HopingForCure

It has been a while since I have posted anything. Particularly because, I am doing well. Really well. I no longer obsess about my Alcoholic Ex or his family (I know I need to change my username). I am working, spending time with friends, exercising. Once in a while I do hear from him. A few weeks ago, he called me saying that he has been 4 months sober and that he just got this amazing job with an amazing firm. And that he is spending time with his mom, dad, his extended family and everything is fine. Then 2 nights ago, he called saying that he has relapsed and lost his job as a result of his drinking. We spoke for 4 hours. Well, it was mainly him sharing his feelings or remorse and guilt and I was listening. I think this is the first time he actually shared his feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. He apologized to me for every lie, yes he listed them one by one. And talked about his AV and how he relapses. Also admitted that childhood abuse was just a cover up and that is not because he became an addict. In fact, He feels privileged for the opportunities in his life and the family support but despite all this he always ends up f*cking it up. Then, for the first time ever, he started crying on the phone and talked about suicidal thoughts. He asked me to promise that I would not share this with anyone. I did not, at first. Then last night, I called to make sure he was ok and he sounded worse. I hung up and called his family and informed them about it, as I no longer wanted to be responsible for anything. I hope he finds the help he needs. I do not know what else I could have done for him. My heart hurts for him but I also feel very detached from him. I guess, I am healed.

hopeful4

Wow. Good for you. Something like that is for his immediate family to help him through, and it's amazing that you see that!

Ariesagain

You sound strong...good for you!

Only concern...four hours? That's a whole lot of time to spend listening to anyone, let alone someone in your rear view mirror? You may be completely resolved here and bravo...I'm just wondering if he isn't going to view this as the door opening a little?

So maybe be ready for that...

firebolt

Good for you for not accepting responsibility for him and his stuff. Its sad, and I hope he gets better....and you are still allowed to hope for a cure Especially when you handle his issues as gracefully as you did!

LexieCat

Sounds like you handled it well. It's also not a bad idea to call 911 if someone is expressing suicidal thoughts. If it's serious, they will take him in for an evaluation and care, if needed. If it's just emotional manipulation, he'll think twice before doing it again.

Smarie78

Agree with Lexie - You handled things very well considering what you were up against. The A in my life does this when he is detoxing and what I have learned lately is that it is a form of manipulation for him. I am sure detoxing is hell and that he does quite literally feel he is dying, but it tends to also be the guilt and shame talking when he says "I feel like everyone would be better off if I weren't around". Instead I say...no, everyone would be better off if your alcoholic behavior was not around.

At any rate, per the advice above - it's always a good idea to call 911 when an actual threat is made, and again, as Lexie said - then you will have truly done all you can and also have the benefit of learning just how legitimate these threats are. Remember, addicts are highly manipulative people and know just how to pull on the heartstrings of those they haven't lost entirely yet.

I am practicing this everyday and learning the difference between real and manipulation.

PhoenixJ

perhaps 'found cure?'. When I started reading this story (I get really involved- these are real people here)I actually starting feeling emotionally concerned that it would finish in one of those tragic co-dependency scenarios- all too real and very, very sad.
BUT YOU DID NOT. So very, very great and awesome and stuff. You HAVE to feel good, proud and happy about you for that.

HopingForCure

Thank you! Thank you!
I cannot thank my SR family enough for helping me get out of a very toxic relationship. To think of it, just 6 months ago, I was losing sleep over whether or not I should marry an alcoholic. And now that I have made my decision of letting him go, I literally sleep like a baby. And seeing my confidence, my friends and family have also accepted my breakup as a blessing.

My only concern is, I hope I did not come in the way of him hitting his rock bottom. He is jobless once again, does not have money and has been drinking and driving on a revoked license...He could have easily gotten into trouble which would have been his rock bottom but now I know his family will take care of things for him.

Smarie78

Just like you hit your bottom, his family may one day hit theirs with him. I kept my A from bottom for over a year trying to protect his job, his home, his phone, his friends, his wallet, etc. , nothing I did could stop him from losing all of the above ...and I spent an entire year trying.

And heck even then, not all who hit bottom come back up. In other words, regardless of what you did and when you did it, there is no way to know that he would have gotten healthy again had you stopped the codependency any earlier. The only person who came in the way of hitting their own bottom and having those peaceful sleeps any sooner, was you ....

We wish we would have stopped the cycle earlier, that we ended the relationship sooner, that we did more for them...that we did less for them...that we never started in the first place. As you get stronger, you will accept that you weathered the storm in the best way you knew how and in the best pace that you had, to move through it. The important thing is that it has not become too late for you (and him). You both have as good a chance to recover today as you had months ago. Whether he decides to quit today or find another enabler through family or a new partner, as you have learned, his life is not in your hands.

Proud of you...thank you for the inspiration. Keep on sleeping like a baby <3

FeelingGreat

Hoping for Cure, crying and opening up may be good signs that alcoholism is costing him more than he's willing to pay. I wouldn't be too concerned that you're "keeping him from his bottom". Not your concern, truly.