What is the point?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 392
What is the point?
I can't get beyond a week without drinking. Drinking switches all of the 'noise' in my head off. But I wake up and it's all there again, ten fold.
I'm so tired of my inner critic. It abuses me all day long. Tells me how ****** I am, how I've ****** things up. That I'll always be a loser. I try to fight against it but it keeps YELLING. I'm tired of fighting it. I just want peace and quiet. To wake up without that ******* voice in my head telling me how crap I am.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not living, I'm just existing. I want to slit my wrists but I know I'll lose the nerve to do it properly and I'll just end up in a mental health unit, medicated.
I'm so tired of my inner critic. It abuses me all day long. Tells me how ****** I am, how I've ****** things up. That I'll always be a loser. I try to fight against it but it keeps YELLING. I'm tired of fighting it. I just want peace and quiet. To wake up without that ******* voice in my head telling me how crap I am.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not living, I'm just existing. I want to slit my wrists but I know I'll lose the nerve to do it properly and I'll just end up in a mental health unit, medicated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Hi Noneever,
I have also felt this way over the years....the booze had me so depressed and sad. I felt worthless and alone....30 years of experience trying to quite my mind with booze,
YOU are worth so much more than this! Allow yourself some time to sober up and see things clearly. Love yourself, despite the mistakes that you have made.
YOU have a lot to offer the world, the booze has been covering up all of the opportunities waiting for you! Forgive yourself and fight to survive this addiction.
Please reach out for immediate help if you are on the edge....reach out!!
This is a great place for support. Hugs from Arizona
I have also felt this way over the years....the booze had me so depressed and sad. I felt worthless and alone....30 years of experience trying to quite my mind with booze,
YOU are worth so much more than this! Allow yourself some time to sober up and see things clearly. Love yourself, despite the mistakes that you have made.
YOU have a lot to offer the world, the booze has been covering up all of the opportunities waiting for you! Forgive yourself and fight to survive this addiction.
Please reach out for immediate help if you are on the edge....reach out!!
This is a great place for support. Hugs from Arizona
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
What's the point?
To sobriety? You've not given sobriety a chance, so it's too soon to give up on it. We all have the "voice in our head." If yours is ultra critical, there are things you can do about it, about your esteem, and techniques to combat negative thoughts.
But none are effective as long as you drink. You aren't seeing the benefits of recovery, only the struggle of addiction, relapse, and withdrawals. Please find the means to recover from your alcoholism. You will see a difference.
To sobriety? You've not given sobriety a chance, so it's too soon to give up on it. We all have the "voice in our head." If yours is ultra critical, there are things you can do about it, about your esteem, and techniques to combat negative thoughts.
But none are effective as long as you drink. You aren't seeing the benefits of recovery, only the struggle of addiction, relapse, and withdrawals. Please find the means to recover from your alcoholism. You will see a difference.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
The point is that you don't have to live like that noneever. The alcohol actually causes most of the problems you list, it only seems like it's helping initially but in reality it's the reason you feel like you do.
I remember feeling exactly the same way - not wanting to drink but needing to drink. It was an awful situation. The good news is there is a way out, but it will be uncomfortable at first. And you won't be "thrown in a mental health unit" for admitting your addiction and seeking help. Have you considered seeking help via meetings, your doctor or perhaps a counselor?
I remember feeling exactly the same way - not wanting to drink but needing to drink. It was an awful situation. The good news is there is a way out, but it will be uncomfortable at first. And you won't be "thrown in a mental health unit" for admitting your addiction and seeking help. Have you considered seeking help via meetings, your doctor or perhaps a counselor?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
The only way I ever bought that inner critic to heel was to stay sober noneever.
If you spend your life running away from things and feelings like I did as drinker, you're going to feed that self hatred. No growth means no change.
The only way out, IMO, is to engage with life. It's hard for a few weeks, but I found the more things I accomplished the less shrill that voice got.
I found I was more competent and capable than I ever dreamed. That was the first step to me becoming comfortable with me.
My mind still goes at 100mph - but I go with it now & it no longer scares me or wears me down - I can direct it for good and productivity and not self destruction.
Give it three, four months of total abstinence and recovery work. I drank for 20 years. I think a few months is a reasonable ask.
I found I moved from existing to living in that time, and I hope you will too.
If you feel you just can't deal with the voice yourself maybe it's not a bad idea to consider some counselling?
D
If you spend your life running away from things and feelings like I did as drinker, you're going to feed that self hatred. No growth means no change.
The only way out, IMO, is to engage with life. It's hard for a few weeks, but I found the more things I accomplished the less shrill that voice got.
I found I was more competent and capable than I ever dreamed. That was the first step to me becoming comfortable with me.
My mind still goes at 100mph - but I go with it now & it no longer scares me or wears me down - I can direct it for good and productivity and not self destruction.
Give it three, four months of total abstinence and recovery work. I drank for 20 years. I think a few months is a reasonable ask.
I found I moved from existing to living in that time, and I hope you will too.
If you feel you just can't deal with the voice yourself maybe it's not a bad idea to consider some counselling?
D
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
It was such a revelation to me to find that it was the drinking that caused me to hate myself, and not that I drank because I hated myself.
I have that inner critic too--sometimes it's my dad's voice in there but now I just call it my ego.
There are ways to shut that voice up or at least quiet it, but being sober had to come first. It took me a long time to get it, but one of the biggest things I learned was that I could separate myself from that voice--it wasn't me. Once I could see that, then I could begin to question it rather that simply believe everything it was telling me.
I can see now that it's such liar.
I have that inner critic too--sometimes it's my dad's voice in there but now I just call it my ego.
There are ways to shut that voice up or at least quiet it, but being sober had to come first. It took me a long time to get it, but one of the biggest things I learned was that I could separate myself from that voice--it wasn't me. Once I could see that, then I could begin to question it rather that simply believe everything it was telling me.
I can see now that it's such liar.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
I feel a lot of the same things. I know from past attempts you have to push through the early weeks to even begin to get a clear head about anything. One day at a time and give longer sobriety a chance. Just don't be stupid like me and think this thing can ever be cured. It starts again right wher you left off or worse.
Lilly
Lilly
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by LostLilly 
I feel a lot of the same things. I know from past attempts you have to push through the early weeks to even begin to get a clear head about anything. One day at a time and give longer sobriety a chance. Just don't be stupid like me and think this thing can ever be cured. It starts again right wher you left off or worse.
Lilly
Lilly
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,387
Originally Posted by Dee74
The only way I ever bought that inner critic to heel was to stay sober noneever.
If you spend your life running away from things and feelings like I did as drinker, you're going to feed that self hatred. No growth means no change.
The only way out, IMO, is to engage with life. It's hard for a few weeks, but I found the more things I accomplished the less shrill that voice got.
I found I was more competent and capable than I ever dreamed. That was the first step to me becoming comfortable with me.
My mind still goes at 100mph - but I go with it now & it no longer scares me or wears me down - I can direct it for good and productivity and not self destruction.
Give it three, four months of total abstinence and recovery work. I drank for 20 years. I think a few months is a reasonable ask.
I found I moved from existing to living in that time, and I hope you will too.
If you feel you just can't deal with the voice yourself maybe it's not a bad idea to consider some counselling?
D
If you spend your life running away from things and feelings like I did as drinker, you're going to feed that self hatred. No growth means no change.
The only way out, IMO, is to engage with life. It's hard for a few weeks, but I found the more things I accomplished the less shrill that voice got.
I found I was more competent and capable than I ever dreamed. That was the first step to me becoming comfortable with me.
My mind still goes at 100mph - but I go with it now & it no longer scares me or wears me down - I can direct it for good and productivity and not self destruction.
Give it three, four months of total abstinence and recovery work. I drank for 20 years. I think a few months is a reasonable ask.
I found I moved from existing to living in that time, and I hope you will too.
If you feel you just can't deal with the voice yourself maybe it's not a bad idea to consider some counselling?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I experienced the same thing. And, it didn't stop just because I wasn't drinking anymore. As others have said, it took time. The thing is, when you are sober, you are present and much more able to direct your thoughts. Take a look at Mindfulness because it's something that has helped me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by noneever
I can't get beyond a week without drinking. Drinking switches all of the 'noise' in my head off. But I wake up and it's all there again, ten fold.
I'm so tired of my inner critic. It abuses me all day long. Tells me how ****** I am, how I've ****** things up. That I'll always be a loser. I try to fight against it but it keeps YELLING. I'm tired of fighting it. I just want peace and quiet. To wake up without that ******* voice in my head telling me how crap I am.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not living, I'm just existing. I want to slit my wrists but I know I'll lose the nerve to do it properly and I'll just end up in a mental health unit, medicated.
I'm so tired of my inner critic. It abuses me all day long. Tells me how ****** I am, how I've ****** things up. That I'll always be a loser. I try to fight against it but it keeps YELLING. I'm tired of fighting it. I just want peace and quiet. To wake up without that ******* voice in my head telling me how crap I am.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not living, I'm just existing. I want to slit my wrists but I know I'll lose the nerve to do it properly and I'll just end up in a mental health unit, medicated.
You sound like an intelligent person and are a good writer.
You are simply in the fog of the alcohol. Let's get you out to 90 days.
You're going to be surprised when you have "The Awakening".
It's pretty awesome.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I felt exactly like you do, noneever. I'd wake up in the morning and be disappointed to still be alive. But I knew I couldn't actually kill myself, even though there were times I wanted to be dead. So, the answer was to figure out why I felt that way, and start to fix it. I did therapy. I did anti-depressants. They both helped a little. But when I quit drinking, it was pretty clear to me that the booze was really causing a whole lot of the depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. No - I didn't feel better right away. I knew I wouldn't - I went to treatment and we talked about that very thing. It takes time. And patience. and WORK. I want to live now. I like my life. I'm starting to like myself. Is everything puppies and unicorns and rainbows? No. But it's a heck of a lot better than wishing I had died in my sleep every morning.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I was only exisiting,too, when the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. I thought I was a hopeless,helpless,useless,worthless POS.
notice I said I THOUGHT I was.
I gave myself 2 choices-AA or suicide.
that's when I walked into an AA meeting, got the big book, went to meetings, and worked the program. I was going to give it 90 days- 90 days of meetings AND working the program- and if I didn't like the results, I was going for the other option.
it took a crapton of work and T.I.M.E. before I got it from my head to my heart that what I THOUGHT I was wasn't true and wasn't WHO I was- I wasn't a bad man, just a sick one.
when 90 days came up, I didn't know what was different IN me, but something was, so I decided to keep at it. then I realized that I drank for about 23 years and was only going to give AA 90 days? I didn't think that was fair, so I kept going back and workin the program.
it took much longer than a week for me to start believing I wasn't hopeless,helpless,useless, and worthless. I was actually able to look at myself in the mirror- something I hadn't done in YEARS- and tell myself I love me AND believe it.
I used to think alcohol shut the crap goin on in my melon off. that was a lie. all them negative thoughts of myself were still there.
whats the point in stopping drinking?
welp, if I didn't do anything to change, there wouldn't have been a point. I didn't get sober to be miserable- I got sober because I was miserable and didn't want to be miserable any more.
nonever, you asked a while ago about attending a SMART and AA meeting, but didn't say if you went or not.
here is a reply of yours in another thread
"I have got a plan full of things but I DON'T DO THEM."
welp, I think youre seeing how good doing nothing is working.
if nothing changes nothing changes. maybe its time to get yer arse into ACTION.
the easier,softer way doesn't seem to work good for ya.
you do it because youre worth it.
notice I said I THOUGHT I was.
I gave myself 2 choices-AA or suicide.
that's when I walked into an AA meeting, got the big book, went to meetings, and worked the program. I was going to give it 90 days- 90 days of meetings AND working the program- and if I didn't like the results, I was going for the other option.
it took a crapton of work and T.I.M.E. before I got it from my head to my heart that what I THOUGHT I was wasn't true and wasn't WHO I was- I wasn't a bad man, just a sick one.
when 90 days came up, I didn't know what was different IN me, but something was, so I decided to keep at it. then I realized that I drank for about 23 years and was only going to give AA 90 days? I didn't think that was fair, so I kept going back and workin the program.
it took much longer than a week for me to start believing I wasn't hopeless,helpless,useless, and worthless. I was actually able to look at myself in the mirror- something I hadn't done in YEARS- and tell myself I love me AND believe it.
I used to think alcohol shut the crap goin on in my melon off. that was a lie. all them negative thoughts of myself were still there.
whats the point in stopping drinking?
welp, if I didn't do anything to change, there wouldn't have been a point. I didn't get sober to be miserable- I got sober because I was miserable and didn't want to be miserable any more.
nonever, you asked a while ago about attending a SMART and AA meeting, but didn't say if you went or not.
here is a reply of yours in another thread
"I have got a plan full of things but I DON'T DO THEM."
welp, I think youre seeing how good doing nothing is working.
if nothing changes nothing changes. maybe its time to get yer arse into ACTION.
the easier,softer way doesn't seem to work good for ya.
you do it because youre worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Non
My guess is many of us could have written your post. That's one of the things that makes alcoholics helping others alcoholics so powerful. I get it. Those voices, the critical parent, the helpless child, the victim, the rager are all voices I developed in childhood. My self esteem was garbage growing up and when I discovered alcohol? Wow. I'm beautiful, smart, interesting, at ease socially. Yah, right. I'm drunk. But I 'thought' I was those things. Flash forward to alcoholism and addiction....and all I am is a worthless drunk. Hurting myself, others and doing stupid and downright dangerous things. I'm a loser, a failure, a bad person. That is the voice of toxic shame that is caused by the very drug that 30 years ago made me invincible.
Recovery teaches me that I am not a bad person (shame) I have just done some bad things (guilt). Therapy (CBT) and the steps teach me how to change my thinking, discard behaviors and emotions that don't serve me (btw, I'm still trying to make this work....relapse is my middle name). Resentment is wicked and useless. Gratitude is power. If I do not drink no matter what, work my program and do the next right thing? I will recover. To have self esteem, I have to behave in an esteemable way.
Hang in there.
My guess is many of us could have written your post. That's one of the things that makes alcoholics helping others alcoholics so powerful. I get it. Those voices, the critical parent, the helpless child, the victim, the rager are all voices I developed in childhood. My self esteem was garbage growing up and when I discovered alcohol? Wow. I'm beautiful, smart, interesting, at ease socially. Yah, right. I'm drunk. But I 'thought' I was those things. Flash forward to alcoholism and addiction....and all I am is a worthless drunk. Hurting myself, others and doing stupid and downright dangerous things. I'm a loser, a failure, a bad person. That is the voice of toxic shame that is caused by the very drug that 30 years ago made me invincible.
Recovery teaches me that I am not a bad person (shame) I have just done some bad things (guilt). Therapy (CBT) and the steps teach me how to change my thinking, discard behaviors and emotions that don't serve me (btw, I'm still trying to make this work....relapse is my middle name). Resentment is wicked and useless. Gratitude is power. If I do not drink no matter what, work my program and do the next right thing? I will recover. To have self esteem, I have to behave in an esteemable way.
Hang in there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
