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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Broken Hill NSW
Posts: 17
Lets get started
Today's the day I stop procrastinating, my S.O. has to change or I'm leaving.
I'm working on two hours sleep as our 2 year old son has been vomiting EVERYWHERE since midnight, as sick as can be. And I have a hefty cold too.
My husband? Slept on the couch to avoid our germs as he had a 'very important' motorbike ride to go on this weekend (for fun) (which he's now gone on) and had the audacity to complain bitterly that my cleaning and our sons crying had kept him awake all night.
He's never hit me, or either of his two sons. He constantly threatens to slap them and I know if I ever hit him I'd get ten fold back. If he ever hit one of the boys, I WILL hit him and it will escalate.
I give admin and accounting support to him working for himself as a carpenter. He's the sole provider for our family. Often getting up at 10am or later (hungover) and some days saying "Well it's too late to make a start now".
This leads to him being financially abusive. He tells me to pay the bills (as I handle the accounts for the business and our personal bills) and everytime without fail, he yells at me that I spent too much money and that the customers didn't pay enough. Any money that I do leave (from not paying bills (trying not to get yelled at)) is quickly spent on motorbikes and alcohol.
He drinks everyday without fail and comes home drunk about twice a week. He also smokes pot on "big weekends" and there's usually some stored in the shed.
He's a former smoker and his drinking doubled when he quit smoking. I fear if he stops drinking he might move onto cigarettes or pot as part of having an addictive nature.
His friends area also alcoholics and our town has a heavy drinking culture. Being social is very important to him.
He's also fat (140kg) which bothers him in many ways and he knows he has to stop drinking to lose the weight.
I too used to be a heavy drinker (I used to enjoy drinking with him, as not many people could "keep up" with me like he did). I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) and in hind-sight I was spending my life AMAZINGLY DRUNK.
So yeah, that's us. What do I do? Where do we start? How does it measure up to other peoples F***ed up relationships? Sorry for jumping in an posting straight away but I don't know how long I have to troll the forums before my son wakes up and is sick again.
I'm working on two hours sleep as our 2 year old son has been vomiting EVERYWHERE since midnight, as sick as can be. And I have a hefty cold too.
My husband? Slept on the couch to avoid our germs as he had a 'very important' motorbike ride to go on this weekend (for fun) (which he's now gone on) and had the audacity to complain bitterly that my cleaning and our sons crying had kept him awake all night.
He's never hit me, or either of his two sons. He constantly threatens to slap them and I know if I ever hit him I'd get ten fold back. If he ever hit one of the boys, I WILL hit him and it will escalate.
I give admin and accounting support to him working for himself as a carpenter. He's the sole provider for our family. Often getting up at 10am or later (hungover) and some days saying "Well it's too late to make a start now".
This leads to him being financially abusive. He tells me to pay the bills (as I handle the accounts for the business and our personal bills) and everytime without fail, he yells at me that I spent too much money and that the customers didn't pay enough. Any money that I do leave (from not paying bills (trying not to get yelled at)) is quickly spent on motorbikes and alcohol.
He drinks everyday without fail and comes home drunk about twice a week. He also smokes pot on "big weekends" and there's usually some stored in the shed.
He's a former smoker and his drinking doubled when he quit smoking. I fear if he stops drinking he might move onto cigarettes or pot as part of having an addictive nature.
His friends area also alcoholics and our town has a heavy drinking culture. Being social is very important to him.
He's also fat (140kg) which bothers him in many ways and he knows he has to stop drinking to lose the weight.
I too used to be a heavy drinker (I used to enjoy drinking with him, as not many people could "keep up" with me like he did). I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) and in hind-sight I was spending my life AMAZINGLY DRUNK.
So yeah, that's us. What do I do? Where do we start? How does it measure up to other peoples F***ed up relationships? Sorry for jumping in an posting straight away but I don't know how long I have to troll the forums before my son wakes up and is sick again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome to Sober Recovery, Zenial. Glad you found us. Sorry about the baby, well, not a baby, being sick. That is the worst. It doesn't sound like your life is much fun right now. Do you have support? Friends? Family? I'm going to suggest that, If you haven't yet, , you check out Al-Anon, a support group for friends and family who are troubled by a loved one's drinking. There are meetings everywhere, including online meetings. There you will meet people who are also trying to cope with someone's drinkng. I am sure others will be along to welcome you to the site. I would also suggest you learn as much as you can about alcohol dependency and its effects on families. The "stickies" at the top of the main menu are informative reading. Each journey begins with a single step. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Welcome to the forum.
Yikes, sorry about your situation. It sounds terrible and terribly unfair. He's treating you like crap and is verbally abusive. I don't want to make you more fearful than you need to be, but sometimes verbal abuse and verbal threats do escalate to physical. Sadly, it sounds like the foundation of your relationship was sort of 'built' on drinking (together), a LOT. I am glad you have stopped; good for you and I'm sure you are a good mother!! I admire you for taking the high road when you were pregnant.
I've never been in a relationship in which the boyfriend, SO, or spouse was the sole provider, so it's hard for me to relate to that part of it. My experience has been sort of feeling 'used' at times because of my income and income potential....He has always spent more money on fun stuff than I have and doesn't seem to bat an eye at that but feels sort of entitled...so I've had to draw some boundaries around that issue.
One time I had a boyfriend that seemed to just play around a lot while I worked my tail off....very very hard stressful and demanding work. It just rankled with me and he sort "tried" to be supportive, but really wasn't very supportive. He just didn't get it! He seemed to think it was just fine to take an entire summer "off" and just take a 'break' from everything, play, do fun stuff, be a 'kid', while I worked full time and also OVER-time. yuck. I hated that. He was cute, attractive and fun to go out with at first, but it got old real quick and I grew increasingly resentful. I also lots of girls/women who were his friends and buddies that he did fun stuff with...while I worked. Geez....
One time after knee surgery I was trying to recuperate and take care of my little ones at the same time. Some of the time he was clued in and other times...not so much. One time I really needed him to help me with the 2 year old and he was nowhere to be found, I finally found him outside yacking with the neighbor gal who happened to be really cute. Geez....That rankled too....
Fairness is very important to me. If "things" are unfair, I am not happy. But there is a lot of "unfairness" in life to work through. I've had to "deal" with that and find healthier ways to do so. Please feel free to share more...it's good for you and we understand. I hope your little one will get better soon!!
I feel for ya cuz you've got some major issues going on, which you probably don't need me to point out: He drinks too much, he is abusive, he chooses to 'play' instead of helping you out more and being a present partner. Sure he makes the money, but it sounds like he uses that AGAINST you, which isn't right. He's way overweight which I'm assuming isn't the 'guy' you were first attracted to. That's gotta also put some strain on your relationship.
Okay, that's enough from me. Sorry to ramble. We care and we understand. Hang in there.
Yikes, sorry about your situation. It sounds terrible and terribly unfair. He's treating you like crap and is verbally abusive. I don't want to make you more fearful than you need to be, but sometimes verbal abuse and verbal threats do escalate to physical. Sadly, it sounds like the foundation of your relationship was sort of 'built' on drinking (together), a LOT. I am glad you have stopped; good for you and I'm sure you are a good mother!! I admire you for taking the high road when you were pregnant.
I've never been in a relationship in which the boyfriend, SO, or spouse was the sole provider, so it's hard for me to relate to that part of it. My experience has been sort of feeling 'used' at times because of my income and income potential....He has always spent more money on fun stuff than I have and doesn't seem to bat an eye at that but feels sort of entitled...so I've had to draw some boundaries around that issue.
One time I had a boyfriend that seemed to just play around a lot while I worked my tail off....very very hard stressful and demanding work. It just rankled with me and he sort "tried" to be supportive, but really wasn't very supportive. He just didn't get it! He seemed to think it was just fine to take an entire summer "off" and just take a 'break' from everything, play, do fun stuff, be a 'kid', while I worked full time and also OVER-time. yuck. I hated that. He was cute, attractive and fun to go out with at first, but it got old real quick and I grew increasingly resentful. I also lots of girls/women who were his friends and buddies that he did fun stuff with...while I worked. Geez....
One time after knee surgery I was trying to recuperate and take care of my little ones at the same time. Some of the time he was clued in and other times...not so much. One time I really needed him to help me with the 2 year old and he was nowhere to be found, I finally found him outside yacking with the neighbor gal who happened to be really cute. Geez....That rankled too....
Fairness is very important to me. If "things" are unfair, I am not happy. But there is a lot of "unfairness" in life to work through. I've had to "deal" with that and find healthier ways to do so. Please feel free to share more...it's good for you and we understand. I hope your little one will get better soon!!
I feel for ya cuz you've got some major issues going on, which you probably don't need me to point out: He drinks too much, he is abusive, he chooses to 'play' instead of helping you out more and being a present partner. Sure he makes the money, but it sounds like he uses that AGAINST you, which isn't right. He's way overweight which I'm assuming isn't the 'guy' you were first attracted to. That's gotta also put some strain on your relationship.
Okay, that's enough from me. Sorry to ramble. We care and we understand. Hang in there.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Zenial, it sounds like he's settled into a pattern of selfishness and threats. Slapping the kids, or you, is physical abuse, but threatening to slap them is a way of controlling you-all and is mental abuse.
The drinking is part of the pattern, but financial and mental abuse seems to happen whether he's drinking or not.
There's a lot of support out there if you're looking. You may have family and friends, and there's domestic violence help lines and al-anon.
It's not an ideal atmosphere for your boys who are growing up thinking controlling behaviour is normal.
Would he be open to marriage counselling?
It would be helpful for you to make plans to put some money aside, quietly, and if you can update your job readiness so if you decide to pull the pin, it's feasible to move on.
The drinking is part of the pattern, but financial and mental abuse seems to happen whether he's drinking or not.
There's a lot of support out there if you're looking. You may have family and friends, and there's domestic violence help lines and al-anon.
It's not an ideal atmosphere for your boys who are growing up thinking controlling behaviour is normal.
Would he be open to marriage counselling?
It would be helpful for you to make plans to put some money aside, quietly, and if you can update your job readiness so if you decide to pull the pin, it's feasible to move on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Zenial, and welcome to SR. There's a lot of information and support here, and I hope you find what you're looking for. You are NOT alone, and I think you'll find a lot of people's stories and experiences here will resonate w/you. Don't worry about "jumping right in and posting"--some folks do lurk for a while, but I posted as soon as I found the place too.
A good way to get started here is to read as much as possible, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This thread might be a good place to begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Do you have any reason to believe he WILL change? Does he show any interest in changing? From what you've described, he's probably pretty happy w/the status quo. He keeps the family in line w/threats, drinks as he pleases, and has you to handle his responsibilities and insulate him from the consequences of his actions. Why would he want to change?
Many of us here have felt sure that our A's would see the light when faced w/losing their families. Usually that didn't happen.
You say you'll leave--is that feasible? Do you have a job other than being his bookkeeper? Do you have a place to go? Also, you referred to him as your S.O. at one point and as your husband at another. The process will be different for divorcing vs kicking out someone who you are not legally tied to.
Again, do as much reading here as you can. Look into Alanon for some face-to-face support (many groups have child care available for a dollar or two during the meeting). Start thinking about what your options are. You almost certainly will not be able to change your A, but you most definitely can change your own life and put your children in a much safer and healthier place.
I hope to hear more from you in days to come. Keep reading, keep posting, and remember that everyone here "gets it."
A good way to get started here is to read as much as possible, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This thread might be a good place to begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Today's the day I stop procrastinating, my S.O. has to change or I'm leaving.
Many of us here have felt sure that our A's would see the light when faced w/losing their families. Usually that didn't happen.
You say you'll leave--is that feasible? Do you have a job other than being his bookkeeper? Do you have a place to go? Also, you referred to him as your S.O. at one point and as your husband at another. The process will be different for divorcing vs kicking out someone who you are not legally tied to.
Again, do as much reading here as you can. Look into Alanon for some face-to-face support (many groups have child care available for a dollar or two during the meeting). Start thinking about what your options are. You almost certainly will not be able to change your A, but you most definitely can change your own life and put your children in a much safer and healthier place.
I hope to hear more from you in days to come. Keep reading, keep posting, and remember that everyone here "gets it."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Yes, as was posted above we get it. To varying degrees. Some of us have not been physically abused. But mental abuse and NEGLECT are just as bad. YOUR needs are not being met, except that being a mother does meet one of your needs...But he is even undermining that! Instead of supporting you and praising you for the good you do, he is not just undermining it, he is putting you down, being impatient and sounds like he just wants you to keep the kids out of his hair so he can continue to be super selfish and not engaged....how crummy!
If you want to and need to get away from this man, you need empowerment. Alanon is a superb idea. And if he doesn't want you to do even that, too frickin' bad. You gotta do what is best for yourself and your kids. There are so many spouses who have gotten away from a toxic, caustic, abusive person. Sure it's nice to have a man who will provide all the money, but only if he also treats you right, sister-friend.
You do not need to put up with bad treatment.
Keep coming back here. The folks here really know their stuff!!
One step at a time. If he is WILLING to change, that could make all the difference! But you won't find that out until you try. One step at a time. Like, for today do something nice for yourself that makes you feel good, whatever that may be. Keep doing good things for yourself and every single time you do that, it grows and empowers you....
If you want to and need to get away from this man, you need empowerment. Alanon is a superb idea. And if he doesn't want you to do even that, too frickin' bad. You gotta do what is best for yourself and your kids. There are so many spouses who have gotten away from a toxic, caustic, abusive person. Sure it's nice to have a man who will provide all the money, but only if he also treats you right, sister-friend.
You do not need to put up with bad treatment.
Keep coming back here. The folks here really know their stuff!!
One step at a time. If he is WILLING to change, that could make all the difference! But you won't find that out until you try. One step at a time. Like, for today do something nice for yourself that makes you feel good, whatever that may be. Keep doing good things for yourself and every single time you do that, it grows and empowers you....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Broken Hill NSW
Posts: 17
It's four days later and my son and I are feeling much healthier.
My significant other (not husband, I should have been clear above) is out at his mid-week binge. And I drove him there I know I shouldn't enable him by any means but I don't know how to NOT enable him. He said if I didn't drive him he'd get a taxi. (At least he's not drink driving? Silver lining?) I'm so spineless, I never feel like I win any arguments with him so I avoid them if at all possible.
On which note, I've booked us a family Drs. appointment with our GP. It's for Tuesday next week and my 'plan' is to lure him into the Drs office and then confront him on his alcoholism. By the idea that the doctor could assess his drinking in Q&A and take his blood pressure.... check his liver? Some form of medical proof and qualified persons advice to tell him first hand what he's doing to himself - what he's doing to us. This could go two ways. A) he admits he's an alcoholic and it's the first step to getting help B) he goes wild and storms out and I face him at home later after he's had a few hours to cool off... Is this a terrible plan? It feels pretty flawed.
After this, the back up plan is relationship counseling. You see the trend here that I feel I need a third party professional in the room before I talk to him.
I know promises don't mean much, but I wanted to see if he'd shown any remorse from how he up and left us on the weekend. I asked "Can you promise me you'll be there if I say I need help? That you won't up and leave like you did on Saturday morning?" His response was "Just don't get sick when trail bike rides are on. I'll chain you up in the kitchen the week before so you can't go out collecting germs". He can't ever say anything genuine, no matter how sincere I might be... And always with some form of threat.
This is something I think always happens, but I only notice when I'm fed up with him to analyses it? He says "You're hearing things" "You're just tired" "You don't like that anyway" constantly trying to tell me how I feel. The other night I replied "That's right dear, I'm just a psychopath".
There's no alanon here in remote NSW Australia. Is there a popular chat room online I could use? I'm going to check in with Lifeline here and see if there are any services around.
I don't know how to start "helping myself". The most I do in that regard is taking my boy to playgroups. It just makes that 2 hours of my day easier to make small talk with out mothers and sit with a cuppa while the kids entertain themselves.
Oh support network: my mother lives in the UK, my brother lives in Sydney and locally I have a housebound grandmother who refuses to go into a nursing home and needs my help (can't feed herself) and suffers severe depression and my father is here and helps my grandmother everyday. My last friend has become distant as she's moving away at the end of the year and I've tried to force new friendships and meet new people but it's not happening.
Thanks for all your support. You guys ROCK! I've been luring this forum frequently, I'd never have guessed so much knowledge could be in one place.
Sorry the post ended up long winded, I've been thinking it up for three days.
My significant other (not husband, I should have been clear above) is out at his mid-week binge. And I drove him there I know I shouldn't enable him by any means but I don't know how to NOT enable him. He said if I didn't drive him he'd get a taxi. (At least he's not drink driving? Silver lining?) I'm so spineless, I never feel like I win any arguments with him so I avoid them if at all possible.
On which note, I've booked us a family Drs. appointment with our GP. It's for Tuesday next week and my 'plan' is to lure him into the Drs office and then confront him on his alcoholism. By the idea that the doctor could assess his drinking in Q&A and take his blood pressure.... check his liver? Some form of medical proof and qualified persons advice to tell him first hand what he's doing to himself - what he's doing to us. This could go two ways. A) he admits he's an alcoholic and it's the first step to getting help B) he goes wild and storms out and I face him at home later after he's had a few hours to cool off... Is this a terrible plan? It feels pretty flawed.
After this, the back up plan is relationship counseling. You see the trend here that I feel I need a third party professional in the room before I talk to him.
I know promises don't mean much, but I wanted to see if he'd shown any remorse from how he up and left us on the weekend. I asked "Can you promise me you'll be there if I say I need help? That you won't up and leave like you did on Saturday morning?" His response was "Just don't get sick when trail bike rides are on. I'll chain you up in the kitchen the week before so you can't go out collecting germs". He can't ever say anything genuine, no matter how sincere I might be... And always with some form of threat.
This is something I think always happens, but I only notice when I'm fed up with him to analyses it? He says "You're hearing things" "You're just tired" "You don't like that anyway" constantly trying to tell me how I feel. The other night I replied "That's right dear, I'm just a psychopath".
There's no alanon here in remote NSW Australia. Is there a popular chat room online I could use? I'm going to check in with Lifeline here and see if there are any services around.
I don't know how to start "helping myself". The most I do in that regard is taking my boy to playgroups. It just makes that 2 hours of my day easier to make small talk with out mothers and sit with a cuppa while the kids entertain themselves.
Oh support network: my mother lives in the UK, my brother lives in Sydney and locally I have a housebound grandmother who refuses to go into a nursing home and needs my help (can't feed herself) and suffers severe depression and my father is here and helps my grandmother everyday. My last friend has become distant as she's moving away at the end of the year and I've tried to force new friendships and meet new people but it's not happening.
Thanks for all your support. You guys ROCK! I've been luring this forum frequently, I'd never have guessed so much knowledge could be in one place.
Sorry the post ended up long winded, I've been thinking it up for three days.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
First. You are not alone. There are many posters to this site who have been or are just where you are. Lots and lots of strength, hope and experience here. Keep coming back. Second: sorry if I am repeating my or another's post, but the literature about alcohol dependency and families, noted as "stickies" at the beginning of the site's main menu, have lots of good info. If you haven't already checked them out, please do. Third: Al-Anon has an online presence. Might be worth looking at that. Fourth: you sound pretty fed up, which is understandable. You and your family are not in a good place right now. Just breathe. You don't have to figure everything out this minute. Seek support wherever you can find it. Having support is huge in situations like yours! Your SO is messed up by drink and his own head. Keep your children and you as safe as you can. Can't really speak to the doctor confrontation plan, other than to agree with you that it appears flawed. Could have nasty ramifications. Good luck.
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