Angry tonight - need to vent
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Angry tonight - need to vent
Just got off the phone with XAH, discussing weekend visitation. He mentioned that, while he will be bringing child support check, he won't be able to cover DS's tennis lessons fee (I paid 50% earlier in the semester). I requested he try his best as it is written into divorce decree.
Then he proceed to brag about a motorcycle someone GAVE to him. How he is going to fix it up. So he has money for motorcycle repair and insurance, but not for his financial obligations to DS.
And why no one gives anything of value to me lol? I am a struggling single mother after all.... He works about 20 hours a week tops. No health insurance. No housing expenses. I am glad he is sober, but this childish stuff drives me nuts. He almost brags about his free time and how he goes to free concerts, library movie nights etc, and I am here, cannot get away for a second.
Oh well. Would not trade places with him. I wish he did not suck me into this conversation. He switches topics so masterfully....
Ughhh
Then he proceed to brag about a motorcycle someone GAVE to him. How he is going to fix it up. So he has money for motorcycle repair and insurance, but not for his financial obligations to DS.
And why no one gives anything of value to me lol? I am a struggling single mother after all.... He works about 20 hours a week tops. No health insurance. No housing expenses. I am glad he is sober, but this childish stuff drives me nuts. He almost brags about his free time and how he goes to free concerts, library movie nights etc, and I am here, cannot get away for a second.
Oh well. Would not trade places with him. I wish he did not suck me into this conversation. He switches topics so masterfully....
Ughhh
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Sorry, that must be very frustrating.
You could tell him that you're reluctant to do it, but will be forced to file a motion in court because you can't afford to pay it, yourself, and it's part of the decree. Wait till you've calmed down a bit, and maybe communicate this by email (it will help you to choose your words to get just the right tone of assertiveness without anger). If he claims he can't afford it, simply say that you can't, either--that you both have to sacrifice some things you'd like to have because your son needs things, too. And that's IT. Don't mention the motorcycle, etc.--save that for court if you need to. My bet is he'll do a lot of ranting and raving but ultimately cough it up.
You could tell him that you're reluctant to do it, but will be forced to file a motion in court because you can't afford to pay it, yourself, and it's part of the decree. Wait till you've calmed down a bit, and maybe communicate this by email (it will help you to choose your words to get just the right tone of assertiveness without anger). If he claims he can't afford it, simply say that you can't, either--that you both have to sacrifice some things you'd like to have because your son needs things, too. And that's IT. Don't mention the motorcycle, etc.--save that for court if you need to. My bet is he'll do a lot of ranting and raving but ultimately cough it up.
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I hear you. My AH has basically abdicated all responsibilities to his son too. I get nada from him, he announced today hes "taking some time off" when he hasn't worked for 3 months, and I think he just sleeps and plays video games all day and lives at his mom's house. And that's assuming he's sober. So I can totally relate to the frustration and disappointment. While you can't change your exA, your son is lucky to have one strong and sensible parent in you! Hugs - I know how it feels.
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Originally Posted by pndm07 
I hear you. My AH has basically abdicated all responsibilities to his son too. I get nada from him, he announced today hes "taking some time off" when he hasn't worked for 3 months, and I think he just sleeps and plays video games all day and lives at his mom's house. And that's assuming he's sober. So I can totally relate to the frustration and disappointment. While you can't change your exA, your son is lucky to have one strong and sensible parent in you! Hugs - I know how it feels.
I think motorcycle thing bothers me because we rode together a lot when we started dating (I rode as a passenger), and I used to love it. So now he is back to square one, and abandoned all his responsibilities in the process. Like me and DS never happened.
Yep - can't change him.
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Originally Posted by Nata1980
Jeez. Hugs to you - and your son is absolutely lucky to have you too!
I think motorcycle thing bothers me because we rode together a lot when we started dating (I rode as a passenger), and I used to love it. So now he is back to square one, and abandoned all his responsibilities in the process. Like me and DS never happened.
Yep - can't change him.
I think motorcycle thing bothers me because we rode together a lot when we started dating (I rode as a passenger), and I used to love it. So now he is back to square one, and abandoned all his responsibilities in the process. Like me and DS never happened.
Yep - can't change him.
Could you stick with just email communications? I've heard of people doing this.
Big hug to you!
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
^^^ makes sense why the motorcyle thing triggered you. Sounds super tough.
Could you stick with just email communications? I've heard of people doing this.
Big hug to you!
Could you stick with just email communications? I've heard of people doing this.
Big hug to you!
Supervised visits are likely continue for a long while. Not easy. And XAH is on a quest to trigger me seems like. He pulls every trick in his book - preparing my favorite foods when we arrive, strategically scattering our wedding and family pictures around his moms and brothers houses, calling on what would be anniversary, telling me about a wedding he went to and how sad he was. The list goes on.....I try to detach. Words don't get me anymore. He really needs to go above and beyond for DS, and so far it is all talk.
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Originally Posted by BitingTheBullet
Glad you can come here to vent. Someone is always listening and lending support. I havent left so I just have stbxah. i feel your pain on the constant triggers.
I am so glad I found SR!
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
Arghh. All about them, always. I like that you said you wouldn't trade places with him. Keep that great perspective. Good luck.
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Just to tuck away for your future self--
My XAH "doesn't want to work too much" because "that's not what life is about". (He worked a great job full time when we were married before he got fired.) It frustrates me yet I stay quiet...though I do hold him to his financial agreement, which is pathetically small...
But one of my boys mentioned the other day that dad talked about how much he works out (2-3 times a day), and that he's in better shape than he's ever been. He sounded so proud... I couldn't help but say, "it's good that he's in shape, but anything in extreme isn't good for you. You need balance."
And my son said, as if it were obvious to all-- "well mom, you know he doesn't really do anything. You have a real job, and us, and the house and everything. He just works a little bit a week." And he said it with even more pride. (Big mom smile here.)
I've never commented on XAH's job or lack of commitment to any of their extras. Never. I figured it's his burden to carry later. So...they know and they see and they will respect the parent who comes through for them.
In the first year post divorce he could flip me in circles with this stuff- then I finally acknowledged that he isn't going to put his kids first, and I needed to accept that. It made it easier to let go of the anger.
Hold him to what you can, but don't make yourself crazy and take the high road when possible. Because this is who he is. And because YOU are awesome!
My XAH "doesn't want to work too much" because "that's not what life is about". (He worked a great job full time when we were married before he got fired.) It frustrates me yet I stay quiet...though I do hold him to his financial agreement, which is pathetically small...
But one of my boys mentioned the other day that dad talked about how much he works out (2-3 times a day), and that he's in better shape than he's ever been. He sounded so proud... I couldn't help but say, "it's good that he's in shape, but anything in extreme isn't good for you. You need balance."
And my son said, as if it were obvious to all-- "well mom, you know he doesn't really do anything. You have a real job, and us, and the house and everything. He just works a little bit a week." And he said it with even more pride. (Big mom smile here.)
I've never commented on XAH's job or lack of commitment to any of their extras. Never. I figured it's his burden to carry later. So...they know and they see and they will respect the parent who comes through for them.
In the first year post divorce he could flip me in circles with this stuff- then I finally acknowledged that he isn't going to put his kids first, and I needed to accept that. It made it easier to let go of the anger.
Hold him to what you can, but don't make yourself crazy and take the high road when possible. Because this is who he is. And because YOU are awesome!
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Praying - thank you, your XAH sounds incredibly irritating, the fact that you were able to let go makes me hopeful.
I moved here from across the ocean 13 years ago and I worked so hard for everything I have....this whole entitled King baby attitude drives me crazy. Will work on letting go.
I moved here from across the ocean 13 years ago and I worked so hard for everything I have....this whole entitled King baby attitude drives me crazy. Will work on letting go.
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Nata, is there some reason you feel you can't/shouldn't pursue this payment further? From what I've seen, support orders, like any other boundary, are best enforced consistently and from the beginning. Are you sending the message that you'll just let things slide if he doesn't do what he was ordered to do?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Nata, is there some reason you feel you can't/shouldn't pursue this payment further? From what I've seen, support orders, like any other boundary, are best enforced consistently and from the beginning. Are you sending the message that you'll just let things slide if he doesn't do what he was ordered to do?
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I'd suggest keeping a running tab, letting him know each time an expense is incurred and what his share is, and each time you email him about one, giving him the outstanding balance from any previous expenses. If you do it EVERY TIME, you will make it much easier for a court to enforce, if need be, and it won't pile up to the point where he claims he can't possibly pay it.
Try to just keep it as factual and non-accusatory as possible. Like a creditor sending a past-due notice. Creditors don't scold about how irresponsible you are, or point out how, if you would just change your lifestyle, you could pay it. They just state, "Here's what you owe, here's how late you are, to avoid legal action you must pay X by Y date."
Try to just keep it as factual and non-accusatory as possible. Like a creditor sending a past-due notice. Creditors don't scold about how irresponsible you are, or point out how, if you would just change your lifestyle, you could pay it. They just state, "Here's what you owe, here's how late you are, to avoid legal action you must pay X by Y date."
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Thank you LexieCat - what a great idea!
I now have a spreadsheet going - where I show expenses since divorce was official as well as expenses since we separated. At least to give him an idea how much summer camps cost - I don't think he is aware
I am only asking him to cover expenses since official divorce - seems fair, provided we had no support from him whatsoever during 6 months of separation.
I now have a spreadsheet going - where I show expenses since divorce was official as well as expenses since we separated. At least to give him an idea how much summer camps cost - I don't think he is aware
I am only asking him to cover expenses since official divorce - seems fair, provided we had no support from him whatsoever during 6 months of separation.
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Great--I think communication about those kinds of things is critical. You don't have to tell him how to manage his budget, but it's only fair for him to see what the actual costs are--how he pays it is up to him.
Remember, too, that there may be discussions you will have to have about some of those expenditures. If your decree says he must pay for "summer camp" he might have a legitimate question about camp x versus camp y, if camp x costs twice as much. As long as it's reasonable, you should get reimbursed. OTOH, if you have an honest disagreement about the necessity of certain expenses, you will either have to work those out, decide you will bear the cost of the difference alone, or let the court decide. It all depends on how important the issue is to you. But it sounds like you are at least on reasonable speaking terms at this point, so if you can maintain that it will make life easier going forward.
Remember, too, that there may be discussions you will have to have about some of those expenditures. If your decree says he must pay for "summer camp" he might have a legitimate question about camp x versus camp y, if camp x costs twice as much. As long as it's reasonable, you should get reimbursed. OTOH, if you have an honest disagreement about the necessity of certain expenses, you will either have to work those out, decide you will bear the cost of the difference alone, or let the court decide. It all depends on how important the issue is to you. But it sounds like you are at least on reasonable speaking terms at this point, so if you can maintain that it will make life easier going forward.
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Aghh XAH is in town and visiting with DS - since he has only supervised visitation - I am stuck with him for considerable amount of time (tomorrow there will be relative coming over - thank goodness).
He was talking in length how while we were married he could never go anywhere (I arranged dates all the time, then quit after a while - a couple of times I bought ticket for concerts - he was drunk/high/and rehab)
And now he goes to plays and theater - and has all this free time to read and participate in interesting clubs.....I almost blurted out that free time tends to happen when you abandon your child, and work 20 hours per week - but did not.
Proud of myself😀
There will be lots of binge watching of Netflix with headphones on this weekend. It still bugs me that I had to give up my running and other hobbies as a single parent, and here he is - prancing around bragging about how wonderful and free his life is. But again - I would not trade places with him.
Just annoying how A's wreck everything and then it's all about them again.
He was talking in length how while we were married he could never go anywhere (I arranged dates all the time, then quit after a while - a couple of times I bought ticket for concerts - he was drunk/high/and rehab)
And now he goes to plays and theater - and has all this free time to read and participate in interesting clubs.....I almost blurted out that free time tends to happen when you abandon your child, and work 20 hours per week - but did not.
Proud of myself😀
There will be lots of binge watching of Netflix with headphones on this weekend. It still bugs me that I had to give up my running and other hobbies as a single parent, and here he is - prancing around bragging about how wonderful and free his life is. But again - I would not trade places with him.
Just annoying how A's wreck everything and then it's all about them again.
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Weeelll, I sorta get where he's coming from. IF he's really sober.
When I first got sober, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. Stuff I loved to do, but had abandoned due to my commitment to drinking, was suddenly all fresh and just THERE for the enjoyment.
I know it feels like he's rubbing your face in it (I totally get the YUCK feeling of being stuck listening to him--or being in his company at all, against your will, so to speak), but this will probably pass as the novelty wears off. Hopefully with time he will step up and be a more responsible parent, too.
Hugs, and I'm proud of you for restraining yourself.
When I first got sober, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. Stuff I loved to do, but had abandoned due to my commitment to drinking, was suddenly all fresh and just THERE for the enjoyment.
I know it feels like he's rubbing your face in it (I totally get the YUCK feeling of being stuck listening to him--or being in his company at all, against your will, so to speak), but this will probably pass as the novelty wears off. Hopefully with time he will step up and be a more responsible parent, too.
Hugs, and I'm proud of you for restraining yourself.
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True. I am glad the world is opening up to him. The way he worded it rubbed me a wrong way - it was something along the lines "while I was trapped in marriage I did not have time to do things for myself". The quacking is real. Not enjoying his company at all. I'd much rather bring DS to grandma.
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