Smilax

Visited my local walk in clinic today over a sore on my tongue that has been there for 2 weeks or more. To my relief she said it didn't look like anything yet, couldn't feel anything looked normal. Said to come back if it was still hurting in 2 weeks.

With the way I have been treating my body and my family history I of course worried about cancer. And who knows maybe it is still lol.

At any rate I also unloaded on her the fact that I've been really struggling with alcohol and sleeping pills as an addiction. I have already contacted my local government run addiction clinic and had them call me back / left a message. I have since called them back but sadly have heard nothing in about a week but that is not unusual considering how overwhelmed those resources are. Because I have done this and know clearly all the resources available to me I did not reveal my struggles to her in order to seek out more resourced but just so that I could unload this huge weight I have been carrying around with me that I can't tell anyone else about. Luckily she was kind and that helped a lot in its own right.

Despite the fact that I feel better having turned to someone, anyone, in real life, I have not stopped.

So my question is. When does inpatient care start to become worth it. I say this because I feel that inpatient care is not at all cost free. NO ONE in my real life knows how serious my substance abuse has become. My parents know I "struggle" with alcohol and are sympathetic but don't know I've been mixing a minimum of 2 sleeping pills and a bottle of red wine every night for the past month+ and MANY days more, usually some beers. Somehow I manage to still hold down a 40 hrs / week retail assistant manager job, and indeed somehow still manage to be fairly good at it. But the point is that the cost of inpatient care is likely a loss of a LOT of the gains I have made in the past year+ to gain independence and my feeling of self sufficiency from my parents.

I'm 34 but have only very recently moved out of my parents house and started to become an "adult". Even now I am far too enabled by my parents (my mother bought me the apartment I live in) but I have made a LOT of progress in the past several years. For the first time I feel like an adult. And indeed for the first time I AM. I've made good progress in recent times.

However I know that if I am to admit myself into inpatient rehab I will have to write a lot of that progress off. I know that I don't HAVE to tell my friends and family, but knowing who I am I know that I would tell them anyway. Also I know that technically I might not lose my job if I presented it the right way but I also know that I myself could not show my face around work again. So for me inpatient would mean burning a lot of bridges. It's funny because I have a life long history of burning bridges, but I don't think I can emotionally handle doing so again.

Some months ago I tapered off drinking daily and was sober for 8 weeks so I know there is precedence for me being able to stop on my own. But this time I'm abusing a mix of sleeping pills and alcohol so it's more complex, harder to taper. And cold turkey is much worse now. Especially considering I work in retail which is stressful as it is without adding on top of that the holiday season, my social anxiety and the crushing anxiety of trying to quit.

So my question is, when is inpatient rehab worth the shame and loss?

Dee74

When you think you've given every other option a decent go - AA or some other group like Smart, SOS. lifering, rational recovery, Doctor, counseling, sober house - I guess.

do you feel you can say that?

Rehabs not magic - it can give you a head start but if you've not yet determined that drinking is in your past you (or your folks) might be wasting your money.

D

Smilax

No I can't honestly say that I have tried any of those at all lol. I talked to an addiction councillor a number of months back about my issues when they were a little better.

In truth she really touched me to the point where I found it hard to talk to her. Maybe one of the reasons I didn't peruse the weekly meetings that I said I would is that my meetings with her were painful.

Not painful in a bad way. I guess painful in a good way technically. In that I felt she actually felt genuinely sorry for me. And I couldn't deal with that. My parents do to of course, but with them it's always laced with fear and anxiety, somehow her response hit me. In a way that I didn't want to deal with. I say this while drunk right now, which is bad, but I don't think that invalidates what I said above.

At any rate the government run clinic is how I'm most likely to actually really try, they called me back about a week ago+ and left a message. I called her back about 4 days ago. Would be nice to hear a reply but. I know they are busy of course.

Dee74

I was lucky enough to drink enough to get to the point where I was desperate enough to try anything.

A lot of people die before they get to this point.

What do you think keeps you drinking, or otherwise looking to get high, Smilax?

D