Darwinia

I guess what drinking gave me all these years was a bit of freedom. Escapism if you like. Adult life with its responsibilities, hum-drum, routine and stress was so predictable.

I longed for the freedom and fun I took for granted as a ten year old. Somehow I refused to believe that life was not supposed to be like that always.

Having a few drinks purchased a few moments of freedom again. The few drinks needed to be more as time passed, and still more until way too many. Alcohol, instead of being the key to freedom became the jailer.

In sobriety the prison door is unlocked and I am back in the outside world. It is still the same old world. Not the happy place where a ten year old roam free. It is what it is.

I hope that when sobriety moves to recovery I will get as much freedom as this world is capable of giving.

doggonecarl

Good post. I often refer to my recovery as being "unshackled from the chains of addiction."

Now it's up to me to avail myself to the freedom that sobriety has bestowed.

saoutchik

Good analogy Darwinia, alcoholism is a jail sentence, locking us away from real life with all its ups and downs

fini

true for me: escapism feels like freedom, but isn't.

August252015

My life now is completely free. Wouldn't change it for a thing- nothing was better about my life when it was truly lived in a jail cell.

Dee74

I had to get sober to understand what real freedom was I think.

Thanks for the thought provoking post Darwinia

D

Quincy

I agree. Drinking for me was like a prison. As a binge drinker when I was sober I had all these great plans and things I wanted to do.

Even though I didn't drink much during the work week i was usually not getting any thing done outside of work because I was still hungover or withdrawing most of the week.

I would usually feel pretty good by Thursday and start making plans for the weekend. Come Friday night I would start to tie one on and that was the end of feeling good, plans went out the window and I was stuck at home (prison) unable to function as a normal person. Then repeat and repeat and repeat.

Sad thing was that I was the Warden and I could have set myself free at anytime, but didn't. Glad to be free today and hope I never lock myself up again.

Delizadee

You know what's funny? Sometimes I miss the chaos of the deep addiction. The two hour cycle of lather, rinse, repeat drinking. I don't know why. It almost makes me think of Stockholm syndrome. At a time in my life when I was in incredible pain and under immense stress, I shut it off by surrendering into oblivion. I think it's just that instinctual, life-preserving part of the brain that drives those stupid insane feelings of craving. Alcohol was our captor, we bonded with it and saw it as and escape from the scary world.

I think another facet to that is those who suffer from mental illness or trauma throughout their lives. I have very fleeting memories of freedom when I was little. And about a year's worth of true soul freedom when I was pregnant with my last child. Other than that I have never felt my mind unshackled from the chains I choose to put on it consciously or not. It's a work in progress.
I think freedom means a lot of different things to different people. And I think a lot of my own preconceived notions on that matter need to be shifted a bit so I stop seeing things so black and white.

Dee74

I think as you grow into whoever sober you is, you'll miss that chaos less Del.

I don't miss it at all now. Thinking about it turns my stomach, to be honest.

D

Delizadee

I believe you on both counts Dee.
I think for me I recognize now that it's one of the thought processes of borderline. Like suicidal ideation- it's like a switch gets flipped off under immense stress- and my mind goes right to somewhere where I know I get relief from stressful, painful feelings. Ie, ending my life, deep addiction, binging, gambling, etc.
I feel like I've got a leg up on it now, knowing what I'm dealing with; I can look at these thoughts as only thoughts and not a prison or death sentence. I can choose to accept the thought but act differently. Instead of acting in default like I did when I was drinking.
Which is incredibly taxing because I'm very lazy minded. But no, honestly I don't want the chaos of alcoholic oblivion or the chaos of being suicidal again. It's learning to undo the reflex actions and replace them with better choices. It still an uphill battle but at least now I'm not climbing all alone, in the dark.

kinzoku

I totally get it.

Freedom for me is NUMBER ONE.

Always, always, always.

Alcohol gave me freedom at first, then it took all my freedom away.

Now that I'm sober all of my decisions are my own to make. This is true freedom.

SoberCAH

This is a great thread.

Sobriety has given me freedom and, with it, a world out there that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Welcome to all who pursue it.

least

Getting sober for good gave me true freedom.