretty, vibrant personality, great cook, and a great person to have conversation with. We got on famously. But as the years have gone on her looks are shot, her whole life is increasingly revolving around alcohol. She doesn't eat regular meals.
I noticed early on she would panic if she hadn't alcohol in and would watch the clock to make sure she got alcohol in before the supermarket/off license closed. Again this brought it home to me the central position alcohol had in her life.
It gradually dawned on me that she was getting hammered every time she drank. At least two bottles of wine a night or a bottle of vodka. Over time she has started to drink earlier. She has lied habitually and blatantly.
We had our share of bust up over the years but always patched things up. The thing is this time I no longer desire her company. Everytime we had a ding dong before she would get verbally abusive. That escalated this year to where she damaged my personal property and disrespected me in my own home.
I tried my level best to make allowances for her behaviour and to be understanding but it has become too much. I can see now that alcohol runs her life. It has warped her ability to see life in reality. She lives in a cuckoo land. She is now unemployed, lives off her flatmate who's mad about her. She expects to live hard and die young. It is her life and for her to live it as she sees fit.
As I enjoyed her company I did buy her alcohol. Which in hindsight was wrong. I can see now my company meant access to alcohol for her which was the incentive for her. To my shame I was an enabler. When I stopped being an enabler two months ago she lashed out viciously. l was hoping to detach with love but she initiated the parting of ways ruling that possibility out.
I was advised by a recovering alcoholic to run for the hills many times over the years. But I kept seeing her good points and return to the friendship. Now I see only a shell run by alcohol. I don't hate her. Crucially though I no longer feel sorry for her which was my usual downfall in trying to disconnect.
I guess the bottom line is a person has to reach conclusions for themselves the hard way no matter what advice they seek or get. I hope the penny drops for her before its too late. Its been a hellish experience looking back and I have peace now.

I know I am open to criticism on different points but I'm only human and I have learnt alot. Thanks for reading.

Anna

Welcome!

It might help you to remember that alcoholism is a disease and not a character defect. I'm sorry for what you've been through with your friend and I'm glad that you have stepped away. Hopefully she will seek support for herself. You can always check out AlAnon in your area as a support for yourself.

rustynuts

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do appreciate it is an illness and unfortunately a progressive one at that. I certainly wouldn't see it as a character defect but it has overpowered her completely to the point where her company is no longer enjoyable. I think stepping back should prove a sufficient step for me to recover my sense of peace.

NewRomanMan

You're doing the right thing. As much as you may care for someone, you can't do anything about their disease. They have to. All you can really do is take care of yourself, and perhaps you may be able to help her somewhere down the line if she begins to make positive changes as far as her alcoholism is concerned. But for now, your own peace comes first.

tomsteve

glad youre here, rusty.
I say this now and then:
getting away from me/tossing me out of their lives was the greatest decision people that were around me when I was drinking made.
I was only going to drag them down with me.

MLD51

I am in a very similar situation right now, with the added wrinkle of being a recovering alcoholic myself. My friend has not used me to get alcohol, but we used to enable each other in other ways, and I have recently realized I'm still enabling him, by continuing to excuse his rotten behavior when he drinks. I have made the decision in the last couple of days to detach from him. Very hard to do, as he was my best friend and I also have romantic feelings for him. But I can't sit by and watch him continue to do damage to himself, and I can't put up with his behavior toward me while drinking anymore. It's hard, and I didn't want to have to do it, but it's best for both of us. He needs to know he will lose things that are important to him if he keeps going down the road he's going down. Perhaps if your friend begins to lose even more things in her life she will wake up to her alcoholism.

least

It's hard watching a friend self destruct. But you have to save yourself.

rustynuts

Yes it really is. What is truly tragic is she has so much to offer life. She is a great people person. A great cook. Loves animals. All this is put on the back burner because of alcohol. She doesn't see it. Her mother was an alcoholic and she seems resigned to dying young like her. She accepts losing friends like its nothing as long as has her 'best friend' alcohol. I stopped lecturing her a long time ago. Head against the wall stuff. When I got my latest batch of abusive texts off her it helped me disconnect. I was right to stop enabling. I knew the alcoholic in her would lash out. I was prepared and didn't take her nasty messages to heart.
I have had two months of peace and truly am loving it. We hung out alot and in theory there should be a void in my life. In practice there is peace tg.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

CAPTAINZING2000

I was involved with a woman like 20 some years ago. At that time in my life, I wasn't drinking too much and I saw clearly what it was doing to her.
Fast forward a few years later, my drinking had escalated like hers.
Pity, I found myself becoming what I detested about her.

Our insanity is evident to any sober person!!