What to even title this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 16
What to even title this?
I've spent the last 2 days wanting to post on this board but debating whether I should start a new account or just hold my head high and stick with my original one. I've decided to stick with the original one.
I came here 3 years ago talking about the concerns I had about my husband's drinking and smoking. I got some very good advice but I was also scared about how many of people's stories seemed to end in divorce or worse. Instead of confronting the situation I decided to bury my head in the sand, forwarded all sober recovery emails to my junk folder and tried to pretend that we were somehow different.
Skip forward 3 years and here I am with a 9 month old baby about to move out and leave my husband. I'm saddend that it took me this long to come to my senses and I feel so guilty for bringing my son into this situation.
Things came to a head back in June whilst we were visiting my parents overseas. Husband got black out drunk whilst he was supposed to be looking after the baby and my parents ended up having to take over. There was a big confrontation and husband agreed he was an alcoholic and drug addict and agreed to attend AA on his return.
He did go to AA, for about 2 months before pronouncing he didn't need it. As far as I know he hasn't drunk since but he's not taken any steps to identifying or resolving his issues as to why he does drink. A few weeks ago I started to notice some odd behaviour. Not coming to bed, sleeping in late, popping to the shop and not coming home for 2 hours. All classic signs that he was either drinking or smoking weed again. I found evidence of weed smoking in his shed. I confronted him and of course he denied it all. He said the evidence of smoking in the shed was his brothers. That's a great decision, allowing someone to smoke drugs around you when you've admitted you're an addict.
Anyway, we had our usual argument but this time I knew I was done. It didn't matter if he was or wasn't using, I couldn't trust him and I was done. I told him I wanted to split up and that was that.
We've had an uncomfortable couple of weeks living together whilst I have been trying to find somewhere to live. In this time he's started spending a lot more time in his shed and the smell of weed has permeated. As I'm about to move out and husband wants overnights with our son I said to him that he had to promise not to smoke weed or drink whilst our son was in his care. He agreed, but past form shows that he will tell me whatever I want to hear whilst still doing whatever he wants. As he will be moving in with his mother I felt in the interests of our son's safety I would relay the conversation we had had with her and ask her to maintain this rule in my abscence. She agreed, the safety of her grandson being paramount.
She's obviously brought it up with Husband as I have today received a barrage of text messages about how I should't have said anything to her, I know he wouldn't so it whilst he had our son and that he had only started smoking again because he needed it to deal with things since I had decided to leave him. I explained that he couldn't blame me anymore for his addictions. There are plenty of healthy ways to deal with emotions regarding divorce but he alone chooses to deal with it by smoking drugs.
Despite all this, my stupid idiot brain still questions that I did the right thing and if I should apologise and try to make it up to him. Grrr!!
Anyway, thank you sober recovery for being here and please accept my apologies that I wasn't able to take your advice 3 years ago. I was in a big ole pit of denial. I'm out of that pit now and hopefully out of this toxic relationship too.
I came here 3 years ago talking about the concerns I had about my husband's drinking and smoking. I got some very good advice but I was also scared about how many of people's stories seemed to end in divorce or worse. Instead of confronting the situation I decided to bury my head in the sand, forwarded all sober recovery emails to my junk folder and tried to pretend that we were somehow different.
Skip forward 3 years and here I am with a 9 month old baby about to move out and leave my husband. I'm saddend that it took me this long to come to my senses and I feel so guilty for bringing my son into this situation.
Things came to a head back in June whilst we were visiting my parents overseas. Husband got black out drunk whilst he was supposed to be looking after the baby and my parents ended up having to take over. There was a big confrontation and husband agreed he was an alcoholic and drug addict and agreed to attend AA on his return.
He did go to AA, for about 2 months before pronouncing he didn't need it. As far as I know he hasn't drunk since but he's not taken any steps to identifying or resolving his issues as to why he does drink. A few weeks ago I started to notice some odd behaviour. Not coming to bed, sleeping in late, popping to the shop and not coming home for 2 hours. All classic signs that he was either drinking or smoking weed again. I found evidence of weed smoking in his shed. I confronted him and of course he denied it all. He said the evidence of smoking in the shed was his brothers. That's a great decision, allowing someone to smoke drugs around you when you've admitted you're an addict.
Anyway, we had our usual argument but this time I knew I was done. It didn't matter if he was or wasn't using, I couldn't trust him and I was done. I told him I wanted to split up and that was that.
We've had an uncomfortable couple of weeks living together whilst I have been trying to find somewhere to live. In this time he's started spending a lot more time in his shed and the smell of weed has permeated. As I'm about to move out and husband wants overnights with our son I said to him that he had to promise not to smoke weed or drink whilst our son was in his care. He agreed, but past form shows that he will tell me whatever I want to hear whilst still doing whatever he wants. As he will be moving in with his mother I felt in the interests of our son's safety I would relay the conversation we had had with her and ask her to maintain this rule in my abscence. She agreed, the safety of her grandson being paramount.
She's obviously brought it up with Husband as I have today received a barrage of text messages about how I should't have said anything to her, I know he wouldn't so it whilst he had our son and that he had only started smoking again because he needed it to deal with things since I had decided to leave him. I explained that he couldn't blame me anymore for his addictions. There are plenty of healthy ways to deal with emotions regarding divorce but he alone chooses to deal with it by smoking drugs.
Despite all this, my stupid idiot brain still questions that I did the right thing and if I should apologise and try to make it up to him. Grrr!!
Anyway, thank you sober recovery for being here and please accept my apologies that I wasn't able to take your advice 3 years ago. I was in a big ole pit of denial. I'm out of that pit now and hopefully out of this toxic relationship too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Despite all this, my stupid idiot brain still questions that I did the right thing and if I should apologise and try to make it up to him. Grrr!!
What’s more important here, your soon to be ex’s feelings or the safety of your child.
Now is the time to advocate for the child not cave in to feelings of a high/drunk irresponsible person.
Glad you came back!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning and Welcome Back.....
First things first...
It is what it is so DO NOT beat yourself up about not moving forward sooner. Look at what you've gotten out of the deal, a beautiful baby!
Too bad for your AH that you informed his mother as to what was happening. You concern is your CHILD, that's it. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Maybe if he wasn't who he is you would have had to do that but again it is what it is. He really has two choices there, no? Grow up and get help OR have your mother oversee your visitation.
You are on the right track and you have NOTHING to apologize for. Keep your head up and keep moving forward... And do not doubt yourself for one second!
First things first...
It is what it is so DO NOT beat yourself up about not moving forward sooner. Look at what you've gotten out of the deal, a beautiful baby!
Too bad for your AH that you informed his mother as to what was happening. You concern is your CHILD, that's it. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Maybe if he wasn't who he is you would have had to do that but again it is what it is. He really has two choices there, no? Grow up and get help OR have your mother oversee your visitation.
You are on the right track and you have NOTHING to apologize for. Keep your head up and keep moving forward... And do not doubt yourself for one second!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
never in a billion years feel you have to say your sorry here.. for we all have gone thro it with and without children.. hold this group tight for you will find a balance here a solid footing and good advice. prayers and love ..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Hi. Welcome back, and please don't beat up on yourself. It took me way, way too long (and more than 3 years) to finally come to the realization that I can't continue to be married to an addict. Often there are a series of jarring events that just finally makes us sick and tired. For me, it was my AH bailing on me to drink right before I had surgery last summer. Then, after he allegedly got sober, but started taking too many anxiety pills, he disappeared for a few hours with our son, and I was a frantic mess until I found him. For me that was the "aha" moment where I vowed he can no longer be left alone with our son at any time. I also came to the conclusion that I cannot control the poor choices of a grown adult, but I can darn well control myself and protect my child.
All of us want to believe that the A will shape up and get better and that we should give them chances. If they do shape up, that's great, but it's important not to come to expect it. It's so important for you to take care of yourself and your baby, and it sounds like you're doing a great job at that. Hugs.
All of us want to believe that the A will shape up and get better and that we should give them chances. If they do shape up, that's great, but it's important not to come to expect it. It's so important for you to take care of yourself and your baby, and it sounds like you're doing a great job at that. Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
addicts HATE to be called on their crap......if he had no intention of trying to get away with drinking or smoking pot whenever he chooses, even when his son is in his care, then it would not have mattered what you said to his mother. that you had to ASK him to not consume drugs or alcohol when he has your son is very telling.
let him feel what he feels. think what he thinks. say what he says. you don't have to buy into it, agree with it, or even acknowledge it.
welcome back!
let him feel what he feels. think what he thinks. say what he says. you don't have to buy into it, agree with it, or even acknowledge it.
welcome back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 16
Thank you so much all of you. I know I'm making the right choices now, I need to stand firm by them and not let him manipulate me into a thinking I'm wrong. Another board I post on someone gave me this pearl of wisdom.
"If your addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If your addict is angry at you, you're probably holding strong to your boundaries."
I've written that down in my notebook so I can look at it again when I'm wobbling.
"If your addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If your addict is angry at you, you're probably holding strong to your boundaries."
I've written that down in my notebook so I can look at it again when I'm wobbling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 16
Oh and big step for me, I've arranged for my mum to babysit on Tuesday night so I can go to my first Al-Anon meeting! I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm so ready to start growing as an independent person with her own thoughts and ideas. It feels like a whole new world ahead!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I've spent the last 2 days wanting to post on this board but debating whether I should start a new account or just hold my head high and stick with my original one. I've decided to stick with the original one.
No matter where were at in this process, we deserve pats on the back, and that includes you. Go easy on yourself, be proud, hoping you have a great first meeting, AND - you sound pretty good in a really tough situation!! Post all you need to!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W,
Glad you came back!! I think 3 years ago you weren't ready my friend. You would have never been strong enough to do what you needed to do, so this is perfect timing.
Please don't ever question the protection of your child. You are his advocate and you would never allow him to stay with a babysitter who was drunk and high, there is no difference. Addicts black out all the time and if there was ever a fire, just no exception. I hope you can trust grandma to follow your rules; and who cares that ah is hurt by your comments, what ever!! Just press the ignore button when he engages, he is an addict and will only protect one thing.... his addiction!!
Alanon is a great resource, plus open aa meetings. Do what you need to do to protect you and baby wegle, he is worth every head ache and fight. Hugs my friend, you are ready and you can do this!!
Glad you came back!! I think 3 years ago you weren't ready my friend. You would have never been strong enough to do what you needed to do, so this is perfect timing.
Please don't ever question the protection of your child. You are his advocate and you would never allow him to stay with a babysitter who was drunk and high, there is no difference. Addicts black out all the time and if there was ever a fire, just no exception. I hope you can trust grandma to follow your rules; and who cares that ah is hurt by your comments, what ever!! Just press the ignore button when he engages, he is an addict and will only protect one thing.... his addiction!!
Alanon is a great resource, plus open aa meetings. Do what you need to do to protect you and baby wegle, he is worth every head ache and fight. Hugs my friend, you are ready and you can do this!!
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