Starting to lose hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Starting to lose hope
I don't really know where to start. I'm new here and I've never participated in a forum before. I read a couple of stories and the comments before I registered and I was happy to read so much love and support. I hope I can find somebody here who can help me. I'm afraid my family is in shambles. My father is an alcoholic. My brother is a crack addict. I just recently lost my cousin because of his crack addiction and I'm afraid I'm starting to lose hope. I know none of their addictions are my fault or that they have nothing to do with me but I can't help but feel completely heart broken and miserable. I had a very emotional day today after finding my brother had taken my car without permission. I called and texted for hours on end with no reply. I then discovered that he also took my bank card and spent hundreds of dollars from both mine and my SO's account. I have such a long story of how addictions are a regular part of my life. I'm glad I found a place where I can talk about all the things I never talk about. I don't have a lot of people I can count on or turn to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
I am really sorry that addiction has affected your life so profoundly. It must be incredibly difficult. I'm glad you have a significant other to lean on.
This is a very welcoming, very active, very supportive place. I can't help thinking you'll find some words of comfort and strength here. I hope that somehow, your father and brother will have a moment of clarity, or whatever, and seek help for their addictions. They will find it here (and, of course, many other places).
Also, there are two forums here you might also want to check out, specifically for friends and family of alcoholics and substance abusers generally.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Hugs to you.
This is a very welcoming, very active, very supportive place. I can't help thinking you'll find some words of comfort and strength here. I hope that somehow, your father and brother will have a moment of clarity, or whatever, and seek help for their addictions. They will find it here (and, of course, many other places).
Also, there are two forums here you might also want to check out, specifically for friends and family of alcoholics and substance abusers generally.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Hugs to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hello MissMuss 
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm also glad you found us. I was the alcoholic, but one thing this place gave me back was hope.
I know you'll find help and support here too.
You don't have to do this alone
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm also glad you found us. I was the alcoholic, but one thing this place gave me back was hope.
I know you'll find help and support here too.
You don't have to do this alone
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you've had such a rotten day. I've been in your shoes too many times to count. I'm an alcoholic but my husband is a crack addict.
If you don't already know it, you've got to hide your stuff or don't let your brother into your house.
Did you get your bank card back? And your car? I hope so.
Stick around for support. It's hard to talk about with people who don't understand what it's like. And you need to talk about it sometimes.
If you don't already know it, you've got to hide your stuff or don't let your brother into your house.
Did you get your bank card back? And your car? I hope so.
Stick around for support. It's hard to talk about with people who don't understand what it's like. And you need to talk about it sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Oh My, MissMuss! How terrible. I would feel violated, hurt, yet concerned at the same time. You love them because they are family...and the people we love are the ones who can hurt us the MOST. Talk about being crapped on. AlAnon and NarAnon are great and it just helps to get support from others who have been through something similar.
We have some good long time friends who's son got into drugs starting in high school. Started with pot and progressed to a full blown cocaine addiction; eventually meth. The path of destruction was great. He stole from his parents, pawned valuables to support his coke habit. He eventually ended up in prison, served time....when he got out he was murdered within a month. It's hard to see the hurt all of that caused.
We have some good long time friends who's son got into drugs starting in high school. Started with pot and progressed to a full blown cocaine addiction; eventually meth. The path of destruction was great. He stole from his parents, pawned valuables to support his coke habit. He eventually ended up in prison, served time....when he got out he was murdered within a month. It's hard to see the hurt all of that caused.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 315
Welcome, MissMuss. I'm sorry for what brings you here. SR is a wonderfully supportive community. I hope you find the love and support you need here.
I recently admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic. I guess I've known it for a long time, but it's tough to come to grips with. I frequently read in the friends and family forum, but really don't comment there. Reading about all the pain that we addicts cause family and friends helps motivate me to stay sober.
As others may share, there's nothing you can really do to get somebody sober or clean. It has to be their own decision. I pray that those in your life struggling with addiction finally come to their senses and make the decision to change.
Have you contacted the police about your brother stealing your car and money? If not, I would strongly encourage you to do so.
I recently admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic. I guess I've known it for a long time, but it's tough to come to grips with. I frequently read in the friends and family forum, but really don't comment there. Reading about all the pain that we addicts cause family and friends helps motivate me to stay sober.
As others may share, there's nothing you can really do to get somebody sober or clean. It has to be their own decision. I pray that those in your life struggling with addiction finally come to their senses and make the decision to change.
Have you contacted the police about your brother stealing your car and money? If not, I would strongly encourage you to do so.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 379
Welcome, welcome. I understand what you are going through as I too have dealt with addiction with loved ones. It is so very difficult and hard to know what to do.
When I was going through this, I was always trying to find just the right way to get them to do what I wanted. I mean if they would just do things MY WAY, all would be well and we could live happily ever after. The problem was that I had no control over them ( we never do do we?) and they just seemed to resist all of my efforts along the way which seem to make matters worse ( resentments, bitterness, so much frustration)
What I finally learned after getting a ton of support via Alanon, Naranon and CODA meetings is that there is no absolutely sure fire way of dealing with loved ones addiction. Most importantly we learn to protect ourselves, love other while equally loving ourselves, set boundaries around how others treat us and etc.
I would urge you to seek support for yourself as a way to cope with this whole situation. It will help equip you with the tools that you need to make decisions now and in the future.
My best to you.
When I was going through this, I was always trying to find just the right way to get them to do what I wanted. I mean if they would just do things MY WAY, all would be well and we could live happily ever after. The problem was that I had no control over them ( we never do do we?) and they just seemed to resist all of my efforts along the way which seem to make matters worse ( resentments, bitterness, so much frustration)
What I finally learned after getting a ton of support via Alanon, Naranon and CODA meetings is that there is no absolutely sure fire way of dealing with loved ones addiction. Most importantly we learn to protect ourselves, love other while equally loving ourselves, set boundaries around how others treat us and etc.
I would urge you to seek support for yourself as a way to cope with this whole situation. It will help equip you with the tools that you need to make decisions now and in the future.
My best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by MissMuss 
I don't really know where to start. I'm new here and I've never participated in a forum before. I read a couple of stories and the comments before I registered and I was happy to read so much love and support. I hope I can find somebody here who can help me. I'm afraid my family is in shambles. My father is an alcoholic. My brother is a crack addict. I just recently lost my cousin because of his crack addiction and I'm afraid I'm starting to lose hope. I know none of their addictions are my fault or that they have nothing to do with me but I can't help but feel completely heart broken and miserable. I had a very emotional day today after finding my brother had taken my car without permission. I called and texted for hours on end with no reply. I then discovered that he also took my bank card and spent hundreds of dollars from both mine and my SO's account. I have such a long story of how addictions are a regular part of my life. I'm glad I found a place where I can talk about all the things I never talk about. I don't have a lot of people I can count on or turn to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
Update
Good morning all,
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've been dealing with addictions for, what seems like, my whole life. I'm 32 years old and so you would think when I discovered my brothers vice that I would have been able to deal with it better. His addiction seems to upset me the most. I'll give a little history. My brother and I are 3 years apart with him being the youngest. We are the only children my parents had and so we were very close. My fathers alcoholism became really bad when Stephen was about 5 or 6 years old. Dad was very abusive to him. Not in a physical way, but in a verbal way. As soon as he fell in the door, after work, he'd call out looking for "the brat". He constantly belittled him and told him he was no good. I'll never forget one evening after he had a car accident from driving under the influence (nobody was hurt! Just the car). My mother was furious and had enough of the booze. To retailiate against her he started to yell at my brother. He told him with a snarl on his lips that "he wished he had just got a *******". Of course my brother knew this meant Dad was saying he didn't want him. My mother left my father, with us in tow, many times. It never stuck tho. She always took us back there But that's a different story. I always rushed to be with my brother as soon as Dad came home. I wasn't afraid of my Dad. AT ALL. 10 year old me would face him front on. I would put myself in front of Stephen or I would physically move him to another room while my mother tried to deal with the drunk. I would do whatever I could to protect my brother. And I believe that's the reason we were so close. I cannot explain my love for my brother. It's as tho he is my son. As years went on Bro began to experiment with drugs with his friends. Ecstasy, cocaine, acid.....he started to rebel. Dad wasn't a huge part of his life arctics point. He had taken a job in a different province and would only be home for a few months out of the year. My bro never went too far tho. He never stayed out for more than a night. More years passed and he moved out on his own (I was already gone by then) and he eventually bought a house. That's when everything started to spiral. He was living in his house for roughly 5 months when we(my mother and I) found out that he was having financial trouble and was afraid he was going to loose his house. Because he had been laid off from work for a couple of months and was waiting for the call to go back we decided that myself and my SO would move in and help with the mortgage and utilities until my brother could get back on his feet. It should probably be noted that I was pregnant at the time and excited to be welcoming a new baby. We moved into his house in December. Within a month I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I only heard about crack until moving in there. I have never been in its presence before that point. And still to this day I have never actually saw it. Just smelt it. Such a distinctive smell!! I couldn't believe he would just smoke it, locked away in his room, thinking nobody knew! I was shocked! I used to sneak into his room when he'd go to work and search for clues to find out what he was up to. All the clues were there. The baking soda, the cut up Pepsi cans with residue left on them, spoons. It took me no time to figure out what he was up to, especially since my cousin had just recently come clean about his addiction to crack. Of course I confronted him. Of course he promised not to do it again. This was a cycle I'm sure I don't have to go into details about. It was just always the same lies and excuses. But I stuck there with him. I want to believe he will overcome this. I want to believe I will not loose him! He went to his union about his issues in hopes of finding support in the form of counselling. He was offered many avenues, expenses paid. They offered rehab centres, group sessions, literature, you name it. He went to a one on one session with a councillor twice. He went to his doctor and was prescribed medication to help combat anxiety and depression. He stuck with it for a week. That was it. He didn't have an addiction, he said. He just had mental issues and he didn't want to take pills to deal with it. He wanted to do it on his own. Of course he failed. He's still failing. I love him so much my heart is breaking. He eventually lost the house. In his defence tho, he has been out of work for quite some time. He's only worked 4 out of the 9 months that we lived there. But I know his drug use had a drastic affect on his finances. It affected mine too! Because myself and my SO we're paying for all the groceries, cable and Internet as well as half of the mortgage and half of the light and power. Bro also had his car repossessed so he was driving mine. I had my son in February and so there were extra expenses on top of the regular ones. It was starting to get tight. I was almost relieved to hear that the bank was taking the house. I was under so much stress that I was losing my hair. I wasn't relieved for too long tho because then I was faced with the decision to take Stephen with us or not. He had nowhere else to go. He talked about going to a shelter. My heart broke. He talked about moving in with a friend. Again, my heart broke. I can't sleep at night with the thought that he was living with another addict because I wouldn't take him with me. He had been clean for a month and so after much discussion with my SO, we decided he could come with us under certain terms. He would pay half of the rent and all the utilities and he'd have to stay clean. And if he did slip up, absolutely not in the house. It was also stipulated that he only use my car for work or appointments or to pick up his daughter for visits (he has one child. She's two and I am very much a part of her life. I love her to death). We have been living here exactly one week as of yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up to find my car was missing. I texted him immediately. He usually texts back some lie about someone who needed a ride or some other bs story. But this time he didn't. I called multiple times as I usually do. It was supposed to go straight to voicemail as he usually just presses the ignore button but this time it rang through. I called 11 times between 7am and 2pm with it ringing through but nobody answering. My stomach was turning. I was sweating. This was not normal. I knew he was out on crack but it was still not typical of him to not reply at all. we lost my cousin one week after my son was born. His body was found on s walking trail. He had a car accident and broke with femur. He was so out of it on drugs that he got out of the car and starting walking up a walking trail where he eventually gave in to his injuries and died. Alone. His body was found by hikers two days after he died and he was my exact age. We grew up together. Yesterday morning all of those same emotions I experienced the day we found out about our cousin came flooding back. I was panicking and thinking the worst had happened to my brother as well. I discovered my bank card was missing when myself and my mother decided to go get coffee in order to continue with our hunt for my brother. Of course when I realized it was gone I knew exactly where it was. This was not the first time he has stolen from me. I was kind of relieved to check my account and see he was still withdrawing money and so he was still alive. Then the anger came. I immediately reported my card stolen. After another couple of hours of recruiting some of his friends and other family members and coming up with nothing I decided to call the police. I sent one last text to my brother pleading with him to text me back and this time he did. He said "I can never face you again". Again, my heart dropped. My stomach done flip flops. What does that mean????? I pleaded with him again. Reassuring him that he can come back from this. That money is money but he is my brother. That I loved him and so desperately wanted him to come home. He relented and told myself and my mother where he was and to come get him. My car had run out of gas and was left on the side of a dirt road. Further down the dirt road, off into a wooded area is where we found him. In his dress shirt from the night before with black dirty hands and scuffs on his knees. He was weeping into his hands. I never saw a more depressing, sorrowful sight in all my life. He couldn't come back to our home yet because my SO was still mad as hell (completely and totally understandable!) so we brought him to my parents place. He's still there right now. I never slept a wink last night. I'm so torn. I want him to come home. I want my brother back. I miss who he used to be and I'm filled with so anxiety and guilt for him. I know he is struggling and he doesn't want to be this way. I feel so badly I cannot stop crying. I know what everybody is thinking too. That I'm an enabler. You're 100% right. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to support him. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm so lost. Why can't I let go? I feel like for the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my son I need to let him go but i just can't turn my back on him. I'm so consumed with guilt for wanting to move on with my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm so sorry for such a lengthy post. I'm feeling so emotional and conflicted this morning. And even though my SO is my biggest supporter, I feel like I can't talk to him yet. He needs time to sort out his own feelings and thoughts about what happened yesterday and I really felt like I couldn't wait to get my feelings out there. I hope I find my way out of this darkness soon. It's becoming too much.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've been dealing with addictions for, what seems like, my whole life. I'm 32 years old and so you would think when I discovered my brothers vice that I would have been able to deal with it better. His addiction seems to upset me the most. I'll give a little history. My brother and I are 3 years apart with him being the youngest. We are the only children my parents had and so we were very close. My fathers alcoholism became really bad when Stephen was about 5 or 6 years old. Dad was very abusive to him. Not in a physical way, but in a verbal way. As soon as he fell in the door, after work, he'd call out looking for "the brat". He constantly belittled him and told him he was no good. I'll never forget one evening after he had a car accident from driving under the influence (nobody was hurt! Just the car). My mother was furious and had enough of the booze. To retailiate against her he started to yell at my brother. He told him with a snarl on his lips that "he wished he had just got a *******". Of course my brother knew this meant Dad was saying he didn't want him. My mother left my father, with us in tow, many times. It never stuck tho. She always took us back there But that's a different story. I always rushed to be with my brother as soon as Dad came home. I wasn't afraid of my Dad. AT ALL. 10 year old me would face him front on. I would put myself in front of Stephen or I would physically move him to another room while my mother tried to deal with the drunk. I would do whatever I could to protect my brother. And I believe that's the reason we were so close. I cannot explain my love for my brother. It's as tho he is my son. As years went on Bro began to experiment with drugs with his friends. Ecstasy, cocaine, acid.....he started to rebel. Dad wasn't a huge part of his life arctics point. He had taken a job in a different province and would only be home for a few months out of the year. My bro never went too far tho. He never stayed out for more than a night. More years passed and he moved out on his own (I was already gone by then) and he eventually bought a house. That's when everything started to spiral. He was living in his house for roughly 5 months when we(my mother and I) found out that he was having financial trouble and was afraid he was going to loose his house. Because he had been laid off from work for a couple of months and was waiting for the call to go back we decided that myself and my SO would move in and help with the mortgage and utilities until my brother could get back on his feet. It should probably be noted that I was pregnant at the time and excited to be welcoming a new baby. We moved into his house in December. Within a month I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I only heard about crack until moving in there. I have never been in its presence before that point. And still to this day I have never actually saw it. Just smelt it. Such a distinctive smell!! I couldn't believe he would just smoke it, locked away in his room, thinking nobody knew! I was shocked! I used to sneak into his room when he'd go to work and search for clues to find out what he was up to. All the clues were there. The baking soda, the cut up Pepsi cans with residue left on them, spoons. It took me no time to figure out what he was up to, especially since my cousin had just recently come clean about his addiction to crack. Of course I confronted him. Of course he promised not to do it again. This was a cycle I'm sure I don't have to go into details about. It was just always the same lies and excuses. But I stuck there with him. I want to believe he will overcome this. I want to believe I will not loose him! He went to his union about his issues in hopes of finding support in the form of counselling. He was offered many avenues, expenses paid. They offered rehab centres, group sessions, literature, you name it. He went to a one on one session with a councillor twice. He went to his doctor and was prescribed medication to help combat anxiety and depression. He stuck with it for a week. That was it. He didn't have an addiction, he said. He just had mental issues and he didn't want to take pills to deal with it. He wanted to do it on his own. Of course he failed. He's still failing. I love him so much my heart is breaking. He eventually lost the house. In his defence tho, he has been out of work for quite some time. He's only worked 4 out of the 9 months that we lived there. But I know his drug use had a drastic affect on his finances. It affected mine too! Because myself and my SO we're paying for all the groceries, cable and Internet as well as half of the mortgage and half of the light and power. Bro also had his car repossessed so he was driving mine. I had my son in February and so there were extra expenses on top of the regular ones. It was starting to get tight. I was almost relieved to hear that the bank was taking the house. I was under so much stress that I was losing my hair. I wasn't relieved for too long tho because then I was faced with the decision to take Stephen with us or not. He had nowhere else to go. He talked about going to a shelter. My heart broke. He talked about moving in with a friend. Again, my heart broke. I can't sleep at night with the thought that he was living with another addict because I wouldn't take him with me. He had been clean for a month and so after much discussion with my SO, we decided he could come with us under certain terms. He would pay half of the rent and all the utilities and he'd have to stay clean. And if he did slip up, absolutely not in the house. It was also stipulated that he only use my car for work or appointments or to pick up his daughter for visits (he has one child. She's two and I am very much a part of her life. I love her to death). We have been living here exactly one week as of yesterday. Yesterday morning I woke up to find my car was missing. I texted him immediately. He usually texts back some lie about someone who needed a ride or some other bs story. But this time he didn't. I called multiple times as I usually do. It was supposed to go straight to voicemail as he usually just presses the ignore button but this time it rang through. I called 11 times between 7am and 2pm with it ringing through but nobody answering. My stomach was turning. I was sweating. This was not normal. I knew he was out on crack but it was still not typical of him to not reply at all. we lost my cousin one week after my son was born. His body was found on s walking trail. He had a car accident and broke with femur. He was so out of it on drugs that he got out of the car and starting walking up a walking trail where he eventually gave in to his injuries and died. Alone. His body was found by hikers two days after he died and he was my exact age. We grew up together. Yesterday morning all of those same emotions I experienced the day we found out about our cousin came flooding back. I was panicking and thinking the worst had happened to my brother as well. I discovered my bank card was missing when myself and my mother decided to go get coffee in order to continue with our hunt for my brother. Of course when I realized it was gone I knew exactly where it was. This was not the first time he has stolen from me. I was kind of relieved to check my account and see he was still withdrawing money and so he was still alive. Then the anger came. I immediately reported my card stolen. After another couple of hours of recruiting some of his friends and other family members and coming up with nothing I decided to call the police. I sent one last text to my brother pleading with him to text me back and this time he did. He said "I can never face you again". Again, my heart dropped. My stomach done flip flops. What does that mean????? I pleaded with him again. Reassuring him that he can come back from this. That money is money but he is my brother. That I loved him and so desperately wanted him to come home. He relented and told myself and my mother where he was and to come get him. My car had run out of gas and was left on the side of a dirt road. Further down the dirt road, off into a wooded area is where we found him. In his dress shirt from the night before with black dirty hands and scuffs on his knees. He was weeping into his hands. I never saw a more depressing, sorrowful sight in all my life. He couldn't come back to our home yet because my SO was still mad as hell (completely and totally understandable!) so we brought him to my parents place. He's still there right now. I never slept a wink last night. I'm so torn. I want him to come home. I want my brother back. I miss who he used to be and I'm filled with so anxiety and guilt for him. I know he is struggling and he doesn't want to be this way. I feel so badly I cannot stop crying. I know what everybody is thinking too. That I'm an enabler. You're 100% right. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to support him. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm so lost. Why can't I let go? I feel like for the sake of my relationship and for the sake of my son I need to let him go but i just can't turn my back on him. I'm so consumed with guilt for wanting to move on with my life. I hate feeling this way. I'm so sorry for such a lengthy post. I'm feeling so emotional and conflicted this morning. And even though my SO is my biggest supporter, I feel like I can't talk to him yet. He needs time to sort out his own feelings and thoughts about what happened yesterday and I really felt like I couldn't wait to get my feelings out there. I hope I find my way out of this darkness soon. It's becoming too much.
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