3littlebirds

I am really struggling right now, I am at work and I am trying so hard to hold back the tears.

I have been working on myself and I've been doing pretty great since AH works out of town so I've had a lot of time to myself. We have been getting along really great. Until right now and it is taking all of my strength not to tell him to go to h***.

He told me about an event that he knew I would want to go to. It's in the town that he is working in so I was going to make the 2 hour drive so we could go to it. Well today he texts me and says he is sick of staying up there so he wants to come home for the weekend. My heart dropped. I was so angry that he told me about the event and we planned on going and then because he is sick of being up there it's all called off. I told him that I was sick of taking care of the house and dogs and I wanted to get away. I asked if there was some sort of compromise. He said "Know what, I don't even care whatever".
I told him that I would find something to do and he could come along if he wanted if not no big deal. Then he said ok but he doesn't want to be driving all weekend. Translation we won't do anything because he doesn't want to drive anywhere.

This is a big deal and I am so hurt. Everything is about him and how he feels and what he wants. He is so selfish! I don't want to be in a relationship where we don't do anything together. I don't want to do things alone if that was the case I wouldn't have gotten married. He is miserable and just wants to work in the garage or lay on the couch and watch cops and of course drink beer.

I'm so brokenhearted.

honeypig

3littlebirds, this^^ is life with an active A. It's all about him/her and the addiction. You take a distant 2nd place to that (if you're lucky). Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You say you've "been getting along really great" at the beginning of your post. But what you describe later on is hardly "getting along great", at least in my opinion. It seems that you get along as long as he's not there, but when he is there and reality sets in, it's not nearly as wonderful as you had remembered/imagined/pretended--would that be a more accurate description? (Yes, guilty myself of romanticizing things w/XAH and then being let down when reality intruded...)

You also mention you've been "working on yourself"--could I ask you to clarify that? Does it mean you're working on detachment (unfortunately not workable as a long-term solution, from what I've seen)? Does it mean that you are thinking that somehow you can make the marriage be what you want it to be, if only you work at it hard enough? Littlebirds, one person alone cannot make a marriage work--it is a partnership, or it is nothing, and an active A is simply not able to be a full partner.

I'm sorry for your pain, disappointment and loneliness. But now I'm going to say the great SR refrain: "What are you doing FOR YOURSELF?" You can't make him be anything but what he is, but you CAN make your own life as sweet as you want it to be.

((((hugs)))) littlebirds.

atalose

Yeah it stinks, but that is life when we chose to remain with an alcoholic. I agree with Honeypig that the getting along part is because you really are not together in the day to day sense. It should be pretty easy to be a happy couple for the 2 days over a weekend, but it doesn’t sound like he is much into the “coupling” thing.

See, on those 2 days he is out of what has become his normal to drink when he wants, do as he wants and not have to answer to anybody. You on the other hand are trying to spin the happy couple being together doing things together and enjoying each other company. Polar opposites.

You gotta remember that alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger, drugs are a drug addict’s trigger and “relationships” are a codependents trigger.

How are you doing with that codependency issue? What have you been doing for you?

3littlebirds

I was living in denial that because I was changing that he would change.
This was the first argument we have had in awhile. You are right things are great when he's not here.

I have been reading as much as I can about alcoholism and codependency. I have been trying to be more aware of my own codependency. I know I need to get into counseling, but I am trying to get help for my son first and then I will get an appt for myself. I am trying to go through our EAP at work and it's been difficult to find one in network. I have been working on detachment and it just makes me realize that's not how I want to live my life. Does it make it easier...yes but that doesn't mean I want to be alone in my marriage which is what detachment feels like to me. I guess I did think that if I change things will get better. It's funny I used to think that it was all him, and I was "perfect" now I see it's not that way, but even if I work on me where does that leave me? A healthy well adjusted person in a one way relationship?

I do a lot for myself materialistically, but I could definitely do some work on myself emotionally. I still need to do a lot of work on becoming my own person, but it's so hard to know how to do that after so long.

Wisconsin

3littlebirds, as someone who also had a lot of time away from her alcoholic husband while he worked out of town for a year, I can say that the time apart really helped me focus on my own recovery. It *also* showed me that detachment is not a long-term coping mechanism for living with an active addict. It is a short- and medium-term tool to use so you can clear your head and decide how you really want to live and what your boundaries are. That year apart, where we only saw each other one weekend every 4-6 weeks, did so much for me personally. When he was finally back in town for good, it was literally only a matter of weeks before I could just *tell* that I could no longer live with active addiction. I started my exit plan right then, and got out almost a full year later after much preparation and help.

3littlebirds

Nope he is not and for the longest time I have dealt with it, but I don't want to settle. I want to live life and have fun. He complains he is tired from work...well funny we all are and people manage to work a lot more hours than he does and they do more than watch cops!

I never thought about it like that. You're right! And yes I try to make our marriage work and he doesn't seem to care. He says he does but his actions prove otherwise.

3littlebirds

Last month he came home for a week and it was so hard. I thought maybe it was just because we had to adjust to each other, but deep down I think I know the truth. I think it's over and I think I have had enough of it. Notice how I say I think lol typical codie...can't make any definitive statements.

Do you mind me asking how long you were together and how you got out?

AnvilheadII

while i understand you not appreciating having to go do stuff on your own when you aren't a single person, i DO think we all stand to benefit from making sure that we remember HOW to do stuff on our own, or at least without our partner in tow. i think it is healthy for couples to have activities that do not require the other party in order to occur.

that being said, the baseline here is him being home on the couch watching cops, drinking beer. no matter what is planned.

cops. seriously? that show is still on? to each his own i guess.

this isn't about you liking opera and him liking sports - this is about his priorities and yours............

i still think you should go on your own lil mini-vacation getaway this weekend.....get some you time. see something new, or revisit something old. watch the turn of the seasons on display....the Universe letting us know that everything changes.

dandylion

3littlebirds....you might hit up an alanon meeting...it is free.....
Alanon plus therapy is the recipe that many of the members, here, have used....

Nata1980

You can do fun things all by yourself, 3littlebirds. Girls night out? Trail hike? Sounds more fun than going to an event with volatile alcoholic, IMO

3littlebirds

The most I can manage to do on my own is shop. I can't go to a movie, or anything like that alone.

Cops or any crime show actually. I loathe them, I honestly don't know how he can watch it!

I want to go away by myself, but I can't even imagine the drama that would cause. He would accuse me of cheating on him. Putting all of this into words makes me wonder why I am still with him.

3littlebirds

BTW I just found an alanon meeting at 6:30 only 5 minutes from my house. Honestly l don't want to go, I don't want this to be real and if I go it will be more real to me than me just reading about it.

AnvilheadII

can't - won't - or just haven't done so yet?

it is real, bird. you pretending it isn't won't help you long term. best to just rip that bandaid off and get to it. big girl panties and all that! you got us with you.

as for him accusing of you of cheating......pfft.

baby steps.

Kboys

This was my problem too. There were so many times I would have liked to go do something by myself or with friends, without him... but I just didn't feel it was worth coming home to his angry accusations.

It's no way to live!!

firebolt

Step 1 is acceptance. Acceptance is the hardest part.

That isn't some old random funny cliche.

It is truth. For the alcoholic, and for us. <3 Do something nice for yourself and get to that meeting. It'll be more beneficial than going out and buying new shoes. Promise. And that is coming from Imelda Marcos incarnate.

3littlebirds

I just bought 2 new pairs of boots last weekend...felt good for a few minutes lol. I'm making dinner and going to head out the door to the meeting. I'll let you know how it goes.

3littlebirds

I went to the meeting last night which was a huge step for me. I have thought about going hundreds of times before but never had the courage. I don't know how I feel about it. I struggle with religion so talking about HP was not something I could relate to. I did get a little encouragement from it, but I felt like there should have been more to it. I am going to go to another one tonight and see how this one goes.

After the meeting my husband called me and I told him that I was disappointed that we wouldn't be going to the event, but I understood that he wanted to be home to see the dogs, kids and grandbabies. He just kept rambling on and on about why he wanted to come home and how the event wasn't going to be that great anyway and blah blah blah. I finally got sick of listening to him and I told him ok you don't need to keep justifying why you want to come home I get it. He got so mad at me and just said garbage that didn't make any sense whatsoever. I told him I wasn't going to listen to that and to have a goodnight and good bye. He got so pissed, but I just hung up. I haven't heard from him since then.
I know when I start healing and putting myself first he is going to go nuts he is going to make me feel selfish and like I am a horrible person. He is going to push all of my buttons and say what he thinks will put me back in line. I don't look forward to this...I have done it so many times before and I don't know if I will be strong enough this time.

Wisconsin

At the time I actually left, we had been together for 7 years and married for 6 years.

I had a lot of support and help from friends and family, but it still took me a full year to get my financial life in order and get my head and heart fully in the place of being ready to go. I had to buy myself a reliable vehicle. I had to find an apartment that would accept my crappy credit AND my dog. I had to pull together the money to catch us up on rent at our marital rental home, as well as a deposit on a new apartment, as well as pay down a HUGE utility balance before the utility company would agree to move my service and put the service at the marital home in STBXAH's name.

I also got lucky--STBXAH could have made it very difficult for me to leave by filing for divorce once he knew of my plan and getting a court order preventing me from leaving the marital home with our son without a parenting agreement in place. He did not put up much of a fight at all about me leaving, but that was with my assurances that we would parent our son cooperatively.

dandylion

3litlebirds....perhaps you have never considered the strength it takes to live for years in a relationship with a controlling person....how hard it is to never feel that your wants needs, and opinions are treated on an equal basis.

Also, perhaps you are not aware, as much as you need to be, of how liberating it can feel when you start cutting those ropes that hold you back...and what it really feels like to take back your own power.....
For me it felt like someone open the birdcage door and I flew free.....free.....

3littlebirds

I went to my second al anon meeting last night, that alone is a huge step for me but I also shared. I was probably one of the hardest things I've done. It was hard to speak in front of complete strangers and on top of that I cried and it was difficult to get through it. It felt great to speak the words out loud especially to people that understand exactly what I am going through. I can't thank all the people here enough that encourage "taking care of yourself". If I could I would go to a meeting every night.

My husband is a lot less excited about my new found love of al anon. When I told him I was at another meeting he told me that "this all seems too familiar, I hope it works out for you. Just a gut feeling." Whatever that means... I know I should just take it one day at a time, but I am so nervous of how this is all going to play out. I don't want to rock the boat and fight, but I need to take care of me.