Still here at 4 months to the day (of being released)
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Still here at 4 months to the day (of being released)
October 11th marked four months to the day of admission to the hospital (and obviously, the cessation of drinking, whether I wanted that to happen or not). But today is another anniversary of sorts--the day I came home from the hospital. I have mixed feelings about that day. I haven't picked up since then, and the further I get away from it (I think?) the stronger I am--I don't know. Maybe that will fool me into thinking I can pick up. Last time, I nearly died and got myself into so much trouble with relationships. June 19th, Father's Day, was also the day my husband told me he was leaving me. Now it makes sense why no one really visited me in the hospital all week (which I think is super lame because he could have at least brought my youngest who wasn't aware of the full extent of things. Other two were spitfire mad).
He didn't leave. I begged. It's been four months. The relationship is strained, but I've changed. When I first got out, I was very needy and deathly afraid of being alone. In the past few months, I've resolved not to walk on eggshells anymore. He's never been patient with the alcoholism and has no sympathy for what went on and has been zero part of my recovery. I think he reasons with himself that it's fine because I was hell for a few years. Anyway, I've built a better me, and the last (and perhaps only) time we had a big fight, post-hospital, he stormed out of the house. It was his fault. Really. I would tell you if it was mine since I'm not interested in currying favor with anyone
Storming out of the house in defiance became his M.O. in my last drunken days. To be honest (once again, I'm not trying to fool anyone), some of it was unjustified and he was turning into an angry bully (one, admittedly, I'd created). When he did this again a few weeks back, I simply let him leave (before I'd run to the door, block it, chase him, get our kid in the middle). But, maybe you will disagree with what I did this time (the sober time), I did not play nice afterwards. I'm regretful for what I've done, but he was clearly in the wrong this time. I live with the guilt every day, but I will not live in the shadow of that life and made to feel like I'm glutton for punishment. I admit my wrongdoings, don't try to justify or excuse them, but I'm not going to constantly be reminded, even if not verbally, through other cues.
So, when he left, I texted him and said, "You can run off and pout all you want. Things are different now. I'm not begging for you; do us the dignity of returning the car so we can go shopping" (We were sharing a car that weekend for a number of reasons).
So, I really didn't come here to say all that, but after reading and responding to another thread, I felt like talking about that angle of recovery. I've been wanting to stop in for some time now. Other times I've gone AWOL, it's usually because I've started drinking again. Temptations have come and gone, the biggest being first time social gatherings with folks I used to drink with (no, I didn't have a circle of friends who partied--more of a circle of professional friends that we'd see 2x a year at conferences and share in the merriment that booze creates). My first few sporting events were hard, especially because I was at the exact same ones sans the booze. I suppose Christmas will be as well. So will my first flight without alcohol. That's coming up. I need something as I don't fly well. I've also become less paranoid and anxious, so maybe it will go well.
In any case, so that's a slight update. I am also a little disappointed. This all went on (hospital, etc.) when I off work. Since going back, I realize I'm every bit as successful as I was. This isn't meant to brag--it's mean to vent, as in "why bother". Of course I know why to bother, but it's just strange. In fact, I multi-tasked better before and was quicker to the trigger (which is important in my field). On the other hand, my personal relationships have improved dramatically, or, at least they are on the mend. This is my longest time sober in about 8 years. Oh, and I did pass the tests of what caused me to drink during my first time out of the hospital (18 months ago): my husband had gotten me so angry that I turned to drinking. I've been all over the spectrum this time--scared, beyond angry, nervous, anxious, etc., but I've been able to push through. I don't like sanctimony, at all, but I'm being honest and saying I didn't even contemplate it. It's not because I'm superwoman/in total control, but this last I was in a super bad way, all over, except in my professional life which is the exact same--the latter is somewhat frustrating. I expected more productivity in the aftermath. It's not that I am lazy, but I feel I could do more.
He didn't leave. I begged. It's been four months. The relationship is strained, but I've changed. When I first got out, I was very needy and deathly afraid of being alone. In the past few months, I've resolved not to walk on eggshells anymore. He's never been patient with the alcoholism and has no sympathy for what went on and has been zero part of my recovery. I think he reasons with himself that it's fine because I was hell for a few years. Anyway, I've built a better me, and the last (and perhaps only) time we had a big fight, post-hospital, he stormed out of the house. It was his fault. Really. I would tell you if it was mine since I'm not interested in currying favor with anyone
Storming out of the house in defiance became his M.O. in my last drunken days. To be honest (once again, I'm not trying to fool anyone), some of it was unjustified and he was turning into an angry bully (one, admittedly, I'd created). When he did this again a few weeks back, I simply let him leave (before I'd run to the door, block it, chase him, get our kid in the middle). But, maybe you will disagree with what I did this time (the sober time), I did not play nice afterwards. I'm regretful for what I've done, but he was clearly in the wrong this time. I live with the guilt every day, but I will not live in the shadow of that life and made to feel like I'm glutton for punishment. I admit my wrongdoings, don't try to justify or excuse them, but I'm not going to constantly be reminded, even if not verbally, through other cues.
So, when he left, I texted him and said, "You can run off and pout all you want. Things are different now. I'm not begging for you; do us the dignity of returning the car so we can go shopping" (We were sharing a car that weekend for a number of reasons).
So, I really didn't come here to say all that, but after reading and responding to another thread, I felt like talking about that angle of recovery. I've been wanting to stop in for some time now. Other times I've gone AWOL, it's usually because I've started drinking again. Temptations have come and gone, the biggest being first time social gatherings with folks I used to drink with (no, I didn't have a circle of friends who partied--more of a circle of professional friends that we'd see 2x a year at conferences and share in the merriment that booze creates). My first few sporting events were hard, especially because I was at the exact same ones sans the booze. I suppose Christmas will be as well. So will my first flight without alcohol. That's coming up. I need something as I don't fly well. I've also become less paranoid and anxious, so maybe it will go well.
In any case, so that's a slight update. I am also a little disappointed. This all went on (hospital, etc.) when I off work. Since going back, I realize I'm every bit as successful as I was. This isn't meant to brag--it's mean to vent, as in "why bother". Of course I know why to bother, but it's just strange. In fact, I multi-tasked better before and was quicker to the trigger (which is important in my field). On the other hand, my personal relationships have improved dramatically, or, at least they are on the mend. This is my longest time sober in about 8 years. Oh, and I did pass the tests of what caused me to drink during my first time out of the hospital (18 months ago): my husband had gotten me so angry that I turned to drinking. I've been all over the spectrum this time--scared, beyond angry, nervous, anxious, etc., but I've been able to push through. I don't like sanctimony, at all, but I'm being honest and saying I didn't even contemplate it. It's not because I'm superwoman/in total control, but this last I was in a super bad way, all over, except in my professional life which is the exact same--the latter is somewhat frustrating. I expected more productivity in the aftermath. It's not that I am lazy, but I feel I could do more.
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