What if life is worse than before?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
What if life is worse than before?
So it's been a year and a half since I left my ex and my life is probably actually worse than when I was with him. I've been in therapy since and it's just not changing. I date and none of them compare. My ex was going to give me everything. We wanted the same things, and honestly I feel like I threw it away. He really wasn't that bad. He was going through a really rough patch in his life and I wasn't communicating any of my needs to him. HE really messed up on valentine's day because he got drunk and didn't show up for dinner. After that I just sort of checked out. I regret not discussing how his drinking affected me. At times I even shut down his communication because I felt neglected. I know I have issues so I'm feeling daily overwhelming regret. Every single week I discuss this with my therapist and it won't go away. After we broke up he asked to meet but the day of he told me there was no point in meeting. I regret not expressing how that hurt me. SIx months ago he told me he was going to drop off some stuff he found and once again he just never did. I can objectively look at only these three things and agree it's ****** behavior but I find ways to excuse it. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I have no closure and it's wearing me down. I just want to be happy. Every one around me moves through problems and I feel like I just cut and run without attempting to fix it. I thought I was supposed to feel free? I feel trapped.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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In reading your past posts, it looks to me like he's the one always emotionally checked out and not available (literally AND figuratively). It also seems your feeling "trapped" could have a reason of having your foundation of male relationships always having this issue as they were mostly A's (did I remember correctly- Dad, GF, Brother?). Maybe that could be a topic to explore with your therapist?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ap.....Do I hear some minimilazing? "He wasn't really that bad".
Selective recall tends to do that to us....
Actually, I think that anyone that we attach to and bond with have some good aspects and some attractive qualities...otherwise, why would we bother?
I suggest one of the really good exercises that helps for the selective recall..when we start doubting ourselves....
Make a list of al of the things---the incidents and conflicrs, etc. that hurt you AT THE TIME THEY HAPPENED......list how you felt at the time and the negative consequences for you.....
Carry that list at all times, and read it as many times, each day, as you need to....
Have you ever considered looking into ACOA...Adult Children of alcoholics...in addition to your usual therapist, of course?
Selective recall tends to do that to us....
Actually, I think that anyone that we attach to and bond with have some good aspects and some attractive qualities...otherwise, why would we bother?
I suggest one of the really good exercises that helps for the selective recall..when we start doubting ourselves....
Make a list of al of the things---the incidents and conflicrs, etc. that hurt you AT THE TIME THEY HAPPENED......list how you felt at the time and the negative consequences for you.....
Carry that list at all times, and read it as many times, each day, as you need to....
Have you ever considered looking into ACOA...Adult Children of alcoholics...in addition to your usual therapist, of course?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My ex was going to give me everything
hmmmm.....i'd suggest looking at that statement with a magnifying glass. i agree that with so many other males with addiction problems in your life, that perhaps you thought you could at least get it right with THIS one. but addiction stood in the way, again.
it's also ok to just let it go.........it was for a while, and then it wasn't. relationships end all the time.....long ones, short ones, good ones, bad ones. they just end. there is a lesson for you to learn......maybe a few lessons.
but HE can't fix you. you have now been in a state of grief for as long as the relationship lasted. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with your process, only that you deserve to start finding you way through...........
hmmmm.....i'd suggest looking at that statement with a magnifying glass. i agree that with so many other males with addiction problems in your life, that perhaps you thought you could at least get it right with THIS one. but addiction stood in the way, again.
it's also ok to just let it go.........it was for a while, and then it wasn't. relationships end all the time.....long ones, short ones, good ones, bad ones. they just end. there is a lesson for you to learn......maybe a few lessons.
but HE can't fix you. you have now been in a state of grief for as long as the relationship lasted. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with your process, only that you deserve to start finding you way through...........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I appreciate the responses. Just the action of posting and getting advice lifted my sadness. I really like the list idea. That is actually what led to the end of the relationship. I wrote everything down and I was unable to find any reason to stay. I definitely think my relationship with my father has created my perception of how I should be treated. IT'S so difficult to erase years of feeling like a pawn in someone's life. Thats how I felt with my ex. I used to go to meetings pretty regularly and stopped because I had a short period of relief from these ferlings. I guess it's time to go back.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Hey Ap052183, some folks around here get out of relationships with addicts and feel better within weeks or months. This wasn't me.
I was pretty acutely depressed (on top of undiagnosed chronic depression) for about 3 years. It truly and deeply sucked. I'm not saying that you have another miserable year and a half to go but emphasizing that we all have our own timeline. I too had some childhood wounds that I wanted to fill with the natural disaster of an alcoholic.
Let us know how you get on.
I was pretty acutely depressed (on top of undiagnosed chronic depression) for about 3 years. It truly and deeply sucked. I'm not saying that you have another miserable year and a half to go but emphasizing that we all have our own timeline. I too had some childhood wounds that I wanted to fill with the natural disaster of an alcoholic.
Let us know how you get on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Hey Ap052183, some folks around here get out of relationships with addicts and feel better within weeks or months. This wasn't me.
I was pretty acutely depressed (on top of undiagnosed chronic depression) for about 3 years. It truly and deeply sucked. I'm not saying that you have another miserable year and a half to go but emphasizing that we all have our own timeline. I too had some childhood wounds that I wanted to fill with the natural disaster of an alcoholic.
Let us know how you get on.
I was pretty acutely depressed (on top of undiagnosed chronic depression) for about 3 years. It truly and deeply sucked. I'm not saying that you have another miserable year and a half to go but emphasizing that we all have our own timeline. I too had some childhood wounds that I wanted to fill with the natural disaster of an alcoholic.
Let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
From the ACOA website:
The Laundry List of ACOA traits
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
The Laundry List of ACOA traits
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
From the ACOA website:
The Laundry List of ACOA traits
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
The Laundry List of ACOA traits
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I wasn't communicating any of my needs to him.
I regret not discussing how his drinking affected me. At times I even shut down his communication because I felt neglected. I know I have issues so I'm feeling daily overwhelming regret. Every single week I discuss this with my therapist and it won't go away.
I regret not expressing how that hurt me.
Every one around me moves through problems and I feel like I just cut and run without attempting to fix it.
I regret not discussing how his drinking affected me. At times I even shut down his communication because I felt neglected. I know I have issues so I'm feeling daily overwhelming regret. Every single week I discuss this with my therapist and it won't go away.
I regret not expressing how that hurt me.
Every one around me moves through problems and I feel like I just cut and run without attempting to fix it.
You would not have been made self-aware of these aspects of your personality had you stayed with him and not attended therapy... which means that aside from the obvious problems that his drinking would cause in the relationship, you would still be approaching the relationship from an unhealthy point of view. As a result, things would have continued to sour regardless.
Now, to expand on that, you're talking about behavioral changes on your side that are positive and logical ones. But! The problem with this method of thinking is that a broken relationship dynamic can not be fixed by one person and one person alone. All the logic in the world will not fix an alcoholic partner and make things work well for the rest of your lives. He has to want to change of his own accord, and all the tactical changes in the world on your part can't force him to make that change for himself.
There are an infinite number of possibilities with an infinite number of outcomes. But we live in one timeline, and this is the one that we must concern ourselves with. Self reflection is good, but only so far as applying it to changing the future and not the past.
I'm two years separated now, and I go through varying levels of good and bad days. I still catch myself thinking up those "what if?" scenarios from time to time. And then I make myself remember all the unpleasant times that had nothing to do with my theoretical behavior change, and I realize that it wouldn't have done any good in the long run. The only thing I have the power to change is what I'm doing right now, at this moment in time.
Edit: I forgot to mention - there are a LOT of us on here who -did- communicate to our partners how much their drinking affected us, how much it hurt us. Same thing as above, it didn't do me any good. The best I ever got out of it was insubstantial promises to attempt drinking less, followed by a return to the status quo.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Ap,
What are you doing for you? Are you able to attend ACOA or alanon
meetings? A therapist alone can not get you out of this imho. You
will benefit from going to meetings, best to try at least 3 a week at
first and do it for at least 6 weeks. You're worth it !
_no one_ can give you everything, that is not logical thinking,
saying this gently & with caring.
What are you doing for you? Are you able to attend ACOA or alanon
meetings? A therapist alone can not get you out of this imho. You
will benefit from going to meetings, best to try at least 3 a week at
first and do it for at least 6 weeks. You're worth it !
_no one_ can give you everything, that is not logical thinking,
saying this gently & with caring.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Thomas45
there are a LOT of us on here who -did- communicate to our partners how much their drinking affected us, how much it hurt us. Same thing as above, it didn't do me any good. The best I ever got out of it was insubstantial promises to attempt drinking less, followed by a return to the status quo.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yes, I still have those moments. And XAH is blaming me for not communicating. Or being "checked out".
But in reality of sober world - I did try to communicate but problems were minimized, I was called names, and he ran out of the door pretty much every time I tried to set a boundary. And he lied all the time.
So nope - I tried alright. Nothing I did worked, so I "checked out" and eventually divorced him.
Take care of yourself
But in reality of sober world - I did try to communicate but problems were minimized, I was called names, and he ran out of the door pretty much every time I tried to set a boundary. And he lied all the time.
So nope - I tried alright. Nothing I did worked, so I "checked out" and eventually divorced him.
Take care of yourself
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I feel like I have no closure and it's wearing me down.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi Dandylion,
My therapist suggested something similar to me, and I did this.
I had a quiet weekend and just started writing about what happened, chronologically. I ended up at the end of the weekend with about a 20 page story of what happened.
It was a bit harrowing to write and to think about it all, and I felt emotionally exhausted at the end of the weekend, but I have read it again a few times since, and it is very helpful for me to help me reprocess the reality of what actually happened with my ex.
Originally Posted by dandylion
I suggest one of the really good exercises that helps for the selective recall..when we start doubting ourselves....
Make a list of al of the things---the incidents and conflicrs, etc. that hurt you AT THE TIME THEY HAPPENED......list how you felt at the time and the negative consequences for you.....
Make a list of al of the things---the incidents and conflicrs, etc. that hurt you AT THE TIME THEY HAPPENED......list how you felt at the time and the negative consequences for you.....
I had a quiet weekend and just started writing about what happened, chronologically. I ended up at the end of the weekend with about a 20 page story of what happened.
It was a bit harrowing to write and to think about it all, and I felt emotionally exhausted at the end of the weekend, but I have read it again a few times since, and it is very helpful for me to help me reprocess the reality of what actually happened with my ex.
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