New and looking for advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
New and looking for advice
Hi all. A little bit about my reasons for coming here...
I have a 24-year-old son, an Army veteran who was injured in Afghaistan and discharged for medical reasons. The army was his life and he got very depressed after leaving. He moved home for a while and got a job but that didn't last long. After a while we found out he was using painkiller pills in dosages way beyond what he was prescribed (we found out because he was trying to use the same prescriptions in different places). We confronted him and asked that he gets help... son chose to leave our home and move to the other side of the country.
We didn't have much contact since then and in the past few weeks, no contact at all. We offered therapy, outpatient programs and rehab but he said he doesn't want to go to treatment. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't want to go because he considers it to be weakness. I found some of his friends (the non-druggie ones) because he wouldn't take my calls and I had to know he's safe and they said he's on heroin now.
What can I do? I know you can't force an addict to quit, they have to reach that point on their own. I know he's choosing the easy way out to deal with his depression. What do I do? I can't sleep and Ican't do a lot of thethings I used to do because I keep panicking and imagining the worst.
Any advice you can give will help. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have a 24-year-old son, an Army veteran who was injured in Afghaistan and discharged for medical reasons. The army was his life and he got very depressed after leaving. He moved home for a while and got a job but that didn't last long. After a while we found out he was using painkiller pills in dosages way beyond what he was prescribed (we found out because he was trying to use the same prescriptions in different places). We confronted him and asked that he gets help... son chose to leave our home and move to the other side of the country.
We didn't have much contact since then and in the past few weeks, no contact at all. We offered therapy, outpatient programs and rehab but he said he doesn't want to go to treatment. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't want to go because he considers it to be weakness. I found some of his friends (the non-druggie ones) because he wouldn't take my calls and I had to know he's safe and they said he's on heroin now.
What can I do? I know you can't force an addict to quit, they have to reach that point on their own. I know he's choosing the easy way out to deal with his depression. What do I do? I can't sleep and Ican't do a lot of thethings I used to do because I keep panicking and imagining the worst.
Any advice you can give will help. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lovemyson101,
We're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be. You have found a good place filled with kindred souls. Read the stickies and post whenever you feel like it.
The unfortunate answer is --- there is basically nothing that you can do to "cure" your son. His progression from pain pills to heroin is a story shared by many, it is caused by simple economics - heroin is cheaper.
Meanwhile, you need to work on you and find some peace for yourself. I suggest that you find some local support groups like Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoA, Celebrate Recovery or a similar group where you will be able to talk freely, face to face with others who share your circumstances. If nothing else, in those rooms you will discover that you are not alone and your troubles are not unique. These groups can become your second family, perhaps even more intimate and open than your real family.
Keep coming back,
Jim
We're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be. You have found a good place filled with kindred souls. Read the stickies and post whenever you feel like it.
The unfortunate answer is --- there is basically nothing that you can do to "cure" your son. His progression from pain pills to heroin is a story shared by many, it is caused by simple economics - heroin is cheaper.
Meanwhile, you need to work on you and find some peace for yourself. I suggest that you find some local support groups like Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoA, Celebrate Recovery or a similar group where you will be able to talk freely, face to face with others who share your circumstances. If nothing else, in those rooms you will discover that you are not alone and your troubles are not unique. These groups can become your second family, perhaps even more intimate and open than your real family.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I am so sorry, Lovemyson101. You must be feeling so much pain and sadness just now. As JimC so eloquently said, there is really nothing you can do to cure your son. It's up to him. I am an Al-Anon member, and I cannot overstate how much that fellowship has helped me find peace when dealng with the alcoholism in my family. I cannot speak to the other groups JimC mentioned. If they are anything like Al-Anon, they could be very helpful for you. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome, Lovemyson101.
Others offer good suggestions.
I've found it helpful to learn to take it one day at a time and to make time to connect with others. Forums here at SR are a tremendous place to start.
Others offer good suggestions.
I've found it helpful to learn to take it one day at a time and to make time to connect with others. Forums here at SR are a tremendous place to start.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
"he considers it to be weakness" - When I first entered Narcotics Anonymous, I was deeply ashamed because I felt like the fact I couldn't keep my using to just marijuana and alcohol or control my use of opiates meant I was a failure. But my suicidal thoughts wouldn't go away, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My dad seemed optimistic after my 1st meeting, so I gave it another go and here I am today. It took me a bit, I'd like to say that I never used again after that but that's not true.
Your son knows that he has options, and when the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, he will suck up his pride. Until then, you need to keep the focus on yourself. Much love.
Your son knows that he has options, and when the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, he will suck up his pride. Until then, you need to keep the focus on yourself. Much love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
Thank you so much for the replies. It's funny, the heroin crisis seems to have hit my area hard according to the news, but I feel so alone. I don't know if I'll go to one of those meeting or not... we'll see I guess.
PlasticInsanity, thank you for the inside perspective. I know it's true - I know what you're all saying is true, that there's nothing I can but wait for hit to reach that point where the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of changing his life, but it's SO hard to accept!
It was easier to accept it when he got injured in Afghanistan. Much easier to understand than this.
I've spent a lot of time reading about the heroin epidemic and it does seem like many people started using it after beoming addicted to painkillers. How can our government allow doctors to prescribe painkillers that are addictive to the point of driving people to destroy their lives?? How come no one is taking responsibility?
Just sad.
PlasticInsanity, thank you for the inside perspective. I know it's true - I know what you're all saying is true, that there's nothing I can but wait for hit to reach that point where the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of changing his life, but it's SO hard to accept!
It was easier to accept it when he got injured in Afghanistan. Much easier to understand than this.
I've spent a lot of time reading about the heroin epidemic and it does seem like many people started using it after beoming addicted to painkillers. How can our government allow doctors to prescribe painkillers that are addictive to the point of driving people to destroy their lives?? How come no one is taking responsibility?
Just sad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
I still struggle with it sometimes, too. I want to tell my AS, "I'm clean! I know what to do! JUST LISTEN TO ME!" lol but sadly it doesn't work that way, she needs to want it for herself. It was really difficult at first to let go because I feared for her life, and that if I didn't save her she'd die. After emotionally hitting my head a few times I seen that it really didn't matter what I did, if she wanted the drugs (and the consequences that came with it), she'd do what she had to do to get high.
I'm happy to say she's better - not completely clean, but she's not where she used to be. I have hope for her, and for your son, too.
I'm happy to say she's better - not completely clean, but she's not where she used to be. I have hope for her, and for your son, too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear ILMS, Another mom here with a 26 year old. He started on pills when he was 20 and moved to heroin. We have gone through several attempts at sobriety and just recently, JJ had 8 months sober. He fell off recently, and I am finding it best to stay out of it. I had to learn (many times over) that my rescuing behaviors always backfired and more often than not, I was holding the short end of the stick. Read up here and you will see that we all have the same story, its really about what we can control (which is only ourselves and our happiness or contentment). Its so hard because us "fixers" want to see our loved ones whole and happy again, and when they choose to stay high, its downright heartbreaking.
Keep reading and sharing. We all understand and support each other.
Hugs
TT
Keep reading and sharing. We all understand and support each other.
Hugs
TT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Hi I am sorry that you found yourself here but glad that you reached out here. It's good to talk to people who get where you are coming from. My stepson was in a car accident as a teenager and prescribed opiods. Along with teen experimentation. We are now at age 25 and he is a heroin addict and also has a crystal meth problem. It is tearing my family apart. Educating yourself is good. Reaching out to others is good. Reality checking with others the craziness of the situation is good. To survive the worry of him serving over seas and now this...I hurt for you. I hurt for them. I hurt for all of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
Thank you all so much. I KNOW you are all correct... I can't control him and I can't make choices for him. But it's like I know this in my head, not in my heart. It's hard.
I read about parents here whose kids constantly pressure them for money and it's weird how my situation is the opposite.... he refuses to have anything to do with us right now. Every day I call some of his army buddies (he's occasionally in touch with them) to check if they heard from him and I check the site of the local jail in the city he lives in to check if he's been arrested.... I'm so afraid of getting that knock on the door.
I am seriously considering going over there just to make sure he's still alive. It's just too much sometimes.
I read about parents here whose kids constantly pressure them for money and it's weird how my situation is the opposite.... he refuses to have anything to do with us right now. Every day I call some of his army buddies (he's occasionally in touch with them) to check if they heard from him and I check the site of the local jail in the city he lives in to check if he's been arrested.... I'm so afraid of getting that knock on the door.
I am seriously considering going over there just to make sure he's still alive. It's just too much sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
If its any comfort, JJ has told me that when he stops communicating its because he does not want to hurt us, knowing that he is using. Think of it this way, if you are communicating, and he is using: Most likely everything he is saying is a lie to make you stop trying to help him. I know for me, when I ask or probe, he tells me what I want to hear, and later when the house of cards fall down, I see how many lies I fell for. I am doing it differently this time. I am just letting him be. I have had no contact since last week. VERY hard not to send that Facebook message, but its for me to start building some new skills within my detachment.
I also understand the dread you feel about "that call". Keep sharing your thoughts and fears, we are all here to help.
Hugs
TT
I also understand the dread you feel about "that call". Keep sharing your thoughts and fears, we are all here to help.
Hugs
TT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
LovemysonJJ,
"...I also understand the dread you feel about "that call"....."
We all do, at least the parents and families of opiod and heroin addicts.
Here is a fellow who has put his emotions into song - he pretty much sums it all up at 2:05 :
"Where is my child tonight" by Steve Dan Mills https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymCt18cWh78
Keep coming back,
Jim
"...I also understand the dread you feel about "that call"....."
We all do, at least the parents and families of opiod and heroin addicts.
Here is a fellow who has put his emotions into song - he pretty much sums it all up at 2:05 :
"Where is my child tonight" by Steve Dan Mills https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymCt18cWh78
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
LoveMySon101, I really-strongly-lovingly recommend that you attend a family support meeting as soon as you can. There is no online or book replacement for the free, non-judgmental comfort and wisdom you can get from people who are walking this same path right alongside you. You don't have to speak or say anything until you are ready. Try a couple of different meetings before you decide which one is a good fit. I have been saved many times by the folks in these rooms, and more importantly, in that safe place I learned how to deal more effectively with my daughter when she was in the darkest part of her heroin addiction. Sending you love and courage--this is hard but you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by GardenMama 
LoveMySon101, I really-strongly-lovingly recommend that you attend a family support meeting as soon as you can. There is no online or book replacement for the free, non-judgmental comfort and wisdom you can get from people who are walking this same path right alongside you. You don't have to speak or say anything until you are ready. Try a couple of different meetings before you decide which one is a good fit. I have been saved many times by the folks in these rooms, and more importantly, in that safe place I learned how to deal more effectively with my daughter when she was in the darkest part of her heroin addiction. Sending you love and courage--this is hard but you are not alone.
Wishing you peace and healing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Another mama checking in here, I know your pain and wish I could tell you what to do, but the answer is you cannot do anything for him except pray. If love could save our addicted children, not one of us would be here.
Like you, I used to go looking for my son. It never ended well. My bottom was the night I went to a crack house and threatened to kick down the door if my son didn't come out. (Let me clarify that I am a gentle lady who doesn't kick down any doors ever, but my desperation just took over that night). My son came out and we went to his apartment...and when I left for home, he left for the crack house again.
That's when I could take not one more day of living like that and I gave my son's care to God. He has been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere, but I get through my days by asking God to watch over him and do for him what I cannot. Then I live my days in faith that He will.
Meetings literally saved my life, CoDA and Al-anon were my two strongholds, others are just as good and many have found peace through several different fellowshops. I learned to find my balance again and live my life well...regardless of how my son chose to live his. I love my son with all my heart and tried for years and years to save him, and finally I had to just let go and let God. I hope you will try them too, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
My prayers go out for your son too, that he may find a better path and stop using drugs. Many do, some take longer than others, but there is always hope, so please keep that candle burning.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Like you, I used to go looking for my son. It never ended well. My bottom was the night I went to a crack house and threatened to kick down the door if my son didn't come out. (Let me clarify that I am a gentle lady who doesn't kick down any doors ever, but my desperation just took over that night). My son came out and we went to his apartment...and when I left for home, he left for the crack house again.
That's when I could take not one more day of living like that and I gave my son's care to God. He has been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere, but I get through my days by asking God to watch over him and do for him what I cannot. Then I live my days in faith that He will.
Meetings literally saved my life, CoDA and Al-anon were my two strongholds, others are just as good and many have found peace through several different fellowshops. I learned to find my balance again and live my life well...regardless of how my son chose to live his. I love my son with all my heart and tried for years and years to save him, and finally I had to just let go and let God. I hope you will try them too, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
My prayers go out for your son too, that he may find a better path and stop using drugs. Many do, some take longer than others, but there is always hope, so please keep that candle burning.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
Hi all,
I wanted to share that I went to my first alanon meeting the other day. All family members there, except one, were dealing with heroin addicts. It's scary to see just how many people are dealing with this problem.
I couldn't really talk because i was crying so hard... when you try not to think about it so you could just get through the day and then people actually put the situation in front of you, it's tough. Hearing that there's nothing I can actually do for my son is tough. When he was in Afghanistan that was easier to accept but back then I knew that if God forbid anything happens there's a large group of people around him who would help him (and they did). He has to help himself now and he's not doing that and frankly it drives me crazy. Is heroin really that important, that good, that he would destroy himself just to have it? I can't understand this disease I just can't.
I made a list of rehab and detox programs in our area and texted it to him but as usual there's no reply (I'm not sure he's read it).
I'm sorry for not being more active here - I feel like i should give back to thank for the way I was welcomed here, but honestly, I feel like I have no idea how to deal with this situation myself, and other than telling everyone here that I sympathize from the bottom of my heart, I don't feel like I can give anyone any advice.
Take care, everything.
I wanted to share that I went to my first alanon meeting the other day. All family members there, except one, were dealing with heroin addicts. It's scary to see just how many people are dealing with this problem.
I couldn't really talk because i was crying so hard... when you try not to think about it so you could just get through the day and then people actually put the situation in front of you, it's tough. Hearing that there's nothing I can actually do for my son is tough. When he was in Afghanistan that was easier to accept but back then I knew that if God forbid anything happens there's a large group of people around him who would help him (and they did). He has to help himself now and he's not doing that and frankly it drives me crazy. Is heroin really that important, that good, that he would destroy himself just to have it? I can't understand this disease I just can't.
I made a list of rehab and detox programs in our area and texted it to him but as usual there's no reply (I'm not sure he's read it).
I'm sorry for not being more active here - I feel like i should give back to thank for the way I was welcomed here, but honestly, I feel like I have no idea how to deal with this situation myself, and other than telling everyone here that I sympathize from the bottom of my heart, I don't feel like I can give anyone any advice.
Take care, everything.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lovemyson101,
I am so glad to hear that you have gone to a meeting, the rooms are probably where you will find your sanity and happiness again. Give the program a chance by going back at least a few times - after a few meetings, you will know if the program is right for you.
"....I couldn't really talk because i was crying so hard..." and nobody thought that was strange because they all understood from their very core.
Newcomers come into my home group wearing what I call "the shattered look", some are able to open up right away, others will take a few meetings before they are comfortable enough to share. Eventually the shattered look leaves and they learn to live and laugh again.
The real question for you is -- Did you feel better after the meeting? A little less stressed, a glimmer of hope, a nugget of good advice that someone shared, a sense of belonging? If you got even a little solace from the meeting, you should go back and try it again.
For most of us that have been on this train for a while we found that in the early days that good feeling we got from a meeting only lasted until we got to the parking lot, then maybe until we got home, then maybe a day, then two days and ever so slowly we got some balance back into our lives.
"Is heroin really that important, that good, that he would destroy himself just to have it? I can't understand this disease I just can't." Addicts have told me that heroin is better than the best sex they ever had. To make matters worse, they all say that the rush is never as good as that first time - that is why they call it "chasing the high". Once addicted, the heroin is basically all that matters, more important than anything else -- food, shelter, friendship, their morals -- they will do whatever is necessary to get it.
You can gain some insight as to the thought processes of addicts by reading the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text - it is a compilation of addicts' stories of their addiction and recoveries.
"I made a list of rehab and detox programs in our area...", this is a good thing, don't lose that list. You need to be aware that detox and rehab will only "work" when your son is ready on his own, there is nothing you can do to to force him. If and when he makes his decision to get clean, it is best to "strike when the iron is hot" because he may change his mind by the next day - keep that list handy and pray that you need it!
"I feel like i should give back to thank for the way I was welcomed here...", and you are giving back, you just don't realize it yet. Newcomers are the lifeblood of any program, this forum included, you remind the "old timers" of where we were not all that long ago.
Lyrics from a song, "We're glad you're here" as performed by Kevin Sullivan. My Nar-Anon home group has this printed on the inside of a Welcome card which we give to all newcomers:
"We're glad you're here, cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone who understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there, and we're glad you're here."
Keep coming back,
Jim
I am so glad to hear that you have gone to a meeting, the rooms are probably where you will find your sanity and happiness again. Give the program a chance by going back at least a few times - after a few meetings, you will know if the program is right for you.
"....I couldn't really talk because i was crying so hard..." and nobody thought that was strange because they all understood from their very core.
Newcomers come into my home group wearing what I call "the shattered look", some are able to open up right away, others will take a few meetings before they are comfortable enough to share. Eventually the shattered look leaves and they learn to live and laugh again.
The real question for you is -- Did you feel better after the meeting? A little less stressed, a glimmer of hope, a nugget of good advice that someone shared, a sense of belonging? If you got even a little solace from the meeting, you should go back and try it again.
For most of us that have been on this train for a while we found that in the early days that good feeling we got from a meeting only lasted until we got to the parking lot, then maybe until we got home, then maybe a day, then two days and ever so slowly we got some balance back into our lives.
"Is heroin really that important, that good, that he would destroy himself just to have it? I can't understand this disease I just can't." Addicts have told me that heroin is better than the best sex they ever had. To make matters worse, they all say that the rush is never as good as that first time - that is why they call it "chasing the high". Once addicted, the heroin is basically all that matters, more important than anything else -- food, shelter, friendship, their morals -- they will do whatever is necessary to get it.
You can gain some insight as to the thought processes of addicts by reading the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text - it is a compilation of addicts' stories of their addiction and recoveries.
"I made a list of rehab and detox programs in our area...", this is a good thing, don't lose that list. You need to be aware that detox and rehab will only "work" when your son is ready on his own, there is nothing you can do to to force him. If and when he makes his decision to get clean, it is best to "strike when the iron is hot" because he may change his mind by the next day - keep that list handy and pray that you need it!
"I feel like i should give back to thank for the way I was welcomed here...", and you are giving back, you just don't realize it yet. Newcomers are the lifeblood of any program, this forum included, you remind the "old timers" of where we were not all that long ago.
Lyrics from a song, "We're glad you're here" as performed by Kevin Sullivan. My Nar-Anon home group has this printed on the inside of a Welcome card which we give to all newcomers:
"We're glad you're here, cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone who understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there, and we're glad you're here."
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Addiction. They say it's a family disease and I believe that to be true. It affects all of those close to the addict.
We seem to all go through a similar process, as does the addict. Although each story is different, they are also the same. We worry. We investigate. We rescue. We plead. We don't sleep. We cry. And then we try to not do all of those things. And the cycle starts again. We become addicted to the addict.
Learning how to find peace regardless of what the addict is doing is the toughest thing I have ever tried to do. But it is possible. Surviving all that addiction dishes out is difficult but if I don't take care of myself, I believe that addiction will take me out. And addiction would win.
I did a speech at the Salvation Army Adult Rehad a couple of years ago talking about my experience with my addicted son and how I found help for myself. Afterwards, a young man (one of the beneficiaries) came up to me and said "Thank you...I wish my mother had found help." He had tears in his eyes and he spoke in past tense.
Please....take care of you.....so your son doesn't have to speak about you in past tense.
Gentle hugs
KE
We seem to all go through a similar process, as does the addict. Although each story is different, they are also the same. We worry. We investigate. We rescue. We plead. We don't sleep. We cry. And then we try to not do all of those things. And the cycle starts again. We become addicted to the addict.
Learning how to find peace regardless of what the addict is doing is the toughest thing I have ever tried to do. But it is possible. Surviving all that addiction dishes out is difficult but if I don't take care of myself, I believe that addiction will take me out. And addiction would win.
I did a speech at the Salvation Army Adult Rehad a couple of years ago talking about my experience with my addicted son and how I found help for myself. Afterwards, a young man (one of the beneficiaries) came up to me and said "Thank you...I wish my mother had found help." He had tears in his eyes and he spoke in past tense.
Please....take care of you.....so your son doesn't have to speak about you in past tense.
Gentle hugs
KE
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